Warning: Just a reminder; this is all purely for satirical purposes. Tim Burton is awesome, and so is this movie...
But that's what I think, not what Jervis thinks; on that note, whenever he starts quoting the books, it means he likes what he's seeing. Just wanted to clear that up...
Anything in italics comes from the film; everything else is Jervis and Jonathan talking.
Chapter III: Moving Along...
Alice looked in wonder at all around her: strange sights and smells and sounds greeted her. In the distance, hedge carvings of flamingoes and other animals towered high in the air...
"Huh. Wonder who made those..." murmered Jonathan Crane, taking a drink from his cup.
"Since this is both a Tim Burton and a Disney film, I'd guess the blade-fingered son of Professor Ratigan," snorted Jervis Tetch, eyes shadowed slightly by the brim of his hat as he took a sip of his own tea.
Alice jumped back slightly as a large, green, pig-like creature ran past her...
"Come back, Wilbur! Charlotte's made a new web for you!"
The Mad Hatter scowled.
"That was a Mome Rath, Jonathan."
"Looked like a pig to me..."
Jervis scoffed.
"Clearly you haven't read Through the Looking-Glass..."
Scarecrow said nothing, but just took another sip.
"Curiouser and curiouser..."
"I told you she's the Right Alice!" said a voice.
Alice turned fast. The White Rabbit stood there, smiling proudly, joined by a blue Dodo bird, a small white mouse in a pink dress, and a bald, fat pair of twin boys in matching black-and-white striped shirts.
"I am not convinced," huffed the mouse, arms crossed.
"Why is the Mouse with the Long, Sad Tail a girl?"
"Creative license, Tetch."
"She doesn't look anything like herself!" a pink rose cried out.
"That's because she's the Wrong Alice!" snapped the Mouse.
"Hmm...if she was she might be," murmered one of the twins.
"And if she isn't, she ain't," said the other.
"If she was so, she would be..."
"But she isn't so, nohow!"
"Well...that was confusing..."
"Their Tweedles, Jonathan. What can I say?"
"We should consult Absolem," suggested the Dodo.
"Exactly!" agreed the Pink Rose. "Absolem will know who she is!"
"Absolem?" asked Crane, turning to the Hatter for clarification.
"I have no idea," said his friend with a shrug.
"Who is this Absolem?"
"He's wise," said the Rabbit. "He's absolute."
"He's Absolem!" chorused the twins.
"Does that REALLY explain anything?"
The Rabbit and his party led Alice down a misty path...
No...not mist, but smoke!
"Who...are...you?"
Alice looked up in surprise.
Seated upon a red mushroom was a large, blue caterpillar, wearing a monocle and smoking a Turkish hookah.
"Wait...so Absolem is the Caterpillar?"
"Absolem?"
"You're not Absolem. I'M Absolem. The question is, who are YOU?"
"And he's voiced by Severus Snape?"
"Alice."
"We shall see."
"What do you mean by that? I ought to know who I am!"
"Yes, you ought...stupid girl..."
"'People might think you are...up to something,'" said Crane in a deep voice.
His smirk fell when he noticed the dull look the Hatter gave him.
"What?"
"Not. Funny."
"Unroll the Oraculum."
Alice watched as the Mouse and White Rabbit unrolled a large scroll nearby.
"The Oraculum," said the Rabbit. "Being a Calendrical Compendium of Underland."
Alice looked at the scroll. A series of images, each enscribed with the name of a different day, were printed upon the scroll...
And, much to her surprise, every image moved.
"It's a calendar..."
"Compendium," corrected the Caterpillar. "It tells of each and every day since the beginning."
"How convenient," remarked the Hatter, and took a drink.
"Show her the Frabjous Day," ordered Absolem.
"Yeah! 'Frabjous' being the day you slay the Jabberwocky!" smiled Tweedledee.
Alice turned fast.
"Sorry? Slay a what?"
"Oh, yeah!" smiled Tweedledum, pointing toward one particular image. "That being you there with the Vorpal Sword!
"No other swords can kill the Jabberwocky, nohow!"
"If it ain't Vorpal, it ain't dead!"
Alice looked at the image the Tweedles pointed to.
She gasped, taking a step back, as a figure in armor swung its sword at a hideous, black, bat-winged beast...
Jonathan jumped slightly in surprise as a short scream came from beside him.
He couldn't help the cruel smile that came over him when he noticed the Hatter hiding his eyes behind his hat and shaking with fear.
"Have you forgotten who I am, Hatter?" he practically purred.
Tetch peeped out.
"No, but I don't really care right now. Is it gone?"
Scarecrow said nothing.
"Resolve this for us, Absolem: is she the Right Alice?"
"Not Hardly..."
"Oh...so, what, that's the end?"
"I said so!" said Tweedledee.
"No, I said so!" snapped Tweedledum.
"Contrariwise, you said she might be!"
"No, you said she would be if she was!"
"Hmph! Little imposter! Pretending to be Alice! She should be ashamed!" huffed the Pink Rose.
"Oh, Madness, SHUT UP!" roared Crane.
"How did the Flowers get there anyway?" was all Tetch said, ignoring his friends outburst.
"I was so certain of you," sighed the White Rabbit.
"I'm sorry! I don't mean to be the Wrong Alice!"
"Well, Michael Gough's Dodo certainly has a lot to say for himself, doesn't he?"
Just then, an earth shattering roar echoed through the forest.
Alice and the party turned to the sound.
A huge, muscular beast, with teeth like a shark, the body of a bulldog, spots like a leopard, and the tail of a kangaroo, came shrieking into view, crashing and smashing through everything in its way.
"BANDERSNATCH!" screamed Tweedles, and ran away as fast as they could.
Alice and the others quickly followed.
"'LoOk OuT fOr ThE jUb-JuB bIrD, aNd ShUn ThE fRuMnIoUs BaNdErSnAtCh...'"
Crane quirked an eyebrow.
"Jervis? You all right?"
The Hatter shook his head rapidly.
"Yes...I'm fine," he said simply, and took another drink of his tea.
As the Bandersnatch tore through the forest, the animals all split up in fear. The Dodo squawked in terror as a group of Red Knights – living Playing Cards clad in flaming red armor – chased after him. He was so busy keeping his eyes out behind him, he banged into a tree. The Knights quickly caught up with him, and tied him down before he could get away...
"Ha! Stupid Dodo bird! That'll teach him to try and have a part in this film!"
"Wait," said Alice to herself. "It's only a dream...nothing can hurt me..."
She turned defiantly towards the Bandersnatch. The hideous beast growled hungrily...
"What's she doing?" muttered the Mouse, and ran over towards them.
"Can't hurt me...can't hurt me..."
The Bandersnatch roared...! But, still, Alice held her ground.
"RUN, YOU GREAT LUG!" squeaked the Mouse, and skittered up on top of the Bandersnatch. Before the monster could react, the tiny creature whipped out her pin-sword and stabbed it into the Bandersnatch's eye...
And pulled it right out of its socket.
"WHAT IN...?"
"My Lord, Disney IS sick!"
"When did the Mouse turn into Reepicheep's sister?"
The Bandersnatch roared in pain, its claws flying out blindly. Alice screamed as they raked across her arm, and ran off in fear.
"Yeah, so much for 'it can't hurt me,' hm?"
Meanwhile, a tall, gangly man reached down and picked up an aged scroll lying on the ground. His face was horribly scarred, and he wore a heart-shaped eyepatch on the right side...
"So...pirates are in this movie?
"Hey, it's already lost all semblance of the little sense my world has. Why not?"
Elsewhere, the doors of a throne room swung open...
"SOMEONE HAS STOLEN THREE OF MY TARTS!"
Jervis giggled.
"Er...Your Majesty, you seem to have...something on your face..."
The Red Queen stalked down the hall, her triple-sized head turned down so she could inspect the Frog Footman.
"Did you steal them?" rapped the Queen.
"No, Your Majesty," said the first Frog, monotonously.
"Did you?"
"No, Your Majesty."
"Did you steal them?"
"No, Your Majesty."
The Queen marched down to the end of the line of frogs.
The last Footman glanced inconspicuously back down the line toward a Footman the Queen had passed...
He seemed to be chewing something.
"Snitch," grumbled Jervis.
The Queen nodded to the Footman, and, pretending nothing had happened, walked back down the line slowly until she stopped in front of the Frog he had indicated...
GULP.
The Queen smiled coldly, and slowly turned back toward the Footman. She bent down until their eyes were level.
The frog was shaking like a lily pad.
"Did YOU steal my tarts?" she asked, oh-so-sweetly.
"No, Your Majesty."
The Queen cocked her head to one side and stretched out one finger...
And wiped it across a small, purple stain on the Frog's lips...
She licked her finger...
And growled.
"Squimberry juice."
"I WAS SO HUNGRY!" sobbed the Footman. "I DIDN'T MEAN TO-!"
"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" bellowed the Queen, and, turning on her heel, dismissed the matter.
"I HAVE A FAMILY! NO, PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T! I HAVE LITTLE ONES TO LOOK AFTER!" wailed the unfortunate amphibian, as a pair of Cards dragged him, screaming, out of the throne room.
"Go to his house, and collect the little ones," said the Queen to another footman – this one a fish. "I love tadpoles on toast almost as much as I love caviar."
"Y-yes, Your Majesty," shivered the Fish Footman.
Jonathan grinned down at Jervis.
The Hatter was staring blankly at the screen.
"Jervis...?"
"YOU SCUM OF A WOMAN!" roared the Hatter, standing up and sending his teacup flying as he glared at the Queen.
After shaking and seething for a moment, he took a deep breath, sat down, and poured himself a new cup of tea.
"Feel better?" teased the Scarecrow.
"No," mumbled Jervis bitterly, and took a drink. "That frog had two weeks till retirement..."
"Majesty...?"
The Queen looked up, and smiled like a schoolgirl, extending one hand.
The man in the eyepatch kissed it gently.
"Illosovic Stayne, you Knave..."
"The Knave of Hearts is a pirate?"
"Well, just because he has an eyepatch..."
"Majesty, I have found the Oraculum!"declared the Knave of Hearts, and unrolled the scroll, presenting it to the Queen.
"That?" said the Queen, arching an eyebrow. "It looks so ordinary..."
"Yes, because there is absolutely nothing abnormal about a scroll that stretches to infinity and has pictures that move, is there?"
"Please, Jonathan, don't be to critical; this is MY world you're talking about."
"Look here," whispered the Knave. "On the Frabjous Day..."
The Queen sneered.
"I'd know that tangled mess of hair anywhere...is it Alice?"
"I believe it is," said the Knave of Hearts.
"What's she doing with my darling Jabberwocky?" asked the Queen, squinting.
"She appears to be slaying it."
The Queen stared up, her enlarged face a mixture of both fury and horror.
"SHE KILLED MY JABBER-BABY-WOCKY?"
"Her Whatty-Whoey-Howy?"
"I don't know."
Stayne watched, smirking, as a troupe of Red Knights dragged the Bloodhound out of the prison. The dog snarled and snapped, only for a sharp tug of the chain on his neck to meet this.
"Find the scent of the human girl," the Knave oozed, "And you earn your freedom."
"For my wife and pups as well?"
"Everyone will go home."
The Bloodhound hesitated, then nodded in agreement. A Knight undid the chain, and the blood hound raced off, the cards following closely.
The Knave's horse snorted.
"Dogs will believe anything," it said...
"Great heavenly borogoves, even the horses are evil!"
"Are you really that surprised?"
"...I shouldn't be, but I am!"
Back in the darkness of Tulgey Woods, Alice was walking around, trying to find her way out of the forest. The dying tree branches were like wooden claws, and she couldn't shake the feeling something was watching her...
SWOOMPH.
"It looks like you ran afoul of something with wicked claws..." purred a voice.
Alice turned fast.
Sitting in the bough of a tree was a huge, smiling cat, with turquoise eyes and gray fur striped in blue and black.
"'We'Re AlL mAd HeRe...'"
"Hatter?"
"Mm?"
"You are doing it again."
"Sorry."
"What did that to you?"
"The Banner-who...the Bander...?"
"The Bandersnatch!"
The cat leapt from the tree...and disappeared in mid-air.
Alice jumped slightly as its head – and nothing else – reappeared near her.
"Well, I'd better have a look," it growled, and leaned toward her scratch marks intently.
"What are you doing?" asked Alice, backing away slightly.
The cat chuckled and twirled in mid-air, body swirling back into view as it did.
"It needs to be purified by someone with evaporating skills, or it will fester and putrefy," he purred, and smiled into her face innocently.
"I'd rather you didn't," said Alice uncertainly. "I'll be fine as soon as I wake up."
"At least let me bind it for you," the Cheshire Cat smirked, and moved behind her. He flicked his wrist, and a blue handkerchief appeared in his hand. Alice held out her arm and allowed him to bind it.
"What do you call yourself?"
"Alice..."
"THE Alice?" he meowed, backing away slightly and flashing what looked like a hopeful smile.
"There's been some debate about that..."
"I never get involved in politics," smirked the cat, and vanished.
But he wasn't gone for long.
"You'd best be on your way," he purred, and began to float away.
"What way? All I want to do is wake up from this dream!"
The Cat sighed and flipped upside down.
"Fine," he grumbled. "I'll take you to the Hare and the Hatter...but that's the end of it!"
He vanished very slowly this time, beginning with the tail and ending with his grin...which eventually vanished as well.
For a moment, nothing happened. Alice looked around in confusion.
"Coming?" called the Cat. Alice finally spotted him waiting for her at the end of a path in the trees.
Gathering up her courage she followed...
The moon flipped upside down, and turned into a cat's grin...
"Well...that was pointless..."
The Cheshire Cat led Alice to a hill, and vanished.
At the bottom of the hill, Alice spotted an old windmill. Outside it was a long table, set with all kinds of tea things...
"Oh, frabjous!" grinned Jervis. "Time for me to see myself!"
Scarecrow took a drink of his own tea, but said nothing.
Alice approached the tea table. The March Hare was snoring, but, upon hearing someone approach, he woke with a start.
A familiar white rodent yawned as she popped out of her teapot...
"Hold it! The pink-wearing Despereaux was the DORMOUSE? One of the laziest characters in all of Wonderland?"
"Well, this film's ridiculous enough, why not?"
Jervis sighed.
"Oh, well. As long as I look all right," he muttered, bringing his teacup up to his lips...
At the head of the table, slumped over, was a figure in a dark coat and top hat. Its lips twitched, and it looked up. The man's bright green eyes lit up even brighter as he leaned forward, smiling giddily at the sight of a blonde-haired girl approaching the tea table...
Jervis coughed and sputtered, sending tea flying everywhere.
"WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHARLES DODGSON IS THAT?!"
"It's you!" grinned Jonathan, now quite pleased.
"No, it's not!" screamed the Hatter. "It looks like that Bandersnatch of a clown...in a wig made of carrot strings!"
"It's you...you're back!"
"No, it's not!" squeaked the Dormouse. "McTwisp brought us the Wrong Alice?"
"It's th' Wrung Alice?!" shrieked the March Hare, tugging his ears fretfully.
The Hatter shook his head slowly.
"It's Absolutely Alice," he said determinedly, then whispered to her, "You're Absolutely Alice! I'd know you anywhere!"
He turned back to his fellow partygoers.
"I'd know him anywhere!" he called.
The Hare and the Dormouse just laughed.
"Well," said the Hatter, dragging Alice to a seat of her own by climbing across the table, "As you can see, we're still having tea, and it's all because I was obliged to kill Time while waiting for your return; you're terribly late you know! Naughty..."
The Hare stood up and poured tea into a bottomless cup...but jumped back into his seat in fear when the Cheshire Cat appeared in the seat next to him, flashing a predatory grin as he poured himself a cup.
"Well, anyway," the Hatter went on, "Time became quite offended, and stopped altogether. Not a tick ever since!"
The Hare laughed madly, then stared at the broken teacup in his hand.
"Cup," he mumbled.
Jervis giggled, causing Jonathan to look at him.
Jervis just smiled and pointed at the screen.
"The Hare's funny," he said simply.
"...Right..."
"Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid!" sang the Mad Tea Partygoers.
"What?" Alice asked.
"Down with Bloody Big Head," the Cheshire Cat clarified, blowing away some steam from his cup. "Bloody Big Head being the Red Queen."
"It's the QUEEN OF HEARTS," snarled Jervis. "Why can't they ever get it right?!"
The Cheshire Cat sighed and put down his cup, pushing it away and looking at the Hatter with what looked like a pout.
"All this talk of blood and slaying has...put me off my tea..."
"Well!"gasped the Hatter in mock horror, staring at the cat with thinly-veiled hostility. "The entire world is falling to ruin, and poor Chessur's off his...tea..."
The cat sighed, and idly checked his claws for dirt.
"What happened that day," he said flatly, "Was not. My. Fault."
The Hatter inhaled sharply, fists clenched. His eyes turned orange...
"Oh, dear..." whimpered the March Hare, trying to hide behind his teacup.
Jervis and Jonathan stared in confusion.
"What...?"
"Ye ran oot on 'em te sa'e yer own skin, ye guddler's-scuttish, pilgar lickering, shukm juggling, slurking ur-pals! BARLOM MUCK-EGG BRIMNI...!"
"Hatter!" squeaked the Dormouse, slapping a teaspoon in her paws for effect.
The Hatter jerked, and turned to the Dormouse with a very false smile.
"Thank you," he wheezed.
"...What was that?"
"If I had the answer, I'd give it, Scarecrow."
"Huh. And I thought your mood swings were bad..."
"What mood swings?" asked the Hatter, taking a sip from a fresh cup, then coughing and snarling at the cup.
"Not enough cream," he growled.
Crane just rolled his eyes.
"What's wrong with you, Tarrant?" sighed the cat, stirring some cream into his cup. "You used to be the life of the party...you used to do the best Futterwacken in all of Witzend!"
"Futter-what?"
"Futter-what?"
"That's what I just said!"
"Futterwacken," cried the Hare, slamming his fist on the table.
"It's a dance," the Dormouse explained, irritably, while the Hare danced a jig in his chair.
"Oh. Thank you."
"That wasn't in the books, was it?"
"My dear Professor Crane, I stopped comparing this film to the books long ago. It's useless."
"Uh-oh..."meowed the Cheshire Cat, as the sound of marching feet and a horse's whinny echoed from the forest, getting closer...closer...
"The Knave," gasped the Dormouse.
"Goodbye!" purred the cat, and vanished. The Hare – who had been trying to hide behind him – screamed and leapt back into his chair, trying to sort out the table with the help of the Dormouse.
"Hide her!" he cried. "Quick! Hide her!"
"Drink this, quickly!" whispered the Mad Hatter, and force fed Alice a bit of potion.
"Oh, dear..." whispered the Dormouse, and poured herself a cup of tea quickly, settling into her seat and acting "normally." The Hare did the same thing.
The Hatter, meanwhile, grabbed the now even tinier Alice, and hurriedly stuffed her, and her oversized garments, into an empty teapot.
"Let me out!" Alice screamed.
"Please!" Crane said, mockingly. "I want to die painfully in the hands of Jack Sparrow's ugly cousin!"
"We're looking for the girl called Alice..." the Knave began.
"Oh! Speaking of the Queen!" interrupted the Hatter. "Here's a little song we used to sing in her honor: Twinkle, twinkle, little bat..."
"How I wonder what you're at!" joined the Hare and the Dormouse. "Up above-"
The song was cut short by the Knave's arm curling around the Hatter's neck.
"If you're hiding her," he hissed, "you'll lose your heads!"
"Already lost them!" said the Hatter cheerfully.
Jervis snorted with laughter.
"All right...I'll give them a point for a funny line."
"All together now!" said the Hatter as the Knave, disgusted, walked back down the length of the table, picking up the Cat's untouched tea as he did.
"Up above the world you fly," sang the Mad Tea Partygoers, "Like a tea tray in the sky! Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle..."
As they sang their distracting tune, the Bloodhound crawled under the tea table...
"Oop!" the Hatter yelped, as a wet nose connected with the teapot in his lap...
"Um...that looked...perverse..." mumbled Jervis.
"Downal wyth Bluddy Behg Hid," growled the Hatter. He and the Bloodhound's eyes met for a moment...
Then the dog ran off in the opposite direction of the windmill.
"Follow the Bloodhound!" called the Knave to the Red Knights.
And they did.
"Sugar?" the Dormouse asked the March Hare.
"Yes, please!"
The Dormouse reeled back, and flung two cubes into the Hare's cup.
"Ooh, that's lovely!" smiled the Hare.
"You're all mad," sneered the Knave.
"Thanks very much!" smirked the March Hare, and blew a raspberry at him.
Outraged, the Knave smashed the teacup into pieces, got back on his horse, and galloped away to join his soldiers...
"Another point."
"You're carriage, my lady," smiled the Hatter, holding out his top hat towards Alice.
Alice looked at him, then the hat, then him again.
"The Hat?"
"Of course! Anyone can go by horse or rail, but the absolute best way to travel is by hat!" he smiled, then paused for a moment and turned to his friends.
"Have I made a rhyme?"
"Um...I don't think so..."
The Hatter brought Alice – who sat on the brim of his top hat – out into another area of the Tulgey Woods. The trees were black and twisted, as if they had been burned.
"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe," she heard the Hatter mutter softly. "All mimzy were the borogoves, and the mome raths outgrabe..."
"Sorry?" said Alice, dropping down onto his shoulder. "What was that?"
"What was what?" asked the Hatter, and then went on: "The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jabberwock, my son, and the frumnious Bandersnatch! He took his Vorpal Sword in hand, the Vorpal Blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"
He turned towards Alice.
"It's all about you, you know."
"Oh, very well," the Hatter muttered to himself, and took another drink. "That paraphrasing wasn't TOO terrible..."
"Says you," smirked Jonathan.
"Oh, he still loses points," Jervis said, waving a hand dismissively. "If he can't even understand a girl from a boy, I refuse to believe we are related."
"Tell me what the Red Queen has done," Alice said.
The Hatter squirmed.
"It's...not a pretty story..."
"Neither is this movie."
"It was here," the Hatter said, gesturing at the area around them; burned buildings lay shrouded by the mist, the trees were mostly destroyed, felled to the ground as well as burnt. "I was Hatter to the White Queen at the time; the Hightopp clan have always been employed at court..."
The Hatter could remember the day well as he told Alice the story: he could see himself, in a shinier top hat, clapping in beat to the music as his family, the White Queen, and many of his friends – including the Hare, the Cat, the Dormouse, and the White Rabbit – danced and sang and celebrated the triumphant return of the White Knight, who had slain the mysterious creature known as the snark.
Then, just as the festivities were at their peak...a hideous roar shook the forest. A dark shadow fell over Tarrant Hightopp...
Jervis yelped as the Jabberwock BREATHED lightning bolts into the crowd.
"How does something breathe electricity?" Jonathan asked.
"Who cares?" said the Hatter, still shaking as he watched the beast of his nightmares wreak havoc upon the town. "My Hat...was Disney being run by Jack the Ripper when they gave Burton the okay for this project? I mean, look! That thing just blew up the White Knight! And...now it's killing children? By the spawn of Phantasmagoria, even I wouldn't do that!"
"I'm not complaining," shrugged the Scarecrow, nonchalantly.
Jervis harrumphed in response, and crossed his arms angrily..
"Of course YOU aren't..."
Crane smirked, and poured himself a new cup.
The Hatter returned after the carnage. Bodies and burned rubble lay all around. He moved robotically through the smoldering ruins of his home.
Slowly, without once looking down, he reached to the ground, picking up a charred, black top hat...his hat, which he had dropped.
He placed on his head...
Jervis cocked an eyebrow, sipping his tea as the film's Hatter stared hauntingly at him from the screen.
"What do you want, imposter?" he asked. "A crumpet?"
"Hatter?" Alice whispered, cautiously. When she got no response, she called out, louder, "Hatter!"
The Mad Hatter jerked and cleared his throat.
"I'm fine," he said, softly.
"Are you?"
The Hatter didn't respond.
He tilted his head slightly, and looked around.
"Did you hear that?" he asked. "I was certain I heard something..."
"Those are the Box Offices; they're sad because they have to give their customers' money back."
"What?" asked Alice.
Then she heard it: the familiar, braying bark of a bloodhound...
"Oh!" gasped the Hatter. "Red Knights!"
