It's different. Not being with you.
Or maybe it just feels that way…maybe I was just so used to being with you—maybe I liked it too much. More than I should. More than someone like me should be allowed to like anything.
I can't believe this. I'm still reeling from the fact that you…an insignificant blip in my life…you became the one thing that irrevocably changed my life. And even after you aren't in it anymore, my life is still changed.
Speaking of exiting my life…
I stare at you as you usher Syaoran back into his room, insisting stubbornly that he get some sleep. I rub a hand over my eyes—wait, no—eye. Why did I let it get this far?
I'd gone in too deep—had too much faith in my oxygen tank—and then I foolishly punctured it. And now I had to face the consequences: I'm drowning.
It wasn't this hard before. Getting over Ashura…over the fact that ours was a forbidden love, and he probably never loved me in the first place. It wasn't that difficult. Painful, but doable, and definitely possible.
This?
Huh. Like I said, I was drowning and in over my head.
"Fai-san?"
Something cold poked me hesitantly in the shoulder.
I glanced up with a jolt, and found myself staring into Sakura's concerned eyes. "Did you get hurt in that?" she asked. "That team was rather rough…"
"Hm? Oh, no. I'm fine." I returned my gaze to the glass of water—not that I intended to drink it. The pattern of the tablecloth beneath the translucent glass and liquid were splotches of abstract red. A grouping of twin red splotches seemed a bit more…circular than I'd remembered. It almost looked like they were eyes…staring up at me…honest and gruff and—
I was delusional. That was all.
I was losing my mind—not that I wasn't already insane.
"You made a mistake."
"Hm, Princess?" I gave a slight smile—not as bright as my old ones, but not as fake either. "What was it you said?"
"You made a mistake," she repeated sadly.
"Yes…my fighting was off today, wasn't it…" I trailed off. And I had. Not exactly in the same context, but I had made a mistake. I'd thought that he'd be mine.
Guess the joke was on me.
Vampires weren't supposed to need much—if any—sleep. But I was restless. I had to keep moving, keep busy, else I would find myself thinking of him—missing him. Wanting to see him, even if I saw him every cursed day.
Where was his mind these days? He went out by himself a lot…not even taking Syaoran or Mokona…had he found someone else in this strange world called Infinity?
This couldn't be happening.
"You need to wake up, Fai-san," Sakura sighed, her eyes wise and hardened beyond the air headed innocent she'd used to be.
"I'm always perfectly awake. But I am sorry I haven't been listening very closely—I've just been a bit out of it today," I apologized.
And it was true. I was out of it. I was out of it—and too busy wishing that I hadn't let him fall. The regret intensified each day, and today it was off the charts.
He wasn't to blame for any of it, though. I was the one who'd pushed him away.
There was only so much a person could take before ending their own misery and walking away.
I should have been there to stop him.
"Maybe you should stop listening to me, and start listening to yourself."
I flinched, and looked straight at her. "What do you mean, Princess?"
"You're not getting over him any time soon. So you should simply save yourself the self-loathing and self-pity and hold on to him." She smiled. "You aren't the only one who's persistent."
"What—"
She silenced me with a nod towards the doorway.
"Hey." The deep voice rumbled, the lights casting his long shadow longer.
My head flew back to its original position and I stared determinedly at the table, at the glass in my hands—anything but him.
I didn't want to let him go, I mentally cried as he took the seat across from me, and Sakura left daintily. I wanted him to come home—come back to me. I was drowning, choking, suffocating without him. He made it impossible to breathe—to find anything worth breathing for. There wasn't any purpose to do that tiny act of inhaling if he wasn't with me.
"What do you want?" I stated.
He raised an eyebrow. "I'm asking the same thing."
Hm. So Kurogane was being considerate today. What a surprise.
What do I want? You wanted to know what I want, Kurogane?
Tell me.
How was I supposed to go on living without you? How could I go on living knowing that if you were with me, we'd both be on a road heading for tragedy—a kind people hadn't seen since Romeo and Juliet. Only, I was no Juliet, and you certainly weren't a Romeo.
But I had more questions—questions that passed over the knowledge that I shouldn't be with you completely. How would I see?
You were the one who allowed the light to even come close to my unworthy eyes.
Where would I go? How would I rest when your heart was the only place mine would quiet on?
Kurogane, if you're not with me…
How would I breathe?
