Dear Diary,
I love these night patrols, they make me feel like a real soldier for some reason. 1.30 in the morning and we were on our way to the mountain CP and it was still hot! How the hell am I gonna manage when we go back home where it is gonna be anything but hot in the middle of the night. The boss did his 'stay focussed, stay alert, stay alive' thingy which is lovely but it's a bit difficult to focus on anything when its pitch black out there and what are we watching out for exactly? Anyway we got to the CP and started to get everything set up, the boss was standing there with his thumbs hooked into his combat jacket all, 'I'm in charge'. I call it his Rambo pose. I know I'm probably being a bit mean, but I'm still really pissed off that he only took me seriously when the Major did, and I'm bloody sure that he still doesn't quite believe it. Oh Jesus, I'm going to look so stupid if he is right and I am wrong!
We hung about out of sight until the sun came up and then everyone was waiting for something to kick off, especially me! I was so sure when I started all this, but now all that is slowly dripping away. What the fuck is he gonna say if we all have to traipse off back to the compound, and what are all the lads gonna say, and more to the point, what am I gonna say to him? I am not sure that 'sorry' will cover it!
I did the water round and chatted to one of the ANA lads. God, he looked about fifteen, if that, and was so proud of his fake Rolex that he had won from a yank! It looked to me like the sort you get down the market for £3.99. He said he was eighteen, but I didn't believe him. I know I'm not that much older than him, but to me he looked like a kid.
We was hanging about waiting for something to happen when I said something to Smurf and the boss about how I wished I could take Bashira home with me and they started ganging up on me and taking the piss. The boss said he thinks that everything is a matter of luck, you know, who we are, who our parents are, where we are born… Bloody hell, he was lucky when someone threw that dice! I bet he comes from somewhere really posh and I bet his mum and dad are really minted! Not like my dad anyway! I said I wouldn't mind living out in the hills in Afghan so they started to take the piss again, said I would need wi-fi and Sky tele, so I joined in and said I would need a Top Shop and a Starbucks round the corner and laughed. The boss laughed at me and I didn't mind one bit! I quite like it when he laughs at me, it feels like we are friends!
He had just told me to "Shut the fuck up" because I was trapping off again about Bashira, when it all started to kick off. Someone, I think it was Eggy, saw people moving about in the compound and store room we was watching and then all hell broke loose. We were firing at them and the insurgents were firing at us, then they set off a rocket grenade thing at us, then the boss called in air support who blew the buggers off the face of the earth. It looked like they was all killed, the lads were really hyped but I think I found it a bit sad. Then we realised that one of them was still alive, so I treated him as a battle casualty, which he was, just not one of ours and we had him medevac'd out of there.
I checked the body bags but Bashira's dad weren't in any of them. I was surprised cos I was sure that he were Taliban and that's how come Bashira knew to warn me. The boss said that I had impressed him (blimey!) and he said it as though he was dead proud of me which gave me the butterflies again. I sort of wish he would stop doing it cos I don't know how to be when I am around him any more when he does that. It's okay when we are taking the piss out of each other, but when he gets all serious looking and looks into my eyes I sort of go to pieces inside, yet I don't really want him to stop. I dunno what to think any more, he's my boss for fucks sake!
At the de-brief the Major said I had done well and might get Mentioned in Despatches for treating the insurgent and saving his life. The boss looked really proud of me, actually I was dead proud of meself!
…..
Then the boss decided to remind everyone that we were the entertainment tomorrow night and that he was going to sing a duet. He said he needed a partner and then he volunteered me! Hello, you'll be sorry, I can't sing, no, I really can't sing! He might have asked if I wanted to do it before he volunteered me then I could have told him that I can't sing! The lads all seemed to know what we are going to sing, but no-one was telling me.
Sitting on the roof of the shitter re-reading Bella's letter tonight and watching the stars on and off when Smurf appeared with a cuppa. He is still hanging about whenever he gets a chance. He was talking about dead bodies and his brother and that, so it was impossible to be too shitty cos I do feel a bit sorry for him. I just don't know how to get the message through to him that we are mates and that's it, nothing more! I told him to sod off after a while then I realised that I was totally knackered what with being up all night and that.
I was making me way off to me pit when the boss called me into his cabin to give me the lyrics to learn. I decided to tell him that I was thinking about Bashira being safe. I know he keeps telling me not to get involved, but she did warn us and give us the heads up to save those lads at the CP. I think we have put her in danger. I can't see her dad being exactly chuffed with her. He was teasing me about it being dangerous when I think and he had a sort of smile in his eyes as he looked at me and smiled. If I didn't know better, I would think he was sort of flirting with me, then he said we would be looking after Bashira and he said it in a gentle sort of way so I felt that she would be safe. He makes me feel safe.
He told me to "Piss Off, Dawsey", so I said "You called me Dawsey, I must be winning you over with my charm and magnetism" and he laughed but he had a strange expression on his face.
What am I like? Of course he wasn't flirting with me, it's what me Nan would call 'wishful thinking', he's the boss for fucks sake!
….
He woke me up a couple of hours later, came in the tent and shook me awake, but quite gently, to tell me to go to ops tent. At first I thought I had overslept, but if I had, why the hell would the boss be the one to wake me up? God, I think I might have been dreaming about him.
There were a load of people in the ops. tent even though it was 2.00 in the morning cos they had been listening to Bashira's dad with the listening thingy and they had decided he was Taliban after all and dangerous. We were going to mount a raid on her house in the morning and the Afghan social services were going to take her away from her dad to a safe house in Kabul. Oh God, I never meant for her to end up in 'in care' or whatever they call it in Afghan.
The raid was scheduled for first thing so we were all in the village before the place got to be bustling as it does later on in the day and I was supposed to ID her dad and then the ANA were going to lift him while social services grabbed Bashira. Needless to say it all went bloody pear shaped! We got into her house and it was empty. I immediately started to panic. What the hell had they done with her? I started shouting at the boss for answers but he didn't know any more than I did. Then the lads ID'd her but immediately started saying that something was wrong, the locals were afraid and were all rushing off as fast as they could. I ran to the village centre yelling "Where? Where? Where?" with the boss running fast on my heels. She was standing in the middle of the square and it was obvious that she was wearing a suicide belt. Everyone, and I mean everyone, started yelling and screaming at her to stand still and to lift her arms and they were all pointing guns at her at the same time. These were grown men and a little girl wired up as a bomb who was scared shitless and they thought that the best way to deal with this was to yell at her?
I took off me helmet and body armour and started to walk towards her. Then they all started yelling at me but I shouted back to let me deal with it, they were scaring her. I needed to make sure that she was okay, this was all my fault. I could hear panic in the boss' voice, I haven't heard that panic in his voice since I got on the winch when Smurf was shot. He was flinging orders around about blocking radio signals and getting bomb disposal, and then Quaseem, who was listening on the earphone thingy, was saying that they were trying to detonate the bomb. Oh good! I don't know why they were throwing a fit, it was me that was going to get blown up, not them! I was talking away to Bashira trying to keep her calm and still. I was smiling at her to convince her that it was no big deal, while we waited for Darth Vader to turn up and get the bomb off her As soon as the bomb bloke had got the vest off, Social Services grabbed her and legged it back to a truck then pissed off out of it. The boss was yelling at me to move. What? Did he really think I was just going to stand there while someone came along and collected the bomb? Less than a minute later the bloody thing exploded showering everyone with dust and stones and shit and it was a hell of a big bang! I was well out of it when it exploded so I was fine, but the boss looked shattered. I wanted to hug him and say it was all okay now, but for fucks sake he's the boss!
….
The boss got some muck in his eye from the explosion so we went to the temp. med. centre so I could wash it out. As I was washing his eye with saline drops, I could feel that he was trembling slightly and breathing a bit faster than usual, but then I have never stood that close to him before, so I don't know what's normal for him. Maybe he always has the shakes? When I had finished washing his eye out I moved away slightly and saw his hand twitch as though he was going to hold onto me to stop me moving away. He didn't, more's the pity! I know he's the boss and that, and I know he is way out my league, but I really do have a huge crush on him, I fancy him something rotten. I asked him about where they had taken Bashira and he said he didn't know or care and that he didn't get 'emotionally involved'. I don't believe a word of that. We talked about Lady Luck being on our side to stop Bashira being red-misted, and he said "And you, Dawes, I would never have forgiven myself". He was looking into me eyes as he said it and just for a minute I wondered if he was feeling the same way as me. Then Kinders arrived and the moment was gone, but I can't help wondering… Oh for fuck's sake, how many more times? He's the boss!
Got to go and rehearse me singing masterpiece now. They'll be sooorrrrry! Gonna try and tart meself up a bit as well so I can take their minds off my crap singing.
Love Mols x
Authors notes: Thank you for all the lovely reviews. If you can bear to, please let me know how you feel it's going. I am really enjoying this as we are now getting to the lovely bits. It's been suggested that I try and do a companion piece to this, on Charles' thoughts and feelings at the same events. Not a diary as that has been done by the Klip Doctor and he is the master. What do you think? Worth a shot?
