October Fifteenth
Dear Gilbert,
Something spectacular happened today. Well, I don't know if you could call it spectacular or not. Whatever the case, something "peculiar" and "different" did happen and I'm still kind of in awe over it.
Before I venture into that I want to confirm something with you. I sent you the letter containing my first day of school antics (which were not really antics at all) this morning. I walked to school today and dropped the envelope off at the post office on my way. I will mail this one tomorrow morning. I actually prefer walking to school as opposed to Roderich's rides. Whenever I go anywhere with him it's quite awkward and quiet and I feel like I should say something and break the silence for the sake of being polite but his conversations are often very, very long, one-sided, preachy, forced, among a lot of other things that I could list that would make it even more clear that I really, really, really do not like communicating with that man.
Anyhow, when I walk to school, it is just the right time of morning where it's brisk and light and just exudes the air of autumn. The weather the past few days has been beautiful. You should see it, Gilbert; it's just like when Dad would have us get up at dawn and go running! You would probably hate it, now that I think about it. You never liked to get up that early, did you? I did, though. I'm a morning person, I think.
When I got to school this morning, I was expecting things to go as they did yesterday and, for the most part, the day started out the same. I walked in, cowered away from the crowds of squealing teenagers like a sensible person, marched to my locker, and went to English class. Actually, the day was as bland as a British luncheon until about midday when, coincidentally, lunchtime rolled around. Today I had managed to pack my own paper bag full of things completely opposite to what Elisabeta would have sent with me. That means no cakes, no sweets, no cookies or donuts or candy. No. I took along healthy, hearty things like potatoes and... okay. I just brought a lot of potatoes. But that's completely aside from the point.
I had just sat down to eat when I heard a small "ahem" from behind me. I turned around and there was this... kid standing there. He had the biggest, goofiest smile on his face and I wasn't sure what to do. This was the first time anyone had ever attempted to talk to me.
"Mind if I sit here?" he asked.
"Yes," I said.
The smile fell from his face. "Oh."
"Wait, no. I mean, no, I don't mind. Yes, you can sit here." I desperately attempted to make sure I didn't blow it. It could have been my only chance at friendship, you know.
He sat down across the table from me. "You're Ludwig, right? I think we have History class together," he said.
I nodded. I remembered him. He sat right in front of me and fidgeted in his seat a lot. "Yeah, we do."
"Cool! I knew it! I'm Feliciano, by the way."
"It's a pleasure to meet you."
I mean, that could have been a lie. Is it really a pleasure that I met him? I don't know yet, I barely know him. Then again, he's the first person who's talked to me at all since I moved here so I guess I'm grateful for that. And, who knows? Maybe he could turn out to be a really dear friend to me? I'm not hopeful, though. I'm sure, once he gets to know me, he won't want anything to do with me. So, I guess I shouldn't get so attached.
But, somebody talked to me, Gilbert! For the first time ever I might have a friend! And, I don't understand how this makes me feel... I know I don't dread going to school so much anymore because I know I won't always be alone because Feliciano said he'd sit with me every day at lunch if I was okay with that. And I said I was. And he said "Okay!"
Apparently he didn't have many friends either. People liked him, of course, but nobody could really stand being around him for a long time. I don't know why but I guess I'll find out? Nobody can really stand being around me for a long time either so perhaps I've met my match? In a strictly platonic way, I mean. Don't get any ideas, Gilbert. I know how you are.
I'm not gay. At least, I don't think I am. Then again, I've never really liked anyone or found anyone of a certain gender attractive. Perhaps I'm asexual? I'm not really sure what that means but I think it means that you just don't like anybody. That's depressing because I definitely want to have a relationship at some point in my life and maybe even get married some day. To who, however, is the big issue. What if I am gay and I just don't know it yet? Is equal marriage supported in this state? What if I want to marry a man and I can't do it here? I know it's a weird question and I shouldn't be worried about it at my age but what if!?
Maybe I'm just getting too worked up over it. That's probably it. I'm a wreck, aren't I? I make one friend and then I'm questioning my sexuality and panicking about the state legislature. Please don't make fun of me, Gilbert. Okay, I know you totally will but whatever.
If I ever do become romantically involved with someone, no matter their sex or gender, I'm just warning you now, I'm probably going to have to detail the experience to you because I'll need your advice because... like I'll know what to do! I can assure you, I'll be helpless and stupid in any and all romantic or sexual situation.
I don't even know how to masturbate properly. Okay, that was a little awkward to say but you once told me I could talk to you about this kind of stuff if I needed to and I think I need to. Not quite this second though. I'm not worried about that just yet.
Damn, I'm pathetic, aren't I?
Oh, and I was thinking about something today. Remembering, more or less. I was just thinking about how you would always call me by my middle name a lot of the time and I kind of miss that even though I hated it at the time. So, next time I see you could you maybe call me "West" like you used to? Thanks, Gilbert.
Anyhow, back to what I was talking about before I went into all that sexuality stuff, I'd like to ask for your advice on what to do with a friend? Should I invite him over here at some point? What do you do with someone if they come over to your house to hang out? (Shut up. I know what you're thinking, Douchebag.)
But no, really. I think maybe I should get to know him better before I make plans to do stuff. I think I should see if we have any shared interests and go from there. What do you think?
He says his family is from Italy which is cool because we're from Germany and those two were allies in World War Two, right? I don't know why I'm asking you. You never paid attention in History class.
I kid, I kid. (You never really did pay attention in History class, though. I'm just saying.)
Honestly, though, I'm glad I've made friends with someone who's also an outcast foreigner like myself. We're actually really similar in a lot of weird parallel ways, now that I think about it. He has an older brother too although he's a little younger than you are. He's a senior now, I think. Feliciano's in my grade. He says he knows a lot of people because they're friends of his brother's boyfriend.
"Your brother has a boyfriend?" I asked him.
"Yes!"
"Why?"
"Because he likes boys, silly!" Feliciano laughed and explained that his brother's boyfriend was a big football star (American football. Wow!) and everybody loved him so, by default, even though Feliciano's brother is apparently not very nice, people thought he was cool and, subsequently thought Feliciano and their even younger brother who he didn't have much to say about were also cool.
I can relate to that. The only reason I didn't get picked on too much in middle school was because you were grades ahead of me and made our name a legend. I mean, I guess you could call it a legend. You just kind of made teachers hate me, no offense. They still hated me after you left. The only difference is that, once you stopped going to school with me, people made fun of me a whole lot more and then that whole bad thing happened that I won't talk about and now I'm here. Yay.
I'm beginning to get a better vibe from this school though. Maybe I'll be able to cope with people better if I stick with Feliciano. He seems pretty social, from what I've gathered. Can you imagine though, Gilbert!? Me having friends!? I never would have thought that this would happen to me, really. I've never had a friend in my whole life and now I do! Wow. It's a lot to take in. And I'm not even exaggerating or anything. He actually said that we were friends. Of course I wasn't like "Gee whiz! I'm so excited for companionship! Yippee!" because I don't think I've ever said the words "Gee whiz" or "Yippee" in my entire life. I played it cool like "That's nice. Thank you." because those are words I would actually say in my day-to-day conversations.
Wow, you are probably laughing really hard at your pathetic little bruder right now. I can feel it. I don't care. Laugh all you want. I have a friend.
I know I've asked this before but... Do you have friends anymore? I am very curious to know, actually. You always got along with people so well in school and I hope you made new friends or kept in touch with your buddies from high school because they were kind of upset when you left. I was too. That's why you should come back. We all miss you here (even Roderich, probably!) and we would be content if you at least visited once and a while. I know you're busy but, you know... We're family, right? And I think that means you should recognize that we're still here wishing you would come back. I know... I know you're probably having a lot of fun and I'm sorry to keep pulling you back with my emotional problems but it would mean a lot to me, especially, if you dropped by, even if was only for an afternoon or a few hours or even if you drove your car past the house and yelled "Guten tag!" I think I would be happy.
So, once again, I say thanks for listening and I'll write you again tomorrow. I know it seems like I write you a lot, and I do, but you're my brother and I kind of have to. You understand, right? I hope to see you soon.
Your Brother,
Ludwig
