Disclaimer: Dude, are you going to make me say it again? How dense are you people? I am obviously not Stephenie, so I obviously didn't create these characters. If I was her, Juan my manservant would be giving me a massage right now and I wouldn't be sitting at this computer at 4 in the morning writing fanfic.
JACOB POV
Out of the woods stepped a vampire neither of us had seen before. He was tall, yet short, was extremely thin, but round somehow, and had reddish-blondish-brown hair. His pants were also incredibly tight, leaving me with the distinct image of a granite moose knuckle. I shook my head to clear that image.
Our visitor strode up to us as fast as his tight trousers would allow and surveyed the situation. "I believe you may be in need of my services. I bring people back to life after they're dead. And I can tell if you wear boxers or briefs."
I couldn't help but mumble under my breath, "You obviously aren't a boxer guy."
Carlisle looked confused. "But how can you restore someone's life if you've sucked them dry?"
New vampire guy looked sheepish. "Well, it doesn't work with people who die of vampire attacks. Or people who've had heart attacks. Or gunshot wounds. Or car accidents for that matter. Actually, my power only works on people who die of wounds inflicted by rabid chinchillas."
I was beginning to hate again. The love of my life was dead and we were talking about rodents. "What did you say your name was?"
"I'm Joe. My girlfriend is Ashley. Her sister is Amy. Amy went to high school with Scott's sister Tara. Tara was, like, totally in love with Emmett back in the day and tried to steal him away from Rosalie but she ripped her right arm off for even thinking about it. I'm sure you've heard of her in previous tales, Tara the boyfriend stealing tripod."
"Uh, actually no. I don't remember them. It sounds to me like you just made them up out of thin air and stuck them in our story. So can you fix Bella or not?"
"Who's Bella?"
I began screaming irrationally. "AAAAAHHHHHH! I am an angry werewolf! GGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
Carlisle interjected calmly, "Bella is the dead girl laying here. Can you do anything for her? I would begin cardiopulmonary resuscitation but I..."
"SHUT UP DR. FANG!"
"Well. I never. That is awfully rude for someone so young. Your energy field is…"
"SHUT UP!"
All the ruckus must have drawn Billy's attention, because I noticed him wheeling our way. "What is going on here? Bella looks like she's in rough shape. Hmm, well it seems you all have it under control. Now where did I put that cookie?" He wheeled himself back to the house.
Joe looked at Bella, pondering. "Well I guess I can try. I've only tried once to bring someone back who hasn't been bitten by a chinchilla. There was a bit of a strange side effect. I'm sure it won't happen again though."
"WELL THEN DO IT ALREADY! GRRRRR!"
Joe appeared thoughtful for a moment and then leaned over Bella. He reached down, grabbed the waistband of her pants and started tugging and twisting.
"What are you doing to her?! Leave her pants alone you sick pervert!"
Joe was unruffled. "I'm centering her jeans. You know, her life force."
"JEANS?! Don't you mean chi?! ARRRR! I'm an angrier werewolf!" Inexplicably, I began running and throwing things, because that's what I do. I overreact. Always.
Carlisle, however, began to look excited. "Its working. I can hear her heart starting again! Keep it up!"
Just after Joe gave her pants one last tug, Bella began to stir.
Joe looked at us warily, the apprehension clear in his eyes. "I think we might have a bit of a problem. That side effect that I didn't think would happen...well I'm pretty sure it did. Bella will now be instantly impregnated by the next person who tackles her."
With that Bella sat up.
BELLA POV
"Ow." My head was throbbing and I felt dizzy. "What happened? Jacob? Carlisle?" It was coming back to me in flashes. Edward left. Then I think I saw Carlisle disapparate. My hormones were still raging. I needed a man so I drove here. It seemed so simple. Why does my stomach feel funny?
Jacob was jumping up and down, laughing and crying hysterically. "Bella, you're alive! Now we can be together forever, or at least until I imprint on someone else! Hurray for us!"
"Sorry Jake. You're out of luck. I still love Edward. I just wanted you for your man bits."
"I hate everything again! GRRRR!" With that Jacob took off running toward the woods.
I looked around for Carlisle but didn't see him. I called out, "Carlisle?" No response. Damn, he must have disappeared again. Why does he keep doing that? Oh well. I think I'll head to the Cullen's place to see if I can find my sexy Eddiekins. I didn't notice a pale figure hidden in the shadows watching me as I drove away.
JOE POV
I watched Bella climb into her truck knowing that she would soon be pregnant. I wanted it to be mine. She must be mine. I needed to formulate an exceedingly simple plan to kidnap her, which her future seeing sister totally won't see coming at all. Its foolproof!
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A/N: Next chapter, on to Cullen cliches. It was really fun to write!
