"Cut yourself in conversation,
Cut the line to make me feel alive.
'Cause you know I'm not alive.
And leave me with your complications,
Take your life,
You feel like taking mine."
-beginning-
Jazz nervously prepared himself to meet Prowl.
It was a megacycle until 8, and 50 cycles until he would go to his quarters.
'Do I smell okay? I hope he likes me. Oh, my primus!'
His mind was rushing with thoughts.
He was so excited, yet so nervous. Maybe he should go see him early?
No, what if he gets mad?
Frag it, he wanted to go see him NOW!
Jazz excitedly overlooked himself in his mirror.
"Yes, YOU are handsome!" he said to himself in the mirror.
He made gestures, kissy faces, and many other silly things at himself in the mirror, perfecting his attitude for the night.
Would they kiss? Hug? Hold hands?
He didn't care, he just wanted to see him, but any of that would be fantastic!
He fixed the bow upon his neck, and began to leave his quarters to go see Prowl. He hoped everything would go well.
Jazz began his 'journey' down to Prowl's quarters, as he walked, he checked the time upon his watch.
7:15pm.
He rushed faster, eager and honored to have this chance.
He reached his quarters, and suddenly became breathless.
He stood firm as he poked the buzzer to open the door... nothing.
He buzzed again... still nothing.
Maybe he was working?
No, that couldn't be it.
Prowl KNEW he was going to be here soon.
If anything, he was probably getting ready.
Then he noticed his quarters door was unlocked... he pressed the open button, and open they did.
He dropped the flowers he took with him at the sight before him.
"Prowl!" He shouted in fear, as he ran to the body splayed out upon the floor infront of him. "What happened?! Are you okay?" he shouted desperately.
Prowl slightly opened his optics,
"Who... who is it... what are you... I see... Don't hurt me anymore..." he pushed Jazz away.
"Prowl... wh-what's wrong?" surprised by the push.
Prowl burst into uncontrollable sobs. "J-Jazz?"
"Yes, it's me, Jazz. What's wrong with you!?
"G- Get away from me!" Prowl screamed, and he threw his lamp at Jazz, hitting him straight in the head.
"Frag, what the slag, Prowl? It's just me, what's wrong? I-I can help you!"
"No one can help me. I'm a nothing! Don't look at me... d-don't look at me... I.. I'm hideous. GET AWAY FROM ME!" he screamed once more.
Jazz stared in disbelief at the broken, sad mech upon him... Perceptor was right, but here's where it would change.
"N-No... I'm not going to leave. I want to help you, just let me help you. Being alone all the time gets you nowhere, Prowler... Just calm down."
He fell to the floor, in a bundle of sobs.
"Please! Just get away from me! Don't look at me..."
Jazz hesitantly walked toward him, and wrapped his arms around him. "Baby boy, it's okay... I want to look at you..."
He turned his head, optics burning with tears, "Why? Why? I'm- I'm disgusting..." He began shaking his head violently with his hands pressed to his face. "PLEASE GO AWAY!" he pushed him off with one hand.
"What's going on?" they both heard a voice call to them.
Jazz darted his head up. "Skyfire! What are you doing here?"
"Is he okay?" He asked in concern.
"I-I don't know... I was supposed to meet him, and when I got here he started screaming at me!" replied Jazz, still trying to clutch Prowl's flailing body against him while he continued to scream incohereant words.
Skyfire made his way toward them both. "Allow me..." he looked up at Jazz with assuring eyes.
He nodded, and backed away from Prowl.
Skyfire was a conselor and a doctor. Jazz knew he would know what to do.
"His spark is pulsing rapidly... and look at his wrists."
Jazz glanced down at the mech's wrist and was struck with sadness.
Ironhide had been right.
The many holes within his wires made his spark drop to his knees.
Why would someone do this to themselves?
How could someone make themselves feel so insecure consciously?
Primus, no.
He continued to stare in disbelief, as his hopes fell crashing to the ground.
"Help me get him to the repair chamber. Ratchet will know what to do... I don't know how much he injected, I don't have hardly any equipment with me. We have to hurry." He rushed Jazz, as he started to pick up Prowl.
"This way." he leaded.
He hurried behind the large mech, worried.
-POV-...
Prowl awoke in a medical berth.
He struggled to see as he opened his weary optics.
His wrists were numb, and he was in so much pain. The slightest movement made him wail in agony.
He blinked repeatedly, not even knowing if he was alive.
'This is how it's supposed to be...' he thought.
'Just me... myself, and no one else.'
Nobody knew the cold exterior he put up was just to protect himself.
He didn't want to feel anymore, and the synthetic energon helped establish that.
All he could do was lay there, not think and just feel wonderful.
But in a way, it didn't last long enough.
In that moment, Prowl realized he would be alone forever.
'No one loves me. No one ever loved me... Nothing is real but pain... and I'm fine with that.'
He didn't know why he thought this way.
He was so scared of any commitment - of everything.
Someone looking at him makes him cringe...
Why does he have to feel this way? All he wanted was to be happy.
'No, I'm not supposed to be happy...'
Suddenly, he heard a calming voice reach him.
"Are you alright?"
He looked to his side to find Ratchet standing next to him, and in the back sat Jazz and Skyfire, waiting patiently to see if he was okay.
"Is he awake?" asked Jazz.
"Yeah, he's awake, and he's fine it seems. I stabilized his spark rate, and I have some pain stabalizers pumping through his wires so he doesn't hurt as much. He's pretty banged up though... Jazz, Skyfire, come out with me right quick. Prowl, I'll be right back, alright?"
"Okay..." he whispered.
Jazz and Skyfire both began walking outside of the repair chamber, and as Jazz was walking away, he looked back at the mech and he felt a horrible pain go throughout his spark.
He wanted so badly for what he saw to not be true... but deep down he knew it was.
He didn't want to believe it.
"Alright, ya'll listen." Ratchet said in an orderly tone. "I'm going to give you guys a bit of history here, because whether Prowl wants me to tell ya'll or not, I'm gonna tell ya. I knew his father Praxus, and I know that he wouldn't want his son going through so much pain. So I'm gonna make a solution, starting with you two. Got it?"
Both of them nodded, waiting for what was to come.
"Prowl is 23 stellarcycles old. He's very young still, and he shouldn't have to go through so much suffering. He needs counseling, Skyfire. I want you to try talking to him as much as you can on a daily basis. I baby sat that kid and I never pictured him turning out this way, but with how he lived I can understand why. He was abused in every way you can think of. Sexually, phusically, verbally, and whatever else he may have done to him. When I say him, I mean his other father Mill. Now, I'm not going to go to deep into that, but his other father Praxus was a heavy drug addict because all Mill did was beat em' both. With that said, he has depression. He really needs someone to be around other than that piece of slag Mirage..." he trailed off.
"Do you guys get the gist of what I am trying to say?"
Skyfire walked closer to Ratchet and rested his hand upon his shoulder. "I've known Prowl a long time, you know that. I'll make sure he's safe."
Jazz just stood there and he nodded, looking down at his feet.
What was Skyfire to Prowl?
He felt a ping of jealousy within him.
No, that's not right... he's not even with Prowl. He has absolutely no right.
Then, remembering Prowl was in the room just behind him, he left the presence of Skyfire and Ratchet, more concerned for Prowl than anything.
He turned and walked into there, quickly being stopped by Ratchet.
"Hey, do ya need a minute? He asked in earnest.
"If you don't mind." he replied quietly.
Ratchet nodded, and closed the chamber door behind him.
Jazz cautiously approached the berth in which Prowl lay to make sure he was alright. "Aye, you okay...?" he asked with sadness lining each word.
Prowl turned his head and stared, obviously surprised he was here. "W-Why are you here?"
"Do you not remember?"
"No..."
Jazz sighed sadly.
"We were gonna go on that date at eight, and I wanted to... I wanted to come see you early so we could spend more time together and I found you laying in the floor in your room, barely even able to move. I started calling your name and you threw a lamp at me, and started screaming at me, telling me to get away from you, and sayin' you were disgusting... a- and hideous."
Prowl's optics widened, and he turned his head away.
"I-I'm sorry..." he tried to say it as coldly as he oould.
He couldn't care.
"No, no, no. Don't be sorry, you were upset. There's no reason to be sorry... b-but can I ask you something?"
"What?" he replied slowly.
Jazz glanced at his wrists and pointed briefly. "Why?"
Prowl felt tears starting to well up in his eyes.
"I... It's nothing. Don't worry about me."
He felt anger strike him at the response.
"No, I am gonna worry! You could hardly move, Prowl! Don't be such an aft! I wanna help you, why can't you just accept that?"
Prowl attempted to sit up, but couldn't... he turned his head, and looked Jazz directly into the optics, and he said,
"Because I don't want help. I don't need help. I want to- to be alone. I don't need anyone to care about me, and I don't want anyone to care about me. I'm just fine with being myself, and besides, it's better that way..."
"Don't you fraggin' lie to me... Please, Prowl. I'm here for you."
"Forget about me." he said plainly, and sharply, as if he hadn't said something so serious. "Don't even think about me. We never met. I'm nothing to you, and you're nothing to me. We're not meant to talk... ever again..."
The words struck Jazz's spark home, and he felt like he was about to fall to the floor in a bundle of tears.
"You don't mean that. Pushing people away doesn't do anything but make you hurt more, Prowl! Why can't you get that? I don't want to forget you, I think you're so -"
"Forget about me!" he repeated. "We never met!"
Staring at him, Jazz started shaking his head.
He looked down, trying to fight back the sadness trying to leak out in his optics, and clenched his fists.
He turned around, trying to keep hmself composed and made his way outside of the medical room. Whenever he left, he was greeted by Skyfire and Ratchet once again.
Skyfire looked at him with a concerned look upon his faceplates. "What's wrong? You look like you're about to cry... Did something happened?"
"It's nothin'." he replied solemnly, as he pushed his way past them.
"Forget about it..." he said with a twist of hatred to the first couple of words.
He didn't understand... he didn't understand it at all.
He didn't understand why Prowl was so intent on wanting to hurt.
How does someone so perfect feel so insecure?
Does he actually WANT to hurt and be alone?
People beg to be saved, not to be hurt... but why was it different with him?
Was he really that afraid?
He recalled being told he'd been beat... but was that why?
He'd never seemed to be loved...
He wanted so much to be the one to do that for him. Maybe he should just give up... maybe it is better this way.
'Forget about me.'
The words echoed throughout his mind.
He didn't want to forget about him. Frag it all, why?
What he truly couldn't understand he how he could already care so much.
His loving spark told him not to leave, but his mind said to leave it alone.
Being a lover, he decided then and there. He would do his best to prtoect and help Prowl. He would fight for Prowl. It was decided.
-POV-
Prowl heard Ratchet approaching the berth and he did his best not to meet his eyes.
"Don't look away from me, what did ya say to that kid?"
"I didn't say anything."
"Ahh, slag it, Prowl. Don't you fraggin' lie to me. I've known you since ya were a sparkling, and I know how you act whenever you lie. Don't try to lie, 'cause it ain't gon' getcha' nowhere at all, kiddo. Just talk to me, I'm basically your uncle!"
Prowl frowned strongly. "I told him to forget about me." he said emotionlessly.
"Seriously?"
"Yes. I told him to forget about me." he replied, trying to sound as if he didn't care.
"Now ya know that kid likes ya, Prowl. Don't be that way. What happened to that jolly lil' kid I've knew, eh?"
Prowl turned his head twoard him, and looked him dead in the optics. "He died a long time ago, Ratchet."
Not knowing what to say, Ratchet just stared blankly back at him.
"Now do ya know how crazy that sounds? You need to get ya head out your aft and stop being so daggum upset all the time! Come on, now. You can fix the problem, you just don't want to!" He pointed at the IV's pumping into him. "You are better than that! I never pictured you becoming a drug addict, Prowl. You were a good kid. Yeah, I know you had a bad life, but you should be trying to live what life ya got left better. You're gonna realize how stupid this is, and when ya do, you're already going to be so consumed by that synthetic slag that it will be too late!"
"Just leave me alone!" he shouted at the medic.
Infuriated, Ratchet slapped Prowl across the face.
Stunned, Prowl just stared at him.
"Talk to me when you get your senses back. You're free to go."
He unhooked the IV's, turned off the machine.
"I swear, you're just like I was when I was your age... and that's not a good thing." he muttered as he turned off the lights and left Prowl alone in the medical chamber.
For the first time, Prowl felt himself feeling even more alone that he had ever felt before.
He laid back, closing his eyes and clenched his fists in anger.
'You're just like me.'
Psh, he didn't know half of what he felt.
Ratchet had no idea.
Suddenly, he had another flashback...
-flashback-
"Prowl, where are you?! Prowl!" called Praxus. "Daddy can't find you, come here! Where are you? The house is on fire, lovely, we have to get out!" he screamed frantically for his son.
"Daddy!" called Prowl. "H-help me!"
"You ain't gonna get away from me now, you little brat. You don't know what I've done for you!" He punched his child in the face.
Prowl fell backward into a burning table, and screamed at the pain from the embers that got onto his doorwings, trying to crawl away, ignoring the pain.
"You don't know what I've been through!" shrieked his father.
Prowl curled himself into a ball, full of no more fight. He knew it was the end...
"Mill, get away from him!" called Praxus with fury. "He's done nothing to you! Leave our child alone."
"He ain't no kid of mine. Look at em, curled up like a sparkling. Pathetic!" he yelled as he kicked Prowl, earning another scream from the youngling.
Praxus lodged a punch into Mills face, knocking him into the ground as the house burned around them.
"You bitch!" he screamed. He locked both hands around Praxus' throat, screaming and babbling slurred, drunken words at his partner. "I'll kill you!"
Praxus turned his head as much as he could toward his child, and mouthed the words 'Run.'
Prowl immediately got up, and moved as fast as his aching body could move.
He made his way through the dining quarters, and went out the front door from there, and hid himself outside, cradling himself infront of the burning house, trying not to lose himself. All he could hear was the burning of his home and the screaming of his birth parents.
"Get off of me!" demanded Praxus.
Mill grinned malevalently. "You love him more than me, so I'll make it to where we can be together... forever. Like we wanted, right?"
"Mill, no... Don't you do it!"
Mill reached into his subspace, and pulled out a gun. "Die, you slaggin' bitch!"
Prowl heard a loud gunshot, and darted his head to look at the burning house, knowing what just happened.
He broke into even more uncontrollable sobs as the house finally fell from the roof down, crushing his parents inside.
"Daddy!" he called out. "No!"
-end of flashback-
... Prowl clenched his fists and punched the berth beneath him.
'I can't escape these thoughts... I- I can't.'
He pushed himself up from the berth with all his might, and left the medical room in a haze of hatred.
