Operation Deanquisiton

"Alright, I know how this is going to sound, but hear me out," Dean started.

"We are not going to Vegas just because there's nothing else going on. We'll find a case; we always do." Sam didn't even look up from his computer.

"Psssh, that's not what I meant. What I was going to say, was food."

"Food," Sam asked, skeptically, still concentrating on the computer.

"Evil food," Dean said a small hint of pride in his voice.

This finally caught Sam's undivided attention, "Evil food," he said with a bit of bitchface.

"Yes, I think I know exactly where to start."

"Okay, I'll bite," Sam leaned back in his chair, curious to see where this could possibly go.

"Fruitcake. You know how it's kind of like a brick… and it lasts forever? I read somewhere, this guy thinks that really there are only like, 5 or 6 of them in the world and they just keep getting passed around from person to person because no one ever eats them."

Sam sighed. "That doesn't make them evil, Dean; that just makes them inedible."

"I asked you to hear me out, dude," Dean said, mildly annoyed.

Sam sighed again, and waved for him to continue.

"Now see, I was doing some research, about these towns that right after Christmas, the whole town goes downhill. Like, bad and fast. Except… in every one of these cases, one family seems to have a pretty good year, in comparison. And look," Dean pulled out a map marked with inky circles. Sam leaned in, trying to figure out when and how Dean had done all of this research. "these are the houses where death, illness, money troubles, and just plain-out-crazy happened."

"What are the numbers for?"

Dean grinned proudly. "That is the order by date in which the bad stuff happened. Notice how it starts with the neighbors and goes out? And see," he said throwing down a few more maps, all similarly marked. "Same pattern in all these other towns. And guess what? All our central families either know or are distantly related to each other."

"It's definitely something to look into, but… fruitcake?"

"Think about it, one town a year goes to hell just after Christmas, surrounding houses that are loosely connected to the center house of the last town. It is the terrible re-gifting of evil food." Dean grinned smugly.

"And how do you propose we go about the search and destroy?" Sam's tone was resigned. He could tell it wasn't worth the fight.

~*~

"Exterminators? Seriously?" Sam shifted uncomfortably in his uniform outside the front door.

"Relax, it's the only way we get to search the attic and basement for it."

Several minutes later the men of "Bugs-B-Gone" found what was likely the culprit stashed in a box labeled "Christmas Crap."

"Ah, the joys of the holidays…" Dean grinned.

"You have the supplies?"

"Holy water, check. Salt, check. Baking soda, check. And finally, ancient Latin incantation to keep mold at bay, check!"

"I don't know where you found that thing, but if it helps, I'll never doubt your research again."

~*~

"I'm going to have nightmares about that mold for weeks…" Dean's eyes were still wide in horror as they drove away. After the Martha incident, Dean kept plastic seat covers in the trunk's arsenal for just these occasions.

"Next time, I read the Latin! I can't believe you managed to make it bigger and angrier," Sam complained.

"But admit it… who was right about the fruitcake?"

"…It was definitely evil," Sam said reluctantly.

"Of course it was. I look forward to ridding the world of evil food."

"Oh God, there's more evil food?"

"Yup and we're going to hunt it. I call it operation Deanquistion," Dean grinned widely at Sam. At Sam's complete, blinking, "wtf?" confusion, his face fell, "You know… like the Spanish inquisition?"

"And how is this like the Spanish inquisition, exactly?"

"You know… no one ever expects it?"

"Mary Poppins you don't know, but Monty Python?"

"Hey, with fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency, I'mma hunt down evil food. Personally, I think we should think about Fig Newtons… Those suckers aren't cookies. They definitely aren't cake, either. Something sinister going on there. What do you think?"

"I think Ronald McDonald is kind of creeptacular," Sam said with a frown and a shiver.

"You would…"Dean chuckled.

~*~

Thanks for reading, everyone! I can't believe how much traffic this has gotten! =) Quick notes: my brother and I always did joke about 5 or 6 fruitcakes being re-gifted around the world. Sorry if anyone likes it (that also extends to everything else I assert is evil)… It is all meant in jest. Kind of… ;D I have a few more ideas for unlikely evil, but if you have any suggestions, feel free to send 'em my way and I might write it for you. And while there is lots of unlikely evil in the world, remember, it's got to be something the boys can actually conceivably defeat. For instance, they can't hunt down hang-nails or bleach stains on your favorite t-shirt. Now, the dryer monster that steals socks? That's some evil the boys can fight!