The warm Texas sun woke me and I groaned. I fell asleep in the damned chair on the deck and my body was protesting my choice of sleeping arrangements. The phone was still in my hand as I got up and attempted to stretch the myriad knots and kinks from my body before heading back inside. The message light was blinking again but I didn't pay any attention to it. The tabloids had gotten wind of our situation and early in the morning they liked to try to call to catch me off guard. Of course, I had nothing to say to them.
I felt so empty as I walked through the house looking at all the things that were inherently Mark. The house was done over in a very rustic Native American feel that lead back to his Cherokee blood and it made my heart lurch every time I walked past it. The comfort it brought me hurt more than I was willing to admit.
Everything that was Mark hurt right now. Everything.
The warring sides of me made sure nothing around me brought me any measure of comfort. Every time I sat on the couch or got in a shower, a memory of something we had done together invaded my memory to make me smile. A split second after however, the memory of the night in Kansas City would sneak in and I would see the shock on his face and hear the blonde in the bed with her perfect body say, "who the fuck is she?" again.
Perfect fucking blonde. God the thought made me want to throw myself in front of a bus. Never in my life had I been accused of perfection. That was always Casey's department. I had however; come leaps and bounds in feeling better about myself. Until recently that is.
Mark always teased me about the way I agonized over my weight, and my height, and my looks, everything. I've never been supermodel thin. I never will be and at a whopping five foot seven my one hundred and seventy pounds was enough to send most nutritionists and personal trainers running for the hills. Granted, I'm not in bad shape. How do you live with a man like Mark and let yourself go? I'll tell you how, you don't.
My husband is in phenomenal shape. There's very little disputing that but he is also very lazy. If he doesn't have someone to keep an eye on him, he'll conveniently 'forget' to work out. That being the case I became a work out buff and my one hundred and seventy pounds were and still are solid muscle. I'm not a typical Diva though, and seeing all the women that cuddled up to Mark when I'd make my way to the bathroom in a bar or when we'd go out to eat, I really wished I was so I tried to get it.
Thinking back on it, I've got to laugh. All through my younger years I was oblivious to the typical teen angst weight issues. I did my own thing and I was fine with that. I left the debutant crap to Casey. She was good at it, she thrived on it and I was her buffer between the Cosmo brainwashing and real life.
I shook my head and looked around. I was back in the kitchen again. How the hell did that happen? I don't know but considering it just after dawn I decided breakfast was a good plan and set to rummaging around my cupboards. Nothing jumped out at me so I snagged a box of cookies and went back to my couch/nest and started flipping channels.
About half way through an episode of the Surreal Life I'd seen seven or eight times before, the phone rang and nearly sent me through the roof. The morning had been so quiet and so peaceful I'd almost forgotten how truly depressed I was. That is, until I answered the phone.
"Hello?" I chirped fairly normally.
"Hey darlin." Immediately, my oh so fragile mood shattered and the lump returned to my throat.
"Hi." I breathed and actually felt him relax a bit. "What do you want?"
"Same thing I always want baby girl. I want ya to talk to me." Mark said and his voice was shaking almost as much as mine was. That sound tore at my heart. The thought of my husband crying was so alien that just to hear it through the phone sent my brain into overdrive.
Sighing, I let my face fall into my hand and curled up into a protective ball in my blankets. "Look, I've got nothing to say to you. I saw it with my own eyes. I can't even pretend it didn't happen." I said evenly, my tone very matter-of-fact and it seemed to do something to him.
"Jesus Christ Adrian! What can I do?" He spat then took a shuddering breath. "Yell at me! Hit me! Somethin darlin!" I shook my head and choked back a sob. The pain in his voice was so thick, so raw. The wife in me begged the rest of me to put aside the trouble and comfort him but I couldn't do it.
"I…can't do this." I sobbed and curled up tighter. "I can't deal with this."
"Baby girl…please." He whispered, his tone softer. "Please don't cry. I hate it when you cry."
"Why couldn't you take off with one of your fucking groupies? Why did you have to make me love you?" I screamed. He wanted me to yell and for the first time, I felt obliged to do it.
"I…I don't want them Adrian!" He came back with equal fire. "I married you!"
"Then why are we even having this conversation? Why did I run out of a hotel in Kansas City Mark? Explain it to me!" That got his attention. All at once the sound from the other end stopped dead. For a long time I thought he'd hung up but with a little concentration I could make out ragged breathing.
"Darlin…I…can't explain myself. I was weak and stupid." He finally said but there was no power behind his voice at all. "Give me a chance to show you I'm still the man you married."
"All those nights Mark…" I cried into the phone. "All those nights I watched the fans crawl all over you I thought you were just being polite."
"Adrian…"
"No! How many others were there?" I was talking over him but this was what he wanted. He wanted my wrath I'd give it to him. He wanted to know what I was thinking? Well this was it unadulterated and uncut.
"None… I swear." He said defeated. "I swear to ya baby girl."
"Stop calling me that!" I screamed. His little pet names seemed so patronizing anymore. Once upon a time they made me feel special but no more. It grated on my nerves to hear him call me 'baby girl' because I was sure he was using it to make me break. He wanted it to remind me.
"Angel…Adrian please!" He wept and it broke my heart. "How can I prove it to ya?"
"You can't Mark." I said simply. "I feel like such a fucking idiot! All those times I thought I was special…"
"You are special…I'll take an oath on it. I don't want anyone else." I didn't have anything else to say so I just sat there and tried to get control of my breathing. I was dangerously close to hyperventilation and the last thing I needed was him thinking something had happened to me. He'd send in the cavalry faster than I could blink. "Baby…" I heard him curse before he started again. "Remember the first time you got a look at what I deal with? What'd I do? What'd I do every time?"
"I've gotta go." I managed miserably. "I've just gotta go."
"Adrian, tell me. I need to know you remember some of the good." He pressed harder. The urgency in his voice was sickening.
For half a moment I couldn't help but feel a bit of pride in that. My husband, the indomitable Undertaker was thrown off his perfect game and it was all because of me. It was all because he cared enough to drop the front for me.
"I remember god damn it." I groused and resisted the urge to throw the phone into the TV. "Now let me go. I can't talk to you right now."
"I love you." He said and hung up.
The minute I heard the line go dead I wanted to call him back. Damn it I hated the way my mind worked. Then again, maybe it wasn't my mind. My heart was the part that got me into the most trouble.
The truth was, I did think about the good. I thought about it obsessively. I had to know that I hadn't been a complete moron. I had to know I wasn't crazy to have wasted six years of my life. Suddenly, I was staring thirty in the face and what did I have to show for my life? Nothing. I had nothing at all. There were a lot of times however, when I was so sure everything I'd given up was worth it.
"Hey, it's me. I'm so hopelessly lost." I chuckled into Mark's voice mail. The guys were doing a show in Toledo and Mark had called me to see if I could meet him at a bar after the show. It was only about forty-five minutes away from my place but I had sorely underestimated my ability to follow directions. Either that or I had overestimated his ability to give them. "Call me back when you get this." Flipping shut my phone I tossed it on the seat next to me and squinted through the pouring rain to catch a glimpse of a street sign. Nothing was forthcoming.
Muffling a curse, I glanced in my rearview mirror and wrenched my car to the left. I was so late…so very late it wasn't even funny. There was a good chance I'd missed them all together but I wouldn't know until someone called me back.
Sighing heavily, I stopped at a red light and glared at my inert cell phone on the passenger seat. I REALLY needed it to ring.
Predictably, it rang as soon as the light turned green.
"Hello?" I barked and tried to cradle the cell between my ear and shoulder while still attempting to monitor the street signs.
"Where are you?" Mark was laughing and judging from the background noise he was still at the bar.
"I have absolutely no idea!" I chuckled and screamed something vicious at an SUV that cut me off. "You really need to learn to give directions man."
"Alright…hang on." He muttered and I heard the bar sounds recede. "Okay, I'm outside. What do you see?"
Sighing I turned down a side street and relayed the information from the sign. Immediately, Mark started laughing. "Make a left darlin and keep your eyes peeled."
"I'm that close eh?" I asked dryly. Mark's mirthful laughter told me exactly what I feared. Damn it.
"I'll see ya in a minute." He continued and hung up.
Grumbling I chucked my phone back into it's seat and pulled back out into traffic. I made the obligatory left and kept on until the place came into view. Yep, Mark was right. I was about a mile away.
The place was a mad house with huge bay doors rolled up to let the motorcycles roll in. Mark had talked about Headliners before. In the summer time bikers tended to frequent it because of the live music and the fact that if you were early enough, you could roll your bike right up inside.
Given the rain, I didn't expect much. Boy was I wrong. It took me nearly twenty minutes to hunt down a parking spot and another ten to persuade the drunk woman wandering around in the rain that I had not stolen her car before I could even make my way inside.
By the time I did, I looked like a drown freaking rat and my mood was firmly planted in the shitter and it didn't get any better as I walked up to my guys. Glen saw me first.
"Adrian! Where have you been girl?" He laughed and lifted a brunette off his lap to hug me. As he wrapped his big arms around me, I let my eyes glide over the rest of the boys and realized something. Every single one of them had a supermodel hanging on them.
"I was…lost." I sighed and wiped my wet hair out of my face. I couldn't take my eyes off of Mark and the ring rat that was attempting to work her way into his lap.
"Glad ya made it." Glen smiled and moved back to his seat.
"Hey baby girl." Mark said sheepishly when I made my way to him. The blonde wearing next to nothing beside him didn't miss a beat. Her hand slid its way down his chest. My eyebrow went up.
"Looks like you've been busy." I sniped. I knew it was mean and probably unfair but walking in on my boyfriend with another woman pawing at him was not the way I wanted to begin my evening.
"No, not at all." He grumbled and made to stand.
"Where ya goin Taker?" She slurred and leaned further over him.
"Remember what I told you?" Mark grumbled and pushed her back toward the chair beside his. "That seat's taken." Before she could slide back over him, he stood up and wrapped me tight against his chest. Immediately, all the anger and frustration I'd felt since I got lost in Toledo melted away.
"Who's that?" The same drunken shrillness sounded behind me. Mercifully, Mark ignored her and tipped me back, planting an earth-shattering kiss on me. "That's who you said you were waiting for?" She went on and grabbed Mark's shoulder while she spoke.
All at once, he let go of me and grabbed her hand. "I been tellin you since you invited yourself to sit with us that I was waitin on my girlfriend. Don't you dare disrespect her in front of me." He growled and I felt a surge of pride I didn't think possible. All I could do was grin stupidly and watch the drunken ring rat's mouth open and close like a fish out of water.
"But she's…" The bitch actually winced. "She's fat."
"Excuse me?" I blurted with more indignation than I actually felt and took a step toward her. Compared to her, hell yes I was fat. She looked like concentration camp survivor with breast implants. "What did you just say to me you bitch?"
Haughtily, she stepped back and crossed her arms with a swish of her hair. "What the hell did you do to pull Taker huh? Do ya give good head sweetie?"
Mark grabbed my arm and pulled me behind him before I could speak. "Hell yes she does darlin but that ain't why I'm with her." He smirked and tucked me firmly against his side. I couldn't help the grin plastered across my face as the blonde continued her dying fish routine. Her mouth just opened and closed while she blustered, reaching for something witty to say.
"Stupid fat bitch…" She finally managed and looking back on it now I can laugh. It wasn't exactly Mensa material but at the time it hurt like hell.
At that moment, I thought for sure I'd be bailing Mark out of jail. I've seen him get angry in the ring but it's nothing compared to the real thing. Slowly, he let go of my waist and stepped closer to the groupie.
"Mark, c'mon…let it go." I tried, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I don't care what she says about me."
He shook his head, a bare twitching of his neck muscles told me this wasn't going to be over so quickly. "I do." He growled, that soft Texas drawl I loved so much turning menacing enough for Glen to stand up.
"Taker…" He cautioned. "You will go to jail." Mark's face pinched as he looked over at his friend.
"I am not gonna hit her you moron." He grumbled. "She ain't worth it but no one disrespects my woman in my presence."
"C'mon Taker." She laughed and leaned in, hoisting her boob job up into his line of sight. "I'll show you what a real woman can do. I bet this one gets winded before you even get started."
Suddenly I wasn't so sure Mark wasn't going to hit her. His fists were balled up and white-knuckled at his sides as he glared at her.
"Hey…drop it. I didn't come here to fight." I said, attempting again to diffuse him. With a deep breath he turned his smoldering green gaze on me and for a split second I swear my heart stopped. There was a rage behind them briefly that would've given any one of the men at that table pause but then it was gone, replaced with a softness that made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. Damn it felt good to have him so protective of me! How many women can say someone like Mark had gone to bat for them? Who knows but at the time I felt like the only one…ever.
With a slight rising of his eyebrow he turned back to the blonde. "Apologize to her."
"What?" She blurted and gave me a harsh once over. "I don't think so."
I heard Mark take a deep breath as he stepped closer to her. She was taller than me but next to Mark she still looked like a child. "I said apologize to my girlfriend or you can leave on your ass."
"I thought you weren't gonna hit me." She snipped and planted her hands on her bony hips. Wow the little trollop was ballsy!
"I'm not…but she will." He smiled and jerked a thumb back at me. I took my cue and stepped up grinning. Then, as if the Fates had declared it my day I watched her bleary blue eyes widen in something close to recognition.
"I…know you." She gasped and glanced back toward Mark and the audience that was forming. "She…she's…"
"Which one are you goin for sweetheart?" I asked patronizingly. "The black belt or the bar?" I figured it like this, either A, I'd thrown her or her friends out of the bar I briefly bounced at or B, her boyfriend was a martial arts aficionado. I'd happily take either.
"I…saw you on TV." I nodded.
"The black belt then." A couple of years before I'd gotten a brief bit of notoriety in a K1 tournament. I was the only female Muay Thai fighter in the contest. I didn't win, but I did put a hurt on more of the men than the commentators had thought possible. I couldn't help but laugh. Ah the good old days…
Oh it was truly beautiful! The blonde, in all her bar ho finery looked like a chastised kindergartener.
"C'mon Taker…" She whined with her eyes on me but the indignation and resentment were gone from them and had been replaced by something close to fear. Good. She deserved to be afraid.
"Get out of my sight." He chuckled and waved a patronizing arm in her direction. "You didn't have a chance from the time you stepped up. I told ya."
"But…" She went on and Mark's eyes flared in my direction.
"I believe he said no." I reiterated.
Apparently my voice was less welcome than Mark's rebuking. Out of nowhere, her bleary eyes locked on me and she lunged. I'll admit it, I was caught off guard and went tumbling to the ground beneath her. Once I got my bearings however, I made good on my short-lived reputation.
"Get OFF me!" I grunted and dropped an elbow into her temple. The blonde squeaked and grabbed for her head. I wanted to hit her again. I wanted to make her bleed right then but Mark and the bouncers pulled us apart before I could try.
"She hit me!" She screamed as two large men in Headliners shirts dragged her back. "She fucking HIT me!" Every time she opened her mouth I winced. Her voice was about as charming as fingernails on a blackboard.
"Do me a favor and shut her up." I sighed and leaned on Mark. "She's giving me one hell of a headache." Immediately, he started laughing. "What?"
"I didn't really expect you to hit her baby doll." He went on chuckling but kissed my cheek. I shrugged.
"She didn't give me much choice."
"Nicely done." Glen said as he made it down to my end of the table. He was laughing too.
"She jumped on me!" I blurted and let Mark guide me into the chair he'd apparently been saving for me. Immediately I was greeted with a round of high fives and some good-natured ribbing. "So where're the drinks?" I said once everything had returned to some semblance of normalcy.
"Good God darlin, you never cease to amaze me." Mark laughed settling his tremendous bulk beside me and snaking his arm around the back of my chair.
"What? What'd I do?" I grinned and tucked my hair behind my ear in a pointedly innocent gesture. He didn't buy it. I broke out laughing as that red eyebrow elevated slowly.
"Never mind…" He muttered shaking his head and waved a hand to flag down a waitress for me.
