Chapter 3 - There's a Reason There Were Seldom Bar Scenes in TOS


"It's the final frontier, baby."

(Final Voiceover in 'Let's Take a Rocket Ship to Space')


Jim Kirk could hardly believe his luck. The hot babe at the bar had actually told him her first name! He had no idea what a Mary Sue badge entailed, but if he could help, especially by performing his role as chief hero and stud muffin, he was all for assisting them. The chance of mission success in seeking out female companionship and exploring new kinds of close encounters was definitely improving.

In the corner a band of retro-looking aliens began playing a variety of almost familiar-looking instruments while one bearing a remarkable resemblance to a bug-eyed version of Frank Sinatra crooned:

"Let's take a rocket ship to space
I hear it's a real swinging place
There isn't much air, or gravity there
The stars will make your heart race..."

Jim took this as his cue to embark on a montage of scenes in which he displayed his boyish charm for the Fireside Girls.


A short distance away, Spock nudged the dazed doctor, forcing him to unwillingly refocus on the strangeness around him. "Doctor, I believe the Captain may require our assistance."

McCoy looked in the direction Spock indicated. "Well, look at that. Jim found beautiful young women. What an unexpected surprise." He widened his eyes. "And by unexpected, I mean completely expected! What in that scene makes you think that he needs or wants our assistance Spock?"

"The Captain's heart rate has elevated rapidly. I was concerned that he might be having an allergic reaction to his milkshake."

"And you've never noticed that happen before when he's surrounded by beautiful women?" Bones rolled his eyes at Vulcan naiveté.

Spock straightened in a mildly affronted manner. "I am not ignorant, Doctor. Simply because I am not prone to experiencing sexual arousal myself... " He paused, head tilting slightly as he thought about that. "...No, wait. That's the other Spock... I completely comprehend the Captain's reaction."

Bones momentarily raised his eyebrows. "Right. Well, come on. Let's go help him."

It was Spock's turn for an eyebrow lift. "But, need I remind you that I am completely committed to Lt. Uhura and you are still too bitter from your divorce to be interested in pursuing those women."

"This isn't about pursuing them, Spock. That's James. T. Kirk and even if it's only selling milkshakes, that's a bar. It's only a matter of time until a fight breaks out."

Spock looked impressed. "That is a surprisingly logical conclusion, Doctor."


A short time later, McCoy was comfortably installed in a seat at the milkshake bar a safe distance from Jim's shenanigans. If he was suffering from space delirium, at least the delusion wasn't all that bad. Who knew there was such a thing as a mint julep milkshake? It actually wasn't half-bad, especially after he'd added some real bourbon from his hip flask. Spock on the other hand, had allowed himself to be drawn into Jim's wake and was being forced to behave sociably. McCoy grinned to himself. There were few things he enjoyed more than watching Spock trying not to look uncomfortable when he was put on the spot.

"C'mon, Spock, live a little." Jim wheedled. "At least try a milkshake."

"Captain," Spock explained patiently. "Milkshakes are excessively sweet to Vulcan taste buds and, as they have no nutritional value, it would therefore be illogical for me to try one."

"No nutritional value Spock?" Kirk replied in feigned shock. "Why there's milk in milkshakes! There's hardly anything more nutritious than that. And you can add all sorts of healthy fruit flavors."

"Heavily sweetened fruit flavorings can hardly be counted as nutritionally valuable." Spock maintained.

"Excuse me, Mr. Spock, but milkshakes are very adaptable." remarked Grethen, one of the Fireside Girls who was clearly shooting for points toward that Mary Sue badge. "If you find normal milkshakes too sweet, you could try one with peanut butter. It's slightly salty and an excellent source of vegetable-based protein."

"Excellent idea!" Kirk enthused, beaming at Gretchen. "Barkeep, one peanut butter cup milkshake for my first officer."

The minute the shake appeared, Kirk shoved it into his XO's hands. "Try it, Spock. That's an order."

Spock's eyebrows rose in a way that suggested that he was seriously doubting Spock Prime's assertion that he and Kirk were destined for an epic friendship, but sipped the beverage. The eyebrows rose higher.

"Well?" Kirk asked.

Spock took another sip. "It is moderately pleasant."

Kirk slapped him on the back, prompting another eyebrow high jump. "See, I knew you'd like it!"


Spock was halfway through his third peanut butter cup milkshake when it dawned on McCoy that there was more than peanut butter in peanut butter cups.

"Spock, stop." he warned. "There's chocolate in that."

"I am aware of that, Doctor." Spock said, continuing to down the shake. "However, you need not be concerned. The concept that Vulcans can become intoxicated by chocolate is clearly mythological. Given our similar physiologies, the logical substance to choose if one wished to induce inebriation in a Vulcan would be Romulan ale. Of course," Spock added with an expression that could only be described, given the position of his eyebrows, as a supercilious, "no self-respecting Vulcan would ever drink that."

"Okay," McCoy allowed. "You just seem to be going through those kind of fast."

"I have never tried peanut butter before." Spock replied. "It is surprisingly stimulating."

McCoy pointed an instrument (which closely resembled a salt shaker) at Spock and then planted his forehead on the bar. Vulcans might not react to chocolate the way humans did to alcohol, but it looked like they reacted to peanut butter the way humans did to caffeine. He was just wondering what he had in his medkit to deal with a wired Vulcan when a shadow fell across the bar.

The beefy hand attached to the source of the shadow descended on Jim's shoulder, spinning him around. Jim twisted against the hand's grip, causing his shirt to rip and expose a glimpse of his manly chest. (Strangely no one else's shirt ever tore due to anything short of a bladed weapon. Bones secretly suspected that Jim sat up nights loosening the stitches on his shoulder seams).

The owner of the hand was not impressed. "Just what do you think you're doing with my girls?"

However, before Jim could respond everything faded to a commercial break.

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AN: Hope you're still enjoying this. I've always found the Vulcans-inebriated-by-chocolate thing both funny and illogical, so I had to take a small swipe.

btw, I learned a new team while researching Mary Sues:

Kirk Syndrome (noun):
The inclination of a lead character (generally male) to fall for/seduce/be enchanted by (mystically or otherwise) the local alien sex pot(s) (usually female) and engage in a relationship (generally sexual, or the Ancient, glowy, tentacle equivalent) that lasts for only an episode or two and is never mentioned again and has no apparent side effects or strong emotional attachments.

Somehow I just had to share that with you all.