Jake never really did mind people that were crazy. No, it wasn't their fault their brains got totally FUCKED! But on some rare occasions he was impartial on giving therapy to people who had put themselves through things that caused them to go insane. These people are, for the lack of better terms and because he was feeling rebellious and not wanting to be politically correct because politics sucked, politicians sucked, and the people who helped the politicians probably sucked one thing or another of said corrupted politicians, so back to the point...that those people are goddamn retards.
Jake believes that if he was somehow an evil dictatorial world ruler-wishful thinking right there- that he would…probably ship them to an island out in the Pacific and blow all their cracked out ass back to fucking hell. But no, instead Jake took up this horrendous job, after five years of schooling, horrible relationships in said schools, all the while he was dealing with his own family matters of having a stupid shit for brains mooching brother. AND HIS MOTHER! Oh how he despised that woman…but for the sake of this chapter and getting it started we won't go into Jake's personal life any longer.
The brown haired psychiatrist blinked and cleared his throat as the door slammed open, and in stepped a rather lanky man. Scratch that…lanky wasn't the term…EMACIATED was better terminology for this freak. Seriously if Jake were to shoot this bastard in the head right now and drag him into the Sahara Desert the goddamn vultures wouldn't even bother wasting their time with him! He let out a sorrowful sigh; wasting time…he thought about his current predicament and thought that the glass cup on the table looked like it'd be a good bludgeoning tool, for him not the freaky pirate elf. HEY! A new species of fucked up individuals! He scribbled that down furiously on his pad, and then drew a screwed up little stick figure of Nnoitra. The lanky, emaciated, pirate, elf man sat down on the all too familiar couch positioned across from Jake's own upholstered leather chair.
Day One: The Third Victim
Nnoitra sneered his lone eye dragging its way across the room and the contents within it.
"Soo I'm sure you know why you are here, Mr. Uhm?"
"No fucking kidding I know why I'm here! You retarded or something?!" Jake blinked and cleared his throat, pushing his glasses up a little. I see…so this is a category five FUCKING ASSHOLE! Where the hell was his taser when he needed it?
"Ahem. Yes…of course you do. Your name if you would?"
"Eh. Nnoitra. This place is pretty crappy for a doctor…that pink haired fruit cake outside has his own office…it kicks the shit out of this one." Jake took deep breaths and tried to remain calm. He turned to this Nnoitra person, eye twitching ever so slightly.
"Is…that so. Well I've already diagnosed Szayel so why not start with you now, hm? Tell me a little about yourself, Nnoitra." Jake said plastering an all too fake smile on his face. Besides the fact that you're a typical grade-A ASS! The fifth espada sighed and leaned back into the comfy couch.
"Eh. Well. I'm the best at fucking everything, basically." Nnoitora said rather blandly eyeing Jake with his lone eye. He really didn't know what to make of that statement so he would just have to prod the bas-patient more.
"Everything, you say? Tell me how well do you get along with the others in your uhhh house?" Jake really didn't know if they lived in a house per say, but my god was that a horror show to imagine. So many fuck ups in one building?! He was beginning to think Aizen either got really shit-faced every night to get over all the bullshit that went down, or that this Aizen SAMA was a seriously into some freaky S&M shit. It was probably the latter.
All the while Jake was mulling this over Nnoitra had taken it upon himself to babble on about killing things, smashing people's faces in, and then it came to a man named Tesla. Jake immediately perked up at this.
"Tesla? You mean like…David Bowie Tesla in-in THE PRESTIGE?!" Nnoitra gave him this complete "what the HELL are you talking about?!" look and Jake all but cleared his throat and waved for the long black haired man-thing-espada to continue.
"I dunno what the hell the prestige is but Tesla is one of my NUMEROS!" Jake snorted.
"Is that what they're calling it nowadays?" He seriously had no idea what the hell all this lingo shit was that these freaks used, he seriously thought they were all illegal immigrants, the names, the clothes, the HAIR, they were probably trippy hippie circus freaks. A small bang came from the table and Jake yet again snapped back to reality, unfortunately for him. Nnoitra's long hand was on the table and Jake saw the espada's eye linger of the tea, and he noted that the man grimaced.
"WHAT YOU THINK I'M GAY OR SUMTHIN?!" Nnoitra yelled and grabbed Jake by the collar of his shirt. Not something Jake himself had predicted happening, kay thanks. He also noted that there was like…a tattooed five on the man's tongue…god was that big. It kinda freaked Jake out.
"Is your mother by any chance a giraffe?"
"WHAT?!" He didn't need this dude screaming in his ear either. Jake looked at him square in the eyes…eye? Yeah singular was best.
"Aren't you supposed to be helping me?!" Jake shoved his hand in Nnoitra's face and then pointed off towards the window.
"LOOK IT'S AIZEN SAMA IN A LOLI DRESS!" Nnoitra's eye (SINGULAR IS BEST!) doubled in size and his jaw dropped.
"WHAT?!" Jake all the while deftly put on rubber gloves and grabbed a instrument that one would use for tongue piercing…and no Jake did not work in a piercing parlor on the weekends. Not every character in the story has to be screwed up, ALL RIGHT!
He made a lurch for Nnoitra's tongue and the fifth espada gagged, arms flailing at the fact that his fucking TONGUE was being inspected.
"Hmmm it is a tattoo, intriguing…where ever did you get it done? I'm surprised it's not a unicorn, or a pretty flower." In order to communicate with an asshole, one had to be an asshole! The long haired espada slapped Jake's hand away and was about to grab his gianormus, possibly compensating, weapon from its leaning position against the wall but he paused. Jake noted a sudden wetness come into the man's eye.
"T-Tattoo…NO! More like a branding!!! LIKE CATTLE FOR SLAUGHTER! That's all we are!" It was safe to assume that Aizen might just be selling people as slaves? Black market scheming, I THINK SO! Jake pat the fifth espada on the back while Nnoitra sobbed a little.
"It's all right, everything will be okay." The fifth espada felt it candid to slap the human away from his person and pointed, with a rather long finger mind you, at Jake. As if he had caused the travesty of branding Nnoitra's tongue or something.
"LIES! That's what the fruity, pansy ass pink skirt-wearing fag said too! HE WAS WRONG! Hypothesize he said…dumbass! I'll never forgive him!" Nnoitra seemingly had issues with Szayel, which was all well and dandy, now if Jake could just bring himself to caring…that'd make this all the less painfully boring. He scribbled down none important notes on the pad, such as what to have for dinner tonight, a random girl's phone number he just remembered, and also several names for the pet parakeet he was thinking about purchasing later on this week. That is, of course, if he survived this.
"Sometimes I get so frustrated!!"
"And then you turn green and muscular and go on rampages!" Nnoitra blinked at the man, who returned the stare. Jake waved it off, "Never mind continue, please, I'm all ears." So this prompted a few more gruesome tales of Nnoitra killing shit and stuff.
"YEAH! I smashed her head in real good!" Jake looked up.
"What was that?"
"See there's this bitch named Neliel Tu Oder Schvank, right? And she was always all "girls are better then boys blah blah blah I have giant freakin BOOBS!!" But I showed that skank! SLICED HER IN THE GODDAMN FACE!" Jake blinked at this revelation and sank into his chair a little. Oh god…another crazy! WHY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!
"So uh…how old was this woman, Nelilalulalu…no wait that's not it Nelielu blah blah…SCREW IT! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SLICE HER IN THE FACE?!" Jake cried out flailing his arms at a confused Nnoitra.
"I told ya' why! She started it first! She's the bitch! Not me!" Nnoitra stated slamming his hand onto the table. Jake had a bad feeling that his table was somehow going to irrevocably end up either: A) destroy B) damaged in a irreplaceable way or C) Out in the visitor's room and in the face of another one of these screw ups.
The door suddenly opened a small amount a certain pink haired espada made a cameo appearance into their session.
"Mr. Szayel! I'll have to ask you to leave…" Szayel held up one gooooorgeously perfect, self-tailored gloved covered, finger and muttered a few words of information.
"Did he forget to mention how she ued to pwn his ass hard in training and that she's now nothing but a babbling baby! HAHA!" Szayel darted out of the room moments before a teacup crashed against the wall where, had he been still stationed there, would probably sent glass porcelain shards into his face.
The pink haired espada turned to face the slicked back brown haired man, who eyed him with a raised eyebrow, and was drumming his right hand on his left arm. Szayel smiled sheepishly.
"I was merely aiding in Nnoitra's advancement to better mental health, Aizen sama." Aizen, though not known to picking favorites actually scratch that he did have a favorite and if you guessed Uli-WHOR-AH then DING DING give yourself a cookie cause I'm too cheap to give you one, eyed the pink haired espada with an unemotional glance. Szayel somewhat shrank at the man's crud, callous, and over bearing nature. How he hated to be in such close proximity to the leader of Hueco Mundo! Aizen shrugged, an action almost as perplexing as the fact that he was reading a magazine, and he walked off towards his other chattering compatriots.
"She was a BABY?!" Jake asked exasperated at the information just given to him.
"N-NO! She wasn't! Don't…don't listen to that fuckin' FRUIT CAKE! He's out to get me!"
"A likely story, Mr. Nnoitra. You're a pedophile, aren't you?" And there went his predictions about his table. Yes it had been one swift, quick stroke, and in those brief moments he hadn't even the chance to say goodbye. All the patients, all the teacups it had balanced, and to be rendered completely destroyed because of…this…THING!
There was an ear-shattering crack and a few woodchips went flying around for an added dramatic effect. THE HORROR! Oh how a burning furious anger swept through him at that moment! Jake couldn't believe his eyes, or ears, or…anything!
"You-!! You!!! YOU SONOFABITCH!" Jake yelled eyes wide with anger and undeniable anger!
"Sometimes the loss of composure is needed for the sake of keeping one's sanity, Mr. Psychiatrist."
"COMPOSURE?! COMPOSURE?! The only thing lost here was the life of my three hundred dollar fucking TABLE!! You goddamn whack job!!" Jake yelled at the espada who was leaning back, quite smugly, in the comfy sofa. Nnoitra merely eyed the doctor with a contemptuous glance.
"Such harsh words aren't good for my psyche Mr. Psychiatrist."
"Oh go shove your psyche up your spoon fetish ass, bastard." It was then that Jake noticed a subtle…okay not all that subtle, change in the espada. It was uhm, rather frightening to say the least.
"Spoon fetish…S-SPOON FETISH?!?!"
"Yes. I diagnose you with a spoon fetish and a major case of being a fucking ASSHOLE!" Nnoitra regarded the man with one of his fugly ass sneers; he really does have overly large teeth though seriously.
"Oh well how about I diagnose you with a case of decapitation by lobbing your bitch ass, smart ass, head off cabron!!" Jake had no clue what the hell the last part was but it probably wasn't anything to be proud about. Damn he wished he paid attention in Spanish class.
"Mr. Nnoitra it's fine to have fetishes, hell even I have some! It doesn't make you a bad person for having one of spoons. I will not judge our session, or your completely fucked up mind, upon your intricate fantasies about spoons." He placed a reassuring hand on the fifth espada's knee. Nnoitra's eye twitched and he snarled, mouth contorting into a rather ugly sneer. Okay…he was always ugly but the sneer made it much, much, worse. Nnoitra slapped his hand away and raised his weapon above his head.
"N-Now…How about them colleagues?!" Jake asked fearing for his life just now and possibly for the rest of the sessions he'd have to endure. Nnoitra grumbled and sat back down his weapon a mere five inches from Jake's head. He sighed and sat down again, pointy shoes catching Jake's eye rather boldly. They really were…pointy. Like…Santa's little helpers pointy. Elf…it could be!
"What about em'? They're all bitches! Grimmjow fails and tries to impress Aizen-sama with his bullshit, goddamn FURRY!"
"Furry?"
"Heh…yeah…Hailbel is bitchy PMSing whore! Stark is a lazy bastard, old guy smells, and I basically wanna chop Uliquorra's emo, kiss ass, I'll be your ass slave Aizen sama head off!!" Nnoitra grumbled, crossing both stick like arms over his chest.
"Uh huh I see. And what about Szayel? Do you have any qualms about him?" Nnoitra's eye twitched, and his lip went up into a half sneer, which by the way was far more ugly than a full sneer. "Don't mention that pink haired cannibalistic bastard." Jake was highly intrigued now, had Szayel actually caused this man…er…thing suffering? If so he'd had to give Szayel a fucking hug! Or not…creepy bastard was creeeepy. He cleared his throat and sat straight in his own chair, fighting the urge to look like he was delighted by this new information.
"Please, Mr. Nnnoitra this is a therapy session. You may confide into me anything you wish, for it's better to let the bad things out than keeping them within us. It's for self preservation, no?" Jake liked how he phrased that, ooooh it could a catchy philosophical AD for his services! But then again…he might actually get more fucktards like these guys! Oh holy hell he actually made something with his own brain and it ends up jeopardizing his own sanity! GODDAMN IT!
"Eh well…fine I guess…goddamn bastard. It all started when pinky gained the gooooorgeous, FUCKING FLAMING, eighth espada spot…" Nnoitra stated clearly making fun of Szayel with his poorly done rendition of him. Jake was going to interject that he had once been the eighth espada…and how did our loveable therapist know this? He slid a copied scanlation of chapter 294 underneath his seat, for safe keeping of course.
Flashback tiem!
"I see…it's a rather new theory I've come up with Aizen sama." A pink haired and eloquently dressed Espada stated as he walked before the man, known as Aizen, and pushed open the two gigantic double white doors which lead into a room of similar and equal color scheme. Aizen's brown eyes scanned the area and his vision was only directed towards a very large cauldron, white with PINK of course, after he heard the profane shouts of what seemed to be an extremely disgruntled Nnoitra. Szayel's mouth contorted into a smirk as he heard a rather profound snort come from his leader, but it quickly turned into a cough.
"Um, yes, Szayel just what exactly are you doing with Nnoitra?"
"I'M GUNNA FUCKING KILL YOU SZAYEL!" The pink haired man brushed off the threat and merely pushed his glasses up his nose, quickly crossing his arms over his chest as he directed Aizen to a poorly drawn schematic of what appeared to hollows eating stuff and uh yeah.
"You see Aizen sama I've have this amaaaazingly ingenious theory! Spoon-feed the hollows sedatives so they work for you! I even made my own special recipe out of delicious and only the most goooooorgeooooous souls! And seeing as how Nnoitra's ugly horrible fashion sense resembles a spoon I thought to put it to good use with my own little twist on things." Aizen nodded his eyes flashing in understanding and interest. Nnoitra wriggled in his upside down position his spoon like headgear just above the boiling vat of…stuff.
"I see…however did you get him into the position though?" Aizen asked wondering how someone so goddamn difficult like Nnoitra would ever do something so amazingly STUPID. Szayel smiled.
"Oh there's more than one ways to spike a drink, Aizen sama…" Aizen really didn't want to know what the hell the pink haired man did exactly and pushed off any, fangirlish thoughts of crack pairings out of his mind.
"YOU KIDDIN' ME?! This idea fucking sucks! Just like your goddamn hair color you pansy ass WHORE!"
"I see…spoon feeding hollows…INGENIOUS! I'll take it you've tried it on a few?" Aizen said in cordial manner, smiling as both he and Szayel began to depart from the room.
"What hell let me down! I know where you sleep Szayel…you're DEAD!" Szayel turned to the now red in the face fifth espada, who by the way, now had most of his blood rushing to his brain…I wonder can they die like that? OH WELL! Szayel's eyes flashed and he smiled a wicked, twisted, devious smile.
"That's what you get for not giving me any credit for killing off those bitches you pendejo." And both he and Aizen left the room leaving the other to his cursing and well ultimate demise.
"I'M GONNA CERO YOU IN YOUR GODDAMN FACE!"
End flashback tiem!
Jake stared, mouth agape, at Nnoitra who was to say in the least really fucking pissed now.
"I uh…see well that must've been a traumatizing ordeal for you Nnoitra. I've very sorry to hear that." Even though he WASN'T! Nnoitra nodded and sniffled which wow weird to imagine…CREEPY ESPADA IS CREEEPY!
"YEAH! And I felt bad for the bastard when he woke up the next morning outside in the sand dunes with BLUE FUCKING HAIR!" Nnoitra grumbled.
"Well I can see there is an extreme amount of tension between the two of you…should I ask Szayel come in here for a small group counseling session?" Nnoitra looked at Jake as if he just seen Aizen in a pink frilled maids outfit…which I hope I broke someone's brain with that imagery.
"Yer jokin' right?" Jake really wished he was but…it was his duty! And honor! And oh dear sweet god on rye bread he was going die!
"No, no I'm not."
Silence…
"Riiight well I take that as an indifferent opinion." He got up and opened the door; the scene was to say the least something he wished he hadn't been able to witness. There was apparently another one of these Espada asleep on one of the waiting room couches. Grrimmjow was pissing another espada off; Ulqiuorra was his name, and he seemingly was trying his hardest not to kill, or obliterate the sixth espada. Aizen was merely reading a hair care and design magazine not really paying any attention whatsoever to any of the going ons his FREAKY ASS FAMILY WAS CAUSING! Everyone looked up, and Szayel hid what seemed to be a doll looking amazingly identical to Nnoitra and filled with odd things labeled in Spanish, behind his back. He chucked it out the window and went back to avoiding eye contact.
"Gin add that to the list, will you." A man with eyes that were seemingly always closed, which made Jake wonder how the hell he SAW anything, wrote the word window down on a rather long list of things to be repaid for. At least they were nice…sort of?
"Szayel would you please come in for a moment?"
"OOOOOH." Everyone, besides Hailbel, Stark, and Uliquorra, said altogether.
"Shut the fuck up...assholes" The pink haired man flipped his hair and walked into the room.
"Being barbaric and disgusting as ever I see, Nnoitra." Szayel said in one of the most smug and condescending tones Jake had ever heard in his life.
"I'll be barbaric on your goddamn FACE!"
"Now Nnoitra please, we must finish this session on a good note…although you did almost try to kill me, completely destroyed my priceless antique table, and are a complete freaky ass, pointy shoe wearing, asshole. Ending sessions on a good note is the best." Nnoitra hissed at Szayel who was smiling wickedly at him.
"What the hell you so happy about, ass."
"Oh…nothing. I just happened to drop a certain doll out a certain waiting room window with a certain amount of internal organs in it." Nnoitra's eyes widened.
"Oh you sonofabit-" he stopped mid sentence and his face went pale. Jake looked at the longhaired man with minimal concern.
"Is everything…"
"I think my spleen just exploded…" Szayel cackled loudly as he dodged the weapon of Nnoitra.
"Fuck you Nnoitra!" The pink haired man said as he flipped off the other espada, who was now writhing in pain on the couch, and somewhat dashed out of the room. Jake sighed, his head falling between his shoulders, and he shook it back and forth in utter defeat.
"GRAAAH FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!" Nnoitra raged and then gagged.
"I don't think this session accomplished anything you've been diagnosed before…so get the hell out AND STOP BLEEDING ALL OVER MY CARPET!"
"W-What?! What's my diagnosis?!" Nnoitra said with some difficulty as he coughed up some more blood.
"I told you! You have a spoon fetish, are an asshole, and you need to shut your ugly ass mouth!"
"Don't have a spoon fetish!!!" The espada gasped.
"OKAY! FINE! You're a deranged ex-convicted Christmas elf that worked for Santa!"
"Who the fuck is Santa you goddamn human SCUM!"
"Hmm let me make it more clear for you Mr. Nnoitra." Jake held up both hands and with keen eyes he eyed both open palmed hands and turned to the sneering pirate espada, who by the way spleen was exploded. Jake lifted his left hand up a little more then his right, almost imitating a scale of sorts, and he then eyed the espada.
"This is Aizen sama, got it?!" He then looked over at his right hand, "and this is your bitch ass beneath Aizen sama's fucking foot, got it?! Clear? Capeche?! YOU. ARE.AN.ASS.SLAVE.TO.AIZEN!!!!" Nnoitra merely blinked and then coughed up some more blood. Jake's eye twitched and he pointed, with an aggravated finger, to the door.
"GET THE HELL OUT! NOW!" Nnoitra stood up clutching his waist as he did so and walked out the door, slamming it shut and leaving nothing but a disgusted, disgruntled, and damn well angry therapist in his wake.
Fin
Just like to thank all my readers and reviewers! Glad my insanity and stupidity is amusing you all. xD Sorry for the looooong delay in updating, college gives me writers block like whoa, and I appreciate your waiting! Oh yeah, sorry if the chapter isn't as funny as the others...Nnoitra is...hard to write for mainly because I hate him so much and uh yeah his tongue really freaks me out... a lot. Sooo you hope you enjoy and don't forgot to read and review! ;D
