Covert Affairs

Chapter 3

Dirty Little Secrets


Rebecca trotted across the street and caught up with Riza. She bumped the other woman with her arm and smiled. "How was lunch with Grandpa?"

Riza looked around as they walked their way back to the bank and determined there was nobody close enough to overhear her. "He's asked me to go to the retirement party this weekend. I guess he's reached a dead end on his investigation into the leak."

"Hmm..." Rebecca smirked. "Roy in a tux, huh?"

Riza let a smile touch her lips in a rare display of girlish glee. She couldn't help it. "Yeah, I'm not too upset about that."

"So, you need backup?"

"I think an room full of old Generals and politicians will be something I can handle. You should take the night off."

"Thank God." Rebecca breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe she really could spend some time with her boyfriend before she was an old shrew.

Riza stopped as they walked past the local dress shop. She looked in the window and thought about how much she was really looking forward to spending some time with her husband. It had been tense recently, with one of them always working overtime it was hard to see each other. Whatever he was working on had him focused and she knew the only way to get his attention was to give him something else to obsess on. "I'll meet you back at work."

Rebecca knew what the other woman was thinking. "Lucky man."

Riza blushed as her friend chuckled and left her to go into the store by herself. It was silly that she could still be embarrassed by something so simple as buying sexy lingerie to surprise the man she married, especially considering some of the rather risque outfits she had to wear in the line of duty. However this wasn't just clothing when it came to him, it was something special. He'd understand that as soon as he set his eyes on her wearing it, which would be two seconds before his brain stopped functioning and he pounced her. She blushed a little more. Yes, it really had been a bad month and she wanted to make up for it. She smiled at the clerk and walked back to the other room where the 'unmentionables' were and picked out something that would get his nose out of the books.


Roy Mustang was rarely surprised by things that crossed his desk these days. Between the incoherent ramblings of students, reports of terrorist acts and incredible advances in alchemy he had seen quite a bit. However he was always surprised by how vast the world of sexual fetishes were and how easily Sergeant Dan McClellan could find these hentai books to add to the collection in the pawn shop. He knew the old pervert did it on purpose just to see if he could finally find something so depraved that even the Flame Alchemist would refuse to decipher it. Tonight was not that night, however he had to say if he ever read the phrase 'automail penis' again he was probably going to wash his eyes out with soap.

There was a very light squeak that broke quiet of the night that was barely distinguishable above the monotonous ticking of the clock. Roy stopped his decoding and froze. He held his breathe and listened while his eyes scanned his study. He waited to see if he was just imagining things or his tired mind was telling him to just give up and go to bed. He sat there still as a statue for at least two minutes with his pencil poised on his notebook, his shallow breaths the only thing he could hear besides the ticking of the clock. His eyes drifted to said clock and he determined that 2am was probably late enough and he should call it a night. He rubbed his weary eyes and bent down and opened the safe that was integrated into his desk.

Riza smiled like a child sneaking downstairs on Christmas morning as she slipped into the study without being heard. She was careful to avoid the squeaky board and happy that the graphite worked its magic on those squeaky hinges. Her eyes locked into the hunched form of her husband opening his safe and his hand reach up on the desk for a notebook to store it away for the evening. She pulled the string on her sheer robe and let it billow behind her as she finally used her stealth spy skills for something fun. She almost couldn't control her breathing she was so excited and she knew there was an mischievous grin plastered on her face. She tip toed to his desk and smiled as she imagined his face when he looked up and saw the lingerie she was wearing. The thoughts of what would come after started to tingle other places. She stood there for a moment and waited. Then another. Apparently he was going to take his sweet ass time reorganizing his safe tonight while she stood there half naked waiting to surprise him. She looked down at a brown paper bag setting on the floor and knocked it over with her foot to alert him to her presence.

Roy almost jumped out of his skin as he heard the bag from the pawn shop tip over. He sat up and stared at the most amazing sight: his beautiful wife standing there wearing sexy black lingerie and a sheer robe. His heart stopped and for a moment it was perfect: Her beautiful eyes glistening with lust, a mischievous grin gracing her lips, her blond hair cascading over her shoulders and her muscular and perfect body wrapped up in a sheer fabric and some tantalizing silk and lace neglige. His heart began to pound and and at that moment he thanked God that he was such a lucky man. Then he watched her eyes drift down and her smile fade as she realized there was a magazine with a schoolgirl being raped by a tentacle monster on the floor. Right then he wanted to ask God what the hell he ever did to him to deserve this.

Riza had encountered many surprising things in her career, most of which she didn't react to. This however, was not one of them. She felt the smile melt off her face and be replaced by a scowl as her eyes locked on to a pile of hentai doujinshi on the floor of her husband's study. She looked up at him and saw it on his face: the shock, panic and embarrassment of a man caught doing something perverse and downright stupid.

Roy felt like he had sucked all the oxygen out of the room with his alchemy, but he knew it was simply with his own negligence. Why the hell did he put that bag there? "Riza, I can explain."

She bent down and picked up the top comic with the octopus and a crying adolescent schoolgirl. She felt her jaw clench and stood up. "Really? This is what you're doing down here all night while I'm waiting for you in our bed?"

Roy swallowed hard and tried to come up with any reason why he would have porn in his study that wouldn't make him look like a pervert. Unfortunately right now she wouldn't even believe him if he told her the truth: that their government used hentai to pass information around the country about terrorist attacks and he was one of the few mentally capable of deciphering it thanks to his intelligence. Intelligence that was clearly not part of the equation when he put that bag there four hours ago. "I...well..."

"God Roy really? Seafood and teenage girls is what gets you off? This is why you've been avoiding me?"

He wished he could say he confiscated it from a student but he knew there was an open book on his desk that involved an automail enhanced man and a meek nurse. He watched her rage grow and he knew he had to say something. He finally blurted out, "A habit I picked up during the war."

She watched his sad brown eyes beg for forgiveness as he finally overcame his panic. Usually she maintained her calm no matter what but standing there in front of him after being so excited all day to walk in wearing the damned lingerie she knew he'd go wild over, she was just going to be his pissed off wife. "Burn it."

He blinked at her. Well this just got worse by the minute! He hadn't even finished decoding the one on his desk more or less thought about the ones in the bag. That intel would be lost if he caved in. He better get a damned medal for this someday. He painfully uttered the words " I can't"

"You can't?" She snapped and threw the book at him. "Or won't?"

"Riza..."

"Save it Roy." She finally spun around and marched out of his study and went to change into something else. What the hell happened? When did she lose her husband to a porn addiction? She felt about ready to cry. Her! Hawkeye, the country's best spy was blindsided by her own husband's fetish. How the hell didn't she see this?

He closed his eyes. He didn't even know how to begin to make up for this. All he knew was that the only way out of this now was to pretend to be a closet pervert and ask his wife's forgiveness. He gathered up the damned books and locked them up in his safe then turned out the light and took a deep breathe before walking upstairs to admit he was something he wasn't. Now was the time to recall all those memories of the degenerates that frequented Madam Christmas's establishment and try to channel their depraved and desperate personas. Ugh. That only made him feel worse knowing he was going to pretend to be one of those low lifes and convince his wife he was just that.

Riza threw the stupid robe off as she walked into her bedroom and quickly wiggled out of the lingerie and kicked it into the corner. She slipped into something more comfortable and could help but ask herself where the hell she went wrong. How exactly did they get to this point in their marriage where her husband had to hide in his study and look at sex with sushi in order to get off? Especially when she was up here and would have loved to have some attention! She knew he was on his way up here and didn't want to be crying when he arrived so she tried her best to be the professional agent in her own home. Something she never wanted to do.

Roy cautiously peaked into his bedroom as he watched her put a shirt on and jump into bed. He wasn't really sure how to go about admitting to something like this. He sure as hell didn't want to see the hurt on her face either. However there was really only one way out of this and he stepped forward and watched her flip over and give him the cold shoulder. "Riza, can you let me try and explain?"

"I think I can figure it out without hearing you tell me you prefer what you see in that comic to what you have here in this bed with me."

He felt like the wind had been kicked out of him as those words cut deep. It would do no good to tell her that she was the only woman he needed. He was just going to blame this on the war, it was the easiest excuse. Just blame it on being lonely and leave it at that. "Look when I was away in Ishval ...I just needed something to keep my mind off how damned much I missed you. Well, it's not like there is a huge selection of adult reading materials when you're at war and you sort of just take what you can get."

She sat up in bed. "What's your excuse now? Now that you have a wife waiting for you to come to bed?!"

He could see tears welling in her eyes and hated himself for creating this situation. Bad enough he lied about what he was doing, but now he was lying about something worse to cover it all up. "Just became an addiction."

"So I'm not enough for you anymore?"

He walked to the bed and fell to his knees beside her. "Please don't think that. Riza I love you, you know that."

"I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you Roy." She looked at him and saw the apologetic eyes. "The war was five years ago!"

"I've been stressed at work and..." God this was never going to end. "I'm sorry. I can't say that enough Riza."

"I don't even want to look at you right now." She felt the tears at the corner of her eyes and shook her head. "Go back to your study and enjoy sleeping with your books tonight."

He watched her pull the blankets up and her head hit the pillow to end the conversation. How could he expect her to understand, she had no idea the kind of world they really lived in. She had no idea the things he did to protect her and his country and it would stay that way. He stood and went back to his study to think about his new addiction and how he was going to sell that lie. Dammit. Work wasn't supposed to spill over to home, he was getting sloppy. He should have just stayed at work and written it off as another late night doing research! Well what was done was done and tomorrow he was going to have to start a new life as Roy Mustang the pervert porn addict.


Roy leaned back in the uncomfortable chair and stared at the ceiling as Maes cackled and slapped his hand on his desk . "Thanks for the support, buddy."

Maes wiped tears away. "If it was me, you would have already peed your pants laughing."

"Well, now you're an accomplice because I'm sure she's going to ask you about the war and my dirty little secret."

Maes started to laugh again. "You really went up and confessed to being an addict? Seriously?"

"She thinks I want to fuck fish, Maes! This isn't funny!"

"It is Roy, it really is." He started to laugh again and tried to collect himself. "And you're supposed to be good with women!"

Roy was so tired he couldn't really think straight anymore. The morning hours had been spent developing a timeline for his back story. Then he tried to come up with some sort of plan for "rehab" and ended up with a dead end. Mainly because sex with his wife was no longer an option. "I need your help coming up with a damage control plan."

"You should ask Sergeant McClellan! You can be his apprentice! I bet this is how he started down his road to being a pervert bridge troll guarding the pawn shop on Broad street."

Roy ground his teeth. Well that was over the line. Comparing him to that disgusting bastard who was as much at fault for all this as anyone. The option was there for something simple as a standard porno that he could have easily explained away as 'inspiration' but tentacle sex was something nobody could explain. Probably ever. "Really? This is my wife Maes! Not some undercover agent. My wife! Think about how devastated Gracia would be if this was you!"

Maes quit laughing and thought about it. "Well...since you put it that way..."

"Not funny anymore is it?" Roy rubbed his face and moaned. "I don't even know what I was confessing to last night. "

"We can fix this." Maes said and watched his best friend tilt his head forward and glare at him. "Or at least try to curb the damage."

"I think finding the philosopher's stone would be a more realistic goal." Roy shook his head and let his head fall back over the top of the chair so he could stair at the tin ceiling tiles.

"Look, send some flowers. Did you tell her about dinner at my house tonight?"

"No, I was too busy destroying my marriage."

"Ok, well it will be perfect then. A dinner with friends might make things easier than you two sitting alone in your kitchen listening to the plaster crack. "

"Sounds...reasonable." Roy stared at the blades of the ceiling fan wishing the damned thing would fall and end his miserable existence.

"How about counseling?" Maes suggested.

"For a problem I don't have?" Roy sat up and stared at his friend. "Oh and never mind the repercussions when it ends up on my record and gets me fired because I work with kids for a living!"

"Yeah, that would be bad." Maes shrugged. "Want me to talk to her?"

"No. That's so much worse." Roy changed the pitch of his voice to mimic Maes and said "So Sorry Riza, let me show you pictures of his road to dispair! Oh the academy, those were the automail fetish years! Look at this picture we took back in Ishval, he was wanking to midget porn back then! That's why he looks so tired!"

Maes thought about it. "I could be really convincing. Tell her some heart wrenching story about how I had to pry you away from your magazines as you sat hunched in the corner of your tent refusing to go to work. I could sell it."

"It's embarrassing enough for her. " He sat up and ran his hands through his hair. "She's probably sitting at her desk at work trying to not cry. Betrayed and hurt, trying to pretend to work on allocation reports and not see the image burned into her retina of a little girl being probed by tentacles!"


"Wow." Rebecca tried to get her head around all of that. "That really makes the smoking look like a virtue. I think I'll buy Jean a carton when I get home."

Riza shook her head. She was glad she had a friend to confide in but some things she never really wanted to have to talk about. However she had to clear her mind of it all before she repelled down the side of this abandoned building and into the former warehouse office space below. Last thing she needed to be thinking about was a slimy squid when she was supposed to be eliminating the support staff for the spies they had been slowly killing off in the sewer system.. "All I can think about is that somehow it's my fault for neglecting him. This isn't the man I married."

"Apparently it is. He said this went back to Ishval?"

Riza still couldn't believe any of this. She read people like a book, it's what she did for a living! How could she not see him so unhappy that he'd resort to reading that crap! The answer was clear as day, she couldn't see it because she was hardly ever home anymore. "We need a new recruit. Handling everything ourselves is getting to be ridiculous."

"Did you check his safe this morning?" Rebecca knew the answer, of course she did.

"Empty." Riza was more concerned that his safe was a little more difficult to crack as it was a more advanced model and military grade. Something she dismissed as probably something he ordered through work. He was still a state alchemist and a Colonel in the military, they would give him whatever he asked for.

"I bet the make up sex is going to be heavenly." Rebecca watched those eyes dart to her behind the ski mask and shrugged. "What? It's not like you're going to be pissed forever. You love the guy."

"I'll keep that in mind when I'm murdering people down there." She checked her gun and made sure the silence was screwed on tight. "I'm ready when you are."


Ed dangled his new pocket watch in front of Mustang's face. "Maybe now I can get some respect around here!"

"I'm sure the other members of the lollipop guild will be thrilled to welcome you as their Mayor." Roy mumbled and stood up from the park bench in Central command's courtyard as Maes chuckled.

"Ed, probably best you don't push the Colonel too far today. He gets cranky when he doesn't sleep." Maes pulled the kid back to the bench and made him sit down. "That was a pretty quick exam. I thought it took weeks to process everything."

Roy jumped to attention as he heard a chuckle behind him and looked to see their Fuhrer approach. "Sir!"

"At ease Colonel." Fuhrer King Bradley smiled as he handed the young man his certificate. "I wanted to personally deliver this considering you were so kind to show me the weakness of my security staff. Congratulations, Edward Elric."

Roy made a mental note to ask exactly what the dumb shit did to get that comment. He however wasn't going to bring it up in front of Bradley.

"Fullmetal Alchemist." Ed beamed as he read the certificate. "Thank you sir!"

"Well done Colonel Mustang, I'm impressed with your find." Bradley smiled and nodded his goodbye. "Keep up the good work gentlemen."

Roy looked over at the young man checking out his new pocket watch and beaming like an idiot. "So, what did you do to earn that title?"

"I tried to kill him." Ed said and looked up as both men seemed to pale. "What? He was just standing there what was I supposed to do, kiss his ass?"

"Yes." Roy replied with a growl. "It's customary to do a little ass kissing in a job interview, not try and assassinate the leader of our country."

"Well it worked." Ed showed him his watch and stuck out his tongue. "So kiss my ass Mustang!"

Roy stepped over to where he was sitting on the bench so he could look down at him and make sure that the kid was in his shadow for added dramatic effect. "Welcome to the military Major Elric. As of right now, you're no longer some smart-assed student. You're an officer in our army, a state alchemist, a member of my team and also my subordinate. Welcome to adulthood, now put your watch away and start acting like a big boy because I have no problems kicking your ass to the curb and leaving you with nothing but that smart assed mouth of yours to make a living. Trust me, in Central that's not a pretty option."

"You really do need your beauty sleep don't you?" Ed mumbled and put his watch away.

"I report directly to the Fuhrer." Roy informed him. "I pushed for this exam this morning and you waltzed in there and tried to kill him. So, how do you think that reflects upon me?"

Maes nudged the young man and whispered. "Just say thank you so we can meet the others, huh?"

"Thanks." Ed said and watched Mustang roll his eyes. He looked up as two men approached. One kinda slimy looking and the other smoking like a chimney.

"Gang's all here." Maes mumbled.

"Fullmetal, this is our night crew. Lt Jean Havoc and Lt. Colonel Solf Kimblee." Roy watched Kimblee smirk, ready to crack a joke about the new kid already. "Gentleman, Major Edward Elric, the recently christened Fullmetal Alchemist."

"Recently christened is right." Kimblee chuckled. "You even cut the umbilical cord yet Mustang?"

Havoc gave the kid a salute and knocked some ash from his cigarette. "Well Chief, I hope this means I get a reprieve from babysitting him."

Kimblee rolled his eyes as the man blew smoke in his direction. He smirked at the hostile little kid and looked up at Roy. "He's got your scowl, but his Mom's hair. Where you been keeping the brat all these years? Boarding school?"

"He's not my kid." Roy snapped.

Kimblee chuckled as both the kid and Mustang shot him the same nasty look. "Sure. So let me guess you want me to show him the ropes?"

"Run him through orientation tonight." Roy instructed. "Havoc, I'm trusting you with Ed."

"Don't trust me?" Kimblee asked.

"Of course not." Roy hissed. "Bad enough I just employed a teenager, I'm not leaving him in the care of a sociopath."

"I thought I was going to dinner tonight and getting real food." Ed said. He was looking forward to that after it was dangled in front of his eyes and Al seemed pretty excited to meet the teacher he was always bitching about.

Roy forgot about that. Damned Hughes and his need to invite everyone over to his house! He stood there and debated about whether or not he wanted to have the distraction of the Elrics at dinner or the awkward silence for company if it was him and Riza watching Maes's perfect family interact. Then again she might not even want to come with him. Well it was already set in motion so why not go with it. "No, you should go to dinner. It will make it easier for Hughes to explain why you disappear for half the night and give your brother somewhere to stay where you don't have to worry about him."

"Easier for me to explain?" Maes asked.

"You'll come up with something." Roy assured him.

"Like what? Alchemist initiation party?" Maes asked and watched Roy shrug.

"It's not a lie." Kimblee chimed in and winked at the kid. "You can show me yours and I'll show you mine."

"Is there something in the water around here or is every adult such a pervert?" Ed asked as Kimblee flashed him the array drawn on his hands. Now he had some memories of those sexual predator PSAs on the radio and that catchy song 'Don't pet the trouser snake'. He shuddered.

Roy frowned. If he only knew half of what was going on. "Havoc, you have my permission to shoot Kimblee if you need to."

"Define 'need'." Havoc mumbled and sighed knowing the man was only half serious.

"Wait..." Ed finally did the math. "When the hell do I sleep!?"

"Welcome to the glorious world of covert ops." Maes smiled. "Caffeine is your new best friend."

"Alright, dismissed." Mustang snapped. His mind had already moved on to the next task of convincing his wife to come have dinner with them. "Havoc, make sure Ed and his brother make it to Maes's for dinner, would you?"

"Yes sir." He sighed. He wished that someday someone would give a damn about him making it to his dinner date.

"Then disappear for a while and take that rather hyper girlfriend of yours out on a date. " Roy added and watched the man smile. Really he was more interested in giving Rebecca something to talk about at work. However Havoc seemed to think he was doing him a huge favor and he just gave the guy an encouraging smile.

Maes watched Ed cautiously leave with the night shift team and smiled when the kid decided to walk beside Havoc and not Kimblee. "By the way...when I had lunch with Gracia and Elicia today. I gave my loving wife, who still enjoys looking me in the eye, my paycheck."

"There are days when I really hate you Maes." Roy growled.

"Wait for it." Maes raise his finger and smiled. "My paycheck that she could deposit at the bank...that Riza works at...so she could invite her to the celebratory dinner we're having for your student. Not every day a kid becomes a State Alchemist and it would be a shame to let it go uncelebrated because his only family is his brother. Poor kids, without their parents..alone in this world. Oh and some other gossipy crap about how it's a huge feather in your cap for finding him, sponsoring him and blah blah."

Roy smiled. Of course this all happened a few hours before Ed even passed his exam, so it was more of a compliment that Maes also felt the kid was that good. Good enough to have his wife go ahead and plan a party before there was anything to even celebrate. "Thanks."

"I know, I'm not so bad at this am I?" Maes chuckled. "I mean who could possibly refuse my Gracia anything? Or Elicia..."

Roy's smile faded as the inevitable picture slideshow began. And now he was back to wanting to strangle him.