Hey, guys. It's been a long week for me. On Tuesday morning, my family put down our aged Golden Retriever, our family dog of 12 years. It was a sad day for us. But it was a peaceful process. She went very softly. But it was still a really hard day for me. I don't think I stopped crying for most of it... I skipped my three classes, in order to take a day off, then had full days of classes Wednesday through Friday. I'm taking 17 credits, which is keeping me very busy. I don't know what possessed me to take College Composition II, Speech, Geography, AND Biology all in one semester... I'll do my best to continue to update for you guys, assuming I don't have trouble with writer's block or being busy. If I do, though, it probably won't be weekly, but I'll try to meet my deadline as much as I can.
Thank you to luzma for the new feedback. I've never gotten a review in another language before. That's really neat. (I'll admit it, I had to translate it to know what you said, but it was still really cool, I'd be OK with you doing it again.) :) Sorry I can't reply, but it's anonymous, so I can't. :( Also thank you to flabbygeek for the feedback. Here is chapter 3. It will be just as intense, so be prepared.
Chapter 3— Look Where We've Come To
Trailing only a few steps behind, Ziva could practically feel the anger and heat radiate from the forensic scientist. It sent chills through her body, which she quickly squashed, replacing them with feelings of utter frustration with Abby. It was difficult to tell which woman was angrier, more resentful, or more dangerous at the moment. Neither had slept the night before and both looked terrible, makeup all run and hair a mess, and both could barely keep their eyes open.
"Abby," Ziva said, as she followed the scientist back to her lab. But Abby did not turn around or even acknowledge that Ziva was following her. "Abby," Ziva said, louder. Abby still did not look at her. Still, Ziva did not stop pursuing her. "Abby!" she finally shouted.
"What?" Abby yelled, whirling around suddenly, as they entered her lab and the doors beeped as they slid closed behind them.
"I know it is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but regardless of whether I need to or not, I feel like I owe you an apology," Ziva said firmly, but evenly.
There was another long moment of silence, then Abby said seriously, firmly, "Well, you're right." Ziva's eyebrows rose with surprise. "An apology is the last thing I want to hear from you right now."
"Gibbs says it is not against the rules for friends and family to apologize to each other," Ziva said quietly. "I am sorry for what happened. Please do not think that I do not care, because I do."
"But you know, right now, Ziva, I don't consider you my friend," Abby said loudly. She turned to her computer and proceeded to type furiously. "So I say, screw the rule. Apology not accepted."
"Abby, what happened was not my fault," Ziva said firmly, louder. "I know I held the gun, but I did not shoot Tony intentionally. It was an accident. Still, I am apologizing to you about it. I know you cared for him a great deal, probably second only to Gibbs, which is not to say I did not care for him. Clearly, you have something to say to me or you would not be being so antagonistic toward me. Go ahead and say it."
Abby placed her hands on her hips, pivoted around, then narrowed her eyes and said, "OK, fine, but you asked for it." Ziva stood, waiting for the fireworks. "I realize it was an accident, Ziva. But unlike some, I have been so busy trying to do my job that I have had no time to process anything or just grieve, except in the hospital. Tony was my best friend and I already miss him so much, and he has been gone barely a week. So please leave me alone for a while, so I can have some time to be alone, angry, upset, whatever, and to place blame where I want it. Then I will be able to move on, on my own time. Then maybe we can start getting back to the way things were," Abby said coldly, scowling at her.
With the truth finally out, the argument suddenly came to a halt. The two women stared at each other, Abby still with anger, Ziva with exhaustion. Ziva swallowed hard, then nodded twice.
"Very well," she said softly, then she left the lab. She had made her decision.
Abby woke at Noon on the morning of the funeral. She felt terrible for not already being down at the funeral home to help Gibbs and Ducky with funeral arrangements. She was also still angry at Ziva, following their argument the day before. She sighed and tried to slowly slip out of bed without McGee noticing. She had asked him to stay the night with her, though she only had one bed to offer. She couldn't bear to be alone the night before the funeral. Being alone the day Tony had died had been hard enough.
She turned the shower on full blast, and while it took a few seconds to warm, she took her hair down from the messy pigtails she put it up to sleep and slowly undressed. She let the shower's hot, heavy stream work out the knots that had developed during the last twenty-four hours.
Meanwhile, McGee woke up and heard the shower running. He lay silently on the bed, while waiting for Abby to finish up her shower, and listened to the birds chirping happily outside. While they were celebrating new life and sunshine and long days, he and everyone else he cared about and loved were facing death. They could not reason, therefore would never fully have to endure the death of loved ones. He knew Abby needed time to process everything that had happened and to get ready to go help work on the plans for Tony's funeral. He needed time, too, but of course he felt she needed him to be there for her more. He wanted to talk to her about how she was feeling before she went to the funeral home. He wanted to give her a chance to let go of all the pretensions and just blow off some more steam.
He heard her sobbing in the bathroom, then, feeling anger and frustration rise within him, he decided enough was enough. In a swift motion, he sat up and slammed his fists into the wall as hard as he could, breaking the skin on several knuckles from the impact. He ignored the trickles of blood and the pain from possible sprains and walked into the small bathroom. He found Abby wrapped up in a fluffy black towel, crying, soaking wet, and shivering. Ignoring sharp flashes of pain, he pulled her into his arms and held her as she cried. They sat in the floor of the bathroom for what seemed like hours, but in reality was about thirty minutes.
Abby finally calmed down and crawled out of McGee's embrace. He stood up first and offered his hand to help Abby up. She grabbed his hand and shakily stood up.
"Abby?" McGee asked, watching her carefully.
Abby hugged her arms close to her body. "I'm not sure I can make it through today, Tim," she said, her voice barely a whisper.
"Why not?" McGee asked gently, though of course, he knew the answer.
"Burying Tony makes it real. It means he's really gone."
"Abby, you don't have to be strong all the time," McGee said.
"Yes, I do, Tim," Abby said, looking up at him through tear-filled eyes.
"Do you want to talk about it, Abby?" McGee asked, his brown eyes staring into hers. Abby shook her head wordlessly. "Are you sure?"
"Tim, I know you are trying to help and it means more to me than you can ever imagine, but right now, I just don't think I can bear to talk about it anymore. Tony is dead. I wasn't there. Dammit, I wasn't there. Tim, if I had been there, I could have done something to stop it; somehow, I could have fixed this," Abby ranted, fresh tears streaming down her face.
McGee shook his head vehemently. "Abby, there was nothing anyone could have done. You're right, you weren't there, but you not being there was not your fault, either. You aren't part of our field team, not usually, you know. Your part happens in your lab. It was an accident. You can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders like that, especially when it was no one's fault to begin with. It's not good for you."
"You know, Ziva and I yelled at each other yesterday," Abby admitted quietly.
"No, I didn't know," McGee said, releasing his hold on her enough to allow her to look up at him. "What happened?"
"She followed me down to my lab and tried to apologize. But I was angry and upset and I didn't accept her apology. I blamed her for everything that happened," Abby explained. "I know it was the wrong thing to do, but at the time, I didn't care. I'm still not sure whether or not I've had enough time to process everything and come to forgive her, even though I know it wasn't her fault."
McGee nodded. "How you feel is understandable," he said. "We're all on edge. At least allow yourself time to think straight and get some rest. You've been working non-stop. Take a break. Then maybe you can consider talking to Ziva and maybe apologizing for what you said or just forgive her and let the argument go."
"That's good advice, Tim," Abby said quietly.
McGee smiled. "You know how long it's been since you called me that?" he asked her.
"A long time," Abby said, nodding. "Do you think things will ever be the same?"
"All in good time, Abby, just like getting a match," McGee said, "all in good time. You can't rush grief and healing, just like you can't rush science."
"Hey," Abby said suddenly, "you're bleeding."
McGee looked down at his hands. "Nah, it's nothing, Abby, don't worry," he said. "I'll wrap them later. Telling Gibbs will be the problem. I'm just worried about you right now."
Abby nodded. He pulled her into another tight embrace. They both stood there for a long moment, mentally preparing for the long day of decisions they would all have to make. At least they all would be able to make the decisions together, as a team, more importantly, as a family.
"So this is the mahogany casket, one of our most popular sellers. This one is a beautiful oak..."
The funeral director droned on, and although he would never outwardly show it, Gibbs was having a hard time focusing. This man was talking like it was easy just to pick everything out. Gibbs knew he was paid to make it sound easy and simple, but it made no difference to him. His best agent, his son, was dead, for God's sake. It was irrelevant what color the lining was, he was dead.
He, Ducky, Abby and McGee went throughout the day, picking out flowers (lilacs), what color lining the casket would have (royal blue, Tony's favorite), and what he was going to wear. Ziva could not been found, nor could she be reached on her cell phone. They decided without her on one of his best-looking, most expensive Ermenegildo Zegna suits and black dress shoes. They wanted to send him off in both comfort and style.
Afterward, everyone met back at Gibbs' house, just to all be together and eat. Finally, Ziva arrived and helped with the cooking. No one questioned her about where she had been. She and Abby still were not speaking to each other. Dinner was mostly an awkward, sad, silent affair.
Tony's funeral that afternoon went by in a blur. Abby, Ziva, and the other attendees watched solemnly as the pallbearers, including Gibbs, McGee, Ducky, and a few of Tony's college friends carried the casket up to the altar, then returned to their seats. Before sitting down, Jimmy placed the American Pie coffee mug, Ducky the Mighty Mouse stapler, and Ziva the letter opener in the casket, to be buried with Tony. Abby also placed his IPod in his casket; she had kept the CDs from Gibbs the day before. Gibbs went up last and placed his knife, but kept Tony's as a remembrance.
Ziva's eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot from crying. She stood close to the rest of the team, but still kept a slight distance of a few feet. Abby was sobbing uncontrollably, pressed close against McGee's chest, their arms wrapped tightly around each other. He stared long and hard at the casket. Gibbs' face was shining with tears shed for his late colleague, protégée, friend, and son. He had barely spoken all morning.
When it was time, Gibbs got up to deliver the eulogy. After allowing himself a few seconds of silence, he inhaled deeply, cleared his throat, and began to speak.
"People come into and go out of our lives for a reason," he began. "We may not know or know or understand why right away, we may never know. It's difficult when they leave our lives too soon, like Tony did. Tony didn't come from an ideal past, but if you didn't know him as well as some of us do, you couldn't tell. He tried his best not to let it affect how his life became, how he turned out to be. He was like an annoying, incorrigible big brother to some of us, like a son to some of us, and a friend to so many others. He kept us young with all his movie references, his goofy attitude, a lazy streak, and if I may say so, a certain disregard for the rules," Gibbs added, smiling and looking at the crowd.
A chuckle went around the room at this remark. Gibbs allowed himself a chuckle, then, choking back a sob that threatened to escape, went on.
"Though he was taken from us too soon, he left a handprint on our hearts— and an imprint on the backs of a few peoples' heads"— the team chuckled at this— "and really did make an impact on all our lives. His presence within the team and outside of N.C.I.S. life will be missed."
After Gibbs finished the eulogy, they all stood silently and listened to the pastor speak. When the pastor finished, the pallbearers carried the casket out to the hearse to the tune of "Smoke on the Water" by Deep Purple and a line of cars followed it to the cemetery, and the burial proceeded. Each attendee took a moment to walk up to the casket and lay his or her hand on it, pat it gently in acknowledgement, or gently run their fingers over its tan-colored smoothness. The attendees watched as Abby, supported by Gibbs and McGee, slowly walked up to the gravesite and placed 10 roses in front of the headstone, one from each member of the team, including Director Vance, and three from Gerald, Cassie Yates, and Doctor Brad Pitt, who also attended.
Abby placed her rose last, then crouched down next to the headstone. Tears streaming down her face, she kissed her fingers, then pressed them to the headstone and whispered softly.
"We love you. Bye, Tony."
Reviews are encouraging to let me know what you guys thought. Thank you. If all goes well, I'll update again in a week. I'm still working on chapter 4, as it's a rather complicated chapter, but I'll do my best. Please understand if I don't post an update by exactly a week from now. Thank you.
Renthead07
