What Is and What Isn't
So thou through windows of thine age shalt see,
Despite of wrinkles, this thy golden time.
But if thou live, remembered not to be,
Die single and thine image dies with thee.
-William Shakespeare, Sonnet 3
Tory rubbed her eyes tiredly. She looked down at the files before her, trying to find a connection between the victims. Other than the fact they'd all been targeted by Scylla, there was nothing to be found in common for all four victims. They were all of different nationalities, different religions, ages, genders, occupations. What frustrated her more was the deviation in the latest attack. What did they gain from shooting at the cops? It just didn't make sense. Tory growled lowly, turning to look at the clock.
It was already 5, she'd have to go pick Grayson up soon. Or maybe it was Ben's day to pick him up, she thought absent-mindedly. Spying the non-descript book poking out of her bag, Tory fished it out, opening to the page where she'd left off. Images of hands forming letters stared back up at her. In a matter of mere days, Tory had learned to sign the entire alphabet and some basic gestures. Through sheer willpower if nothing else. Still, just like the case, her progress frustrated her. Her head felt clouded.
The door to the lab opened and Tory swiveled in her chair, shoving the book back into her bag quickly. Ben stepped inside, holding out a coffee cup to Tory.
"Oh my god. I could kiss you," Tory sighed.
She made grabby hands at the cup, moaning in pleasure when she took a sip. She couldn't even blame her college years for her caffeine addiction. Ben chuckled, looking at her over the rim of his cup, all dark lashes and dark eyes.
"You won't get any complaints here," he commented drily, giving her a crooked grin. Tory flushed.
He perched himself at the edge of her desk and looked down at the files on her desk, shifting aside photographs from previous crime scenes. Tory's stomach twisted at the sight of the grisly images.
"I can't find anything in common between the victims. There's no correlation in any of their backgrounds. The only thing they seem to have in common was being targeted by the group," Tory frowned, glaring at the files as if trying to intimidate them into giving her the answer.
"Well, what about the livers?" Ben asked. Tory blinked at him.
"What about the livers? They're gone."
Ben looked at her then, raising a brow.
"What if what the victims had in common was the livers? Did you check if they have any shared history of liver problems?"
"Of course, I checked but I didn't find…" Tory trailed off as something occurred to her.
Cursing, she flung herself off her chair, going to where the medical files of the victims were kept. Stacking them in her arms, she took them back to the table, spreading them. Ben put his cup down, helping her match the files with each victim. She scanned the medical history of all the victims, her mind discarding theories and possibilities as she went off. From the corner of her eye, she could see Ben watching her.
"What are you thinking?" he asked after a moment of silence.
"How did I miss this?" she murmured to herself. Snatching a near-by post it, she scribbled something quickly and posted it to the file. Drawing herself up, she handed the file to him.
"What exactly is hepatitis cirrhosis?," Ben asked.
"Medical term for scarring of the lungs. The victims all had the same qualifying symptoms on their latest checkups but only two were diagnosed out of the four. What concerns me is how the group knew this information. Medical records aren't accessible to the public," Tory emphasized, meeting Ben's eyes.
Ben looked at her grimly.
"So Scylla has an insider at the hospital."
Tory nodded her head, gaze burning holes into the files on her desk. Gotcha.
She reports her findings to the Chief, who promptly puts in the call to get the records of every hospital employee. They can't do anything till the files get in so in the end, they wait till the shift ends and head home separately, Ben going to pick up Grayson.
Tory is done with dinner by the time the boys come home, having tried out one of the recipes Whitney had taught her long ago. They never came out as good as Whitney made them, which irked Tory to no end, but they were still pretty tasty. The first time Whitney had offered to teach her was shortly after the wedding. She remembered feeling angry because her mom should have taught her those things but that wasn't Whitney's fault. It was actually one of the only activities they could do together without clashing, even after all these years.
Tory frowned, looking down at the plates in her hand. A fierce ache clenched her heart. She missed Whitney and Jackson and Kit, her Kit, the one who was happy and young.
She left the food to cool and flopped onto the couch. Looking around the living room, she made a face. They really should have finished unboxing the rest of the things.
The slight pop was the only warning Tory received when Karasi appeared beside her. She jumped in her seat when she noticed her, swallowing the shriek that lodged itself in her throat.
"Stop doing that!" Tory glared. Karasi ignored her, beaming at her knowingly, gray eyes twinkling.
"How are you, my dear child? Are you enjoying your glimpse?"
Tory snorted derisively, melting back into the couch.
"So you mean you're not constantly watching my every move?" she asked drily. Karasi feigned ignorance, standing up and looping around to the other side of the couch.
"Of course not. Wouldn't want to catch an eyeful," Karasi replied, throwing Tory a sly grin over her shoulder. Tory sputtered a protest, turning red.
"Oh hush. It was a joke, you silly child," Karasi waved her hand. Tory remained unamused, watching as Karasi dug a photo album from the depths of one of the boxes.
"I had hoped you would have looked at this much sooner," Karasi continued, handing the album to Tory with wrinkled hands. Tory looked down at it, caressing the leathery surface, too afraid to open it for fear of what she might find. She looked up at Karasi, meeting ancient eyes.
"Is what I'm supposed to learn in here?"
"Mayhaps," Karasi shrugged. Tory looked down at the album and when she looked up again, Karasi had disappeared. Tory was really starting to hate her cryptic visits.
She left the album on the table, promising herself that she would look it over later. Finding the room unbearably stuffy all off a sudden, she opened the door to the backyard, a warm summer breeze greeting her. Stepping out onto the porch, she leaned against the railing and looked out over the neighborhood.
Her breath hitched as she considered the sheer insanity of this world.
This world, that looked so much like the Charleston back home, so similar yet so different. She had a family here, a life of her own and how strange it was to think that and feel nothing but pride. She would have never thought of children in her own world, not now but in this world, it felt natural. Not an obligation or a burden, just… natural. And Ben -
A small warm body crashed into her side and Tory blinked down in bewilderment, finding Grayson clinging to her legs. She hadn't even heard the door. Dismissing her moment of introspection, Tory swung Grayson up onto her hip and pressed a firm kiss onto inky black curls. The ache in her heart gave way to a sense of joy that Tory welcomed. As much as she missed her family back home, she wouldn't trade this experience for the world.
"Did you have fun with Linda, munchkin?" Tory asked, brushing back the hair from his face. Grayson nodded quickly.
"My reading is gooder!" he announced proudly, a little too loud for the proximity. Tory bit her lip to contain the smile. She'd noticed over the past few days that Grayson was significantly behind his age group when it came to his speech which wasn't too unusual with hearing impaired kids.
"Better," she corrected.
"She says if I keeps pratcing, I go to school. I wants to go!"
Tory's eyes flicker to Ben, who is striving for invisibility as he sets the table. She looked back at Grayson, finding him watching her with familiar green eyes. She reached up and tweaked his nose.
"You have to improve your reading and vocabulary then. Now go wash your hands," she replied, setting him down. He nodded, speeding off towards the stairs.
She swipes a hand down Coop's flank as she steps back into the kitchen. Coop paused in gnawing at the remains of the chew toy he had demolished only the day before, yapping at her and pawing at his food bowl.
She sets Coop's food and water bowl out, petting the wolf dog gently as he abandoned the ripped up chew toy and started to eat. He was getting old, she noted sadly, eyeing the silvery white hairs around his snout.
She turned back to the table, leaving Coop to eat. Ben doesn't say anything but it's obvious he wants to. Tory sends him a questioning look, surprised when he just shakes his head and mouths 'later'.
Grayson climbed into his seat, immediately launching off into a story about his discussion of school with Linda.
"... ands I can make friends at school until I gets a baby brother or sister," Grayson finished, stabbing at the potatoes on his plate and lifting the fork to his mouth awkwardly.
Ben coughed harshly, giving Tory a wide-eyed look. Feeling the tips of her ears redden, she ducked her head, taking a particular interest in her food. Grayson frowned at his plate all of a sudden, lips puckering as he thought hard.
"Where do babies come from?"
Tory groaned, palming her face and the kitchen fell silent. Ben's shoulders shook silently and a few moments later, a deep laugh bubbled out of him.
"Way... to open... that can of worms, Tor," Ben wheezed between laughs. Tory smacked her hands down on the table, glaring at him over the top.
"It wasn't me!" she exclaimed. Ben just laughed harder. Tory turned to Grayson, fighting to keep the smile off her face as Ben continued to laugh.
"Ask your father, Grayson."
Ben's laughter cut off abruptly.
After dinner and the hilarity that was Ben trying to talk his way out of explaining the birds and the bees to Grayson, Tory gave Grayson a bath and tucked him in. She's sitting on the edge of his bed, brushing a thumb over his cheek affectionately when he speaks.
"Momma, you smell sad," he whispers sleepily.
Tory's thumb stills, a sort of deep freeze traveling up her spine.
You smell sad. Smell. Sad.
Tory sucked in a breath, her mind processing what that statement meant. He had the parvovirus.
"I'm just sad because one day you're going to grow up and you're going to leave me," she lied, voice cracking as she thought that soon enough she would have to leave him.
"You get freckles if you lie, momma," Grayson responds quietly, green eyes watching her knowingly.
Pain lances through her heart as she thinks of all the times her mother told her as a child that her freckles would multiply if she lied. She tries to smile but her smile comes out wobbly as her eyes well up with tears.
"You're right, baby. Lying is bad," Tory whispers as she leans down to press a kiss onto his forehead. She ran her fingers through his hair, loving the softness of it under her fingers.
"Close your eyes and go to sleep," she tells him gently. Grayson hesitates and then bringing up one small hand, signs something. The message is simple enough but it fills her heart with warmth. Clumsily, she signs it back.
I love you too.
She takes the listening device from his ear as he settles into his pillow, one hand reaching for Coop who has already settled at Grayson's side.
Tory smiles, getting up from the bed and turning off the lights. She watched them in the filtered light of the night light. Boy and dog, forever bound. She closes the door behind her, leaving it only the slightest bit cracked.
Heading downstairs, she peers into the kitchen where Ben had been washing dishes. Finding it empty, she glances out into the backyard and catches Ben's dark silhouette sitting on the steps. Opening the door, she steps out into the warm summer night, settling down beside him. They sit there quietly in the darkness, both lost in their own thoughts.
"You could see a lot more of the stars on Morris," Ben comments, taking a swig of the beer in his hand. Tory looks up and finds that it's true. The night sky on Morris was full of stars, so far removed from all the light pollution. She'd spent so many nights looking up at them, admiring their beauty.
"Do you miss it?"
Ben shrugs. He hands her the bottle and she takes it gingerly, sipping at it. She makes a face at the taste and hands it back to him, ignoring the way he huffs a laugh under his breath. They lapse into silence once again.
"We agreed on no pre-school," he blurts suddenly, tone neutral and measured.
Tory hesitates and then nods because she didn't know the true extent of Grayson's abilities. Whatever Ben and her doppelganger had agreed upon, they hadn't done so impulsively. She had to believe that.
"He told me I smelled sad," Tory offers and it's a testament to her belief how quickly Ben turns to look at her. The question hangs unspoken between them. Are you? Are you sad?
Tory continues forward, wanting to avoid what she already knew to be true deep down.
"Still… he needs to be around kids his own age. He's lonely, Ben."
He remains silent, looking up at the night sky. Finally, he sighs and turns to face her.
"I'm guessing you have something in mind," he says in a way that makes it sound more question than statement. Tory smiles.
"Ella's still in charge running Peewee soccer, right?"
Ben looks at her incredulously then, arching an eyebrow. He nods thoughtfully and ducks his head to hide the smile on his lips.
"What are you smiling about?" Tory asks, amused by this shift in demeanor.
"Tory Brennan. Soccer mom extraordinaire," he snickers. Tory shoves him sideways onto the porch, scoffing indignantly.
"You're a child."
Ben grins and Tory rolls her eyes. Scooching closer to him, she reaches for his hand, intertwining their fingers. He brings up her hand to kiss it and her ring shines as it catches the light of the moon. She can't help but correct him.
"Brennan-Blue."
"I will kick you off this bed," she threatens sleepily, kicking half-heartedly at Ben's calf.
He hums softly against her the nape of her neck, warm lips skating over the expanse of it. His lips reach the spot just underneath her ear and Tory shivers, eyes squinting into the early morning light. She turns over onto her side, gasping when Ben leans in and slides his fingers into her hair, kissing her hotly, the taste of spearmint on his lips. Her heart is hammering inside her chest as she tenses for a moment before giving in to the temptation.
"Morning," he greets, pressing another searing kiss onto her lips, hands coming to rest at her hips. She groans in response, cupping the back of his neck as he licked into her mouth. Trailing her hand along the curve of his jaw, she brushed her thumb against his bottom lip as they broke apart to catch their breath. He rested his forehead against hers, his breath a puff of minty fresh air against her thumb.
She opened her eyes, chest heaving and heart pounding, taking in the red flush of his cheeks and the swollen puffiness of his lips. She met his eyes, just inches from her own and her heart skipped a beat. Leaning forward, she pressed a soft kiss to his lips, sighing contentedly when the kisses continued over her jaw and back down her neck. The hand at her hip came up, sliding up the curve of her shoulder and hooking into the strap of her tank top. Her breathing stuttered as he dragged the strap down her arm slowly, pressing kisses onto her bare shoulder and murmuring under his breath.
"One… two… three…"
Tory blinked, her frazzled nerves working to cope with the sensory overload, and then let out a slightly hysterical giggle when she realized what he was doing.
"Are you kissing my freckles?"
Ben hummed in response, coming back up to swallow her laugh in a kiss. She grins into the kiss, pushing at his shoulder until he's lying flat on his back. She presses a finger against the pulsating vein at the base of his throat, laughing when she finds he's just as affected as her. Pulling away, she rests her elbow on his chest, looking down at him.
"You should call in sick," she suggests, voice low and hoarse, the words slipping out before she can even think of what she's suggesting.
"Tempting but I already have the day off," he manages, fingertips running an electrifying path up and down her forearm. Tory is about to ask why when the door to the bedroom opens and Tory is attacked by a small ball of energy.
"Happy 'pendence Day!" Grayson cheers.
The impact leaves Tory breathless and acutely aware of the throbbing warmth against her thigh.
"Grays…" Ben warns.
Grayson scrambles off Tory, looking guilty when Tory sits up.
He signs his apology and Tory can't help but pull him into her arms and pepper kisses onto his face, loving the sound of his laughter. A sleepy Coop padded into the room and jumped onto the bed, making himself at home in the commotion. Ben groaned.
"No no no. Off the bed, mutt. Now," Ben waved. Coop glanced at him and bounded up the length of the bed, planting his ginormous paws on Ben's chest before leaning down and licking a wet stripe up the side of his face.
"Stupid mutt. Tory, I swear I will give him away," Ben sat up, manhandling Coop off the bed. He walked into the bathroom, muttering under his breath, hands cupped over his erection. Tory and Grayson giggled as the door shut behind him.
Still as moody as ever, Tory thought fondly.
Tory smiled from where she stood, watching Kit and Grayson on the beach searching for seashells.
Everyone had congregated on Morris to celebrate the Fourth of July. Already the sun was setting behind the trees, painting the sky with ribbons of red, purple, pink, orange and yellow. All of Morris and their closest relatives were here, milling around, eating and conversing. Whitney would have loved it. She never had liked the seclusion of Morris.
Shelton and Linda were in conversation with Shelton's parents who seemed to adore Linda, Lorelei particularly. Grayson - and by extension, Coop, who followed the little boy everywhere- had taken to following his grandfather around everywhere. Hi was basking in attention, flitting to and fro like the social butterfly he considered himself to be while Ben was talking to Hi's dad about some of LIRI's new programs. Tory took a sip of her Coke, a bubbly sort of warmth spreading through her body at seeing her family together. Most of them anyways.
Car lights flashed as a new car drove in, parking at the far end near the empty houses. Out stepped three people Tory knew quite well. Jason and a slightly showing Madison made their way into the party, being greeted by their friends, followed by a radiant Ella who spotted Tory instantly.
"Tory!"
Ella practically tackled her into a hug, kissing her cheek.
"I haven't seen you in like a week. Where have you been and why haven't brought me my favorite godson?" Ella pouted, eyebrows knitting together.
"He's your only godson, El," she mused. Ella waved a dismissive hand.
"Semantics. Tell Benjamin him and I will be having words. He can't hog you all to himself."
Ella, like Hi, hadn't seemed to change much save for the haircut she now sported. Instead of her usual long hair, Ella now wore her hair shoulder-length, the length of it framing her face and softening it.
Looping her arm in Tory's, Ella dragged her along, demanding to know everything she'd missed and for a moment, Tory was tempted to tell her the truth.
At one point in the conversation, Ella mentions that Chance is still in Europe and Tory realizes that she hasn't thought of him since she came to this world. Her eyes wander back to Ben, nursing a Coke, dark eyes shining in amusement at something Jason was saying. She tries to dredge up some sort of guilt but the sentiment fizzles up within her like a flame without oxygen. She shoves the thought away and focuses on what Ella is saying.
The rest of the night follows in a similar fashion. Hi drags Ella away and Tory finds herself talking with Madison which was still pretty awkward to say the least but a lot more natural than their interactions on her world. Which made sense, considering how close Ben and Jason were now that they were partners on the force. Tory was just glad she hadn't seemed to want pregnancy tips or something because Tory wouldn't have known what to say.
She's sitting on the steps of their old unit, eating a hot dog, when Linda sits down beside her. Tory had accosted Shelton the first chance she'd gotten and dragged the details out of him, pleased to discover that barring a minor freakout, Linda had taken the news well.
She eyes her now, eating her hot dog slowly to gauge Linda's mood. She really is quite beautiful, Tory thinks as she examines her profile. High cheekbones like Shelton, arching eyebrows, soft brown eyes, a kind smile and a dark complexion. Abruptly, Linda turns to her, searching for something in Tory's face. Whatever she finds, she seems to accept.
"You know, I really thought Shelton was crazy when he told me that he had wolf DNA infused into his DNA… and then he showed me his eyes, the ones when you flare, that's what he called it. Flaring… He told me how it happened but I'm just having a difficult time wrapping my head around all of it. It sounds like something from a sci-fi movie," Linda rambled, her hands twisting and untwisting in her lap. Tory didn't need to flare to know she was nervous.
"Imagine living through it," Tory huffed an incredulous laugh. Linda turned sympathetic eyes on her.
"I can't imagine that constant fear of being found out…" she trailed off.
"You seem to be taking the news well," Tory pointed out. Linda smiled, eyes searching the crowd for Shelton.
"I love him and it's a part of him, of who he is. How could I not accept that?"
Tory couldn't contain her grin.
"Where do you come from again? Do you have any sisters? Because let me tell you, Hiram is a lovely person," Tory joked. Linda laughed.
"I don't think that's something you have to worry about," Linda replied. She followed Linda's line of sight to where Hi sat with an arm draped around Ella, eating french fries off her plate. Tory's eyebrows hiked into her hairline. Huh. That wasn't any different from how they acted back in her world and she hadn't ever thought of it in a romantic nature. Tory saved the thought for later reflection.
"Can I ask you something?"
Tory nodded.
"Does… does Grayson have it?" she whispers.
Tory's head whipped towards her, a momentary spike of panic running through her. She doesn't know how long she sits there, scrutinizing Linda, before she nods slowly, her heart pounding an unsteady beat in her chest. She turns her eyes back to the crowd, finding Grayson sitting on Shelton's lap near Hi and Ella, eating cake messily. Far behind them, almost hidden in the shadows of the night, Ben and Kit seemed to be deep in conversation.
"He can't control it either. That's why you and Ben won't enroll him," Linda says, more to herself than Tory. "I always wondered why you were both so against it but… It's scary trying to protect someone from something they don't even understand."
Something about the way she says it makes Tory think she's speaking from personal experience. She looks away, startling a little when Linda reaches for her hand.
"If you need anything, just ask."
"I'm glad Shelton found you," Tory says sincerely, giving her hand a squeeze. Linda patted her hand and stood up, dragging Tory along.
"Now I don't know about you but I want some cake."
They joined the others, Linda squeezing in next to Shelton and taking some of the cake Grayson offered her.
Tory sat down beside Audrey, Kit's girlfriend, hoping desperately that she wouldn't try to start a conversation with Tory.
While Tory was sure that Audrey was perfectly nice, she was almost glad that she wouldn't be around long enough to get used to her. Even talking to her felt like betraying Whitney. Which now that she thought about it, had been the issue with Whitney in the beginning as well.
She took a sip of her Coke, eyes landing on Jason and Madison who were heading their way.
"I didn't realize this was the VIP zone," Jason greeted.
"Yeah but only for Morris Islanders so you're not allowed, buddy," Hi replied, not unkindly.
"Ella and Linda aren't Morris kids," Jason pointed out, sitting opposite Hi and Ella, Madison settling beside him.
"That's where you're wrong, Taylor-san. They are honorary members," Hi leaned forward in his seat.
"So how do I become a honorary member?"
"You either marry in or you're appointed godparent," Shelton cut in, ticking off two fingers. Jason turned to Tory.
"Sorry Tor but everybody knows police partnerships are like a marriage," he shrugged and Tory rolled her eyes as Hi snickered.
The tell tale crack and whistle of a firework distracted her and soon everyone was on their feet watching the fireworks display overhead the Charleston harbor.
She searched the crowd for Ben, catching him coming out of his old unit. He came to a stop at her side, the skin around his eyes tight with anger.
"You okay?" she whispered.
Ben ground his teeth, a muscle in his jaw jumping. She slipped her hand into his, giving it a squeeze. He tensed and then relaxed at her side, releasing the anger in a breathy exhale. They watch the fireworks in silence, hand in hand. In her chest, her heart is beating a dangerous tune.
It's late when they arrive at home, Grayson having fallen asleep on the ride home. Ben carries him in, Coop shooting past them upstairs.
She catches sight of the album on the table where she'd left it last night. Plopping down onto the couch, she drags it towards her, feeling particularly tired in that moment.
The first photo was the very picture Tory had found in her room back in her own world of the four of them on the first day of school. Suddenly suffused with the desire to see the life she'd had here, a life so different from her life back home, she sunk further into the cushions as she flipped through the album.
There were a few others of the four of them throughout the years- things like photobooth reels, group outings, graduation pictures- and Tory's eyes sting with tears as she longs for those days.
After that, the photos became more personal, usually of her- the other Tory- and Ben. Wedding pictures with a radiant-looking Tory and a joyous Ben, the love between them so pronounced even on paper. She skimmed her fingers down one of what appeared to be their honeymoon. There were others of course, some downright silly.
There was one where Tory was looking off to the side at Ben, laughing at him. Ben, on the other hand, was scowling, wearing some cowboy hat and a pink feather boa, Shelton and Hi behind him holding up two fingers. And then there were the pregnancy pictures. Looking at those, Tory had the urge to slam the book closed and run away from it as far as possible but she steeled herself and continued. She passed the pictures of when Grayson was born, multiple shots of different people holding him. A proud Kit. A teary Shelton. Ben crying and Tory herself, looking tired and proud. Ella and Hi, sitting close together and looking down at the bundle in Hi's arms.
There's one of Ben's first day at the precinct, Jason in his own uniform at his side laughing shyly. Much more of Grayson, from his first steps to his first tooth and then some more recent. It was everything that was and wasn't.
Reaching the end, Tory found a newspaper clipping of an obituary. Opening it, she read it quietly. The clipping fluttered to the floor, followed by the envelope of photos of the only person not in the album. Whitney.
She was dead. Had been for years. Just shortly after Tory's college graduation. Grayson wouldn't have known her because she had died long before he was even conceived. She hadn't even seen Tory marry. Whitney had been such a part of Tory's life since her mother's death and no matter how much Tory had wished it otherwise back then, now Tory wouldn't have traded her for anything.
Her shoulders shook as her mind dredged up the memory of the look on Kit's face when she'd mentioned Whitney. Oh god, Kit. Tory hiccuped, tears blurring her vision. Suddenly, she was pulled into someone's chest. Ben. He ran a hand down her back, shushing her and whispering consolations into her ear. Tory's crying doubled.
This wasn't home, she thought. This wasn't her Ben, her world. The Hi and Shelton here weren't her Hi and Shelton. The Kit here wasn't her Kit. Even Grayson, as much as she wished he was, wasn't hers.
This wasn't home.
NOTE: Sorry for the wait! I honestly had so much fun writinf this chapter so I hope you guys enjoyed! Until next time.
