Part Three

When they landed, the trio were in what appeared to be the slums.

Rats, mice, pigeons, cats, dogs, and small elephants wondered the streets.

"Ok, now what?" asked Ron, once again, picking at his ear.

"Well, I suppose we should find Voldey. That no nose bastard has done all this!" Harry said angrily.

"He also looks like a bald Michael Jackson." Hattrick laughed.

"Strangely, I see where you're coming from." Harry agreed.

Ron continued scratching his ear, under he pulled something small out.

"Harry, look!" he cried.

"ZOMG!" Harry yelled. "It's a tracking device, by looks of it."

"How would you know what a tracking device looks like?" Humpty Dumpty said- and no, this isn't Hermoine.

The group turned around, to see a large unshaven egg-shaped man sitting atop a wall. He looked rather ragged, dirty, his hair was scraggly- not at all nice and straightened, then styled with wax like mine is occassionally. Humpty smoked a small roll-up ciggarette, and he coughed loudly, hacking his lungs, then he spat a large glob of creamy phlegm onto Hermione's face.

"HEY!" she cried.

"What's your problem pal?" Harry said, brandishing his wand."I'll be pushing you off that wall in a minute, Dumpty!"

"Dumpty? UGH another who thinks my name is Humpty Dumpty." Humpty spoke with a thick new york accent.

"Then what is it?"

"Let me tell you my story...

"As a child, I was always big for my age. My mother sat on me for god-knows how long, thinking I was an egg! And dad? ...Dad just sat there. Anyway, school was terrible- who wants to date a guy who looks like a fricking egg? I'm in my fifties for god sake, and I'm still a virgin."

Harry, Ron and Hermachomachoman covered laughs.

"And now? I sit here. My dad was cruelly pushed off a wall, and then eaten! You know the rhyme;

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

The greatest fall that anyone had ever fell...

and he fell...

and he fell...

until...!

All the king's horses,

All the king's men,

And the starving villagers,

Had egg for breakfast lunch and dinner,

Again, and again, and again..."

"That's uh, neat, Dumpty JR, but we got to go..." Haryy began.

"My name is Steve!" Humpty Steve yelled.

"Ok, Ok."

"Oh my god, Harry, Look!!" Ron cried, pointing at the sky.

The Dark Mark formed in the sky- it was a skull, sucking on a penis.

"Voldemort is here!" Steve said, aand fell back off his wall with a nasty crack.

Voldemort appeared before the trio.

"Damn right!" he said with a laugh.

"Voldemort, you bastard. You told the muggles where Hogwarts was, and now they're tearing it apart!" Harry lunged at Voldemort, but Voldemort moved.

"Eh?" he asked, licking his nostrils again. "No I didn't."

"Liar!" cried Ron. He got out his 'wand'.

"Ew Ron, put your penis away, please!" Herfurryferret cried in horror.

Ron frowned and put it away, but then pulled ou this wand!

"Odoureaters!" he cried, and Voldemort began hissing and screaming in pain.

"Stop, you ginger biscuit!" Voldemort cried.

"Ron, stop. I think he's telling the truth." Harry said slowly.

"I am. Why would I tell the muggles where Hogwarts is? If they love Harry, they hate me! They'd rip me apart like they're doing to the school." Voldey explained.

"He's right. If he didn't do it, then who did?" Harry asked.

"Only one person, and it doesn't make any sense, but bear with me." Voldey said. "The only person who could have made it happen...would be the person telling this story!"

"What, the fanficker?" Ron guessed.

"Yes. So we have to find him, and kill him, and delete his story, and hopefully everything will go back to normal."

"But we don't know where he is."

"Well, I know a guy, who knows EVERYONE. He can supply us with a a map."

Harry had zoned out of the conversation, and was thinking about HIS fanfiction, about Pokemon. Oh, Misty, I cried, fucking her hard. You're so good. Ash sure taught you well... Oh Harry- you're better than ever, kiss me, kiss me, you magic thing...Harry. Harry!

"HARRY!!" Screeched Voldemort, his voice rivalling that of a banshee.

"Eh? What?" Harry said, turning away. He moved his erection so it was upwards, trapped between his jeans and his stomach.

"Are you coming? We are going to get my friend, The Merchant."

"I didn't know we were doing that."

"Ack TUNG!!" Voldemort howled.

"I didn't know he was german." Ron said to Hereelsupinsideya.

The group wandered through the slums of wherever they were, following Voldey, who apparently knew the way.

They had to ask for directions twice.

"Well we don't need to ask for directions." Voldey insisted.

"Yeah we do, we're lost." Her said.

"No, I'm a man, I know where we're going!"

"We've walked past this porn shop Simply Pleasures four times now."

"No, no. I'm not lost. Just...temporarily misplaced."

"I'm going to ask."

Hertwinkie went over to a hooded man who stood near the porn shop.

"Excuse, me, do you know where The Merchant is?" she asked.

In a gruff cockney accent, the man replied.

"Stranger, stranger, you've come to the right place!"

"You're The Merchant??"

"Yeah, 'ave you not played Resident Evil 4?"

"No."

"Oh..."

Voldemort came over.

"Merchant, my good friend, how are you?"

"I'm good, thanks, you?"

"I cold a slight case of the sniffles, but nothing too bad!"

The pair laughed like old friends do.

"Wanna go for a pint, later?"

"Aye, I do." The Merchant chuckled. "What is it you need?"

"A map. A map showing the way to The Fanficker."

The Merchant gasped.

"But he's like, the creator of this land! the creator of everything!! He's a very dangerous dude, why are you doing this?"

"He's ruining my chances of killing Harry. He's gonna get me killed!"

"Oh, well I do have a map, aye, showing the way. But it's dangerous, you have to go through 4 different, but predictable areas before you arrive at the Fanficker's lair."

"Predictable? Like, a fire area, a water area, an desert area, and...?"

"A jungle one."

"Oh. Pfft, peice of piss."

"We could just use that apparating spell to get there." Hermarlon suggested.

"That would defeat the object of an adventure, and make this story about 5 pages long." Voldey explained,

"Oh."

"Yer...Thank you, Merchant, I will be in touch!"

The group set off, with Voldey leading the way and the yellowed map in their hands.

Would Harry finish his fanfiction?

Would Harry save Hogwarts?

Well considering who the story is about, it's not that difficult to decide is it?