A moment after the book was back under the pillow, Tonks heard a loud knock at the front door. She wasn't expecting company. What if . . . It couldn't be him? But it could. Her heart beat a little faster as she got off the bed. He might have changed his mind halfway down the street. He might have come to his senses.
Just the thought, no matter how improbable, was enough to send her running out of the bedroom. She sprinted through the hall, yanked the front door open, and shouted, "I knew you'd come back!" as she threw her arms around the newcomer.
Her mother jumped. "I didn't think you were expecting me," Andromeda said, returning the embrace. "And why wouldn't I come back? Come back from where?"
"Oh. Nowhere, mother. I thought . . . Nevermind. Just . . . come in." Tonks stepped back to let her mother into the entryway. Andromeda gave a curious look as she passed and Tonks kept her gaze steady, following her mother to the kitchen.
Andromeda sat down at the small dining table, still staring at Tonks. "How are you doing, Dora?" she wondered.
Tonks did not immediately answer. Instead she busied herself with preparing two cups of tea. "I'm fine," Tonks lied. She placed a mug on the table in front of her mother. "A little surprised to see you, though. You usually let me know when you're stopping by."
"I received a message," Andromeda said, taking a sip of her tea. "I don't know from whom, but it said you might need me right now."
"Did it?" Tonks asked. She sat down at the table too and found she couldn't look at her mother. He had really left her then, hadn't he? Telling her mother she needed help . . . He wasn't going to take care of her anymore, so he had sent someone else to do it. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes and she set her cup of tea on the table so Andromeda wouldn't see her shaking hands.
"Dora . . . where is Remus?"
She knew. Somehow, her mother knew. Tonks couldn't hold back anymore and she let herself cry. "He left me," she moaned. "He didn't want a baby, and he said we should have talked about it first. He said it was a mistake to marry me. He doesn't want me anymore. I don't think he's coming back this time."
Andromeda was by her daughter's side in a second. "Well good riddance, I say. He doesn't deserve you if this is how he's going to act. Don't take him back even if he begs."
"But mum—"
"No you don't get a say in the matter!" Andromeda said. "He has done too much to this family. First he plays with your heart, then he gets your father and me tortured just to help that Potter boy, and now he leaves you while you're pregnant with is child? I don't think so. Go get your things. You're coming home with me."
Tonks knew it was useless to argue. Her mother would make her go with her either way. "Yes mum," she said, going back to her room to find a bag. She began grabbing random pieces of clothing but stopped suddenly, glancing over at the bed. Making a quick decision, she reached under Remus' pillow and took the diary. She stuffed it into her bag and resumed packing.
Entry #5: Saturday Oct. 2, 1971 – Two Days Before
I wanted to spend the day resting. It's getting rather close to the full moon and I didn't feel at all well when I woke up. My dorm mates, on the other hand, had other ideas and I apparently had no say in the matter.
I had already gone back to sleep, and planned on staying there, but James pulled my pillow out from under my head. I groaned and opened my eyes to give him the evil eye. "I was sleeping," I growled. "What do you want?"
"It's almost noon," he pointed out. "Even Sirius doesn't sleep until noon. Come watch me try out for the Quidditch team instead. You know you want to!"
What I wanted was to go back to sleep. The room was empty except for the two of us, and it would be very easy to sleep in the quiet. "You're not going to give my pillow back, are you?" I grumbled.
"Very observant," he smiled. I saw him throw my pillow to the other side of the room, and I gave up the dream of sleeping all day. "Now get dressed and come with me. Sirius and Peter are already waiting down at the pitch, and if you don't get up, I'm going to keep talking."
Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of bed. Anything to make James leave me alone. I threw on a pair of pants over my pajama bottoms, sticking with the flannel night top. I wasn't thinking about looking decent. I wasn't really thinking at all.
James decided to not question my wardrobe choice and I followed him out of the school. At this point, I didn't really remember where we were going, so I was confused when we wound up at the Quidditch pitch. Sirius waved to me from the stands and I joined him and Peter, and several other observers, on the uncomfortable benches.
"Get dressed much?" Sirius mocked.
I looked down at my clothes, only then realizing that I was outside the common room in my pajamas. "I was sleeping," I explained. "I woke up two minutes ago." Sirius laughed at me.
We sat back and watched James join the rest of the people trying out for the Quidditch team. He was definitely the youngest person in the crowd. Despite that, he seemed confident, holding his new broom with pride as he stood among his taller and much bigger competition.
When the captain called the Chasers forward, he looked at James as if he couldn't figure out why there was a first year in the group. James didn't seem to notice the captain didn't want him there. He mounted his broom all the same and raced alongside the older students.
His run was impressive, and he came in at a very close second. He seemed to hold his own throughout the entire audition, even during the passing drill. He did well, and I was sure he would get one of the Chaser positions. But at the end of tryouts, Captain Darryl did not call James forward. James' face fell. He knew he had done better than that.
"Rubbish!" Sirius shouted next to me. "That captain is a joke."
James waited until Darryl filled all the other positions before approaching him. "Captain, I know you have the final say on who gets on the team," he began, trying to be polite but coming across as arrogant. "But I know I did better than all those other Chasers you picked. Why didn't I get a spot?" I was impressed with his boldness.
"You tell him, James!" Sirius called out and I elbowed him.
Darryl made a face, ignoring Sirius. "You're good, but you're only a first year, Potter," he said simply. "I'm required to hold tryouts every year, but that doesn't mean I have to change my team. All of the players I picked were the players I picked last year. I'm not going to kick anyone off the team just because some first year came in and thinks he deserves a chance. I wouldn't even let my own brother try out. Daniel's good, but he's still a first year. You wasted your time."
"But I did better than they did!" James argued. "That's completely unfair!"
Darryl just shrugged. "I don't know what else to tell you, Potter," he said with finality. "I guess you can just try out again next year." That was the end of the conversation. The captain turned away from James and went back to his chosen team.
James walked over to the benches, looking utterly dejected. "Don't worry, mate," Sirius assured. "You'll make the team next year and that captain will regret not choosing you this time."
"Thanks," James mumbled, walking off the field. Sirius jumped up to follow him and clapped him on the shoulder. Peter and I followed as well, listening to Sirius complain loudly about Darryl. James wasn't saying much.
As we headed back up the stairs to the common room, we ran into Allie, who seemed happy to see us. Rachel was walking with her. She was less happy to see us. "I was just looking for you guys," Allie greeted. "How'd tryouts go, James?"
James didn't answer. He kept trudging up the stairs, and Allie looked to the rest of us for answers. "Darryl wouldn't let him on the team just because he's a first year," Sirius explained sadly. "He's taking it pretty hard."
"Oh, well, that's too bad," she supposed. "Better luck next year, I guess. Do you think he'll be okay?"
"I'm sure he'll bounce back," Sirius said. "I should keep him company." He smiled at her before following after James. Peter was quick behind him.
I stepped to go with them, but Allie grabbed my arm. "Oh, Remus. I don't know if you have plans right now," she started, "but Rachel and I were going out by the lake. I was wondering if you wanted to come along."
Rachel looked at me, and I wasn't sure what her frowning expression meant. "Uh, sure," I agreed, though I didn't think Rachel was entirely keen on inviting me.
Allie was happy with my answer even if Rachel wasn't, and all three of us started down the stairs. Rachel made sure she trailed slightly behind. "Remus?" Allie asked after a moment. "I feel I have to ask—why are you in your pajamas?"
Again I glanced down at my wardrobe. To my surprise, I was still wearing my long–sleeved flannel top and my pajama bottoms were visible from under my jeans. "I was sleeping," I said, not sure how I could assume my outfit had changed.
"And what?" Rachel questioned, deciding my humiliation was reason enough for her to pay attention. "Did someone magically transport you out of bed? Or were you just too lazy to actually get dressed this morning?" I wasn't sure what I had done to provoke the hostile way she was talking to me, and I stopped short.
"What was that for, Rachel?" Allie wondered, coming to my defense. "It's just pajamas. Maybe he wanted to be comfortable."
I nodded. "Yeah, that could be it. Or maybe James made me get up and told me I had to get dressed right then and there," I added. "I got confused so I put my pants on over my pants and went outside. I was already at the Quidditch pitch when I realized I was still in my pajamas."
Allie giggled.
"In other words, he was too lazy to get dressed," Rachel pointed out. She gave me a mean look. I'm beginning to get the feeling that Rachel doesn't like me. "He could have at least taken a shower or something."
I had taken a shower before I had gone to bed, so I wasn't entirely sure what she was implying. Did I smell? "Rachel!" Allie scolded. "Why are you being so rude?"
Rachel sighed heavily. "I just don't want someone like him hanging out with us," she said, and it seemed like she was itching to get away from me. She kept shooting anxious glances down the hallway, and she wouldn't look me in the eye.
"What's that supposed to mean, 'someone like him'?" Allie questioned suspiciously. It felt strange to be standing in the middle of their argument and I took a step back. "Do you mean a half–blood? Because Remus has the exact same bloodline as I do. Do you mean a Gryffindor? I'm a Gryffindor, too, in case you didn't notice. And if you mean he's a boy, then why is it that Shawn is allowed to hang out with us all the time? Or is Shawn okay because he also happens to be another pureblood in Slytherin? What did you mean, Rachel?"
"None of the above," Rachel spat back, shooting me a glare. If that was the case, I had a sinking feeling that I knew exactly what part of me had offended her. I wasn't entirely certain how she could have discovered that part of me, but it was the only logical conclusion. "I need to go," she muttered. "Have fun with him, Allie."
Rachel turned down the nearest hallway and left Allie standing with me, confused. "I'm so sorry about that, Remus," Allie apologized. "I have no idea what set that off."
I shrugged, even though it was obvious to me what had set Rachel off. I felt it was okay if Allie didn't know Rachel's shallow–minded reasoning. "It's fine," I assured, and it was fine. I had gotten used to far worse reactions than avoidance. "If Rachel doesn't like me, she doesn't like me. It's not that big a deal."
Allie smiled a reluctantly happy smile and we continued walking towards the large double doors. "Just so you know, you don't smell bad or anything," Allie clarified. "I don't know why Rachel would say that. I'm really sorry."
"Stop apologizing. You didn't say anything," I countered.
Allie sighed. "I know. I just wanted my new friend to get along with my other friends," she admitted. I tried not to dwell on the fact that she had called me 'friend.' "Maybe it's Rachel I can't mix with anyone else."
"Does she have this type of problem with everybody?" I asked. If Rachel acted this way on a regular basis, maybe she wasn't being prejudice to my condition. It was possible she was just being mean, and I had nothing to worry about.
She pondered that for a moment. "It's possible," Allie said with a grin. "I mean, Rachel is still mad at Molly. And she claimed to have a bunch of homework when I wanted to introduce her to Kate . . . It's definitely Rachel."
I smiled, appreciating what she was saying whether it was true or not. We made our way outside and Allie led me along the shore of the lake until we found a tree right near the edge of the water. The sun that had been out during tryouts had fallen behind clouds and it was colder than it had been earlier. I was actually happy to be outside in the warm flannel night shirt.
I thought we were going to sit down, but Allie had other ideas. Without a word, she grabbed onto a lower branch and hoisted herself up into the tree. Once she was up, she glanced back at me, wondering why I wasn't right behind her. "This isn't the Whomping Willow," she told me with a grin. "It won't hurt you."
Being the only student at Hogwarts who has been close enough to the willow tree to know how dangerous it actually is, I couldn't help but laugh. "What's so funny?" Allie wondered, giving me a strange look.
"This feels like a dream," I explained, not technically lying, but not really answering her question. "I'm climbing a tree next to a lake with a giant squid in it, and I'm in my pajamas."
"At least you're not in your underwear." She giggled and gestured for me to climb up. I obeyed and she made room for me by moving to a branch that hung out over the water. Allie sat down and dangled her feet over the lake with a smile on her face. I could tell she had done this before. "Isn't it pretty up here?" she asked me, staring down at the water.
I only had a view of the solid ground below me, but that was fine by me. I didn't want to get wet if I ended up falling. "It's quiet," I said. "I like it. Do you hide in this tree very often?"
"I wouldn't call it hiding," she answered. "But I spend a lot of time thinking, and it's not even about important stuff. I just think, you know? Things like, 'can wizards talk if they're in an animagus form?' or 'where do chocolate frogs go when they escape?' Random things like that." She gave me a smile. "Do you want to know what I think about the most while I'm up here?"
It made me feel somewhat important that she was sharing this with me. "What do you think about the most?" I prompted, knowing she wanted to tell me.
"Jumping in," she declared. Her eyes were focused back on the lake. "I don't know if I would get in trouble or not. Do you think jumping in the lake is against the rules?"
I shook my head. "Dumbledore would have said something when school started if it was against the rules," I tried. "But I don't know if you should—"
Allie clearly wasn't listening anymore. The expression on her face was clear, as if my telling her it was okay to jump in the lake was all the incentive she needed. Before I could finish my sentence, she glanced at me and leapt into the water with a yelp. I scrambled over to the branch she had jumped from and watched the ripples she made until her head popped back up. She looked completely exhilarated.
"Why did you do that?" I called down to her.
She spit water out of her mouth, treading water. "Why don't you?" she wondered back to me, as if I was the one being crazy.
I had to think for a moment, trying to figure out exactly why I didn't want to get in the water. Wasn't the fact that it was a dirty lake enough? "Because I'll get wet," I said, deciding that was the real reason.
"Besides that!"
That had been a pretty good reason to me. I came up with a few more excuses, but she wouldn't hear them. I told her it was too cold, and she said, "The sun will come back out." I told her I was still in my pajamas, and she told me, "You need to get dressed anyway!" I had a feeling that she would think of something to counter every excuse I gave, so I decided I couldn't argue anymore. Allie swam out of the way and I jumped in after her, not landing nearly as elegantly as she had.
It just added to the surreal feeling. I had climbed a tree in my pajamas only to jump out of said tree into a lake with a very visible giant squid. I saw a tentacle wave to me when I surfaced again. "I have no idea why I just did that," I said, realizing how cold the water actually was. I could feel my soaked clothing starting to weigh me down.
"Why? Do you regret it?" Allie wondered, swimming up next to me. Either she wasn't fazed by the cold water, or she was really good at hiding it.
"Not as much as I thought I would," I answered, treading water. "My pajamas are kind of heavy to swim in . . ."
Allie smiled. Her lips were turning blue. "I'm glad you jumped," she told me, and then I could tell she was trying to hide her chattering teeth. "But you were r–right earlier. It's really cold out here. W–we should go inside and change."
I followed her out of the water and we dripped on the grass for a while. We were still soaking when we finally got back into the castle, and I was worried one of the teachers would stop us. But we made it back to Gryffindor tower without notice. The only hint we had been there was the long trail of water we had left from the front doors to the portrait of the Fat Lady.
When we entered the common room, Allie camped out by the fire to warm up and I headed upstairs to the dormitories, wanting out of the wet clothes as soon as possible. James and Sirius were sitting together on Sirius' bed, and James had a Quidditch book on his lap. They both stared at me as I entered the room, as if it were peculiar for me to come back soaking wet. "All right, Remus?" James asked with a funny look on his face.
"Are you . . . wet?" Sirius went on, tilting his head. He got up from the bed and grabbed my shirt to check. "You are wet. What the hell?"
"I jumped in the lake," I said simply, sidestepping Sirius to get to my trunk. I rummaged around until I found a new, more day–appropriate outfit and proceeded to change while James and Sirius continued to stare.
"What'd you do that for?" James wanted to know. "You do realize there's a giant squid in that lake, right?"
I shrugged, pulling on my shirt. "I'm not sure how Allie got me to do it," I admitted. "One second we were up in a tree, and the next she had jumped into the water and was talking me into jumping, too."
"I guess she succeeded," Sirius reasoned with a laugh. I threw my soggy clothes in the hamper by the door and fell into my bed, ready to relax again. Sirius wasn't done talking, though, and he sat down near my feet. "What's with you and her, anyway? All of a sudden you want to go jump in lakes with Allison Bond rather than console our poor grieving James about his Quidditch crisis. He's in real pain."
"Sirius, you're just jealous because he's talking to the one girl in our house who won't talk to you," James said. He didn't seem too broken up about what had happened earlier.
"No, I just want to know," Sirius insisted. "I mean, he's been spending as much time with her as he spends with us. Do you like her or something, Remus?"
James looked up from his book, realizing he was curious about that, too.
I gave them both blank stares. Why would they automatically think that? "No," I replied, bewildered. "Isn't it possible that she's my friend? And isn't it possible that I want to spend time with her simply because she's my friend? Does it have to be that I like her?"
"Me thinks thou doth protest too much," Sirius mocked. "It would have been more believable to stick with 'no.' I guess now I understand why you wouldn't introduce me to her before."
I sighed. If I said anything more at this point, it would only be 'protesting too much' and I didn't want to give either of them the satisfaction. I kicked a sniggering Sirius off my bed and closed the curtains. I needed to sleep.
Entry #6: Wednesday Oct. 6, 1971 – Two Days After
Yesterday, I missed all of my classes because Madam Pomfrey wouldn't let me leave the Hospital Wing. I had planned on making it in time for at least Astronomy, but the nurse wouldn't hear it. It may have had something to do with the fact that, while transformed, I tore open a muscle in my right shoulder, but I'm going to assume it was because Madam Pomfrey is too overprotective.
Several of my teachers were kind enough to give me the schoolwork after I got out of the Hospital Wing, and I had to spend all of last night making up missing work. Luckily, James and Sirius believed my 'I got sick' story again, and were willing to go over their notes with me. I was hesitant at first, but it looked like they had actually paid attention while I was gone and I was able to copy down some decent information.
It was a lot of effort, considering I had to finish homework on top of all the missing class work. I was so exhausted when I finally went to bed that I was out cold the instant I was lying down. If this is going to happen every time I miss my classes, I am not looking forward to the next full moon. Not that I was really looking forward to it in the first place.
My shoulder still hurt when I woke up this morning. I could hardly lift my arm, but I had already missed enough class time and refused to miss any more just because I was sore. I forced myself out of bed and went about my normal routine, barely making it through the morning by using my left hand for everything.
The stiffness made Sirius suspicious, I think. He wanted to know why I looked so awkward brushing my teeth, and then he realized it was because I was doing it left handed. "You know that would be easier if you used your other hand, right?" he suggested. I couldn't tell if he was trying to be helpful, or condescending. "You are right handed."
"Yes, but I think I would rather like being ambidextrous," I replied quickly.
Sirius raised his eyebrows and watched me for another moment as I spat in the sink. Then James came out of his stall and Sirius decided James was more worth his time than observing my brushing habits.
While I could manage to brush my teeth with my left hand, writing with it was an entirely different matter. It ended up looking like a chicken that stepped in ink had walked across my parchment, and even I couldn't read what I had written. Using my right hand didn't fare much better, considering I couldn't actually hold the quill with that hand, but words actually appeared on the paper when I managed to keep my grip.
Allie was sitting next to me, as she has done for several days now, and she could tell I was struggling. "Are you not feeling very well, Remus?" she wondered after I had dropped my quill for the third time.
I tried to pick the quill back up. "I'm a little tired," I mumbled.
"Are you sure that's it?" Allie asked. "You look worse than tired. I mean, I hate to say you look terrible but . . ."
I nodded. "But I look terrible," I finished for her. It wasn't that shocking to hear. Even with Madam Pomfrey's amazing care, I still manage to look like death warmed over after every full moon. Admittedly with less visible scars.
"Yeah," she laughed. "Not to be mean, or anything. It just seems like you've been sick. I noticed you weren't in class yesterday. I was worried."
I tried to keep my face impassive. Sick didn't even begin to cover it, but I couldn't let anyone know how sick I actually was. "I guess it could be a cold," I allowed, attempting to write again. My shoulder burned at the effort, but I needed to put on a bold face if I wanted to keep up appearances.
"Well, I hope you start to feel better soon," she said. "I mean, I heard you were sick last month, too. You'd better hope it's not something serious. Or contagious. Because I need my study buddy. And I don't want to get sick."
I paused. Was she already starting to figure out a pattern? I was counting on "being sick" for a few more months before having to come up with a different excuse. Would she start theorizing if I got "sick" again next month? If Allie pays any attention at all to the moon, she could relate this "illness" to the moon phases and piece everything together . . .
The pause made her think I was having trouble writing again and she looked at me with a sad expression. "Is it hard for you to take notes?" she asked, concerned. "Maybe it's more than a cold if it hurts you to write."
I wasn't sure what to say. Would a cold make it hard to write? "I guess I'm just tired," I said. "I'm having a little trouble concentrating. What did Flitwick just say?"
She frowned and looked at her paper, deciding something. "Why don't you just relax today, Remus?" Allie said. "You can copy down my notes later, when you're feeling better, if you like." It sounded like a suggestion, but she took the quill from my hand and pushed my parchment away from me. "I want you to feel better."
Allie refocused on taking notes and, with my writing tools gone, I couldn't help staring at her. She was so amazingly kind to me, and I still had no idea why she even talked to me to begin with. Actually, I wasn't sure why any of them, Allie or James or any of my other house mates, talked to me. I had expected them all to act like Rachel and treat me like I was diseased . . . which I kind of am.
Allie spent the rest of the day taking very extensive notes, to make sure I would have the right information. It was a bit boring, because I didn't have anything to do except listen to the teacher and ignore the bits of parchment Sirius and James were flicking at my head. They were rather persistent about it, and my morning classes were littered with paper where I had been sitting. I doubted they wanted anything important.
They finally got the attention they had been craving from me when I sat with the two of them at lunch. "Why have you been ignoring us all morning?" James wondered. He did his best to appear hurt, and Sirius was eyeing my arm with a funny look.
"You were throwing paper at my head," I argued.
"Important paper," Sirius defended. I was using a fork with my left hand, and he seemed to find that very odd. "They were notes, and you didn't read any of them."
"I thought you were just trying to be obnoxious," I said. They both gave me a look, as if asking 'would we really do something like that?' and the answer to that is, yes, they would. But I didn't say that.
"That too," James smiled. "But you look slightly dead today and we wanted to know if you were okay."
"Plus, we saw that Allison Bond was working with you again," Sirius added. "She works with you all the bloody time, lately, doesn't she?"
James shook his head. "Sirius noticed that," he clarified. "You still sick or something?"
I shrugged my left shoulder, which Sirius took note of. James didn't appear to realize my other shoulder was in such bad shape. "I think I'm just tired because I was sick," I said, using my default excuse. It had worked so far.
"You know, Remus, we can't keep doing things like this for you," Sirius went on, clapping my shoulder. I'm positive he did it solely to see how I reacted. It made my arm go numb, but I kept the hurt off my face. "But James and I are decent people. We saw you weren't taking notes in class, and I don't know how often we can catch you up like this, but we are happy to help out a friend. After classes, of course."
His comment made me forget about the arm I could no longer feel. They considered me a friend. When did I start having friends? "Thanks," I said. "That would be nice."
It took a moment to remember that Allie had spent all morning diligently copying down every word our teachers had said just so I could take them down later. She hates taking notes. More often than not, she has to copy my notes. I trusted her notes more than James' or Sirius' notes, but they wanted me to hang out with them later. Allie wanted me to hang out with her later. I had other kids who wanted to hang out with me later.
I decided I didn't need the help, but knew it wouldn't really hurt to have two copies of the same notes. I could do both, and I did. Allie and I met up right after classes so she could give me her notes. Then James and Sirius sat me down at a table in the common room for a session of what they have dubbed "Remedius Lessons," which are similar to actual remedial classes offered by teachers, with the added touch of degradation, I suppose.
Despite the fact that James and Sirius apparently believe me so hopeless that they have named their study sessions after me, I enjoyed the unnecessary tutoring. James and Sirius manage to make everything more interesting, even History of Magic notes on Goblin riots.
I'm not sure, but I think I actually have friends now.
