Hey guys! Just a reminder, I will be updating every Friday. If you have any questions, comments or concerns, please inbox me or review, ill update you with whatever I can without spoiling anything! :D This chapter was based off of two songs. The first one is called "snuff" by slipknot. The second is called "Rot," by Lacey Sturm from flyleaf. If you want to listen to those songs to understand this chapter better, then please do! Also, I will be writing about the ten year gap for both sides; only then will you understand the severity of the addiction Ritsu has. And we'll learn a little about Takano's past too. Please continue to Read and review! Thank you all so much! To the wonderful reviews I've gotten so far, thank you very much. Im excited for this story! I hope you all who are reading are as well.
Disclaimer: You all know -.- but yea, I don't own it.
Happy Reading!
"Bury all your secrets in my skin.."
Chapter 3: Twisted
The sun was setting for the day, as Ritsu made his way out of the bathroom. He held a towel over his brown locks, and frantically tried to soak out the water dropping off onto his skin. Takano stared out the bedroom window, watching the streets from afar. He took a drag of his cigarette, as Ritsu came up beside him.
"I wish you'd quit that." He pointed out, brushing his hair away from his eyes. Takano turned his head to his lover, not saying anything, yet saying so much with the look in his eyes. Ritsu studied this look, and then spoke again. "Takano-san, what's wrong with you?"
Takano shrugged, took another drag, then tossed his cigarette out the window. He turned to Ritsu, softening his expression. "Nothing. I was just thinking about that book. Will you read it to me?" Takano asked sincerely, though partially lying about his thoughts. Ritsu's face brightened up immediately, and he rushed to get the book from the nightstand.
The two lay down, Ritsu rested in Takano's embrace as he opened the book. Takano closed his eyes, listening to the beauty of the smaller man's voice. Every syllable. Every sound. Every word. He hung onto them. They were saying something. Ritsu was trying to tell him something through this book. He had to be.
He just knew it.
"'Loving, Yes: early on she knows what it is to be shaken by love. 'these passionate attachments,' people say, dismissively, and Caroline wants to cry out that 'attachment' is just right, for she is already as sensitive to words as everything else, and when she loves it like a bonding and tearing…" Ritsu read calmly, as he lay still in Takano's arms. He stole a quick glance at the brunette, and for a second, he wondered if Ritsu really had forgotten their past. But if he had, then why did he dream about high school? He couldn't have blocked it out of his memory because of events afterwards, could he? Takano wanted to find out. He just had to.
Takano's mind began to wander elsewhere. So many questions, yet, no clue how to ask them. Did he want to know? Did he really want to hear why Ritsu's 'forgotten?'
He had stated several times that 'memories fade,' and 'I don't remember.' But did he really just erase Saga's existence from this world? Perhaps he only said those things because he really didn't want to think about it. Though it was such a long time ago. OF course memories fade…but then…
Why didn't Takano's?
"'I hate love!, she blurts out, it just makes people cry! I hate it!...It might seem that way, Caro…but-well, never mind. You'll see when you're older…'" Ritsu continued to read, but secretly his mind was travelling elsewhere. He knew Takano wasn't paying attention to him. But he kept on at it anyways, though he had nostalgia coming back to him suddenly.
Takano noticed a quick pause, and took the liberty to ask what he wanted to so desperately. "Ritsu?" Takano lifted Ritsu's chin up to face him. Ritsu blushed lightly, and rested the book on his stomach.
"Y-yes?" Takano wore such a loving expression on his face. He really did love this man. Onodera Ritsu. He was the light to his darkness, the sun in the sky. He was a drop in the ocean, causing a ripple effect all the way through. And though he'd never know it, he was the only thing that kept Takano alive all these years.
Hoping and praying that he'd walk back into his life. Hoping and praying that Ritsu was alive somewhere, and was okay, even if he wasn't. And though parts of Takano wanted to hate this man…
He couldn't bring himself to do it.
When Ritsu first walked into Emerald a year ago, he had a sense of confusion shoot over him. How could a random man, look so similar? Have those big, hypnotizing green eyes? Those luscious, pink lips? The silky brown hair? And how could his name be so close to HIS!? To Oda's? Oda Ritsu wasn't this man….but they were all too similar.
And when he kissed him for 'work,' he actually did it because he wanted to know if it felt like Oda's lips…and to his surprise, they did. They felt like they did all those years ago. And the way Onodera's cheeks turned bright pink when he was shy or shocked, the ripple effect began again.
This couldn't be Oda…could it? No, no way…
But as fate had it, Oda Ritsu wasn't gone anymore. He was back. And he was the one and only Onodera Ritsu, only son and heir to Onodera publishing. It made sense. He had the fiancé. He had the money. He had the looks. He had a similar voice. And he studied in England…everything began to make sense.
And when he kissed him the second time, he knew for sure, this new editor, this man, was Ritsu. HIS RITSU. And there was no way in hell he was gonna lose him again.
"I want to know something." Takano said. Ritsu stared immensely, slightly nervous on what he was asking.
"W-what? What d-do you want to know?" Ritsu asked curiously. He shifted his body as Takano held him, and set the book to the side. Takano thought carefully on how to word his question. Did he really want to know? No.
Wait. Yes…
NO.
YES.
NO!
Yes…
"Why did you forget about high school?," He began, studying the look on his lover's face as he continued, "I understand that you were hurt, but, it's not easy to forget someone you love. Especially your first love. How come you did? I never forgot about you." Takano tried to hide the slight irritation and jealously of Ritsu's apparent selective memory, but it didn't come out as he hoped it would.
Ritsu sat up from Takano's embrace, and gave him an almost pissed off face. "What?" He didn't try to hide the anger that began to arise. Why would Takano ask such a stupid question? Is he saying that he didn't love him enough? Is he saying that he was the bad guy? So he wants to play that game now huh?
"I never forgot about you. So why did you forget about me?" Takano asked again; he too sat up, and stared at Ritsu. Ritsu scoffed and stood from the bed. Takano said nothing, but he too stood from the bed. "Ritsu, I'm talking to you." He almost shouted, though he really didn't want to fight, he wanted to know.
"What are you trying to say?" Ritsu's voice rose abruptly. Takano rolled his eyes, and let out a scoff of his own.
"I'm asking why you forgot about me so easily. I want to know how that works." Takano bluntly threw the statement out there, ready to win this oncoming argument that he started. Ritsu bit his lip angrily and walked into the bathroom, ignoring Takano's question. "OI! Onodera! I'm asking you something! Don't ignore me!" He followed him to the bathroom, where Ritsu opened and closed drawers constantly. "What the fuck are you doing?"
Ritsu slammed a drawer shut and turned to Takano. "Get the fuck out!" He shouted, and turned his attention back to the drawers. Takano looked around irritably; scoffing and chuckling at the rudely addressed request. Takano grabbed Ritsu's wrist, trying to get his attention.
"Are you seriously trying to tell me to get out?! This is MY apartment!" Takano yelled out, and seconds later he realized how badly he fucked up. He clapped his hand over his mouth, trying to take back the last three minutes of his life.
Ritsu stared blankly, and violently pulled his hand away. He said nothing, and headed towards the bedroom once again. Takano followed, trying to think of something to say. "Ritsu, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"Just shut up Takano-san." Ritsu put on his pants over his boxers, buttoned up his shirt and pulled out his journal from the dresser. Takano stood in front of the doorway, trying to block him.
"Ritsu, I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking." Takano practically begged. He knew he fucked up. He knew those damn, insulting words shouldn't have come out of his mouth. But they did. And how would he fix it? He didn't have a clue.
Ritsu brushed passed him quietly, being small enough to squeeze himself through the crowded doorway. He headed towards the door, and slipped on his shoes.
"Goodnight Takano-san. If it's something work related, please feel free to text or fax me details. Have a good night." Ritsu stepped out of the apartment, taking steps towards his. He pulled out keys, unlocked the door, and stepped behind it without saying anymore. Takano heard the door lock, and he watched silently, angry and upset.
Why does he always run away? Wait-why the hell did I say I was sorry? He should be the one apologizing! After all he's done to me,
Takano scoffed once more, and turned on his heel to the inside of his apartment. He slammed the door shut, and headed towards the kitchen for a drink. He pulled out some alcohol, chugging it down to calm his nerves.
After all I've done for him…
An hour passed, and Takano was already on his twelfth beer. His head was spinning and pounding. And he continuously checked his phone for any missed calls or messages from Ritsu. But as always, there never were.
Takano stumbled to the bedroom, shedding off his shirt. He tossed it across the room angrily, then lied in bed. He threw the blanket over himself, wrapping his body warmly. But then why…
Why did it feel so cold..? Why did it feel like there was something missing?
'Saga-Senpai,'
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the voice from his thoughts.
'how do you know my name?'
Takano shook his head vigorously, smacking his forehead repeatedly.
'…I'm in love with you…'
Will it ever be enough?
Takano opened his eyes, sitting up in his bed. He held the side of his hair depressingly. Ritsu must've loved him so much; the way he blurted it out. It was wrong to ask such a disrespectful question…
But how to apologize? He'd never answer his phone. Text him? No, saying sorry should be face to face. Takano threw off the blanket, and made his way off the bed. He picked up his shirt from the floor, and headed drunkenly towards the front door.
Ritsu lay in bed crying barely controllably. He snuggled himself into the blankets, sniffling and wiping his eyes every few minutes. He stared at his phone, waiting for Takano to call and try to apologize. Because there was no way he was going to apologize. No way.
Ritsu flipped opened the old journal that lie next to him open, reading a later entry to himself.
Dear journal,
I'm so, so, so crazy-happy, stupid. Really, I am. Our hands touched today…But even though I've been planning what to say for three years, I said the dumbest possible thing…
"I'm in love with you Senpai." Yes, I blurted out my confession. Journal, call me retarded, or childish, but I am just…ugh. Out of all the things I could've said, I confessed.
But even though this was our first time ever actually having a conversation, let alone looking directly at each other, he accepted me. But he was just joking, right? I mean, he ruffled my hair and said that he didn't mind going out with me, but…
What does this mean?
Do I avoid him? Do I run away? Do I hang out with him? No, I should just ask. Oh, but journal, I'm so happy. But I'm so nervous. Could he ever really love someone like me? Is that even possible? And if he does fall in love with me, how long will it last?
Temporary bliss? I can't say. All I know is I want to be with him. Forever and always. Just to be by his side, even if he doesn't care like I do. I don't deserve him…But I want to try to be good enough…And I will be! I promise journal! I'll make him fall in love with me! I'll savor every moment with Senpai.
I swear it on my life.
-Ritsu Onodera
Ritsu sighed, tossing the journal away. He stood from his bed, making his way to the bathroom. Though Takano checked his stuff regularly, he never knew about this particular hiding spot. Ritsu pulled out a bottle of pills, opening it to expose the pain killers.
'I don't deserve him'
Ritsu shook the thought away, and stared at the pills. He sighed, knowing that even when he started therapy, and Takano took all of his medication away, he never stopped taking them. When he tried to stop, which lasted about three days, he was in unbearable pain. He was constantly vomiting, he couldn't sleep, he constantly had the chills, and his body was always shaking in immense pain.
But just taking the pills wasn't enough. So he developed a different method for a better high…
Ritsu pulled out a few pills, setting them on the counter. He put the bottle away, making sure it's hiding spot would never be exposed. Ritsu left the bathroom with a set of pills, heading towards the kitchen for his task. He pulled out two spoons, setting the pills onto one, and crushing them with the other.
After a few minutes of perfecting this, he excitedly pulled out a bill, rolling it and putting it to the crushed pills.
Just one line wont hurt.
Ritsu sniffed up some of the crushed pills, holding his nose for a second, and then doing another. Moments of this was bliss. He felt better already. This was such a great coping skill he develop so long ago. It made sense to use it.
'..just to be by his side…'
Knock. Knock.
"Ritt-suu, upen up tha duuurrr.." Takano whined from outside, practically banging on it. Ritsu rolled his eyes, and turned his attention back to the rest of the pile of crushed painkillers.
Is he drunk? ...Shit, I need another.
Ritsu snorted more, trying to give his energy to his high, not to his drunk neighbor. Takano whined some more through the door, muffled and angry. Ritsu finished up his task, feeling the rush of adrenaline throughout his body.
"Riittt-ssuuu…Rit-ssu, pleassse." Ritsu stood subconsciously for a minute, completely out of his mind at that point.
He found himself putting the two spoons away, then striding to the door through his half empty apartment. He sniffled a few times, wiping the remaining tears from his cheeks, and opened the door. A very drunk Takano stood, holding onto the door frame for support. Ritsu stared at Takano, but felt nothing but his body reacting to his immense, pleasurable, painful high.
Ritsu sniffled again, holding his nose for a brief moment, then taking it off again. Takano stumbled in, mumbling something inaudible. Ritsu closed the door, not really knowing what he was doing.
"What do you want?" Ritsu half-heartedly asked. He sniffled again, and brushed his hand across his nose. Takano took off his shoes, and gave a immediate, drunk response.
"I c-can't s-sleep.." He mumbled, holding the side of his head. Ritsu let out a sigh. Both full of relief and annoyance. Takano pulled Ritsu into a tight embrace, nuzzling his face into his neck. "I miss you too much." He spoke without thinking. He hadn't been this drunk since his college days. "Come to bed." He spoke, hiccupping in between.
Before Ritsu could give any response, his eyes began to roll back; the high was finally hitting him. The room started to spin around, and Ritsu gripped his hold on Takano.
Takano took Ritsu by the mouth, slipping his tongue into it. Ritsu didn't protest, he was in too much pleasure at this moment. Two sweet sensations he loved the most. Though one more than the other…
But which one did he love more?
Pleasurable, painful high? Or painful, pleasurable, love?...
Ritsu squeezed his eyes shut at the sudden nostalgic moment, forcing a far away voice out of his thoughts.
'you're twisted Ritsu…just fucking twisted…'
I'm sorry, this probably sucked ass...:( Thank you for reading. Please review or inbox me, let me know what you think! Next chapter will be up next Friday! Until then!
-jandixjunpyo
