A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR, FOLKS! It's time for my first update on 2018. (BEAMS) And what better way to start than to re-activate a tale that's been waiting WAY TOO LONG? (winces apologetically)
THANK YOU, so much, for your reviews and support! It feels so good that you're out there, waiting for each chapter. (HUGS)
Awkay, then… Are you ready? Because it's gonna be a tumulus ride.
IN THIS CHAPTER we go through the time of 'Age of Ultron', with some 'deleted scenes' and mentions towards what we saw. Tony-angst ahoy! (The poor, poor dear…! Even though he DID mess up pretty royally…)
… Paved With Good Intentions
As far as everyone except for Tony, Pepper and Clint knew, Pepper was on a very long business trip. The headlines about Tony's supposed affair with another woman did cause a bit of a gossip storm, though. It bothered the billionaire, more it should've, how many people were willing to believe something like that about him. No one asked or confronted him directly but the judgmental looks and the muttering that stopped the second he entered a room spoke more than enough.
He focused on work because that was the pretty much only thing making him feel… normal. Every time he left New York he breathed a subconscious sigh of relief. Away, on a mission or at a horribly boring business meeting, he was able to forget, at least for a little while.
It was hard. And excruciatingly painful. And Tony had a feeling that he used far too much alcohol throughout the journey. But at least he was finally, eventually, getting back to his feet. Or thought he was, anyway.
Until the inevitable day dawned when he came far too close to losing someone, again.
Pepper had always loved Paris. And at school she enjoyed studying French. Which was why being asked to work in her favorite city for a few months was the best thing that happened to her since… Well.
It had been three months from one of the worst days of her entire life, now. After leaving New York she attempted to cope with her grief alone. Which, of course, turned out to be a horrible idea. She realized that she had to start seeing a therapist when the sound of a baby crying triggered a panic attack in the middle of a flight.
She still dreamt of the child she never got to hold, every single night. Of a little girl with Tony's hair and her laughter running across a beach and to water. Eventually she started avoiding sleeping to keep that painful dream at bay. She started running. Every day, no matter how long days she spent at work. She tried to tell herself that it wasn't running away.
She thought about Tony as well, every day. Of course she did. She hadn't stopped loving him just because of their loss. Nor had she stopped worrying about him. Every time she saw him on TV and pictures she saw her own agony reflected, deep in his eyes. And she ached to go to him and comfort him. But she knew that it would've done neither of them any good. That was what she reasoned, until she received a message that broke her resolve.
'Barton almost got killed today.'
Pepper tried to call Tony, but as much as he would've wanted to hear her voice he just couldn't bring himself to pick up. Instead he focused on getting them back to the Tower, anything to keep himself useful and busy. Then, far too quickly, the time of action stopped.
Clint was wheeled away. The rest of the team retreated quietly to catch their breaths and wait for whatever was to come. It was just Tony, standing in the middle of a ridiculously huge room and feeling far more than he was comfortable with. Until he was moving once more.
A little like a shark, fearing that if he'd stop he'd drown.
The mental images of Clint's actual injury mixed with the sickening hallucination he saw. Haunted him with the chilling knowledge that with enemies like Hydra and Loki's army, he might lose his whole team. And he wasn't about to let that happen, couldn't bear the thought of losing even more. He wasn't about to let that… something unknown from space, or Earth, destroy everything he held dear, or the whole world. He failed to protect his own child before the little one was even born, but he could still do this. For all the children and stupidly vulnerable friends in the world.
So he did what he always did at the face of a problem. Anything and everything he could to create a solution. And, just like was the case far too often, he ended up creating a brand-new, catastrophic problem.
There had to be some bitter irony in the fact that, at last, he technically succeeded in creating the kind of life that didn't flicker out before it was even born – and it turned out to be about as destructive as he usually was.
In the end it was Clint himself Pepper reached first. His message was short, as they usually were, but made her whole frame slump a little with relief. 'I'm fine. Tony just panicked. Again.'
Pepper found herself smiling. The normalcy of the situation soothed her. 'He does that sometimes. But I'm glad you're okay.' It occurred to her that they'd been sending back and forth far too many messages like this. In a flash she remembered Tony mentioning, several times over, that he planned on building a full-body armor for the accident-prone archer. A sudden stab of longing crossed her. 'How is he?'
'Trying to make a joke out of everything. Shaken. Avoiding me.'
Pepper understood, they both did. She sighed heavily. 'Keep an eye on him for me.'
'What else would I stick around for?'
Pepper sighed again. This time with reprieve. And shifted her attention to her laptop's screen.
Just a couple of more clicks, and she'd be able to head to New York soon. If she wanted to. Was she really ready? To face Tony? Both their grief? To move on?
Her hand moved.
Usually Tony loved parties. He was fun to be around when he wanted to be, and most days he enjoyed being around people. But not on the day of Thor's party.
He hadn't really slept since that battle with Hydra and the vision he had. He didn't do worrying, but he was… concerned, and tense. Which he treated with his usual healing-method – far too much alcohol. And it worked. He relaxed, became bubbly.
Until Maria asked about Pepper, and he felt a gaping crack forming to his mask of 'I'm alright'. Tony wanted to scream out the truth, howl out the fresh ache. Instead he joked, and made it seem like he was attempting to brush his own ego. He had a nasty feeling that his act wasn't as flawless as he wanted it to be.
He wanted Pepper in his arms. And more than that, he wanted his baby. But since he couldn't have either he drank some more. He hadn't been as drunk in a long time as he was while trying to lift Thor's hammer.
He sobered quickly when Ultron appeared, and things began to head towards hell.
It took Pepper longer than she would've liked to leave Paris behind. By the time she was in a private jet headed to New York the news of Hulk's attack began to surface. She watched, her eyes wide from sheer horror, how Tony fought the green giant that was supposed to be an ally. How buildings were damaged and came down. And realized that although the word of her and Tony had shattered, the world around them was ever the same.
There'd always be another enemy. Another battle. Another close-call. She could've lost him, too. (Yet again.) And her racing heart knew that she still might, that it wasn't over yet.
The force of that realization made her dash to the toilet and throw up what little she'd eaten before the flight.
Tony faced the justified anger and accusations of his friends. Faced the battle. Faced Hulk. It all just rolled ahead, like one long, nasty bad dream.
Then he faced their 'safehouse', and Clint's family.
He didn't quite know how he ended up to the house's porch, but that was where he'd slumped when Clint took a seat beside him. "Sorry I didn't tell you and the others about them. I just… I wanted to keep them safe. Away from our insanity."
Tony understood that. Better than well. The idea of dragging Pepper to a place like this, to a safe haven so seemingly far away from all the evils of the world… "I get it", he assured out loud, sounding more melancholic than he'd meant to. "Honestly? If I had a place like this… I wouldn't share it with the world, either." Especially with a world that was now even more unsafe, thanks to Ultron. Thanks to him.
"Tony…" Clint contemplated for a while before continuing, not looking his way. "Before Lila… Laura and I lost one, too."
It took some time before Tony understood what his friend was talking about. It made him feel very, vey cold. His friend went on before he got the chance to say anything.
"So, that pain you're going through… I get it." The look in Clint's eyes suggested that the man's mind was somewhere far away. "Honestly, I thought it'd kill me. Or Laura."
"How did you get over it?" Tony blurted out before processing the words.
Clint shook his head. "It's not something you get over, Tony." The archer shrugged. "It's like Steve always says. You walk it off. And eventually the pain lessens. Dulls. You remember how many reasons you have to keep fighting."
Tony wanted to ask how long it'd take before that happened but didn't think he wanted to hear the answers. Instead he swallowed thickly. "I would've been a lousy dad, anyway."
He created Ultron. Which turned out to be a monster. How much damage would he do to an actual child? Maybe universe was trying to tell him something.
Clint snorted. "If I manage to be any good at parenting… Trust me, you'll do a brilliant job. When the time's right." The archer wiped his eyes so swiftly that it would've been easy to miss. "I'd give you some wise and philosophical explanation, but… I have no idea why we lost them. But… I wanna imagine that now we have someone… on the other side to watch over us."
Tony contemplated, and found that he quite liked that thought.
Laura peered to the porch a little later. Just in time to witness how the two friends broke a hug, wiped their eyes and proceeded to pretend that nothing happened. She smiled.
The chaos of Sokovia happened so quickly that, for the first time in days, Tony didn't have the time to think too much. About how insane it all was, about how unlikely it was that he and his friends would make it out alive. He just reacted, fought, soldiered on.
Together they emptied and blew up a whole city. And somehow that was all really, actually happening. It wasn't just a new, crazy and horrifying hallucination.
Tony had no idea how long had passed until he stood on solid ground. It couldn't have been more than minutes, but felt like hours. He stared how the evacuated people cried and hugged each other. Men. Women. Children. And in an ice-cold moment of clarity he realized that if it wasn't for Fury's miraculous arrival, all those people would've died. Along with his friends. It was either all of them, or the whole rest of the world.
In trying to stop that nightmarish hallucination from coming true, he nearly turned it into reality.
Then he saw a little girl standing all alone, tears running down her dusty face. She cried out for her parents, over and over again. To no avail. Another lost and broken soul, a young woman, screamed for who had to be her brother. She received no answer, either. Slowly, reluctantly, Tony's gaze traveled to where Pietro's bloodied body lay.
True, they saved a lot of people. But they also lost far too many. And it was all on him. All his fault. He unleashed the wrath that caused this. With good intentions, and even dragged Bruce into it.
As though things weren't bad enough, Rhodey's breathy voice spoke to his ear. "I… I just found Thor. He fell to water when the city exploded."
Tony's chest tightened painfully. He swallowed thickly, but it did nothing to erase the lump in his throat. "Is he…?" He gritted his teeth, braced himself to face the full consequences of his actions. "Is he breathing?"
"Yeah. Just got knocked out good. I'll take him to the medics." Rhodey didn't sound so out of breath anymore. "The others?"
"Rogers and Romanoff are banged up but okay." From the corner of his eye he saw Steve helping people. "Banner's still missing. Barton…" Hang on… For the first time since reaching the horrifying scene he was able to focus properly. And realized that Clint was closer than he'd imagined. Slumped near Pietro, face turned away from him. His eyebrows furrowed while cold spread through him. "Clint, you taking a nap or something?" His friend didn't so much as twitch.
No, no, no…!
Unnaturally slowly, like there was an invisible weight crushing him down, Tony began to move forward. His throat was so choked that he wouldn't have been able to call out again even if he wanted to. The closer he got, the clearer it became that something was badly wrong.
If there was one individual moment that solidified just how badly he messed up, it was when his eyes spotted the blood staining Clint's limp hand.
When a panicking Pepper heard from Maria where she and Fury were headed she tagged along, ignoring protest and reasoning. (She used language, volume and threats that seemed to genuinely startle Fury to persuade him. It was far more satisfying than it should've been.) Because she couldn't just stand around and wait for even a moment longer. She felt like she'd stepped right into a war-movie. First the battle, the exploding city… Then the aftermath. The dirty faces, the wounds, the glazed over looks in too many eyes, the whimpering and desperate cries… So many people had their whole lives shattering that day.
Finally she found Tony, who was shouting at the medic working on Clint. Her heart jumped right into her throat. Then their eyes met, just as the archer was rushed away.
There were so many things Pepper wanted to say. But somehow all words disappeared from her mind. All she could do was make her way to him, and before she saw it happening they were hugging each other tightly. The pain and horrors of the past months flowing through them, all the emotional scar-tissues torn off to leave them raw.
They grieved, because hadn't their worlds blown apart, too?
It took long before she realized that Tony was crying. And even longer to hear his choked out words. "… did this", the billionaire managed with audible difficulty. "I caused this, Pep! How can I live with…?"
She didn't want him to finish that horrible thought. Instead she crushed her lips against his, fiercely, desperately. Because in that moment one of them had to be strong, or they would've both fallen apart in a way there was no coming back from. And Tony, who'd never relied on anyone in his entire life, kissed and held back like a drowning man hanging on to his last hope.
It took another day before she finally broke down, having woken up to find an empty bed.
Clint had no idea how long he was out. When he began to drift back towards consciousness, he heard familiar voices. "Pep…!"
Was that… a sob? It took a lot of willpower to keep pretending that he wasn't awake. Pepper's voice was barely comprehensible. "… could've lost you, too, Tony! When I woke up, and you weren't there… Don't…" There was an unidentifiable sound. "Don't you dare, ever again…!"
"Shh, shh…" Clothes rustled as two people embraced tightly, desperately. The softly murmuring voice sounded nothing like Tony's. "I'm still here. I promise."
Pepper replied nothing. But the room's silence changed, became less loaded. No one walked away.
Clint would've smiled, if it hadn't ruined his act, and decided to pretend being asleep just a little while longer.
Pepper and Tony were nowhere near being officially back together again. If they'd ever decide to rekindle their… relationship… It wouldn't be the same. Because they weren't the same, never would be again.
And now there was Ultron, and the mess of Sokovia.
Tony blamed himself, constantly. It didn't help that a lot of people, including friends, clearly blamed him as well. Seeing Wanda as a constant reminder of Pietro's fate didn't help, either. The boy died because of him, just like a nauseating number of other people. Clint and Thor could've died as well. Bruce had vanished, leaving Natasha mourning what could've been although she would've never admitted as much. How was he supposed to stop blaming himself for all that? And then there was the grief-process, with which he seemed to be stuck because he had to stay strong for Pepper. With her around he couldn't afford to fall apart.
So he drank and worked too much. Threw himself to building a new training facility. Threw money and effort to help the survived Sokovians start new lives. Until he collapsed from sheer exhaustion. A few days later Pepper gave his hand a firm, comforting squeeze before he headed to a session with psychiatrist Sarah Harris.
In the month which followed Tony's dreams changed. There were still nightmares, such that'd always be a part of his life, now. But increasingly often he also dreamt of having a secret farm of his own. Of Pepper greeting him with a kiss when he walked through the door, safe and happy, that sadness in her eyes finally gone. Of a little girl whose face he still couldn't get a glimpse of. In these new dreams instead of running away, she rushed to his arms.
Yet even as he woke up, his chest full of fool's hope and tears in his eyes, Pepper sleeping beside him… Tony knew that it was just a dream. And most likely that was all it'd ever be.
Tony also knew that as much as she would've wanted to stay and as much as he wanted to have her in his arms, Pepper wasn't ready to stay. Not yet, at least. Also, as Dr. Harris pointed out gently, he wasn't ready, either. As it was he and Pepper served as nasty reminders, rather than support, to each other. They needed time to heal on their own before trying to be there for each other. They needed a break, a breather. So Tony did one of the hardest things in his life. He saw her off to the jet that'd take her back to Paris.
On the very last moment she peered towards him over her shoulder. As reluctant to go as desperate she was to leave. "Whenever you need me…"
"I know", he interrupted her quickly but gently. For as long as they were both alive he wouldn't lose her, not really. Right now he just needed to let her go. For both their sakes. He needed her to leave quickly, before he'd run out of strength and will.
Pepper opened her mouth, then closed it. Sun and something else shimmered in her eyes as she walked on. Then disappeared.
Tony considered the pain that ravished all of him a pathetically small penance for all the damage he and Ultron caused.
Later that day Tony stood at the door of Clint's farm, shifting with uncharacteristic insecurity. "Are you… sure that it's okay if I stay here for a little while?" With the new baby and everything he felt like an intruder. Besides, he wouldn't have blamed the archer if the man wanted nothing to do with him anymore.
It was Laura who gave him a warm smile. "What kind of a question is that? You can stay as long as you like."
"I agree." Clint smirked in a manner that promised no good but also filled him with much-needed warmth. "We could use an extra pair of hands to help with diaper duty."
TBC
A/N: So this is where infamous 'break' begins. (sighs) We'll see just how much more turmoil there'll be before the eventual relief. Poor dears!
SOOOOO… Was that worth the wait, at all? PLEASE, do let me know!
IN THE NEXT CHAPTER comes what we're all been dreading. 'Civil War' crash-lands to shatter hearts. How, exactly, did Tony cope with the events? And what was Pepper doing in the meantime?
Until next time, folks! I REALLY hope that you'll all stay tuned for that one.
Take care!
