Chapter 3: Still Missing

Cold. My jacket spreads it's warmth around me as it wraps me into its fur and hugs my whole body. Its protecting me against the wind that cuts into my skin. My eyes are fixated, they are looking down at the pavement. The street lights shine just enough light so I'm able to see the people passing me by. Did you know New York could be this cold in the winter? Maybe the fact that I'm here in the middle of the night adds to the existing temperatures. I keep putting one foot right in front of the other to keep my pace up. If I were to stop walking I'm sure I will freeze, sink into my mind and the thoughts would keep coming and eventually they'll make me unable to move or think. I never thought things would turn out the way they did. I knew love could hurt but I never would have guessed that it was able to destroy me. I'm trying to get back up. So far so good. Planning dinners, going to the movies, the theatre, hanging out with friends, I've been doing my best. It's starting to feel normal doing it all by myself.

The apartment is too spacious, too clean, too lonely. She always used to fill it with clutter, she just loved having her things around, endless piles of books and CD's, her clothes thrown everywhere. A smile spreads across my face as a small unexpected laugh escapes through my freezing lips. The couple that's passing me on the street smiles back at me "Have a great night!" the man waves. "You too." The man pulls his hand down and intertwines his fingers with those of the woman beside him. I keep on walking and pass numerous of bars and restaurants. Sometimes I take a pause and put my hands around my eyes, pressing them against a window to look inside. I make up stories when I see people who are laughing and drinking the night away. Oh, how I wish I were able to experience those nights again.

After two hours roaming the streets I return to my apartment. I take off my scarf, hat and jacket. A shiver runs through me as I try to shake off the cold. I step inside, close the door and take a look around the living room. Maybe it's time to repaint it and refurnish it to make a new start. As hard as it is, I know it has to be done. There's still this hope that everything will get back to how it was. That one day, at six in the morning the buzzer will go off, that I sprint to the front door, sway the door open and that she'll stand there in one piece. But this scenario is starting to feel more surreal than it ever did. These last few months I gradually lost all hope. At first I was certain that she would return but after eight months I started doubting my own trust. Now, at this exact moment, one year after her disappearance, I'm at the point of no return. I'm pretty sure that she's never coming back.

…..

"So how is she doing?"

"I don't know Lorna, I haven't seen or spoken to her in three weeks. We fought as you may seem to remember. But I do know that it's still hard on her." Nicky was hanging out at Lorna's job at The Shack. Nicky's head is in her hands as she tries to get the words out. She takes a big gulp from the beer that's in front of her. At first Lorna was concerned with Nicky, she shut everyone off and at some point she even tried to deny Alex's existence. But now, Lorna was getting frustrated and angry, some days Nicky was all bright and shiny and the next she would fall in a deep depressive state of mind. She felt bad for everything that happened, she also lost a good friend, but the way Nicky handled or better not handled it all was getting to her.

"Nicky, you know I love you right? You can talk to me. I know the alcohol has been keeping you company but I can't seem to wonder that it must have crossed your mind to start using again. I want you to know that whatever happens, I'm here. I'm not gonna leave you. But please, just talk to me. Tell me how you feel."

"Tell you how I feel?" Shit, the amount of alcohol she consumed was taking its toll. "Well I'll tell you. I, uh.., I feel like shit. I feel like I'm a shitty colleague, a shitty girlfriend but the worst part is that I'm the most horrible best friend ever. I should win a 'best at abandoning your friend' award cause off all people that I met in my life, of all the people I wish that would fuck off, Vause is the one to leave me and I feel like it's my own fucking fault. Wait, let me rephrase that, it just is my fucking fault. And I can't begin to tell you how many times I touched a baggy of H this past twelve months. Every time I'm about to open it I picture her looking at me, telling me 'Nicky don't you fucking dare' so I never actually use any." Nicky is getting worked up by now, she throws her hands in the air and they land back on the table with an enormous force, all the anger is pouring out of her. Lorna is looking at her and tries to comfort her by putting her hands on her arms but Nicky snatches them back.

"Vause, get off of me."

Alex is seventeen years old and is currently lying on her bed trying to reach the joint that's between Nicky's fingers. In an attempt to grab the awaiting pleasure Alex falls on top of her. "Fuck off Nichols, give me that shit." "Don't you dare to touch me! This here…" Nicky points to her body and accentuates the presence of her boobs. "is all reserved for that hot brunette that's coming over tonight."

"Don't touch me Lorna. You know that I love you, but you shouldn't love me back, I'm a fucked up person who did some fucked up shit and now my best friend is gone with the wind and I don't even know if she's dead or alive. I don't think she's coming back, even Chapman believes she's gone forever. We are both waiting for her body to show up so we can have some shit kind of closure." After that last sentence Nicky's tears are falling from her eyes. All this time, she never cried, but now the dam has broken loose and she can't seem to stop. Her shoulders are shaking heavily. Lorna takes her by the hand and leads her to the back room. She hugs her as soon as she can and releases the breath that she was holding. Finally Nicky is showing her true pain, she is acknowledging that the loss of her best friend pains her more than she dares to admit.

…...

This place is starting to feel like home. The walls of the living room and kitchen are freshly painted. The living room is a light red colour while the kitchen is white. I bought a new, deep brown leather couch that stands in the middle of the room. Alex used to want a couch like this, I never understood why she loved them so much so I always talked her out of buying one but when I saw this particular piece in the store last week I just had to take it. I almost walked past it but in the far back of my mind I could hear someone say to me 'Pipes, look at that beauty!' so I spun around and saw the brown sofa. Alex always used to act like she was the toughest woman alive but she had a small heart and knew what she liked.

I took my time to figure out which photograph I wanted to enlarge so I could put it up on the wall. So as of today, between the windows of the living room hangs a framed picture of Alex and I. It's the same picture that used to stand on our nightstand. I know I shouldn't have done it but I couldn't help myself. I know she isn't coming back but that doesn't mean that she's not a part of my life. She will always be a part of my life.

The rest of the furniture stayed the same I just rearranged them so they stand in a more practical place. Alex for sure would have never won a price of being the best interior designer. I chuckle at my own thought.

I kept all her clothing, books and CD's, if you don't know what happened you would swear that there are two people that live in this apartment. Her books fill the space on the shelves on the other side of the room. It's an open floor plan so whenever I'm cooking I can see them from the corner of my eye.

I'm not planning on changing the bedroom. Whenever I take a deep breath through my nose I swear I can still smell her, that raven haired beauty. Polly and Nicky thought it would be good for me to go on dates and get myself laid. Few weeks ago, Nicky had set up a date with a stunning woman but I couldn't even get myself to shake her hand. It felt like I was betraying Alex. I enjoyed my night but never bothered to call her back.

If you have never been in love the way like I'm in love with Alex you can't understand how I'm feeling. At this time in my life there is no room for a second lover, maybe there will never be. I'm sure I'm not going to stay on my own for the rest of my life but I'll never experience such love again. She is it for me. Was it for me.

….

"I really like what you've done with the place Piper. It's as if I'm in a totally different apartment . I'm also loving that beautiful picture of you and my daughter." Diane points at the wall between the windows.

Diane and I continue to make small talk while I make us some pasta and a salad. Eventually we sit down at the table and start eating. "How is work?"

"Good, I'm glad I switched jobs, being a cashier at my bookstore really helps me. The social interaction feels good, I'm starting to feel like I'm human again." I take another bite of my pasta.

"Are you still roaming the city at night?" Diane puts her fork and knife down and folds her hands as she's finished her meal.

"No, I quit doing that five months ago. I wouldn't dare to go outside right now, it's too cold." I lie to her. I don't want her to worry about me, she has other things on her mind.

"I saw you a week ago walking around at night. I was out with a friend of mine. You seemed so busy wandering around in your own mind so I didn't want to bother you."

There was no way to talk myself out of this conversation. She saw me. "Yeah, uhm..," I brush my hand through my hair and stand up to put the plates in the sink. Once they are down I turn around and lean my hands against the counter. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lie to you but I don't want you to worry about me."

"I will always worry about you Piper. I know Alex isn't here anymore but that doesn't mean that I stop caring about you. It feels as if you're a daughter of mine. I once told Alex and she was worried you'd take her place." Diane chuckles and I let out a laugh. I smile at her.

It's quiet for a while. It's not uncomfortable, we are just enjoying each other's presence. "I still love her." I whisper.

Diane stands up and walks towards me. She puts her hands on my shoulders and envelops me in a hug. "I know you do." I restrain myself from crying, this is not the time. "You know, Piper, Alex asked me to take care of you if anything happened to her. I'm sure that wherever she is, she's always with you, always here to take care of you." Diane points her a finger at my heart.

"Thank you." I let go of Diane and we go and sit down on the couch. "Have you heard anything from Nicky? Lorna left me a message that she finally got through to her, apparently she's starting to acknowledge that Alex is gone."

"I talked to Nicky on the phone yesterday. Although she didn't sound like she was ok she's still in charge of Vause and associates, taking over Alex's job. She said that she'll never be as good as Alex was but I'm sure she'll be fine." Diane looks me in the eye and takes my hand. "I think it'll be good if you two talked again. There's a lot that happened and I think that you both miss each other but you're too stubborn to admit it. And so, with that wisdom I'm going to go home. You can call me anytime, you know that right?"

"Yeah I do." I stand up and walk her out the door. "See you soon Diane."

"Thanks for the meal. Bye Piper."

"Nicky what are you doing here? It's the middle of the night." Nicky is standing in front of my apartment laughing as hard as she can. She is definitely wasted. "Nicky stop making all that noise, come in." Did she use any drugs?

"Hey bummer Chapman, did you know…" Nicky continues laughing and puts her hands on her knees to steady herself. I'm getting annoyed by her unannounced presence. "did you know *cough*, did you know Alex is dead." Nicky keeps on laughing. I'm dumbfounded and I can't move. Nicky walks her way over to the kitchen and takes out some liquor from the cabinet while I'm growing numb. It feels as if all the blood is leaving my body, I'm stone cold and I can't breathe. What does she mean with 'Alex is dead'? "Nicky what do you mean?" I seem to have lost my voice so it comes out barely above a whisper. She didn't hear me so I have to repeat myself. "Nicky what do you mean?"

Nicky takes a big gulp of the bottle of vodka she's holding. Between gulps she spills out "She's dead Chapman."

My heart is breaking in a thousand pieces. I haven't moved an in inch since she's here. "You are fucking with me. Stop fucking with me, it's not funny!"

"What did you say?"

"I said stop fucking with me."

"I can't hear you Blondie, I can only hear the waves of the liquid in the bottle that I'm holding." Nicky shakes the bottle and it looks like there's a whirlpool inside.

"I SAID STOP FUCKING WITH ME!" I yell as loud as I can. I don't care that it's the middle of the night. Everyone is allowed to hear it. My fucking girlfriend died and her already drunk best friend is in my apartment drinking until she drowns.

"SHE IS DEAD CHAPMAN, FUCKING DEAD, LIKE REAL DEAD!" Nicky screams at the top of her lungs and smashes the bottle into the wall.

"NICKY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!"

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU TOLD HER TO LEAVE THE RING. YOU TOLD HER TO PAY THEM THE MONEY AND START HER LIFE WITH YOU CAUSE YOU WERE AS SCARED AS A FUCKING CHILD." Nicky keeps on screaming. By now there are tears rolling down her cheeks.

"Nicky please stop." I lower my volume. She's out of her mind, she blurts this all out and I'm scared that she's right. Maybe it is my fault.

"You are the fucking reason she had to trust Fahri! And on top of that she couldn't come to you for help cause she wanted to protect you. But all along she was the one who needed protection. FUCK YOU CHAPMAN! You took my best friend and you left her to die on her own. I WILL NEVER FUCKING FORGIVE YOU!" Nicky runs back to the cabinet and takes another bottle. She downs half of it before she throws the rest at the same wall. The glass shatters into a thousand pieces and I'm getting scared.

I run to the bathroom, close the door and call Lorna. The phone keeps on ringing and I can hear more glass breaking. Fucking Nicky is destroying my apartment. 'Lorna please pick up' I think to myself.

"Hey Chapman, are you alright? I'm not supposed to answer the phone right now cause I'm at work."

"Lorna, Alex is dead and Nicky is as drunk as she can be and is throwing bottles of liquor against the wall of my living room. I'm hiding in the bathroom. Please Lorna, come pick her up." I'm sure I sound distressed.

"I'm on my way!" The phone call ends and soon Lorna bursts into my apartment. Thank god, the front door was still unlocked.

…..

"Hey Piper, what's going on?" I can hear that Diane has woken up from a very deep sleep.

"I'm sorry to call you." I'm crying and sobbing into the phone. "I'm sorry Diane."

"Piper, what happened."

I tell Diane the scene that played in front of me, the yelling, the screaming, the liquor, all of it. "It doesn't matter what Nicky said, as you confirmed she was drunk and I can assure you that Alex isn't dead. If she were dead don't you think that I would be the first to know? I would call you straight away Piper. So honey, try to calm down. You have a lot of emotions to process and I know I can't do much but I can assure you that I know for sure that Alex is not dead. She's still missing but she's not dead. Nicky lost her mind and tried to cope with her emotions in an unacceptable way. She should be ashamed. And you should try to get some sleep and I will see you tomorrow. I'm coming to see you."

"Thank you Diane." My voice is raspy from all the screaming.

"You don't have to thank me kid, I love you." For a second I would have sworn that it was Alex who said those words to me. Whispering them in my ear.

...

The familiar sounds and scents of The Shack surround me. I'm glad that it's the afternoon. The bar isn't crowded and the music isn't too loud. I try to remember the times that Alex and I walked into this bar hand in hand. Alex always teased me and kissed me on the cheek before turning to the bar to order drinks. I miss those moments. It was just the two of us.

I can see Nicky and Lorna occupying a booth next to the bar. I take off my coat and walk towards them.

"Hey guys!" I take a seat opposite of them and lay my coat next to me.

"Hey Piper." Lorna greets me. Nicky gives me a small smile but doesn't say a word. "We already ordered so if you tell me what you want I'll get it."

"Thanks Lorna, I'll have a coffee please." Lorna stands up and walks to the bar. She isn't gone for too long but even in these few minutes Nicky can't get herself to look at me. She keeps quiet and fidgets with her hands. Lorna comes back and put's the cup in front of me.

"Thanks." I take a sip from the coffee. "You know I love you guys, right?" I really miss them so if Nicky still can't get herself to talk to me I'm gonna be the grown up and take on the elephant in the room.

"We love you too Piper." Lorna takes my hand.

I look Lorna in the eyes "So I want to be friends again and I wanted to tell you guys that I'm…"

"Shut up Chapman." Nicky is still looking at her hands.

I'm shocked, here we are trying to be friendly again and the first words that leave Nicky's mouth are the ones asking me to shut the hell up. I open my mouth to speak again but she cuts me off.

"I said shut your mouth. I mean it Blondie." Finally Nicky lifts her head up and looks at me. She has dark circles under her eyes. She doesn't look too good. "I know you are about to apologise, I can sense it. But it's not your responsibility. I'm the one who should do it. I'm really fucking sorry. I know it doesn't undo the shit I pulled that night but I really mean it. I'm sorry, I really am." Nicky rubs her eyes as if she trying to push back the tears.

"Nicky, it's okay." I try to comfort her. I lean across the table and take her hand rubbing smooth circles at the back.

"No it isn't. Who the hell does such an awful thing. I burst into your apartment in the middle of the night to tell you that your girlfriend is dead when she really isn't. I don't know about now but back then, she wasn't dead. At least we didn't know for sure." Nicky is starting to tear up.

"I'm glad that you can see that it was extremely inappropriate but trust me, I can see why you did it. You missed your best friend. And I know that you believed and you still believe that she's gone. But I do hope that you realise that if you pulled that stunt on Alex she would kick your ass." I try to lighten the mood and it works. Lorna starts laughing and Nicky is chuckling.

"She would kick me out and then the next day she would come over to laugh at me and to give me the bills of the liquor." Nicky is full on smiling at this point. "That's why I love her so much, no offence Lorna but Alex … Jeez, Alex is some fucked up kind love of my life." She is remembering the things she and Alex used to do together, always having each other's back and calling each other out on their shit. That's what a real friendship is about. What their friendship was about.