Wow, thank you again for all the follows and fav-ings! I'm overwhelmed! I swear I will get Thorin hug all of you as a thank you. (Me: "Thorin, stop being a douche and do as I say!" Thorin: "No! I'm saving my hugs for Bilbo, and Bilbo only!")
Anyway, sorry for taking so long to update. This chapter was a real bitch for some reason. Chapter four has agreed with me a lot more, don't know why. Anyway, please enjoy. Many things are explained in this chapter. And please listen to "No Fear" from the film Swan Princess as you read this. It'll make it a lot funnier :)
Chapter three
It took about twenty minutes to make Legolas calm down. The transformation had been very painful, so naturally he was shocked, but in the end Bilbo had to sit on him to stop him fluttering his wings like crazy. When that had been done, they explained Legolas the best they could what had happened. Legolas would've cursed but there was no curse strong enough in any language he knew that would've suited the situation. Instead he threatened to peck Smaug's eyes out if the wizard came to ten yards' distance from him.
"I'm starting to like that elf", Bombur said when Legolas had finally calmed down and fallen asleep. He'd had a long day.
"Quite true", Bofur agreed. "And I'd very much like to see him peck Smaug's eyes off. That would be a delight to see."
Fíli and Bilbo laughed quietly and agreed. It would serve Smaug right. Then they went to sleep. The dawn wasn't far off and they needed to rest. Their normal sleeping patterns had changed a lot during the years so that they could keep Bilbo company during the night. Thus they went to sleep in the small hours and usually slept until noon. This would probably suit also Legolas now, because owls were nocturnal birds, as Bofur jokingly pointed out. Legolas woke up shortly to give him a dirty look, and Bilbo asked if Bofur could stop making bird-themed jokes – or if he had to make them, then at least make them when Legolas was out of earshot. Bofur sighed overly dramatically but promised to do so. They'd talk more about the situation after they had got some rest. So Bilbo flew to the branches of the pine tree where Legolas was sleeping and fell asleep next to him. Fíli, Bofur and Bombur slept under the tree, and Bombur had an iron ladle beside him in case someone (i.e. an orc) tried to disturb them. Although the orcs probably had already learned their lesson, at least so everyone hoped. Getting that ladle in the head hurt a bloody lot.
Sometime after noon Bombur woke up and started to prepare "breakfast". The only good thing about Smaug was that he provided them real food every day. Fíli would've gone hunting if there had been any game animals in the area. There were loads of berries, though, especially at this time of year. Bombur picked up some raspberries and blueberries to make the "breakfast" look nicer. Other than berries there was toast, different juices, beef and ham. And apples, just to tease Fíli a bit. The rest of them woke up one by one and were happy to have something to eat. Bilbo ate only berries because everything else was too difficult to eat in the swan form. Legolas tried to eat ham. It worked out just fine but he did make quite a mess and made Fíli and Bofur choke up to their drinks (for their defence, they did try to hold back laughter).
"Don't worry, you'll get used to it", Bilbo said when Legolas was just about ready to scratch the dwarves with his talons.
"I do not want to get used to this", Legolas sighed. "This is very uncomfortable."
"I know, I'm not enjoying myself either, but until we figure out how to break these spells, you might as well accept it."
Legolas snorted. "Right, yes. And may I ask why those three aren't turning into anything?"
"That we don't know", Fíli answered. "Our best guess is that Smaug's magic doesn't work on dwarves that way, but we could be wrong. And by the way, sorry for the laughing, honestly."
"Apology accepted", Legolas said. "And while we're at it, why were you all kidnapped?"
"We're not sure about that either", Bofur said. "Well, as for Bilbo and young Fíli here ("Hey, I'm not that young!" Fíli protested), we think Smaug did it to hurt King Thorin since Bilbo is his betrothed and Fíli is his heir. As for me and Bombur I don't have the slightest idea. Maybe we just were at the wrong place at the wrong time."
"Hm, that does seem relevant", Legolas pondered. "So, assuming Bofur is right with his theory, then why would Smaug kidnap me?"
The other four thought of it for a moment. Then Bombur suggested, "Maybe he knew you were on your way to Erebor and he decided to kidnap you to cause a quarrel between Erebor and Mirkwood. You know, to prevent them to have an alliance."
"That's an excellent point, Bombur", Bilbo praised. Bombur blushed a little, for it wasn't that often when he got praised for anything. Bofur agreed with Bilbo and patted his brother's back.
"Smaug really ought to explain things more", Fíli stated. "I'd also very much like to know the deal with the spells. Why would he cast them on you two is beyond me."
"Making sure we won't leave, maybe", Bilbo said.
"But what about you three?" Legolas asked. "You could leave. Why don't you?"
"For three reasons", said Fíli. "One: at first we'd have to get past the orcs that guard this place. Unarmed. Two: we can't leave Bilbo behind. It would be way too cruel to leave him here alone with Smaug. And three: we don't exactly even know where we are, so leaving without any sense of direction whatsoever is a very bad idea."
"Point taken", Legolas admitted. "Why don't you use a map, then?"
"What map?" the dwarves asked in unison.
"What do you mean, 'what map'?" Legolas was flabbergasted.
"We don't have a map", Bilbo explained.
"Bet Smaug has, though", said Bombur, pointing at the fortress. They all looked where Bombur was pointing, and a plan started to shape in Fíli and Legolas' minds. They looked back at each other and Fíli could've sworn Legolas was grinning mischievously (it did sound impossible, as he was an owl, but still). They had some sort of a silent conversation with their eyes and when they were done, Fíli announced to Bilbo, Bofur and Bombur, "Here's the deal: Bilbo and Legolas keep guard while we three nick a map."
"You two nick a map", Bofur corrected, leaving Fíli and Bombur confused.
"But surely you're coming with us!" Fíli exclaimed.
"Nope. I'm not a thief. I don't walk around nicking maps!"
"Oh really?" Bilbo, Bombur and Fíli grinned in unison.
Bofur looked embarrassed. "Okay, there was that one time, but it was an accident!"
"Once a thief..." said Bilbo.
"... always a thief!" Fíli ended the sentence.
"No, I am not going!" Bofur shouted. "I've had enough of risking me life, thank you very much, so count me out! I'll stay with Bilbo and Legolas to keep guard."
"No, you're not", Fíli said curtly. "Now come on, you big baby. We've got a map to steal!"
And the operation was ready to start. Bilbo and Legolas soared over the grounds between the garden and the fortress, making sure the road was clear. Legolas hooted five times and that was when the three dwarves got going. There were no orcs in sight, which was quite odd, but they didn't complain. Sneaking into the fortress was actually quite an easy task after all. Navigating inside was a different thing, as it was very dark and there were almost no windows anywhere. Luckily after sneaking in there the day before Fíli knew where the maps were. It didn't make the mission any easier, though. They couldn't afford to make any noise, so they moved slowly. Once they had reached the upper levels of the fortress, they decided to hurry some more.
"Okay guys, quickly", Fíli whispered as he and Bofur opened a door and slipped in.
"Easy enough for him to say", Bombur grunted and his foot got stuck when the door closed. "Ouch!"
Fíli and Bofur turned around and started to pull Bombur off.
"Whenever I'm in a hurry, I'll always take me fat brother with me", Bofur muttered. Fíli and Bombur told him to shut up.
They walked along a long corridor and soon faced another pair of stairs. Fíli said they were to climb them.
"I think I pulled a muscle", Bombur said quietly.
Bofur looked at him in horror. "I'm gonna die! I know it! I'm on a dangerous mission with a lame dwarf! You're gonna get us all killed!"
"Shut it, you!" Fíli snapped.
The next room was where Smaug kept his maps. Bofur and Bombur guarded the door while Fíli was picking out a map. He tried to be as quick as possible but there were so many to choose from. In the end after multiple hisses to hurry he chose a map with many red circles in it. It seemed quite perfect for their purpose.
Of course, their luck didn't last. They were almost out when their worst nightmare came true. Azog was standing right in front of them, speaking something in the orc language that Fíli, Bofur and Bombur didn't understand, but it didn't exactly sound like an invitation over to five o'clock tea or anything.
"Okay guys, we need to tackle him", Fíli said. "Bofur, you go long; Bombur, you take the map. Ready?"
During the attempt to beat Azog without weapons and get out of the fortress the three dwarves unknowingly invented a game now known as American football. And it worked. Three dwarves tossing around a rolled map was too much for Azog, no matter what he tried (of course, it helped that also he was, for some very queer reason, unarmed – this caused a lot of questions later, Fíli assumed he had thought he could take down three dwarves easily without weapons), and after some time the dwarves got out and shut the doors with a loud bang. They yelled triumphantly and ran over to the garden to their usual place near the lake, beneath a rowan tree. Bilbo and Legolas joined them a few minutes later after making sure they weren't followed.
"We did it!" Bofur yelled. "We actually did it!"
"And someone was so pessimistic about it", Bilbo chuckled. "Well done, all of you!"
"Well, now we have a map", said Legolas. "Let us try to locate us."
Bombur opened the map (he'd got a hold of it after the last toss over Azog's fat lump of a head) and they looked at it together. It was a map of the whole Middle-Earth, and thankfully in common tongue (though Legolas would've translated it, had it been in Elvish). Erebor was easy to locate, as were the Shire and Bag End. However, it took them at least fifteen minutes to realize where they were. Bofur was the first one to get it right.
"It must be this circled thing here", he pointed at a red circle at the southern end of Mirkwood forest. "Dol Guldur."
"You're right, Bofur", Legolas said. "You're absolutely right. It makes sense, too. My father used to tell me stories about this place, how this once was the base of a Dark Lord. Not Smaug, of course, for this was a very long time ago. I'm talking about many millennia. I can't remember the Dark Lord's name, but it makes sense that Smaug would have his lair here. This is a place of very dark magic."
"So, what do we do now?" Fíli asked. "We can't exactly just go to the orc guards or better yet, to Smaug, and say 'We're terribly sorry but we would like to leave about now.'"
"That's right", Bofur said and thought of it for a moment. "But you two would definitely pass quite unnoticed", he added to Legolas and Bilbo. "The orcs rarely look at the sky, so you could fly to Erebor and Mirkwood and raise the alarm, especially now that we know how to navigate."
"Bofur, that's utterly crazy", said Legolas. "I love it, let's do it, first thing tomorrow."
They all agreed, for it was very late afternoon, and it was a long way to both Erebor and Thranduil's Hall. But that just meant they'd have all night to plot how to do everything and what to do in case of an emergency. Fíli, Bofur and Bombur also had to make up believable excuses in case Smaug would come and ask about Legolas and Bilbo's absence. For hours they made up plans and excuses and shared some good laughs. They almost missed the rising of the moon, but luckily Bombur noticed it and noted it to everyone. Bilbo knew very well what he had to do, but poor Legolas had no idea where he should've been in order to change back. Some minutes later they figured he probably ought to stand about where he had stood when he had transformed for the first time. Legolas gave it a shot, and it worked. Bilbo smiled as he got out of the water and patted Legolas' back.
"Welcome back, both of ya", Bofur grinned. "Gotta say, you were prettier to look at as an owl, Legolas."
"It is a shame, really, that Smaug didn't cast a spell on you, too", Legolas answered. "You would've made a nice little frog."
Fíli and Bombur burst into laughter and Bilbo tried not to smile. Bofur glared at Legolas for a moment but soon he started to laugh as well. The elf did have a sense of humour after all, even though it seemed to be a fairly twisted kind.
Bofur and Bombur then started to make dinner, and Fíli left to keep guard in case Smaug would come. He'd left them in peace for many days now (no complaints there) but everyone rather had a forewarning than let him emerge right out of the blue. Meanwhile Bilbo and Legolas hid the map so that even if Smaug did come to accuse them of stealing, there would be no proof of it.
"Bilbo, can I ask you something? Or actually quite a few things", Legolas asked when they had found a hole in a pine tree where the map fit quite nicely.
"Sure, go ahead", Bilbo answered.
"Why does Fíli call you 'uncle'? Is it because you are to marry Thorin?"
"Yes, I suppose so. He started calling me that the day we met, and it feels very nice. Fíli can be quite a nuisance from time to time, but he has a very good heart. He reminds me very much of Thorin's late brother, Frerin. They're both cheerful in the same way, as in a very un-dwarf-like way. I can't even begin to think how I would be now if I hadn't met Fíli."
"You love him as if he were your own nephew", Legolas said.
Bilbo smiled. "That's right, I do. And I'd also very much like to meet his younger brother Kíli. That is, if we ever manage to get out of here."
"We will", Legolas assured. "We leave tomorrow and fly to Erebor and my realm, and we will also find a way to break the spells."
Legolas had already memorized how they should fly in order to reach Thranduil's Halls and the Lonely Mountain. Bilbo didn't say it out loud, but he was in fact quite terrified of the idea of seeing Thorin again. How much had he changed since they'd last met? Fíli had many times assured Bilbo that Thorin was indeed very much in love with him, but Bilbo still wasn't sure if he should buy it as it was told. Last time he and Thorin had been in the same room they'd just fought again. Bilbo wasn't sure if he could endure it if that happened once more. On the other hand Thorin had had twenty years to mature. Maybe they would be able to have a civilized conversation... And then Bilbo remembered that he'd be in his swan form. What if the dwarven hunters thought he and Legolas were prey? No, he couldn't go down that road. He just needed to concentrate that everything would turn out fine. Besides, they would first fly to Legolas' home because it was closer to Dol Guldur (not much but enough), and the elves could give the dwarves a hint before-handed. It was going to be alright.
"So, what's your other question?" Bilbo asked.
"Oh, if you don't mind, why do Erebor and the Shire wish to unite?"
"My mother said it was for mutual interests, trade and such. The Shire doesn't have good military forces, and Erebor could provide us those in times of war, along with different sorts of products from blacksmiths. In return the Shire would provide Erebor with fresh agricultural products as Erebor doesn't have a prosperous agriculture."
Then Bofur and Bombur came to say that dinner was ready. It was quite a merry evening since they had accomplished so much earlier the day. Fíli was still very proud of the way they had beaten Azog without any weapons ("Serves him right!" Bofur said and patted Fíli's back. "You did so well, laddie!") and they talked about it over and over again, with Bofur describing how he had slid right through Azog's spread legs with the map in his hands. Some other night everyone would've grown tired to Bofur's bragging, but not that night. It brought everyone more hope than they'd had in years. Maybe they would finally outsmart Smaug.
Yep, I used some lines from the film because they were so funny. I love the lame turtle thing Jean-Bob says.
A little preview of the next chapter: Kíli is bored, Thorin gets mad at the council, the elves aren't happy to know their prince has gone missing.
