Never such innocence,

Never before or since,

as changed itself to past.


There are moments in his life, that he can pinpoint as the moments that defined him. Changed him. For the better, and for the worse.

The day his father died. It's the reason he's responsible, take-charge. A leader. It wasn't his choice, it was a necessity.

The day he got into med school. It made him confident, in himself. He believed he could do anything, be anything.

The day he met Addison. It made him realise not everything was in his control. Sometimes things happen before you know it. You fall in love with someone you've just met , and it can change your life completely.

The day they married. It made him believe in forever.

The day it all ended. It made him stop beleiving in forever.

The day he met Meredith. It taught him about second chances.

The day he saw Zola. It made him want to be a better person, for her.

He has a premonition that this is going to be one of those days.

"Derek? Derek!" Meredith's tinny voice is still issuing from the phone as he composes himself enough to form a coherent answer.

"Book the flight as soon as you can."

"You're leaving." Addison observes.

"Yeah,something with Zo-" he realises she has no idea about his life now, just like he has no idea about hers. "Addison,I'm sorry, but you're going to have to tell me right now. Please. I have an idea, of what it might be, but I know...I know you wouldn't keep something like this from me."

Would you?

The old Addison,the one he knew and loved; she wouldn't have.

This new Addison,standing in front of him hard-eyed and silent? Maybe.

"Like this?" she asks slowly, eyes glittering. "What exactly do you mean by like this."

"I- shit." his phone is ringing again.

"Tell me, Derek." Always impatient,always demanding.

"Give me a minute."he snaps,and she turns away. "What is it,Meredith?"

"Nothing," she sounds offended by his tone."The flight's in two hours,thought you'd want to ,could you get down here please? She's driving me crazy..."

He puts it on vibrate this time and shoves it in his pocket. "Addison?"

"Don't you need to leave?"

"You don't plan to make this easy,do you?" he says drily, settling into a chair and preparing to have his heart blown to pieces. "Shoot."

And he does have his heart blown to pieces,but not by the person he expects, and now by the news he expects.

There's a commotion in the hallway, a squeaky voiced nurse yelling you can't go in there and Addison's eyes widen, she slams out of the room, the door swinging shut behind her, and it muffles the voices outside, but he's pretty sure it's Addison and a man, and the nurse who was yelling earlier.

He opens the door, wishing immediately that he hadn't.

Seeing them together, so close, it's like that night all over again, and he feels familiar rage pounding through his veins.

"You called him." Mark sounds... defeated.

"I didn't, I swear I didn't. He came for Carolyn."

"You told him?" Mark asks,his fingers wrapped tight around her arms.

"No."she whispers,and the look that passes between them is tacit.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he asks Mark, annoyed; why does he always have to turn up where he's most unwelcome and unneeded?

"Addison, find a pair and strap them on. Get it over with. There's no excuses this time." Mark says flatly,turning away and pushing through the doors Addison was guarding when he arrived.

"Addison?"

She's facing the doors Mark has vanished through, breathing hard, hands on her hips.

"Tell me,Addison, just tell me."

She whips around, eyes glittering strangely.

Fine. You have a daughter."


McDreamy, her foot.

He's still in New York, being nondreamy, while she's here in midair, circling over Sea-Tac, wondering what exactly Alex did to the judge to get him to review the case.

They went back and forth and in circles about this, the adoption. It was his idea, and she warmed to it slowly, mostly because Zola is, well,irresistible.

But it was his idea, and now he couldn't even be bothered to come play happy couples with her for the judge's benefit.

Carolyn would have been fine,she reasons, she had the Sisters Shepherd to take care of her. Not to mention Addison.

It's weird, right, that seeing Addison again should send her right back to her insecure pick me choose me love me intern self?

It shouldn't. She's a resident now, a good one at that, she's got the guy. They're married, for pete's sake,legally this time. They're adopting a freaking baby. They're building a McHouse.

And still, seeing Addison-as leggy and fabulous as ever- makes her feel like things are shifting. Sliding, slipping away.

He never came back from his stupid errand, just told her to book tickets and never showed. She boarded without him, hoping he'd show,but he didn't.

And now she's here,alone, about to be a mother.

"Circle any longer and we'll run out of fuel and drop right outta the sky." the man sitting beside her grumbles. "Boom."

"Dude, where's Shepherd?" Alex grunts, hefting her bag.

"Still in New York. With Mom."

"You're calling her Mom?"

"They all do!" she says defensively. "So does Addison."

"Addison was there? What was it, some sort of Shepherd family reunion? Don't think she'd be included, though..." he snickers, elbowing his way through the crowd as she trails behind him.

"Apparently she divorced Derek,not the extended Shepherd family." she rolls her eyes, trying to banish images of Addison being all cozy with her mother in law from her head.

They're married now. No reason to be insecure. Right?

"So," Alex clears his throat. "How is she, actually?"

Great.


It's surprisingly anticlimactic.

You have a daughter.

He'd expected tears, histrionics. Nothing.

Just that hard look in her eyes, mouth set firmly.

You have a daughter.

He feels his mouth open, and then shut; he seems to have forgotten how to speak. Or maybe he just can't think of anything to say , because really, what do you say to something like that?

"I." he manages, and Addison blinks in surprise. She'd probably expected yelling, and lots of it.

"Can I see her?" he asks,his voice so soft it surprises even him.

When he thinks of having children,all he sees is Zola's gummy smile,her chocolate eyes, springing curls ,not...he has no idea what this child of his even looks like.

She'll be beautiful though - say what you like about him and Addison, they're a chromosomal jackpot. They used to be teased about it all the time.

"Are you staying?" her voice cuts briskly through his reverie.

"Huh?"

"Are. You. Staying?" she enunciates carefully, as if he might be mentally challenged.

"I need to go." he stumbles. "Meredith, she said there's a hearing..."

"Is it more important than this?" she asks incredulously, sweeping a hand towards the door.

Of course she has no idea she's essentially asking him to choose between his kids. If he stays, they could lose Zola,and this time he's sure there will be no second chances.

If he leaves...

"I- if you're staying, the you can see her, Derek, I don't want that kind of instability in her life, never knowing if you're going to stick around or not." Addison answers him, and when he looks up at her she's fiddling with the thin gold chain around her neck, a nervous tic she's always had, and for some reason it sets him off.

"You want? What about what I wanted, Addison, did you never, in all these years, think that maybe I might like to know my child. Or that I even had one? "

"I'm sorry,"she whispers, but he's in no mood to listen to her justifications.

"And Mark? Who is he?" he stiffens as a new realisation dawns on him. "She doesn't think that he's-"

"No!" she exclaims, her head snapping up to finally meet his eyes," No,Derek, of course not, she doesn't kn-"

"Why is he here?"he demands, suddenly furious.

Why does he get to be here when I never had the chance?

"She wants him to be." she bleats pitifully, and she's barely any resistance at all as he shoves open the door and steps inside.

"Well," Mark says mildly from his place at the end of the bed. "Looks like we have a visitor."

He looks comically gigantic on the small bed, his hands rough against the daisy patterned bedspread, his feet propped on a tiny wooden chair.

But it's nothing compared to the elfin face tucked under his arm, the little person whose huge blue eyes skate over him and to her mother,standing helpless behind him.

"Mom, Mark's here. Look!" she says in a surprisingly clear voice that carries across the room.

"I know, baby." she smiles, moving past him to run a hand over her - their- daughter's head, tucking strands the same shade as her own behind her ears.

"And Mark got you a present." he hands her a small stuffed seahorse, and her face lights up in a grin; his heart constricts painfully at the tiny gap between her two front teeth, exactly like Addison's childhood photographs.

"Thank you, Markie." she looks past them at the intruder in her little kingdom. "Who are you?"

She's so...polite, her voice sweet,inquiring, but it hurts all the same. She doesn't know who he is. He's her father, goddamn it, and she doesn't know it.

"I'm-"

"-A doctor." Mark says smoothly,and Addison's eyebrows return to their usual place.

"Yeah,"he says weakly. " A doctor." It's true.

Her eyes narrow at the sound of his voice.

" You were yelling at my mom."

"We were just talking, Ro." Addison soothes, exchanging worried glances with Mark.

"I'm sorry." he says, taking a step closer and noting that Mark immediately tenses.

"Oh," the girl named Ro says, mollified. "I'm sorry if I was rude to you."

Jesus, who raised this child? Bizzy?

"You weren't." he assures.

She smiles distractedly, and her attention has wandered; she's tugging her mother onto the bed, so that Mark has to shift a little and drape his arm around both of them in order to fit, and they look so much like a family that he can't breathe.

"Is grandma okay?" she asks anxiously, looking at her mother, who is looking at him, half apologetic and half guilty.

"Yeah,sweetie,she's fine."

"Is she here?"

"No, she's on another floor. This is for kids only, remember? This is where I work now."

"Pediatrics." she says ,pleased with herself.

"That's right, genius."Mark grins,lifting her and sliding her down between her sheets,giggling and squirming. "How about you go to sleep and let your mom talk to the doctor?"

"I'm bored of sleeping!"

"Are you?" Mark says seriously."Oh,but sleeping makes your leg get better faster, and you know what that means..."

"Really?"she looks at Addison. "I can go riding when my leg is better?"

"All day,if you want." she kisses her flaming head. "Sleep tight, Ro."

"Story."she commands as they try to rise off her bed. "I don't have any books to read here,so you have to tell me one...please?" she adds the last word at her mother's expression, and he swears she bats her lashes.

"Sure thing."Mark sinks back onto the bed, pulling Addison with him.

"I'll...wait outside."he gasps, barely making it out the door before he collapses against a nurses station.

"Everything all right,sir?" a nurse asks him, concerned.

"Yeah," he pants. "Just fine."

He has a daughter, a daughter who looks about five years old, who is apparently incredibly smart and who likes riding (riding what?) and is more polite than most adults and who seems to read her own bedtime stories and is called Ro and who doesn't know he exists.

He sits there, heart pounding, breathing deeply, running through the possibilities.

She thinks he's dead. She thinks he didn't want her. She doesn't realise she's supposed to have two parents.

Although Mark's done a good job with the last one.

Addison told her he left. Addison told her he didn't want her. Addison kept his child from him - for six years .

His phone buzzes,once,in his pocket; a text from Meredith.

Where are you ? I'm leaving.

His fingers shake while he tells her he can't come, that his mother is worse than before. He lies. It comes easily.

He can still make it out before the hearing, which is in two days. If he leaves now...

There's a rack behind the Formica countertop, lined with charts. Just like they have in Seattle.

Except it's the middle of the night and no one is around, and visiting hours are over, although Addison seems to warrant special treatment.

And he's just a doctor, so he reaches over, casually, and rifles through the bulky plastic files under M but comes up empty handed

Oh.

Not daring to hope, he checks under S, and bingo, there it is. .

Shepherd.

The boiling rage subsides a little, his vision clearing enough to allow him to read the file.

Rosalyn Montgomery Shepherd.

Rosalyn. Ro.

He says it a few times,rolling the letters over his tongue, trying it out. Rosalyn.

She'll be five in a week. The 22nd of December, to be exact. She's O positive. Like him. No allergies. A broken femur; transverse left distal fracture, significant comminution.

He busies himself with the post op X rays, distracting himself. Surgical reduction, flexible intramedullary nails. Good alignment. He wonders if she likes to dance, or skate, or ride bikes. This will be devastating,especially with the holidays a week away.

Minor lacerations along the left arm and facial bruising. Minimal blood loss during the surgery.

She's fine. Is she?

Does she think about him? He knows what it's like, at school , on the playground. Kids notice. They ask, sometimes not nicely.

Where's your dad?

He wonders what story Addison's fed her. She's smart, she'll have asked. Maybe cried.

He wonders what Mark -Markie- is to her. What he is to Addison.

He wonders why no one-his own mother, for the love of god- has had no inclination tell him he has a child.

He wonders what the hell he's going to tell Meredith.


Flights suck.

This is the only coherent thought she has as she shuffles to the door, the sound of the bell ringing in her head.

"Janet. Uh, hello."

"Hello." her dark eyes take in the rumpled sweats, the tangled hair and last night's smudged eyeliner.

So not put-together mommy material.

"I'm sorry,"she says lamely, ushering her in. "We had to go to New York, Derek's mother was in an accident,and-"

"He's here,though?" she asks sharply, ignoring the offer of coffee.

"Uh. Not now,he isn't, he had to stay, but he might-"

"Might? He needs to be here now. There's another social worker coming in later to do a review, they're going over every aspect with a finetoothed comb, ,especially in light of your recent...issues."

"He's started another trial."she offers weakly.

That he won't let me touch and the FDA probably won't approve.

Janet restrains herself from rolling her eyes with seeming difficulty.

"You need to present a united front."

"We are!" she protests, hoping she doesn't sound too deranged. "We're married."

Married, although how seriously Derek takes that I don't know.

He left Addison after she screwed his best friend, which she only did because he was so obsessed with his career he forgot to notice his Isabella Rossellini lookalike wife.

And now she, who looks like ...well, like Meredith Grey, has potentially messed with his precious career and possibly had him permanently blackmarked by the FDA.

But as of now,they're married, and they want this baby.

"Well, I hope your husband can be here by the time the other social worker arrives." Janet sighs. "Although I was told he's a surgeon, not a pilot."

"He will...wait, when is this person coming."

"This evening." Janet says, already on her way out. "Get your husband here, . Zola deserves a home where her parents actually know if the other is coming or going."


"Derek."

She's standing in front of him, swaying a little in her heels, and Mark moves a bit closer, steadying her with his shoulder.

"How could you." he says,his voice rough.

"I'm sorry,"she whimpers. "But-"

"There are no buts, Addison, there is no excuse for what you've done. No excuses. How could you hide this for six years?"

Mark guides them into an empty exam room as far from Rosalyn's room as possible; wise, considering both their tempers.

He hates that he knows them so well.

He catches his sleeve as he walks past him into the room. "She did it for a reason, Derek, and you need to understand that. You need to hear her out. If you don't...you're done hurting her, just remember that."

And he shuts the door,footsteps fading away as he goes god knows where, and it's him and Addison in the room.

"I don't know where to start." Addison says softly, leaning against the wall furthest from where he's sitting with his head in his hands.

It's quiet, and dim, he can see more caricatured animals on the walls, smell sanitiser and disinfectant and the faintest note of roses and vanilla and something else that makes up the perfume she's worn for years and that he could never remember the name of.

He knows he'll remember this moment forever.

"Rosalyn." he says slowly."It's a pretty name."

She'd always preferred stronger, more androgynous names, back when it was a topic of discussion between them. It's surprised him that she's chosen something so sweet and obviously feminine.

"You like it?"

"Does it matter?" This silences her, and they listen to each other breathe for a while.

"Rosalyn Shepherd."

"Yes. Well, Montgomery Shepherd. But no hyphen."

"Middle name. Like you."

Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery. Bizzy didn't like hyphens. He'd teased her mercilessly in med school, they always had to downsize the font when they wrote her full name on roll sheets, marklists, certificates.

Later, she hyphenated ,Montgomery-Shepherd, and he'd been touched; now, he thinks it may have been another passive aggressive dig at her mother.

"Yes."

"She looks like you." He closes his eyes, recalling crystal blue eyes, crimson ponytails, pale skin, gap toothed smile.

"Yes."

"Stop saying yes."

"You keep asking questions and the answer to them is yes." she says,exasperated, and she kicks off her shoes and folds herself onto the counter beside the tongue depressors and lollipops. "Derek, we need to talk."

"Oh,no. The time to talk was about six years ago... the twenty-second of December,2006, if I read the file correctly. I don't want to talk to you. You can talk to my lawyer. Goodbye, Addison."

Without a word the men-leaving the gardens tidy

The thousands of marriages ,

Lasting a little while longer;

Never such innocence again.


I know, I know. You hate me. And Addison, and possibly Derek at this point. Don't. It'll be explained in the next chapter, I swear.

Also,surprise! Markie's here. I had to have him. Should he have a chance to narrate? Addison will be narrating, a lot, down the line, so I'm focusing more on Meredith and Derek right now.

Don't worry,this is NOT a Meredith bashing fest or a MerDer annihilation, it isn't really about any pairing at the moment.

Just stick with me please, and review,and I'll update and I swear it gets better soon.

Poem: MCMXIV, Philip Larkin.