A/N: Sorry this took so long! I had a serious case of writer's block. Chapter 4 should be out later today. I write Castiel's POV and AO3's Daisuki Rose writes Dean's POV. Also, there is some mild violence in this chapter, as well as Cas reflecting on his (extremely) dark past - heads up! ~storywriter713
Chapter 3
Castiel's POV
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Dying is a weird thing, Castiel thought. Yet living is even stranger.
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Castiel listened to the steady drip of pain medication. He examined his bandaged left hand which stung faintly. He kept trying to remember what he had experienced when he died, but couldn't. He just remembered a warm, fuzzy feeling of happiness and content. He almost sneezed, but managed to hold it back. He mentally cringed at the thought of sneezing. He'd probably go into shock from the pain. Cas looked up at all the monitors hooked up to him and saw Dean walking in. He started to smile but blanched when he saw his older brother, Lucifer, walk into his room.
"Hey, Cassie," Lucifer said, "I'm glad you're alright, little brother. I heard those kids at school can be pretty vicious." Castiel could feel his heart beating faster. He was playing nice. His family always played nice when they were livid and going to hurt him. Cas didn't want to anger him, so he just said, "Yes. I'm glad I'm safe now."
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The tenseness of the silence that ensued was palpable. Castiel watched Dean looked back and forth between him and his brother, a strange expression on his face. He looked uncomfortable, shifting his center of gravity back and forth between his feet. Lucifer watched him. The freshman could tell that his brother wanted his friend to leave.
"I… I came back to return your shirt. You left it at school," Dean announced. He held up Castiel's button-up shirt and lay it gingerly onto the counter next to Cas's bed. The walls were even whiter than the shirt.
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Castiel watched a flicker of anger in his brother's eyes, which was quickly replaced with fake amusement. "My brother's… shirt," Lucifer said, watching Dean. "Well, thank you, kid."
"Yeah, thanks, Dean." Castiel just wanted to disappear into the crisp white sheets.
"Don't thank me, just rest. You're beat up bad, man," Dean said. He smiled at Cas.
Castiel attempted to smile back. He knew he had to keep up a facade so Dean wouldn't be able to tell that it wasn't just his parents that beat him. The memories of his father strangling him came back, his throat throbbing. When he saw Lucifer's false smile, the throbbing intensified.
"I'm going to go get lunch, Castiel, alright?" Lucifer announced. The injured freshman knew that it wasn't a question – it was a threat. His brother was telling him that he was going to come back later when Dean wasn't there.
"Okay, Lucifer," Castiel replied. When Lucifer left, Castiel visibly relaxed, his head touching the pristine white pillow. He turned his head to Dean. "That was my brother."
"I know," Dean said. He walked to a chair beside Castiel and sat down. He was probably tired and wanted to leave. "I'm sorry, Cas."
"What for? You haven't done anything wrong." Why would Dean apologize for something that he didn't do? Castiel was confused, his eyebrows furrowing.
"I know. I really don't know. Don't ask me what I mean." Dean's eyes closed for a moment as he rubbed his temples. When they opened, the green never fell onto Castiel's face.
"It's okay, really," Cas said.
"No, it's not. You could have been dead forever. So, y'know, don't die, okay?" There was a slight tremor in Dean's voice, alerting Castiel that his friend was serious.
"I won't, not right now." Castiel tried to smile, but it probably looked more like a pained face. "We all die someday."
"I know." Dean paused before he started to smirk. "I guess we don't get to watch Monte Python tomorrow, huh?"
"It doesn't appear that way." Castiel felt horrible for ruining Dean's plans. "I'm sorry that I ruined our friend date, Dean."
"I already told you, don't apologize," Dean replied. He didn't seem angry, but his tone was sharper than it was before.
"You said not to thank you, and I'm not," Castiel defended himself. Was Dean going to hit him?
"Just rest, man," Dean said, standing. "I should probably go – they might try to bring you lunch soon. I should go get my own lunch."
Saddened, Castiel said, "Okay, but you'll come back, right?"
"That's what friends do, Cas."
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Dean was gone. Castiel felt sad, lonely, and ashamed. How could he think his friend was going to hurt him? He closed his eyes. Tears oozed from under his eyelids, rolling down his face and making dark spots on the pillow. He was so stressed and scared he didn't know who he was anymore. With his parents gone, his home life would be different. His siblings would be furious at him and they would probably kill him. For good. Dean would make different friends and move on. Everyone would live their lives without him. Cas muffled a sob with his hands. He was a disgrace to his family. Who knew what they would do when they all visited him. Who knew what Lucifer would do when he came back. Who knew what they would do to Dean if he found out. A small whimper escaped him.
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"Stop crying, you little bitch."
Castiel's eyes flew open. He saw his brother in clear detail. The buzz cut short blond hair, the disgust filled light blue eyes, the almost invisible eyebrows, the ears that stuck out, the slightly pointy nose, the 5 o'clock shadow. He saw his brother's stubby fingers ball up into a fist as he brought it toward Cas's face. SMACK! The blow rattled the freshman's brain. He let out a cry of pain. Alarms blared when Lucifer hit him again, the force of his punch causing the needles to detach themselves, suction cups to pop off. His brother quickly stepped away from him. Nurses rushed in to see what happened. Lucifer had his back turned to them, winking at his little brother before donning a horrified look on his face and whirling around.
"I don't know what happened! He just tried to give me a hug and then he was crying out in pain! You have to help him!" Lucifer sobbed, gesturing wildly with his hands.
"You need to calm down, sir," a nurse said.
Castiel watched as Lucifer was led out. He could see the amusement behind his scared facade. The needles were placed back in his arm, the suction cups back on his chest. He received orders to not move if he could avoid it. He nodded weakly, his brain still spinning from the blows. He was surprised when Dean rushed in, pushing past the nurses.
"Cas! Cas, are you okay?" Dean demanded, resisting the arms trying to lead him outside of the room.
"Sir, you are not allowed in here for the next twelve hours. Only family members and significant others are allowed," a nurse, the same one that ushered Lucifer out, said.
Castiel was confused. If family members were allowed, why did they make Lucifer leave? He realized that it was because his brother was making sporadic movements and yelling very loudly. He didn't want his brother to come back again. He couldn't take anymore pain. Before he realized what he was saying, he blurted, "Dean is my boyfriend."
"He is?"
Castiel nodded. His blue eyed met Dean's, pleading for him to just go along with it. Dean nodded. "I am." The nurse holding the sophomore's arm let go. The blond rushed over to the brunette. "Are you okay, babe?" he demanded, grabbing Cas's unbandaged hand.
Castiel shook his head. He was not okay. Dean's thumbed traced comforting circles on the back of his hand while the nurses left, some glaring at them. Once the last nurse had drawn the curtains and closed the door, the sophomore removed his hand from the freshman's. "I guess we're pretend boyfriends now," Dean said, smirking, his cheeks slightly pink.
"I'm sorry, Dean, it just came out. I didn't mean to -"
"Buddy, you need to stop apologizing. I just want to know the truth. Is Lucifer and your other family members hitting you, too?" Dean asked softly.
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"Don't ask me that," Castiel ordered.
"I just want to know the truth. I want to help you," Dean said.
"You want the truth? Fine, I'll tell you the truth. The truth is that it all started before I was even born. I was supposed to be a triplet, but instead I murdered the other two in the womb. The truth is that all my life I have been beaten. The truth is that I deserve everything that has happened to me because I killed two people when I was a baby. In elementary school, I was bullied. I deserved that. In middle school, I was sexually harassed by my friend. I told him I was homosexual, and guess what? He wanted to make me pay. The truth is I thought that I deserved everything that he did to me. I made weak attempts to stop it even though I didn't like or want it. My parents weren't happy, my siblings weren't happy, I wasn't happy, so why not let somebody be happy? Why not Caleb? I didn't try to stop it, even egged it on at times. I was being hurt at home and at school. I deserved it. I let it happen. I let Caleb do those things. I let myself be pinned to a wall and kissed. I let Caleb have his pictures. I knew I would eventually tell someone, so I asked for pictures back. I would use them as blackmail if I had to to get it to stop. I let my family beat me up.
"I attempted suicide five times in that one month I was being sexually harassed. Five times. I tried to overdose, but I didn't take enough pills. I pushed a push pin into my temple, but it didn't go in far enough. I tried to slice my wrists open, but I was hurting too badly from the beatings. I tried to slam my head hard enough against a desk but I was too weak. I tried to drown myself in the bathtub, but I didn't get enough water in my lungs. At school we were building small wooden boats. There were drills I contemplated using. Somebody who didn't hate me, William, knew. I think he could tell. I wouldn't let myself feel. I gave myself bruises to keep myself from caving into Caleb's constant demands for sex, to keep myself from letting him touch me. He broke me, though. Eventually I said yes to stop him from asking. I never went through with it, though. I just couldn't. My emotions built up inside of me, but I always held them back. After the pictures he called me a bitch and threatened me. My emotions finally won the battle and burst out in the form of tears. I cried so much that day and told a teacher, who told my family. They didn't care, though. They just beat me up for not giving Caleb what he wanted.
"My family beat me up for every little thing. All of them. Every single one of my brothers. Both of my parents. Whether it was because I missed a point on a test, because I spilled something, or just because they were having a bad day, they would always hit me or punch me or kick me or push me. I never told them that I am homosexual. They would have killed me. So instead I got a knife and cut crosses into my thighs every night. I cut crosses into my flesh to remind myself why I couldn't tell them. I had to wear that trench coat whenever I left the house to cover up the bruises. They didn't want anybody to find out, because they would've gotten into trouble. They told me they would kill me if I ever told someone. Well, they found out, as you know, and they did kill me. I'm scared, Dean. I'm so scared of what my family is going to do to me. The alarms went off because Lucifer punched me hard enough to knock all the wires lose. I'm scared, Dean. I don't want to go back to my family. But if I don't, they will find me and they will kill me."
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By the end of his monologue, Castiel was crying. Hard. His sobbing rattled his broken ribs, causing him to cry more. That was the first time he had ever told anyone what had been happening to him his entire life. He felt ashamed. What he had said was true: he had let all of those things happen to him. He could've stopped it by telling someone sooner. He could've had a happy life. Instead he let everything happen to him because he was homosexual. Through his tears, he looked at his friend. He trusted Dean for some strange reason, even though they had only just met. His tears made his vision too blurry to tell, but he thought he saw the sophomore wiping tears off his face. He watched the blurred form of Dean move toward him. He felt Dean's warm arms gently pulling him into a hug. That made him cry more, knowing that he had finally found someone who cared, someone he could feel safe around.
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"You didn't deserve… any of what happened to you, Cas. You are not a murderer. There's nothing wrong with being gay. You didn't deserve getting beaten up by your family, or being harassed by that boy. You deserve so much better than that, Cas." Castiel cried harder, clutching his friend to him. "You shouldn't have tried to kill yourself, you shouldn't have cut yourself. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to have a life. Don't ever let anyone, including yourself, take that away from you." Dean held Castiel in an embrace until he was done crying. The sophomore brought his chair closer to the bed and sat down, putting a comforting hand on the freshman's shoulder.
"Thank you, Dean," Castiel said, his voice hoarse from crying.
"No need to thank me, buddy, I'm just telling the truth." Dean smiled at the freshman, who hesitantly returned the gesture. They continued talking for a few hours.
"Can we still watch Monte Python? Just not tomorrow like we had planned, instead after I get discharged from here?" Castiel asked.
"Of course! Hurry up and heal, you slowpoke! Doctors and hospitals give me the creeps. Not as much as planes, but enough to make me want to leave," Dean replied, joking.
The freshman got an idea. He could tell that Dean was making a joke, so he decided to make one, too. "I'm sorry my healing rate is too slow, Dean," Castiel said with a smirk.
Dean looked at him oddly for a few seconds before he burst out laughing, removing his hand from Cas's shoulder so he could slap his knee in an attempt to over-do it. "Wow, you actually made a joke. I can not believe you just made a frigging joke, Cas!"
Castiel noticed that Dean often put his nickname, Cas, at the end of almost every sentenced that was addressed to him. He thought of another joke, one guaranteed to make his friend laugh. "I'm thinking of a word."
"What is it?" Dean asked
Castiel inwardly groaned. Dean didn't say Cas at the end of his sentence. He decided to try again. "Guess!" he insisted.
"Damn it, Cas. I hate guessing. Just tell me!" Dean demanded.
Since Dean didn't seem angry, Cas decided to give it another shot. "Guess the word."
"What's the word, Cas?"
"It is a shortened version of my name." Castiel felt proud of his joke. He beamed at Dean, waiting for his reaction. When he received nothing but a confused stare from his friend, he sighed. "Do you get it?"
"No, I don't get it." Dean frowned, trying to understand why that was a joke.
"'Cas' is the shortened version of my name, Castiel. You said 'what's the word, Cas' as in you were asking me what the word was. However, it can also be taken as you asking what the word 'Cas' is. The second one is the joke," Castiel explained.
Dean laughed. "Oh my God, I feel like such an idiot! That's really clever. I can't believe I didn't get that. You are really funny, you know that?"
Castiel practically glowed at the compliment. "Thank you, Dean. You are pretty good at telling jokes yourself… But I think I am marginally better."
Dean grinned. "I don't know about that! I have some pretty mean knock knock jokes."
Castiel frowned. "If a joke is mean, then you shouldn't tell it, because it may end up offending someone," he said.
Dean sighed. "Not mean like that, Cas. Mean as in really good."
"Oh, okay. Please, proceed."
"Knock knock." Dean smirked.
"Who's there?" Castiel was grateful he at least understood what a knock knock joke was.
"Doctor." Dean grinned.
"Doctor who?" Castiel didn't know any knock knock jokes involving doctors.
"Exactly!" Dean beamed at his joke.
Castiel cocked his head to the side. "I don't get it. Could you explain?"
"It's a reference. Haven't you seen Doctor Who?"
"I don't understand that reference. No, I have not seen Doctor Who. Is that a movie about a doctor who doesn't reveal his name so he doesn't get credit for the good deeds he does?"
"What? No! Doctor Who is only one of the most amazing TV shows in the history of TV shows! I must educate you, you poor, poor, poor uneducated boy."
"Will we watch it when we watch Monte Python?" Castiel asked.
"Yes!" Dean said. He was acting very excited.
"It's a friend date, then," Castiel said.
"It's a friend date."
