CHAPTER THREE: RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE

I kept running after the strange looking creature that called himself Wembly Fraggle. You know, at first when I decided to take a trip into the woods with my pals, I never expected to come across random fury talking puppets that looked to be alive. I had to have been hallucinating on something. Maybe one of the beers had LSD in it or something. Maybe I decided to eat a mushroom on the side of the road on the way back to the cabin. The bottom line is that this isn't normal and would never happen in real life no matter how many times some dumb twink from New York will tell you otherwise.

I ran after this random looking creature for what seemed like fifty seconds until I reached what looked to be some kind of weird cave. And standing at the entrance was Wembly himself, with a stupid fucking grin.

"Wembly, what the fuck did you drag me to?" I asked him, not in the mood to play a stupid little game of tag with some random looking animal. Wembly still kept that dumb grin on his face despite my voice being as stern as I could possibly make it without sounding intimidating.

"I told you, Jeff!" Wembly shouted cheerily. "I told you that I was taking you to a safe place!"

"I thought you said you were taking me to the greatest place on earth." I told him, getting in his face a little bit. "This place smells like it's inhabited by stupid Indians."

Thank Christ that Wembly didn't know that I was being extremely racist against Indian people. I mean, I didn't hate them or anything, it's just that I didn't care for them. I didn't want to be viewed as anything like that Santa Claus looking guy from the convenient store that we stopped at before we went to our cabin. I swear that the motherfucker told us that his rifle was for...well...the guy said the "n" word in a blunt manner. He didn't say it like a gangster would to his boy, but he said it like a Southern man said it to a black man in the 1930s.

"Jeff, don't be sour." Wembly said, obviously not intimidated by me whatsoever. "Fraggle Rock is the greatest place on earth!" He then ran into the cave, I guess he was expecting me to follow him in, so I did, albeit slowly and not like a guy on speed like this yellow fuck was.

As I walked inside, I began to look around at the obscene and just outright weird sight. The cave looked to be lighting with a purple aura inside, and of course, there were hundreds of these fucking fraggle thingies running around just being gay and retarded. I could see that there were some that were just eating radishes like they were nothing. I fucking hate radishes. Every time I saw a radish, I would pick it up and throw it at a random Indian that I saw on the street. Also, to my left, I saw what looked to be a black man, wearing glasses but I could totally tell that he had a lazy eye and a slack jaw, which lead me to believe that he was retarded and still lived with his mother despite being forty five years old. I mean, yeah I relied on my parents for a lot of things, but never was I planning to live with them past fucking twenty five. I almost felt bad for the guy though, these fucking weird fuck fraggles were throwing radishes at the man for no reason, but after hearing the guy talk and what he said and how he said it, I was glad that he was getting stoned to death by radishes.

"Y-y-y-y-y-you fraggle bitch!" the man shouted at them in what sounded like the least serious way possible because of the fucking stutter that made me cringe and hate life. "W-w-w-w-w-w-what did I do wrong, you racist honkeys?!"

One of the fraggles prepared for his throw, but before throwing at his face, he said. "For the last time, you dumb old man," it shouted. "Nobody cares about your stupid updates on some girl named Sunny!" the fraggle then threw the radish at the black man, this time it hit his lazy eye in which the impact was so hard that it caused the eye to explode. Blood splattered around him and hit the cave walls like fruit punch. The fraggles cheered like crazy once they saw that the old man was dead.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?!" I shouted, pretending to care when in reality I didn't at all. I was just some guy who just lost his fucking friends to some skin virus and now I'm watching some stupid black man get executed with radishes. How the fuck did I go from that? I started regretting abandoning my friends more and more. I wish that dog that killed Marcy killed me also, better yet, I was beginning to wish that Sean successfully raped Marcy and I wasn't there to save her. That way I wouldn't mend our relationship and I wouldn't be convinced to go to some stupid cabin where everybody got infected.

Wembly walked up to me and smiled. "You don't care for that man." he said cheerily. I could tell he was being sarcastic, but I didn't care. "I will take you to our leader, though. He will explain everything and what we are all about."

The little asshole began walking down some random isle and like a retarded robot I decided to follow, all slumped with my hands in my jacket pockets. I really didn't want to be here right now. I didn't care if these people were unknowingly hiding me from the cops, I just couldn't stand being around these fucking people any longer. Stoning black men, eating radishes and just being straight up fucking retarded. I couldn't fucking take it. I wanted to die and be with Marcy and have sex with her in the afterlife.

I stopped walking when Wembly stopped walking. Yeah, what a dumb fucking thing to say. I know, but how the fuck else am I supposed to describe two guys who stop moving when they get to a fucking destination? Whatever. So yeah, I looked up and saw that there was some kind of weird throne and sitting in it was obviously a living creature, but this creature was not a fraggle. No...this person was...

"Buzz Lightyear...?" The fuck was going on here? Why the shit is there some random guy dressed up as a fake astronaut from a Disney movie about toys coming to life? "No...it can't be...you ain't real..."

The man in the all familiar green and white space suit, with buttons that show off his gadgets, not to mention that purple thing on his head that showed he was in some jump suit, stood up slowly and looked down at me, and gave me a light glare that I remember seeing in his first scene in the first Toy Story movie.

"So..." the man spoke. "We have a visitor?" the man spoke in the same voice that Tim Allen used to voice Buzz. What the fuck is going on here?

Buzz walked down the steps slowly, as if he was some god that everybody worshiped, and that definitely showed when all the fraggles got down on one knee and took a bow. Wembly instructed me to do so, but I shoved the little shit down to the ground.

"I ain't bowing to nobody." I scoffed at him. Then in an instant, all the fraggles looked up at me and gasped. They all stared at me like I took a shit in the middle of the streets.

The fraggles all looked at me with serious death threatening angry faces. They all aimed their radishes at me and got ready to throw them.

"Wait!" Buzz shouted in a god like tone. But it was too late, I was pelted with radishes for like two seconds by those stupid fucking creatures. Eating radishes was one thing, but getting pegged by them was where I drew the line. Before I could do anything however, Wembly got up and swung a radish at me, and it hit me right in the gonads.

"OOOOOOOHHHH!" I cried like a sumo wrestler as I gripped at my balls and fell to the ground in pain. All the fraggles started laughing at me like I was the ugly fucking duckling and they were all sexier than me. No...I was the sexiest man alive. Otherwise, Marcy and I wouldn't fuck each other every night, even at weddings, funerals and kids parties. Yeah it's fucked up but we loved fucking each other so much.

"There was no need for any of that!" Buzz shouted at the fraggles, which caused them all to stutter in fear. Buzz then turned to Wembly, and boy did Wembly look like he would piss himself.

"Wembly, help up that man." Buzz ordered.

"Y-y-yes, milord." Wembly stuttered nervously as he slowly grabbed at my right arm and gently helped me up so I was sitting on my knees.

"Thanks for nothing." I scoffed, still obviously annoyed that I was pelted with radishes.

Buzz gave the face gesture that told the rest of the fraggles to back away, which they did. Buzz then turned his attention back to me and looked at me.

"Anyways..." he said in a serious manner. "I know why you're here..."

I looked at Buzz in a surprised way. "You...you do?" I asked, somewhat in disbelief.

"Yes." Buzz said. "I know that you took a trip to a cabin with your friends, but a hermit had contracted a flesh eating virus and passed it on to your friends. I know that you were the one who abandoned them because you were so scared of dying that you didn't realize that your friends needed you more than ever."

I mean, yeah he was right. But I learned my lesson the next day when I saw Burt's corpse. I didn't need somebody else to tell me otherwise, even if the guy turned out to be some random space ranger from a popular Disney movie from the 90s.

"Yeah, I know..." I muttered with disappointment as I held my head low. Yeah, the acting I was putting out was terrible and I knew Buzz could tell that, but he could also tell that I regretted abandoning them.

"However," Buzz said, breaking the long silence for about two minutes. "I will help you out since I know Deputy Winston is after you."

I knew that a cop had stopped by our place before we discovered that Karen caught the virus, but I never had any interaction with him. I didn't even know what he looked like. Paul was the only one who talked to the guy, and from how he described the deputy, he was just some weird hippie that wanted to party with teenagers.

Suddenly, I heard some girly scream coming from the right side of the cave. The next thing I knew, some random fat retard with curly black hair, wearing an orange shirt and cargo shorts came running onto the throne jumping around all spaz like.

"Oh no..." Buzz growled silently to himself as he placed his hand on his forehead and shook his head with disappointment.

The fat kid then grabbed a medium sized metal pole and looked as if he was getting ready to hit somebody with it. Just then, for some strange reason, an older looking Chris Jericho ran at the fat kid for whatever fucking reason. What the fuck was I looking at here? This Chris Jericho had concave tits and was wearing some douchy looking scarf. I really just wished the cops magically showed up and shot me on sight. I'd be so glad and appreciative.

The fat kid then ran at Jericho at the same time and swung at Jericho with the pole. The pole connected with Jericho's skull and caused a loud bang to be heard all throughout the cave. I could tell that the whack to the head cracked the old man's skull as the old Jericho fell to the ground seemingly dead. I looked over at Buzz, who looked to be trying to control his anger.

"George..." Buzz said in a low dangerous voice.

The kid, who I guess was named George quickly turned to face Buzz and dropped the pole. "He started it!" George cried in what had to be the gayest sounding voice for a teenage male I had ever heard. Seriously, My ears felt like they were bleeding at this point, but of course I was over exaggerating. I was still tempted to just go up to the throne and snap that fat bastard's neck.

Buzz just sighed, apparently all the anger he had just going away. "George, how can I concentrate on saving the world, when you're over here whacking future looking wrestlers with poles?"

George started pouting like a little fucking shit and walked down the throne slowly. I could imagine all the fat under his shirt jiggling with every step he took. God, this little fat fuck made me angry just as much as my uncle Bill did.

"I'm sorry, Buzz Lightyear sir." George said like a three year old who's saying sorry for stepping on somebody's foot and then trying to get away with it by being all sad about it. Buzz responded by ruffling George's hair. The fuck am I looking at right now?

"You're forgiven, kid." Buzz said with a grin on his face. "How about I lighten the mood and take everybody to Quizno's?" Are you fucking kidding me right now?

Just then, George started jumping up and down acting all giddy and was squealing like a stupid little fucking pig. Fuck my life. And if it wasn't worse, all the fraggles, inclunding Wembly started cheering and chanting, "QUIZNO'S! QUIZNO'S! TOASTY! TOASTY!"

I couldn't bare to listen to any of this anymore after a minute. "Can everyone just SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I shouted, obviously very annoyed at everything that was going on. Everybody looked over at me as I was panting heavily with anger. Buzz just responded by chuckling lightly.

"Alright, everyone." he said. "I think we should take our excitement down a notch. Jeff is obviously new to our home and is not yet suited to the way we live around here."

I looked over at Buzz and gave him a dumbfounded look. "Does anybody even go to Quizno's still?" I asked, hoping I wouldn't get some stupid obscene answer.

Buzz just started laughing halfheartedly and only calmed down a bit when he wrapped his arm around me. "Jeff my boy," he replied. "Once you go to Quizno's with us, you'll never want to leave." Of course I got an obscene answer.

Well...the more these fucking people started cheering and partying over the fact that they were going to Quizno's to eat shitty sandwiches, the more I just wanted to die. Remember when I said that I regretted abandoning my friends to get away from the cabin? Well, this is the reason why I regret it deeply.