I had been starring at the spot behind my bed all night. That was where I hid it. Where I hid the blade. I tried getting it earlier, but I fell over. I wasn't going to do it. I promise. I just needed to know it was still there. I am so lucky Phil didn't see it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the reflection off my fairy lights. I wish I could tell Phil. I wish I could tell him how I felt in 2012. How I felt like killing myself. To let him continue with his life without people pushing us together. Even though I don't mind. It makes me mad that he doesn't like being shipped with me.
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? He hears me pace in my room every night. He thinks that's just me. I'm the existential crisis guy. The one that lies on the floor waiting for time to pass. Pondering the universe. I hate that its true.
I hate literally everything about myself.
I woke up.
I could feel the tears running from my face.
I never had a friend for the first 18 years of my life.
I rummaged through my covers and found my phone.
It was 6. I went to sleep an hour ago.
What am I doing awake?
My laptop's screen was still glowing. I grabbed it and went to my last video.
'Why the f do people watch this shit?'
'somebody call the faggot police'
'holy shit he isnt aren't as good as he used to be'
'who is this maggot? He disgusts me.'
'haha, all the fangirls are defending these comments'
'he's too emo to reply to these. And if he does, he's just gay.'
'you hung out with phil? Oh god, hope you didnt catch the faggot off him. its spreading like ebola'
The shit comments stand out more than the nice. I thought being transparent would be horrible. But all I wanted at that moment was to die. A notification popped up.
'danissuchafaggot tagged you in their video 'the prick strikes again'
'phanisgobyebye tagged you in their video 'AmazingPhil using danisnotonfire for money?'
I was hesitant. Should I watch them? Surely if I can watch the Phan videos supporting us, I can stand the ones that kill me on the inside?
No.
I won't.
Instead, I go to Twitter and quickly type up
'YouNow at 9:00pm, BE THERE OR BE A CARROT... I was bored. Leave me alone.'
Can people see through my happy words? I try hard to keep them from seeing how much I have been crying in the YouNows. There are always a few smart Danosaurs that see the red under my eyes and the glint that I can't change. I try to smile. I really try. Phil has always said that he thought I should smile more often. Like, REALLY smile.
Its been so long.
I climb out of bed and cringe at my curly hair. The hallway was dark. I walked to the kitchen and reached up to the top of the cupboard where the maltesers where. I always hid them up there in case Phil got tired of my cereal and went to eat my bae.
I'm talking about the maltesers, not Phil.
You twat.
I felt around, but I couldn't find the bag.
Where are my maltesers?
There's only one place they could be.
I walk down the hall and past my room. I open Phil's door a little and spot my maltesers next to his bed. It looks like he fell asleep reading, since his lamp is still on and a book is laying next to him.
Was he eating my maltesers?
He was eating my maltesers!
Not wanting to miss this opportunity, I take a photo with my phone and post it on all the social media websites I have.
And I started a video.
"Hello Internet, I have to be quiet because I'm in Phil's room while he's asleep. I promise its for a good cause! I'm totally not some pedo or anything-" I whisper. "But look what I found!"
I directed my phone to the maltesers which I would zoom in on and add dramatic sound to in editing.
"He was eating my soul mate!"
I snatch the chocolate and turn off the light. I don't want to have his hair light on fire or anything. Not like that dude from 5 Seconds of Summer.
And then I realised how much happier I was.
5 minutes ago, I was considering...
It was the maltesers for sure.
I uploaded the video after closing Phil's door and going back to my room.
dfghjkldfghjkldfghjk; watch?v=56vTRBKK9PU\
Just watch it. Now. Or I will never progress the story.
Ever.
