Author's Note: I had an idea the other day; I could put Cloud and Tifa's dreams and diary entries as chapters! Pretty smart, huh? Rin thought so.
Anyway, here's Tifa's first diary entry. I don't think Cloud'll have one for a while, not until Christmas anyway. Heh heh... you'll just have to wait and see what happens at Christmas.
And yes, this chappie seems a little sad, a little angsty. But things get happier, trust me!
P.S. Diary entries are in italics, in case you haven't figured that out, smart cookies that you are! :)
P.P.S. PLEASE REVIEW!!
Tifa's Diary - Unrequited
I found this blank book the today while I was cleaning out my bedside table. It looked so lonely, just sitting in the bottom of my drawer... I think it might be good to use it as a diary. I mean, why not?
So I suppose I should start by telling what's been going on in my life.
Well, Cloud's home. Just those three words, said so casually, make my heart flutter. I don't know if he knows it, but sometimes I just can't stop looking at him. I don't know if it's because he's still such a mystery to me, or because... well, you know.
He's been acting so strange lately... sometimes he's warm and sociable, and sometimes lonely and secluded. Sometimes I wonder, Why can't he give a straight answer, dammit? Make up his mind? Yuffie's right; he is a pain in the ass. But I can live with that.
I feel so relieved; Cloud's back, and things have been fairly normal. Well, I'm not quite over the chills, but Cloud's had a few deliveries to keep his mind off sulking, and business in Seventh Heaven and Strife Delivery Service is the same as it's ever been. He's out on a delivery at the moment, actually.
But... he's been having nightmares. Sometimes he screams in his sleep, tosses and turns horribly.
Two nights ago, I came into his room and he was thrashing and yelling names. Aeris' name, mostly.
I think he loved her. I know that he cared for her incredibly. When she died, it was like something in him was missing, gone with her to the bottom of the waters where she fell... sometimes I wonder whether a part of himself died that day. I know he misses her all the time. I wonder if I'm enough to fill that part of him. I hope so...
Anyway, I came in, and tried to wake him. But even when he was awake, he was still screaming. It was like he wasn't there; his eyes were glassy and scared. The Cloud that I know was gone.
I sat there, with his head cradled on my arm, and I stoked his hair and mopped his sweaty forehead with a cold cloth. I whispered to him, and I sang to him, until he calmed down and finally went back to sleep, his eyes still glassy. It was strange, really... it was like he didn't know I was there.
I want to talk to him about his dreams, because I know his nightmares frighten the children. I know that his screaming woke Marlene up once. After I quieted Cloud down, she came into my room and said that she'd had a bad dream herself. But her eyes were fully awake, and she was looking at the ground instead of at me, like she normally does. I could tell she was lying. But I let her sleep in my bed that night, and I slept on the floor. I didn't mind. Marlene's the sweetest girl in the world, and probably the smartest. She's like my own daughter, my little girl. I would do anything for her and Denzel.
Later, I was wandering around upstairs, and I heard Marlene telling Denzel what had happened the night before. She sounded... strange, frightened, and Denzel sounded concerned as he comforted her. Sometimes I think that they both worry too much about things that should be taken care of by grown-ups like Cloud and me.
I just don't feel very grown-up, sometimes. I mean, a grown-up should be able to cope with this, right? But I think that Cloud and I both grew up a little too fast... The kids shouldn't have to be concerned for their own guardian's mental state. That's not right for children their age.
Anyway, that morning, Cloud came downstairs. He had a guilty look on his face, like he knew what had happened and he was ashamed of it. Or maybe he's ashamed that I know that his dreams are about her. Maybe he thinks that I'm jealous. Doesn't he realize that I could never be jealous of one of my dearest friends? Who could be jealous of an angel?
But at night, when nobody can hear or see, my heart hurts so much because I can't be what he needs... or who he wants. I sometimes wish that it had been me who had been laid to rest in those god-forsaken waters, because maybe he'd realize how much he missed me... or not miss me, and not be so sad.
I could never be jealous of someone that made Cloud smile. I love him deeply. Whether it's motherly love or romantic love, I care for him so much. I find myself wishing sometimes that things had been different between us, that maybe fate hadn't been so cruel.
I don't know if he knows... but sometimes I get the feeling that he can tell. For now, I'll just be happy to be with him, Marlene and Denzel, whether it's being just the friend, not the girl. I can live with that; I can settle for friend, just so long as I get to be here with him.
I wonder what's more than love. If I knew, maybe I could give it to him.
