Dunder Mifflin, Lima Branch
Author: mykindofparty
Summary: A glimpse inside Dunder Mifflin Inc. proves to be highly compelling when the camera focuses more on its employees' drama and less on… paper. There's Santana who's in love with Brittany. There's Brittany who's confused about her feelings for Santana, but engaged to Artie. And then there's Terri, the worst Regional Manager in Dunder Mifflin history. The Office/Glee crossover.
A/N: Thanks again for all of the awesome feedback! Seeing that you enjoy it so much really makes my day!


SANTANA: So it turns out that Terri's fine. She flinches whenever anyone mentions packing peanuts, but she took a few days off and now she's back. It's interesting because we were so much more productive when she wasn't here. Everyone took it upon themselves to make like a bread truck and haul buns; Rachel in particular. I, on the other hand, haven't made up my mind about whether I want to try to save this place. Decisions, decisions.


RACHEL: I dreamed about paper last night. Reams of it. Dreams of reams. That sounds like a fantastic song. That's amazing... I can hear the melody in my mind. I wonder if I could pursue a music career should I fail to save Dunder Mifflin Lima Branch. Or DuMi LiBra, as I like to call it. But wait – I just remembered – I never fail. There go my musical aspirations; it was just a pipe dream anyway. Ream dreams are much more realistic.


BRITTANY: Halloween's coming up soon and every year we wear our costumes to work. I decided I'm going as a peanut allergy so maybe Terri will avoid me for a whole day. It would be a dream come true. I wonder if I could convince my cat to come as Mr. Peanut. Nah… that would probably never happen. Lord Tubbington hates wearing the top hat I gave him.


(The parking lot, where Kurt has just arrived)

"Good morning," Terri greets Kurt politely as they both step out of their cars at the same time.

Kurt glares at her. She's been waiting for someone else to arrive for a while now so she doesn't have to walk into the building alone. "Hello," he responds tersely.

"How was your night?" Terri asks.

"Fantastic," he answers. "Spent a night on the town with my boy – boys. Y'know, my friends. The guys."

"Care to hear about mine? So the raccoon in my apartment…"

Kurt walks away, not even bothering to hide his disgust.


KURT: As it turns out, I'm not the only Dunder Mifflin employee suffocating in the closet. Blaine and I hit up this bar last night that's at least thirty minutes south of town and who did we see macking on some chick? Santana Lopez. And all I could think was, "That explains everything." But it makes me feel a lot better knowing I'm not alone.


SANTANA: I met a girl named Harmony at the gym. We've been on a couple of dates. We're going to dinner at my favorite restaurant tonight and then she's coming back to my place to watch a movie. It's the first time she'll see my apartment. Don't take this the wrong way, but she's the complete opposite of… of… who I'd normally be attracted to. But now that I'm dating someone I don't feel the pressure to avoid Brittany. Who says girls who like other girls who are engaged to guys can't be friends?


(The camera pans over the room, Rachel's busy on the phone)

"Santana, could you please join me in my office?" Terri calls from her doorway.

Santana moans, but reluctantly complies.

"I need your help," Terri, looking anxious, says as Santana shuts the door.

"You'd be better off calling animal control," Santana offers. "I don't have much experience with raccoons."

"What? No, I'm not talking about that. I've gotten used to him," Terri dismisses. "The quarterly sales report came in today. I'm frightened. I don't want to open it."

Santana pauses. "So you need me to?" she asks.

"Yes."

"And this is going to tell us whether or not we'll be out of our jobs?"

"Yes. There's also a note from Will's boss Sue and I don't want to read that either," Terri proclaims.

Santana looks over at Brittany at the reception desk.

"Wait," Santana says. "Before we open this, do you have any regrets? Anything you wish you could change? I'm asking as your employee, not your best friend. Just so we're clear."

"All I heard was regrets… blah, blah, blah… best friends," Terri says. "If you must know, I slept with Will a while back. And when he never called outside of work, I fell in love with him. I'm fairly certain I confessed this love when he took me to the hospital. Whoa, that felt good to get off my chest."

Santana blinks. "I meant like… did you ever regret firing someone or stealing staplers," she clarifies.

Terri shrugs and says, "Eh, not so much. Why? Is there some deep, dark secret you've concealed all this time? Aha! There is! You came to me about it because we truly are best friends."

"You know what, I'm going to read this at my desk and I'll come back when I get a grasp on the situation," Santana says as she moves to leave.

"But… you can't… I told you my secret," Terri says, frantic.

Santana takes a deep breath. "Okay. This may come as a huge surprise, but I'm also in love with someone who works for Dunder Mifflin."

Terri clicks her tongue. "Oh honey, I know Puck might say that he likes you, but trust me – that is not the life you want. Can you imagine waking up to that stupid hairdo every morning? Sure, a one night stand is one thing, but he's not the relationship type. Although he would make beautiful children."

"I wasn't talking about Puck," Santana whispers.

"Huh. Well… is it the new guy? What's his name? The nerd."

"Sam. And no. Definitely not. You're – you're never going to guess so we should just drop the subject, probably."

"No, you can tell me. I'll never tell another soul – I swear. Besides, if this truly is one of our last days working together as friends, then wouldn't you rather go out on a high note? No regrets, like you said," Terri pleads.

"It's Brittany," Santana breathes out, then rips open the envelope. "Terri, we are pleased to inform you that the Lima Branch is not closing. However, the Dayton Branch will also remain fully functional. Along with Dayton's Regional Manager, Holly Holiday, you have the last quarter of the year to prove that your respective branches can meet the financial projections," Santana reads.

"We – I – huh?" Terri asks.

"We will decide on a course of action then. Signed, Sue Sylvester," Santana adds before hightailing it out of the office.


TERRI: Brittany? Where the hell did that come from? And what else don't my friends tell me? What else can I find out? Hmmm… what's something that I could use in exchange for information? Ah, I have a plan.


(The ladies room, where Mercedes is primping)

"Kurt – what are you doing in here?" she probes, baffled, when he pops out of one of the two stalls.

"Don't judge," Kurt scoffs. "This one is way more sanitary than the men's room."

"Aren't you worried about getting caught?" Mercedes asks, genuinely concerned. "People will start snooping around if they find out you come in here all the time."

"Easy. Emma doesn't use public restrooms. Terri uses the one downstairs in the lobby because it's far enough away from here that we won't hear her during her 'morning meeting.' The same goes for April, except it's more so we can't smell her toxic poo rather than hear it. Quinn only comes in here to make personal phone calls. Rachel pees on the hour every hour, but I checked the clock before I came in. Lauren's a little unpredictable with her irritable bowel syndrome, but she last came in here approximately thirty to forty minutes ago. When I walked in it smelled like Pinesol so I figured it had been cleaned. Tina was easy enough to bribe. I found some weird picture of her dressed like a vampire. I dunno. I also bought Brittany off with a box of Dots. Dunder Mifflin's number one stunner, Santana, is in Terri's office right now probably listening to the delightful tale called 'The Rabid Raccoon Who Ate a Shoe' which I thankfully avoided this morning in the parking lot. Oh look at the time, I've said too much! Gotta go," Kurt says, leaving Mercedes flabbergasted.


MERCEDES: Things that I like about Kurt. He ain't a fool. He's almost as stylish as I am. He's about as gay as a purple piano covered in glitter and unicorns. But I hate that he has to suppress a lot of who he is at work. Corporate America isn't always so friendly to people who stick out like a sore thumb. Especially when your boss makes racial slurs all throughout sensitivity training.


KURT: It really does smell better in there. I think that's because Mr. Kidney, the janitor, drinks his vodka out of a teapot in the men's room. Another reason I prefer to go in the room reserved for the fairer sex is that Finn likes to whip his penis around – I'm sure you heard the story about the copy machine – and I'd feel like such a perv if I accidently caught a glimpse. Furthermore I don't think Blaine would be too happy.


(Terri's office)

"I've called you in here today because I'd like to make a deal," Terri says proudly.

"I already sold my soul down in New Orleans for some Mardi Gras beads, but thanks for thinking of me," April asks.

"Not like that. I have a vital document here in my hands. If you want to know the contents all you have to do is tell me a secret," Terri demands.

April mulls it over for a second before replying, "Oh. I see what you mean. Tit for tat – I've played this game before. All right; the secret is to bang the rocks together."

"No, April. A secret about you. I don't even know what the hell you just said."

"You didn't specify!" April argues. "So unless you want me to spill the beans about you and Mr. Boss Man gettin' it on like Donkey Kong…"

"I forgot you knew about that. Fair enough. Our branch isn't closing yet," Terri says dismissively. "You still have a job. Congratulations."


APRIL: Who do I need to talk to so that I can get paid in wine? Payroll?


SANTANA: Terri knows. Oh shit. Terri knows. And I'm the one who told her. What is this world coming to? Terri couldn't keep a secret if her life depended on it. Maybe she'll order some cashew chicken for lunch and all my problems will be solved.


(Warehouse, where the dock workers are taking a break to horse around)

Puck shoots the basketball and makes it, but passes it to Artie instead of taking another shot.

"Did you and Santana break up?" Artie asks, missing the basket by a wide margin.

Puck shrugs and answers, "Nah. Why?" He's gotten this question plenty of times before and he's an old pro at dodging a bullet.

"Brittany's been bitching about you lately. She said something about how you and Santana are on a break, but you were all over each other at the Dundies and she didn't know what that meant."

"We have a very open relationship," Puck brags.

"So that's why you and Santana don't live together?"

"That and my mom makes me waffles. Plus how weird would that be if I brought a chick home and my girlfriend was sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching reruns of The Golden Girls?"

"Dude. You have it made," Artie says, awestruck.

Puck grins. "Like no other, my brother."


PUCK: I'm excited for this weekend although Santana's being a total loser and going out with her new girlfriend instead of hitting the bars with me. But I doubt this chick will last long. They never do. Mostly because they have enough common sense to realize that she's head over heels in love with someone else. So that's why I tell Tana to bang some sluts. Sluts don't care about the past. They just care about their imminent pleasure, if you know what I mean. I didn't even help her find this new girl. She turned down all these bar sluts and met her at the gym. The gym! Do you know what that's code for? I'm in this relationship until we have sex. Then I'm dumping you and switching gyms.


(Reception desk)

"Hey. What was that about earlier?" Brittany asks Santana, who had left Terri's office earlier looking unusually pale.

"Oh – that? Nothing. Terri needed some advice about how to remove the raccoon odor from her apartment. I told her she should just move. It'd be so much easier than going out to the store and buying a bottle of Febreze," Santana jokes half-heartedly despite her internal conflict.

"You're so silly," Brittany replies. "Look, things have been kind of weird between us ever since you let it slip about Puck. But I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. Maybe we could try hanging out this weekend since you stood me up last time?"

Santana rubs her neck. "Tonight's off the menu. I have a date," she says.

"Oh really? Anybody I know?" Brittany asks innocently.

"Probably not. His name's… Matt," Santana lies.

"Matt Rutherford? The guy who used to work in payroll?"

"Yeah. Matt Rutherforth – I mean, ford. He uh – messaged me on Facebook a while back when I was still official with Puck and now that I'm single I decided to accept. You know – all the singles ladies put your hands up," Santana blurts out.

"I love that dance," Brittany says with a grin. "I used to do it nonstop before I got injured."

"Really?" Santana asks, and in an instant she's back to her old habits; fawning over Brittany's every word. "You should take it back up. I can tell you miss it."

"It's been so long. I'm probably rusty," Brittany admits. "Plus I don't know if my ankle is up to the challenge. I used to perform some pretty hardcore moves."

"Well, maybe you should take it slow. Ease into it. I mean, you wouldn't marry the first guy that you dated, right?" Santana says and Brittany's face falls. "Oh my God – Brittany, I am so sorry. I had no idea that Artie was… he was? Really?"

Brittany smiles unsurely. "He was – is – my first serious boyfriend. Fiancé, now. We started dating junior year of high school and after graduation I received tons of offers to dance in different troupes and companies. And Artie thought he was holding me back from living my dream so we broke up. Then I got hurt and had to come back here to Lima. He was the first person I called and… we've been together ever since."

"Oh." It's the only word Santana can say– and she does her best to maintain her composure.


SANTANA: What does having a heart attack feel like? Can you Google that for me real quick?


BRITTANY: That was the most thoughtful suggestion. I do miss dancing. It made me feel good. I haven't done something for myself in a long time - real life kind of got in the way of stuff like that. Oh, you wanted to do that segment called A Day in the Life of Brittany, right? Meet me by my car later and you can follow me and Artie home.


(Terri's office)

"Mercedes, you've been with Dunder Mifflin for how long?"

"Long enough to know what these meetings mean," Mercedes grunts.

"Exactly. What I have here in my hands is the quarterly sales report," Terri says for dramatic effect.

Mercedes sighs. "This is not a game show, Terri. You don't have to wait for a commercial break to tell me my fate."

"We have until the end of the year to outsell Dayton. I'm going to need all of the salesmen – sorry, women – to work together. Find new clients. Go on sales pitches. This is the only way for it to work. If you four keep stealing each other's clients then we're going to be out of jobs faster than you can say tater tots," Terri explains. "You can go now, but don't say a word to anyone."

Mercedes leaves.

"Crap," Terri mutters. "I suck at interrogation. I forgot to ask her for a secret."


MERCEDES: Terri's right about one thing. Rachel and Santana are damn idiots, always trying to compete. Santana does it to piss Rachel off, but Rachel is a different story. She wants vengeance. She wants blood. But what she needs is a straightjacket and a muzzle.


(Break room, the camera pans over to the microwave which has an out of order sign on it)

"Why won't this damn thing work?" April swears as she mashes all of the buttons at once.

"It's broken," says Emma. "Besides, what do you need it for? You're eating a sandwich."

"I like the noise," April coos. "It's soothing. I like to be relaxed during lunch and we're not supposed to drink on the job according to that red headed HR woman – what's her name?"

"Emma," she replies, curious to see where this conversation is headed.

April snorts. "Yeah, Emma. What a bitch. So, Terri, when did you dye your hair red? I could've sworn I saw you in your office earlier and you were blonde then."

"Are you sure you're not drunk?" Emma asks, not bothering to correct her.

"Is there alcohol in alcohol?" April slurs. "I'm kidding – I accidently took NyQuil instead of DayQuil. S'why I'm so drowsy."

"But you just said –"

April gives a lopsided grin. "Aw, loosen up, Terri. Will's never going to sleep with you again if you got a stick up your ass!"


EMMA: Does April frighten me? Yes. But a lot of things do. Germs. Hair follicles. Mud pies. Anything having to do with sewers. People with freakishly long toes. Paper cuts… which is a constant state of fear because, hello, look where I work. As for that little tidbit about Will and Terri –I really, really hope what April said wasn't true because I think he deserves better. Also, herpes is incurable.


APRIL: Did I know that was Emma? …Who's Emma?


(Terri's office, Rachel is called in)

"We're friends, right Rachel?"

"Of course! Best friends," Rachel boasts.

Terri holds up a hand. "Whoa, don't get carried away. Santana already claimed that title."

Rachel frowns. "That's a shame because I have this prank I've been planning for her and I could really use someone of superior intelligence and wit to assist me. But if you're not interested…" she baits.

"Me? I'm in. I'm in!" Terri says. If she's busy thinking about pranks, then she's less likely to spill Santana's secret. "When do we start?"

"All in good time, Terri. What is it that you wanted to tell me?"

"I forget," Terri says with a shrug. "Go back to your desk and don't bother me unless there's an emergency. I'm super tense and I need a nap. Being a regional manager is exhausting."


RACHEL: Remember when I said I had a plan that would make me the top salesperson? Well my friends, the time has come for Operation Munder Difflin. Yes, you heard that correctly. Here at DuMi LiBra, two things are always true. One, Finn gets those mini donuts out of the vending machine whenever he finds spare change in his car. They're totally bad for him, but he looks so cute when the powdered sugar sticks to his upper lip. And two, work is the last thing on Santana's mind. Always. Over the past month, I have been stealing away her clients one by one and she hasn't even noticed. I even changed the letterhead on her word processor to read Munder Difflin. The sale I'm working on now will expose her for the slacker that she is and likely get her fired.


(The main room of the office)

"Who used my computer to Google heart attack symptoms?" Brittany wonders aloud.

(Camera sweeps over to Sam and Quinn who are arguing)

"All I'm saying is that maybe it's a little soon to be meeting your mom. That's all," Sam whispers.

"But she's going to love you. You're blonde," Quinn replies. "Just be sure to wear a hat so she can't see your roots."


SAM: I've started to get into a routine around here. I'm used to waking up early and drinking coffee in the mornings like a responsible adult. I spend my weekday evenings praying with Quinn or going to Bible study with Quinn or being a volunteer cheerleading coach with Quinn. When the weekend rolls around I get so unbelievably shit faced that I can't remember my own name. Then comes Monday. And I do it all over again. Maybe I should date Santana instead. I hear that she and Puck are only sorta together. She looks like the type of girl who'd go after anything with a penis.


SANTANA: Sam said that about me? Hahaha. Wait, you don't tell anybody what I say in these interviews, do you? Okay, good. Because I'd end you.


(The break room, where Mike and Tina are whispering quietly and Lauren is eavesdropping)

"Come on, Mike," Tina insists. "When was the last time we actually had a good time on Friday night?"

"Panda hair," Mike responds casually.

Tina blinks. "What?"

"When my mom came over to the house and made us a pot of panda hair tea. It was fun. We played Scrabble and Pictionary with her and then made that conference call to my dad on his business trip."

"That was torture. Our lives are so boring that we're spending Friday nights with your parents," Tina sneers. "We need some excitement."

"I dunno, T," Mike hesitates. "The last time we tried to spice up our relationship you spilled all of that wax all over my abs and it stung my belly button."

Lauren sees an opportunity and decides to strike while the iron is hot. "Allow me. Tina, Mike. I've known you two for how long? Since our people were forced out of Transylvania?" she asks coolly.

Mike looks at her in disbelief. "Lauren, you know all of that vampire stuff is between you, Tina and the rest of the clan," he says.

"Yes, Mike, I am aware. I am also aware that your relationship is not nearly as perfect as it seems. Which is where I come in."

Mike looks skeptical. "We're not into threesomes," he states.

Lauren shrugs. "Not saying you are, not saying you aren't. But that's not what I'm offering. I'm an accountant. But I'm also an entrepreneur. I can get my hands on a few products that will turn your frowns upside down."

"Drugs?" Tina asks curiously.

"Sex toys."


MIKE: Lauren scares me, vampire makeup or not. So if she tells me to do something, I'm going to do it. And if Tina wants something, I'll find a way to give it to her. No matter how kinky.


LAUREN: I'll break into whatever business puts money in the bank and food on my plate. Introducing Mike and Tina to my adult entertainment business could prove quite handy in the future – like when this shithole closes for good at the end of the year.


(Terri's office, where the clock reads 4:45)

Brittany walks in with a stack of papers. "Terri? Have you been asleep all afternoon?" she asks when she sees Terri reclining in her chair.

Terri opens her eyes. "That's ridiculous," she says. "I have responsibilities, Brittany. Not everyone has it made like you with your fiancé and your car that's already paid off and your raccoon-free apartment. I had to make several very important decisions today and I learned things about people that I didn't care to know, like with Santana."

"Santana?" Brittany asks, surprised. "What about her?"

"I – uh – you – it's not my place to say," Terri stutters. "My best friend's secret is safe with me."


BRITTANY: Now I'm worried. Even Terri knows that something's going on with Santana and she referred to herself as Santana's best friend. That's impossible, but what can Santana tell Terri that she can't tell me? Let me make this one last copy and then we can go. I'll take you to mine and Artie's apartment and show you what our life is like outside Dunder Mifflin. I can think about Santana later.


PUCK: We had a warehouse guy lose his thumbs today. Apparently he nodded off while working the jigsaw… his name is Henri. Later tonight at the bar, while I'm gripping my beer mug with all five phalanges, I'll give a toast in his honor. Two thumbs up, since he's down two thumbs.


APRIL: I left my NyQuil lying around in the warehouse so I went back downstairs to get it and guess what I found out? It had a coupon for fifty percent off the next bottle! Oh and some man lost the ability to hitchhike.