Pt. 2 Ryan vs. Sharpay


"Ryan, you're doing it wrong again!" she snapped at me as a collapsed onto a chair near the door. The music clicked off and she stomped towards me angrily. "You're not concentrating enough! Stop being a lazy-ass-good-for-nothing and get to work! I'm not going to be made a fool of twice in a row because of you! There's no way Troy and Gabriella can beat us out again! You can't mess up again like you did last time, so get it straight!"

I glared up at her, panting heavily. We hadn't taken a break in more than 8 hours, practicing and rehearsing, singing and dancing, choreographing and discussing and arguing. I was getting sick of it but I couldn't tell her.

I couldn't tell her how I hated doing this. How since she became a dictator I lost my passion for the one thing I ever felt passion for. How I now wrote in a journal instead of practiced my vocals at night in the privacy of my own room. I couldn't tell her how hard she was coming down on me, how aweful she was making this experience. How no matter what she wanted, I'd never be perfect. I cant be her clone- we're only twins.

I cant tell her all that. So I remain silent and just glare.

"Don't give me that look, Ry. You know you want this part. We have to get these roles."

"No."

Silence. The only noise was the CD player, skipping as the CD remained on pause.

"What?"

"No."

I shouldn't have said that. Why did I say that? And even more, why say it twice? There's got to be something seriously screwed with my mind, today. I'm dehydrated, I'm tired-

"Ryan. Get up. Get to work-" …so damn tired… "NOW."

"NO."

That's three. I'm such an idiot. "Ry, stop fooling around."

"Get your own damn life."

Not good. That sounded not good.

"Excuse me?"

Shit. What the hell am I going to say?

"If everything I do is so screwed up, get your own damn life to run. I'm not your clone, I'm your fucking twin. Learn the difference."

She genuinely looked stunned. And hurt. A flicker of sorrow in her face. I knew I shouldn't have lashed out like that. For that one flicker of a second that she showed emotion, I felt sympathy and regret. And then Ice Queen returned, and with her came Drama King.

"You get your ASS back up and dancing until you get it right."

"Just because mum is disappointed in you doesn't mean you have to channel your frustration with life on me. Get your own damn life to run cause I'm out of here."

Was I shouting? Did I really sound that angry?

I'm moving. When did I get up? When did I start walking away? When did the music start playing?

How'd I get my journal? How the hell did I wind up in the park? Is it raining?

I cant feel anything. Can't hear anything. I'm so damn sick and tired of it all. Why did she force this on me? I just want to be me. She shouldn't try to control me. She cant control me. She's killing me. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I am is wrong. I cant take another second of wasted time. I cant take this anymore. I had to leave. I had to fess up.

I know I'll fail eventually, like her. I'll fail at life, and I'll want to take it out on her. I'll control her like she does to me. I know it because mum really is disappointed in us both equally. That's why she hates us. That's why she left. That's what dad told us.

I cant breathe. Too restricted. I'm too faithless. I'm lost. She's expecting too much. I have to be exactly like her. I have to walk in her shoes. Or in her shadow. Or both. I'm never myself. Why cant I be myself? Why do I disappoint her?

She's killing me. Holding too tightly. Smothering. Choking. It's too hard. I cant take it. Everything I do.. I cant…

"Ry?"

I didn't even realize she was there. Didn't notice. That's not like me.

I know I'm going to end up like her. She's going to end up like me. We're not so different after all.

We're both numb. Empty. She just handles it differently.

I cant feel.

She feels too much.

So tired of being what I'm not.

"I cant.. I cant be what you want me to be."

She said nothing, but held out her hand to take mine.

We'd go home.

We'd practice.

We'd get those roles.

I'd do this again another time. When I'm stronger. When she's weaker. When I can actually stick to how I feel.

When I feel. When I'm not numb…