A/N: Thank you for reviewing! I love them, and without them I certainly wouldn't be spending as much time writing as I do.
Chapt
She had Brigid's bear in her hands, the death certificates on the bed next to her, the envelopes spread across the bed. She knew what it would look like if she had walked in and seen it, and the sad part of it was that he wasn't entirely wrong about it either, despite her intentions. And he was angry… she had never even seen him like this. Not once. Connor just didn't lose his temper except for the most extreme of circumstances. She supposed that this was one of them.
"What are you doing in my things?" Connor asked, his voice shaking with barely suppressed rage.
Abby felt the blood drain from her face. How could she ever explain this? She had to try… he would listen to her. He always listened to her. Once he understood that she'd not meant to pry, he wouldn't be angry anymore.
"I was just…" She began.
"Just what? Invading my privacy? You had no right!" He railed.
"And put that down!" He shouted, gesturing at Brigid's bear.
He was shouting at her, he'd not even listened. She set the bear down inside the box and stood, her own anger kindling and catching fire. She was hurt… and for Abby, hurt equaled angry. Anger protected her, shielded her. He hadn't even let her explain it. Did he not know her better than that? Did he honestly think that she would go snooping into his things now after three years of living together? She had not once gone into his things, even when his things were mixed into hers. It infuriated her that he wouldn't even give her a chance to explain, even as bad as it looked. She thought he respected her more than that; she thought he knew her better.
"First off…this is my flat. I didn't know that box was yours until I had opened it." She seethed.
"And then I see you closed it right up?" He bit back, sarcasm dripping from his words.
How dare he? She had just told him she had not realized it was his things… it was an accident. Well… fuck him. She could fight dirty if that was what he wanted.
"Once again…my flat." She sniped.
"You think that little of me, eh? That it doesn't matter if you just…go through things that are private? You had no right to do it, and you know it!" He argued, his eyes narrowed and jaw set.
"I had no right?" She asked, outraged.
She didn't know it was his, damn it. It was in her house, how was she supposed to know? It wasn't as if the box had 'Connor Temple's Secret Stuff' inked across it. He shouldn't have left it here if he was so concerned, and she'd not wanted him here to begin with!
"No." He snapped.
"I had as much right as you did following me here! I didn't want you here! I didn't ask you to come! You don't live here anymore." She countered, her voice rising in anger.
He flinched at her last statement; she smiled tightly as her jab scored a deep hit on him. She had not rifled through his things on purpose, but perhaps it was a good thing. Now she could get him to leave. She had to get him to leave before she did something worse to him than she already had. She wanted to deal with this on her own. She had always done fine on her own before. She didn't need anyone.
"You just butted in, uninvited. So don't tell me I have no right." She argued, coldly.
"It's not the same thing. What the hell was I supposed to do? Leave you all alone?" He countered.
"Yes!" Abby cried.
Connor seemed to think he was her own personal grief counselor. Did it ever occur to him that some people didn't want others to see them in pain? That just maybe she'd not want to share her grief with anyone? He certainly had not shared his with her… and she was more hurt by it than she wanted to admit. He should have left when she told him to. But you wanted him here; she tried not to admit to herself… she almost succeeded.
"Yes, I wanted to be left alone! And you…" She fumed.
Lies. You lie. You are lying to him. She thought.
"What?" He yelled.
Connor was shouting at her. She had beaten the living shit out of him and he had let her do it. She had kicked him out of his home on a moment's notice and he had smiled and accepted it. But she had just crossed a line that she hadn't even known existed. She honestly had not thought he had drawn any for her, but he had. It hurt. It was unreasonable and stupid for it to hurt, but it did.
"You won't leave me be! Look what I did to you, and you still won't go." She said, her voice breaking as she gestured towards his bruised face.
She had to get him away from her. If she could do this to Connor once… what if she did it again? What if she really hurt him next time? She could not live with herself. Hot tears fell. She didn't even know when she had started to cry.
"I don't care about that, and I'm not leaving you alone…not like this." He insisted.
His voice was already softening, his face gentling in the face of her tears. Damn him. She cared that she had hit him.
"Just go, before I do something worse." She pleaded.
He usually gave in to her, but she saw him setting his jaw again. She didn't think she would be so lucky this time. Damn him for it.
"No, I can't. I was all alone…and I'm not doing that to you." He avowed fiercely.
Abby was angry again, he was such a stubborn fool! She was trying to protect him! She snarled as she advanced on him; he twitched. Not quite a flinch, but it had started as one. Something tore inside Abby, shattered and broke at the thought that Connor was flinching away from her. Like she and Jack had flinched away from their foster father, even when he was giving them scotch soaked hugs… especially then, Abby remembered darkly.
His jaw clenched as he stared her down, but a tear slipped down his cheek, and then another. He was killing her, she couldn't stand it. She had not done anything to deserve this level of devotion from him. Why could he not just leave her be?
"Why?" She cried out, frustrated and angry.
"Because I love you!" He choked out.
He froze; his eyes wide and panicked. Abby stared at him, shocked into silence. He loved her. He had said it out loud (again.) How could he? How could anyone love her? She took another step towards him, closing the space between them. She was close now…she could feel the heat off of his skin; she would feel his breath on her face if he was breathing. He stood frozen, terrified and waiting. She looked into his dark eyes, amazed at the love she saw there.
She reached out her hand to his face. He trembled as she brushed her fingertips over the bruise on his jaw, and then dug her hand into the hair at the nape of his neck and pulled his head down to hers. She kissed him softly at first, and then Connor wrapped her tightly into his arms and deepened it. He crushed her body to his, kissing her with more need and passion than she thought Connor possessed. It seemed she didn't know him that well at all, and that hurt her yet again. Abby responded in kind, losing herself in him. Tears welled up and fell; she didn't deserve him. He broke away finally, gasping for breath. His face set in concerned lines as he saw her tears.
"What's? Why? Did I?" He stammered, trying to understand yet another sudden shift in mood.
She buried her face in his chest, clung to him and cried helplessly. He was here for her. For her. No one had ever been there for her before. She had been alone for as long as she could remember. Alone to deal with Jack and his problems. Alone to deal with foster family after foster family, some worse than others, but none of them good. Connor loved her, and he was here. Her brother was dead and she had hurt her best friend and she felt like she was dying, but Connor buoyed her.
He wouldn't let her sink into it and give up and she both loved and hated it him for it. He held her there, rubbing circles on her back and pressing kisses to her hair once again; it felt good… safe. He was not about to give in, and truthfully she didn't want him to. Enough with the games. Enough with the lies. She wasn't fooling anyone, least of all herself. When he sank down onto the bed and pulled her into his lap she allowed it, and wrapped her arms around him to hold on to him tightly. She owed him so much, had hurt him so deeply.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Abby murmured.
Connor shushed her and held her close.
"It's alright. I understand…" He consoled.
At this, Abby started crying harder. He had lost so much, and she had been so cruel to him in the face of it. He forgave her, and she didn't deserve forgiveness; she didn't deserve his love. She wished he had told her and she didn't understand why he had hidden it, but if it was because he'd not trusted her then Abby couldn't fault him for it.
"Why did you never tell me?" She asked softly, when her sobs subsided.
"Did you ask?" He chided gently.
"No." She admitted.
"But I was afraid if I asked you, I would have to tell you about my family…I don't like to talk about it." She divulged.
"You don't have to, Abby." He replied softly.
She nodded against him. She was glad. She didn't want to.
"Connor? Would you tell me about them?" She asked, looking up at him.
She hoped he understood that it was just a request. He had said he didn't tell her because she didn't ask… so she was asking.
He sighed. "Yes. I'll tell you."
She slid from his lap self-consciously and began to gather the papers on the bed and place them back into the box on the floor. Connor began to gather the pictures; his hand stilled over a family portrait… Abby watched as his fingertips hovered above the photo, pain etched plainly on his features. She didn't want him to tell her if it hurt him to do it. He had enough pain, thanks to her.
"You don't have to, Connor." She said, an unconscious echo of his earlier words.
He nodded silently, continuing to gather the photographs.
"Connor…all those things I said…I didn't mean them." She apologized.
He nodded again, still subdued. She snagged his hand.
"Look at me." She demanded.
He did, his beautiful deep brown eyes searching her face trying to figure out if she really meant it.
"I don't think you are pathetic…" She begun.
He gave a derisive snort as if he didn't believe her, looked to the ground. She searched for something to say so he would understand what a remarkable man she thought he was.
"Connor, you are the strongest man I know, the sweetest, and you have the best heart…I'm the pathetic one for attacking you when you were just trying to help me. I'm sorry, Connor." She said softly.
He gaped at her, as if he'd not understood what she was trying too say. Confusion and cautious joy flitted over his face, as if he was afraid she would suddenly decide to take it back. He nodded, finally. She held onto his hand, pulled his thumb out of the hole in the seam of his shirt sleeve so she could see his bare palm. She traced her fingertips over it; he shivered.
"S' okay…" He replied.
"No. It isn't. I'm…I'm not good with feelings. I got scared…and I pushed you further and further away the more…" She paused and swallowed hard.
It was hard for her to say. He deserved it. He deserved to know and she would do this. She held his hand, traced her fingers across his palm and looked at him. Hope and fear were written across his features… so plain for her to see. He'd never been good at hiding his feelings, but she had been very good at ignoring them.
She closed her eyes tightly and then opened them again. He had told her… twice. She could say this, even though it terrified her. She had never said it and meant it before.
"The more I fell in love with you." She finished softly.
She swallowed hard, fearing his reaction. The joy was back behind his eyes, shining softly for her. He bent his head to hers slowly this time, gave her time to move away. She didn't know why he thought she might; she wanted it…she tilted her head towards him, invited him in. He kissed her softly, tender and sweet and gentle as his soul. He would never hurt her, he couldn't. When they broke apart again she gave him a fragile smile.
"Mum and Dad, they died when we were real young. I don't really remember them." Abby said softly.
She gave it up as an offering; an attempt to give him something in return for what she had taken from him. Connor leaned back on the bed against the pillows and pulled Abby down with him. She rested her head in the crook of his arm and continued, feeling as if Connor holding her in his arms was the most natural thing in the world for them. It should be. She wanted it to be.
"We didn't have other family to take us in…we went to foster families. We stayed together though…but some of them…they were not good. Some of them were bad…violent. Some people should never be around kids." Abby explained.
Connor squeezed her shoulders gently. "You don't have to…"
"Shh. Let me finish." Abby argued, but there was no real recrimination.
"A couple of times they tried to separate us, but I always ran away when they did. They had a hard time of it, finding families that would take us both. Jack was…troubled, and I suppose I was, too. Bad temper…I broke things." She related.
Connor traced small circles on her shoulder as she told him about her life. Connor surprised her by staying quiet for her, for which she was thankful. It was hard enough to talk about without having to stop, or be interrupted. She wanted him to understand what kind of past she'd had. She needed him to understand what he would be getting into if he wanted to be with her. Why she shouldn't allow it… but it hurt. She didn't know what she would do if he decided she had too much baggage for him to deal with. It terrified her that he would reject her, but if he were smart, he would. He should.
"I think that's why I…" She paused.
She turned to look at him, blinked back the tears. She opened her mouth to speak again but nothing came out. It was hard to say it over the choking lump of guilt in her throat. She just reached up and brushed her fingers over his bruised face, and then his lip where it was still slightly puffy and swollen. God, she had hurt him.
"…did this." She finished, her voice breaking.
Connor grabbed her hand, stilling it. He brought her fingers to his mouth and kissed them.
"I let you hit me, Abby. I didn't stop you." He said, finally.
"Connor, that doesn't make it right." She argued.
He sighed, frustration showing through.
"Have you ever struck an animal?" He asked softly.
"No." She whispered.
"A child?" He asked.
"Oh god, no." She answered, her voice stronger.
"Anyone besides me?" He asked gently.
"Jack…once." She admitted.
"Did you hurt him?" He asked carefully.
"No…I was only ten." She answered.
He smiled. "I don't think that counts."
Her brow wrinkled as she tried to find fault with his argument. "Then no...but…"
"I could have stopped you Abby." He asserted.
He was right. He was bigger and stronger than her, although sometimes she forgot it. She might be able to take him in fighting moves, but he was not powerless to stop her… and she had generally been punching blindly. He had been her punching bag on purpose… why would he do that? And why had she done it to him? Because she knew he would let her, and love her still despite it? Because she knew he loved her so much… more than he should.
"You shouldn't have to." She argued.
He nodded, conceding her point. "Perhaps not."
"Are you planning to do it again?" He asked, finally.
"No." She answered immediately.
The idea horrified her, sickened her. He pulled her down gently, and she settled back down on his chest. To him, it was settled. She said she wouldn't do it again, and he believed her.
He told her his story, every part of it. She listened to him silently, paying him the same respect he had shown for her. It was horrible, what he had been through. To lose it all in one fell swoop, to go from warm family to nothing in the blink of an eye… at least she had never known any different. He had lost so much. His father, his brother, his beloved baby sister in a horrific car crash... and his mother to insanity. It broke her heart, and she was crying again.
He kissed her hair and told her it was alright, it was long ago and she shouldn't cry for him. How could she not?
He pulled out the ring threaded onto a leather cord that he always wore around his neck. She had never asked him about it, although he always wore it. Always. She had been so blind and wrapped up in fear… she was so scared to open the door to her past that she had slammed shut the door on his.
"This was Dad's. Mum can't…she can't bear to look at it so she gave it to me. She can't bear to look at me either…it upsets her. I stopped trying to visit. I love her, but…she's gone, you know? She's not in there anymore; she's just existing. I think it's 'cause she bottled it all up when they died. She didn't even cry. I found her, the first time she tried to kill herself. The next time they took me away. The third time they took her away." He finished.
That was why he'd let her go at him like that, she figured. He didn't want her to end up like his mother.
"I'm sorry." Abby whispered.
He shrugged. She understood. It had happened, and he had lived through it. She could, if he was able to, if he was here with her.
She began tracing her hand across his chest; she felt the warmth of his skin beneath the thin shirt. She wanted to be closer to that warmth… to allow it to surround her. She trailed her hand lower, over his taunt stomach to feel the tight muscles bunch under her hand. His breathing hitched, his arm tightened around Abby convulsively. She made a startled squeak in reaction.
"Sorry." He rasped, his voice coming out lower and rough.
She rolled so she was facing him. She licked her lips; he stared at her mouth. She wanted him.
"Don't be." She replied, her voice just as low and raspy as his had been.
When she lowered her mouth to his this time, there was no hesitation and no fear. She gave her heart into Connor's keeping, secure that he would keep it safe. He kissed her back with a fierceness that belied his sweet nature and tender soul. He broke away and pressed his forehead to hers, his breath faster with just one kiss.
"I love you, Connor." She murmured.
His eyes flew open, awestruck. She had told him already that she had fallen for him, but she supposed it was different to say the words directly. There would be no mistaking the meaning. She loved him, totally and completely. No more lies. No more games.
"You love me?" He asked hesitantly.
"Yes." She answered softly.
He swallowed hard as if steeling himself.
"I love you more than anything Abby." He whispered.
She smiled and kissed him again…there would be no more breaking away. Their bodies said what their hearts had known for a long time.
END
A/N: So there it is. I'm not sure if I will do the Missing Reel for this story from her POV… maybe?
As always I hope that you will review if you liked? (Or hated.) Please? It makes for swifter and more prolific writing, and I hope you will take the time.
