Hermione sat contentedly in the library, reading a book almost as large as she was and simply enjoying the smell of ancient books washing over her. She sighed; a thought popped into her over-sized head—where was Ron? They had a tough Transfiguration test tomorrow, and he had promised that he would meet her in the library for a review session—his grades were slipping, as usual. But what they knew and the whole of Hogwarts knew was that they intended the meeting for arguing, which for some strange reason turned them on. They'd been going at it for months now—fighting and then snogging in dark corners. And since Hermione was now recognized to be a babe, a cult of personality formed after Ron, making countless young wizards (including both Fred and George Weasley) insult pretty girls and then try to snog them. But it never worked with other couples, only with Ron and Hermione, which made her seem even sexier and Ron seem like even more of a stud. Go figure.
Just then, she felt something tug at her hair and jumped to see a familiar freckled face beaming at her.
"Whas Crackulatin?" he asked.
"What?"
"You know, whas poppin? Wazzup?"
She finally got a good look at him, "Um, Ron, dear, what happened to your clothes?"
"My old school threads were so janky, ya know. I got hooked up with some new ones."
She shook her head, completely bewildered, "Ron, could you please translate? We're in England now. Speak British for Heaven's sake!"
"Remember what I told you? Me 'n Harry's in a band now! It's gonna be off the heezy fo sheezy!"
"Ron, just because you're in a band, the laws of grammar still apply to you!"
"You know what? I thought we was really gellin', but I guess I was wrong. Now that I'm in a band, biznitches will be lining up to freak with me! Catch ya later, g!"
And with that, Ron Weasley stormed out of the library, ready to get his mack on with anything with boobs. Hermione would have been upset, but Ron's behavior was just too funny. She let out uncontrollable guffaws, falling to the cold stone library floor. Besides, she was hot; she could get a new snog partner faster than you could say 'jiggy.'
Normally, Saturdays were Harry's favorite days. However, at 5 o'clock in the morning, bleary-eyed and tousle-haired, standing between Draco and Neville in the ballroom of the Hogsmeade Arms Hotel, Harry had discovered a fresh new hell—band practice. He thought that being in a band would be all promotions, photo shoots, and commercials. He didn't know it would include dancing! And he had just found out that he would actually have to sing on the album.
The choreographer, Nina Von Struddle, was proving to be quite a nazi. She made them do the same sequence repeatedly, since the only person who was actually getting the dance down was Draco, who had, as Nina said, the perfect ballerina body.
"And von and two and tree and…" she said, rapping her cane on the floor, "Vor
Heaven sake, vy can't vu do ze routine?"
She made Ron do pirouettes across the room, making him look to Harry like a redheaded dying gazelle fleeing from a hunter. When Harry sniggered at the plight of his friend, Nina made him do twice as many pirouettes.
After a painful struggle, Nina gave up, deciding that their first single should be a heartfelt ballad, "Yeah Girl," in which they would be able to sit on tall stools and sing. Throwing her arms down in frustration and muttering German obscenities under her breath, she called the voice coach in, who distributed music to the members.
"Yeah Girl,
I want you bad girl
None of the other girls has what you got
Cause girl, you're just so hot…"
At best the song was poorly executed formula pop; at worst, the song was, well, as Ron would say, shiznit. The spoiled icing on the disgusting cake of "Yeah Girl" was the bridge, in which Ron was to rap.
"Girl I want you so bad
It makes me really mad
When the other homeys get their mack on
With you, hun
I ain't down wit dat, girl
Cause you're just so phat, girl
You're all that, girlYeah girl…"
I actually thought that this story wasn't as funny as my others, but I guess I was wrong. And yes, I did write the song "Yeah Girl." Maybe I can sell it to Nsync.
