Bessie greets me with an amused chuckle as I enter the kitchen. I'm pretty sure my eyes are actually closed and the kitchen I'm seeing is the memory that has seared itself into the back of my eyelids. They did, in fact, allow me to stay the night. I should amend it to add that I was allowed to stay in a vacant room across the house from Joey's. I suppose it was no small coincidence that Bessie and Bodie's room was between me and Joey.
"You look as asleep as I used to this early in the morning," she says softly.
"I have no trouble getting up before the crack of dawn," I assure her. I yawn and finally pull my eyes open.
She moves to find me a clean mug and pour some coffee into it. As she slides it in front of me, I inhale and smile gratefully. "Thank you. Is Joey up yet?"
"No. I haven't even heard her alarm go off." Her look suddenly grows stern. "Don't you even think about going in there and waking her up."
"I won't." I say, but I smirk. "Told her there was no way in hell we were going to be on the road by five."
She chuckles. "If you're accepting bets, my best guess is ten."
I nod. "I'd give you that, but I agree." I know I shouldn't ask her, but I almost have to. There is no way we could be alone in the kitchen without my asking. "Are you really okay with the whole me and Joey secret thing?"
Bessie blows out a deep sigh and takes a long pull from her coffee mug. I smile faintly as I notice the chipped heart and the words "World's Greatest Mom" printed on the ceramic; probably Joey's first attempt at a Mother's Day present. The reason I say that is because 'mom' is crossed out with permanent marker, and written beneath it is 'sister/guardian'. "I guess it depends on your intentions. I was pretty surprised Joey could keep anything of that magnitude a secret for so long. My biggest question is why."
"In a word?" I volunteer. "Dawson." I trace my finger around the edge of the mug she poured for me. "All this really started suddenly, and neither of us felt like we were in a place to risk his friendship. We were also a little afraid of what it would do to our relationship to have his prying eyes involved." I blow out a deep breath. "I think we're a little less afraid now."
"Well, I would hope your relationship would be stronger after a year."
I look up at her and meet her concerned gaze. "Yeah," I agree, my voice barely an echo. "Plus, we were so nervous that I wasn't going to graduate and that I would have to stay here and redo parts of my senior year. Getting me through that was a big deal because, in a way, it frees me up to go with her."
"Is that what you really want?" Bessie asks, leveling her gaze at me. It isn't so much concerned for Joey anymore. It's concerned for me.
"I want to be with her and take her on a real date, out in public. I want to buy her flowers and be all cheesy and romantic on Valentine's Day. I want to be able to go to a movie with our friends and hold her hand. If I have to be in Boston for that to take place, then so be it."
"What about finding your own way?"
"Well, that's a whole different question, now isn't it?" I say with a chuckle. I look away from her. "Can I tell you something I haven't told Joey yet?"
She offers a sly smile. "I guess that depends on what it is. But it would be nice to be in on the secret."
I smile back at her. "Doug got to be good friends with a guy from Falmouth while he was in the police academy. The guy's twin brother owns a pretty nice restaurant out there. Doug says there's a job for me there if I want it."
"A restaurant, huh? What kind of job are we talking? " Bessie says. I know she's immediately thinking of the disastrous falling out of the Icehouse.
"It would be back of the house on the prep line."
"You would have to be to work pretty early for that."
"Yeah," I agree. "And Danny, the guy who owns it, says if I show enough promise he would sponsor me through culinary school."
"What prompted him to make that offer?" She asks, leaning in.
"He apparently really, really needs a Sous Chef to be in charge when he can't be there, and would rather train someone than hire someone. That weekend Doug and I went fishing before graduation was actually kind of a job interview. We went with Doug's friend and with Danny. He made me cook the fish we caught on a grill and stood over my shoulder the whole time." I smile and look down. "It was kinda fun, and he said I didn't look too stupid to do the job."
Bessie smiles. "Well, I hope that works out for you. Why haven't you told Joey yet?"
"I don't know," I say and scratch my cheek. "I love her, but it was nice to have something that was just mine for a little while, you know? I almost feel like I'm not following her. I was going to wait and see how this trip goes with the telling everyone before I say anything." I take my first sip of the coffee.
There is a moment of silence between us before Bessie continues. "You never answered my question, Pace." She looks at me again with that direct look that lets me know there's no way I'm getting out of this. "What are your intentions for my sister?"
I think back to Mr. James and smile. "Well, right now it's just to get the hell out of dodge. But long term?" I drop my voice and my head. "I want to grow old on a porch swing in front of the sunset with her."
"And you think Joey's on the same page?" She asks. It should be noted that she doesn't sound skeptical, just curious.
"I guess we'll find out, now won't we?" I say, taking another drink of coffee as I hear Joey's alarm from down the hall.
"Just… please be careful?" She says, lowering her voice. She looks at me very seriously. "I mean, that's my little sister, you know? And I can already see her heading down a road I've been down. She was so happy last night when we were talking in my bedroom, and I have to let go and let you guys realize that you're adults now. But that doesn't mean I want anything bad to happen."
"I will," I say simply. "And just so you have another heads up, Dawson came and saw me the other night. He said he wants to give Joey a promise ring."
"Oh, that sounds like an awkward conversation."
"Yeah," I agree. "Especially because Joey was hiding in the other room and heard every word of it. But he made it sound like he might do something on this trip, so she might call you…"
Bessie sighs. "Dawson is really as head-in-the-clouds as ever, isn't he?"
"Yes," I say simply. "I tried to talk him out of it, but I don't really know what he's going to do. Honestly, I think this is a lot of the reason Joey wants the truth to come out now."
"No matter when it happens, you know that you're both going to lose him, right? I'm not saying it's right or very grown-up, but it's going to take him some time to come around."
"I don't think he's going to come around." I say honestly, flatly. "The question is just what Joey does with that."
Bessie nods. "Well, there's a new wind blowin', Pace. I haven't seen her hang out with him or heard her talk about him at all in a long time. I wonder if she's already rejecting him because of all this."
"It could be, but I've been careful not to talk to her about that." I shrug. "Who am I to question if she wants to spend more time with me? It's not like I'm about to argue."
Bessie smiles and gets up to find another mug. I turn and see Joey in the doorway to the kitchen. "Mornin', sunshine." I say, forcing my voice to be overly bright.
"Morning? Is that what this god-forsaken time of day is called?" She asks, wandering over to the table with practiced ease and dropping into an empty chair next to me.
"You know, you registered for some 7:30 am classes. You'll probably be getting up this early on a semi-regular basis." I point out as Bessie sets coffee down in front of her.
"Live on campus. Less than one block away from class." She says in small bursts. "And there's always the possibility of switching to a later section."
Bessie places the mug in front of her with a smile. "You might want to do that now and save yourself the trouble of sleeping through class."
"Or you may want to buck up because Dawson's so excited to get to school that he's pulling up as we speak."
Her head shoots up. "How are we going to explain the fact that you're here?"
"Umm," I stall as Bessie goes to answer the door before Dawson rings the doorbell and wakes everyone else up. "We'll just.."
"Hey… Pacey. What are you doing here this early?" Dawson says as he appears in the kitchen, with Bessie firmly on his heels looking apologetic.
"Doug asked me to find other accommodations for the evening so I didn't wake him up leaving this morning since he worked late last night. Bodie asked me to look at the air conditioning. Factor in the late dinner/dessert party last night, and I ended up crashing here."
"Did you crash here with your bag to take on the trip?" He asks slowly, looking at Joey with a wry grin of amusement. Her head is resting on her arm, on the table, and her eyes are closed.
"That I did," I say, trying not to make my extended glance at her too obvious. As tense as she was just a moment earlier, I think she really is asleep again. "I'll go grab mine and hers and load them up." I do exactly as promised, smirking at Jen asleep on Jack's chest and Jack asleep with his face pressed against the window, and come back to find Dawson drinking Joey's coffee. Joey's head is still on the table and my guess is that she's returned to her previous state of slumber.
"Well, I guess we're off." I say uncertainly. I put my hand on Joey's shoulder, knowing that I must tread carefully here. According to Bodie in our post-dessert dish-washing session last night, my feelings for her are written all over my face, all the time. Bodie says he doesn't know how they missed it for so long because it really is obvious. That was comforting. "Jo.."
She makes a small noise and snuggles deeper into her arm. I sigh and finally pick her up from the chair. She's still wearing her lavender spaghetti-tank top and pants with matching print. I hope she's not embarrassed by that. "Bessie, she left her sandals in the doorway. Will you please grab those and I guess we'll be off?"
"Okay," Bessie agrees and approaches her room. I breathe a sigh of relief that I had the foresight to get dressed. Or maybe it was the fact that I slept naked and don't consider myself an exhibitionist. Bessie comes out to the truck with the requested flip-flops and a soft fleece blanket that I recognize as always being on Joey's bed. Joey told me once that Bessie made it for her shortly after their mom died.
I've got her loaded in the third seat of Jack and Jen's row, and I lay her on Jen's shoulder. I buckle the seatbelt and lay the blanket over her. Dawson is absorbed in finding the perfect CD to start our morning drive and Bessie is the only other person awake. I sneak a soft kiss on the cheek and Joey sighs softly. I smile and look over at Bessie.
"Thanks. I'll have her call you at our first stop when she's a little more with it."
"Thanks," Bessie echoes. "You guys have a good trip."
"We will," I agree, giving her a reassuring grip on the arm before I claim my spot in the passenger's seat in front. Joey and I had discussed that she would be sleeping through our departure, knowing her early-morning waking habits as I do. Still, I smile knowing that we have that level of comfort with each other. I essentially just tucked her in and said goodbye to Bessie for her and that belies a lot of intimacy. I just hope Dawson won't pick up on it. The only time he notices things is when you don't want him to.
"I guess I should say thanks for staying awake," Dawson says as he backs out of the long dirt driveway.
"Sure. Bessie offered me coffee when I woke up anyway. After the coffee she makes, there is no going back to sleep."
"Tell me about it. I downed the whole mug she poured for Joey," he echoes. He looks in his rear-view mirror. "I'm guessing Joey could've used it more."
I chuckle. "I don't think it would matter. You and I both know the likelihood that girl is going to rise and shine before ten a.m. when school is out."
Dawson sighs. "I guess I owe everyone a bit of an apology. I'm so anxious to get to school that the early morning call time didn't bother me." He glances in his rear-view mirror and I pretend, very narrowly, not to be completely shocked that he may be considering someone else's feelings.
"Well, you won't be apologizing when we hit the morning traffic in New York. We should get there about—"
He groans. "Just after eight a.m."
"If we're lucky," I conclude. "We'll have the Boston traffic to handle first."
Dawson rolls his eyes. "You are way more pragmatic than me. Why don't I ever think of these things? "
"You totally just rolled your eyes like Joey. Don't let her catch you doing that, she won't shut up about it."
"So, what's up with you two lately?" He asks out of nowhere. I turn my head quick so I can pretend I was already looking out the window.
"Meaning what, exactly?" I ask, trying desperately not to clear my throat. It's been not so gently pointed out that I tend to do that a lot when I'm nervous or lying. More specifically, it was pointed out by Joey right after we started our covert dating ops. And she pointed out that I was doing it all the time around our friends.
"Meaning you two seem awfully close lately. You're always over there. You carried her out to the car this morning. It seems to me you would've been afraid of being punched had you tried that sometime last week."
"Is there a note of accusation in there?" I ask, my eyebrows knitting together as I look at him for the first time since he asked the question. And I mean really looking at him. He's all tense and whatnot.
"I'm just saying… ever since I came to talk to you in confidence about her, you're always around. I haven't found any time to be alone with her at all."
"Well, Dawson, maybe if you were paying attention to anything besides yourself, you would realize that in my presence, Bodie has been absent. He's been at that fresh seafood class in Maine for your parents' restaurant for almost two weeks up until yesterday. With summer coming, there is a lot of maintenance required at a bed and breakfast, especially one as booked out as they are. Walls need to be repainted, broken guest beds and door stops need to be fixed, and a whole host of other things that I wouldn't dream of leaving in Bessie or Joey's capable yet overworked hands." My irritation is approaching fever pitch. I barely notice the groan from the backseat as my voice continues to rise. "Plus, Doug has been working really screwy hours and has asked that I make myself scarce since my waking hours don't really coincide with his. It's not like I can go back to my loving childhood home since my father emancipated my ass when I was sixteen and—"
"What's going on, Pacey?" Joey asks. I look back to see her sitting up and rubbing her eyes.
I drop my head. It's possible I was talking a wee bit loud. "I'm sorry, Jo. Go back to sleep."
She looks so much like a lost child trying to get her bearings that it makes me a little sad. "So we're already on the road?"
"Yup," I say.
"But you're okay, right? You were talking so loud it woke me up."
"I'm sorry," I volley immediately, trying to change the timbre of my voice. "I'll try to keep it down. Go back to sleep."
She looks between me and Dawson skeptically and also maybe a little sadly. "Okay," she agrees. She snuggles back down into her blanket and I feel my jaw tighten again.
"Look, Pacey, I didn't mean to—" Dawson begins.
I'm sure he's going to come up with some half-assed excuse for an apology. Some sort of 'I'm sorry but…' sort of routine. Instead, I cut him off. "You know, just don't. Let's not talk right now," I say, reaching over to turn up the music he's already selected. I look out the window, rather than making eye contact, and let my mind wander.
It was about this time last year that Joey and I started admitting how we felt about each other. Well, it was about this time last year that it happened out loud and in a physical sort of way. I suppose it was sometime around third grade that I admitted how I felt about her to myself. So much of it seems like a blur. We spent last summer working virtually side-by-side. I was working on my boat, which is still sitting in dry-dock from the winter and awaiting funding for a few finishing touches. The physicality of it really helped me face everything that happened with Andie—the sanding, scrubbing, resurfacing and rebuilding—but it seemed like I came to terms with it before everything on the boat was finished. Joey was working at the marina then, diving into full-time hours before the school year was officially over.
What do you think Dawson is going to say?
She asked me that question exactly once. We had already agreed that the year had been very turbulent for all of us and that this kind of shake-up would not be beneficial to anyone. It would just ensure that Joey and I would become further isolated, even though that's what was already happening. Dawson was off exploring the world of "does it still count as virginity if the sex was oral?", and deeply engrossed in his ever-changing stable family dynamic. Jack was torn between leaning on Andie and leaning on Jen. It was once again Joey and I, thrown together because that's how our lives have seemed to work.
We have the most in common. We understand the fundamental flaws of a barely functional and socially inadequate family. She may not have been abused by her father, but really escaped that world so narrowly that I can really lean on her when my own fatherly situation is less than ideal. Or absent as it has been of late.
We both understand flying under the high school social radar, if for no other reason than to avoid being the subject of their fodder.
The answer to Joey's question was a resounding vote of non-support. Dawson would exclude us both. Dawson would be angry and would tip the balance of friendship that we'd both worked so hard to maintain because it was the closest thing to normal and stable we both had. Dawson would cut us off.
And now I find myself wondering if that's really such a bad thing. Somewhere in the last few years, Joey and I have become each other's common denominators. We rely on each other more than we rely on him. Our relationship is normal. Well, other than the lying to our friends to keep it all calm. I just know that now I don't care what Dawson will say. Along the way, it stopped being about him and started being about us. It's what we both needed to stay sane. It's what we both wanted to be happy. She's the key to all of that for me.
She and I have our own code. I know when she wants to leave somewhere so we can be alone. I know when she's tired, lonely, bored, frustrated, sad or happy. She doesn't have to say a word. I can just tell. Somewhere along the way, blood brother be damned, I fell in love. She isn't "his" girl anymore. She's my girl. She's my everything.
