Because I am now officially in love with Kaito and Conan. Well, my versions of Kaito and Conan.
Sorry I've been gone for a while, but I had summer classes and then a month long visit to grandparents with no internet access. Then moving into a new apartment. Haven't really had a chance to be active here. But hopefully this little ditty makes up for it. And Jun-chan, I hereby dedicate this bit of insanity to you. It's no dance number, but the crack should make up for that.
Warning: CRACK. PURE AND TOTAL CRACK UP AHEAD. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.
DireSphinx flopped down on the guest bed in her grandparent's lake house. After preparing a beef stir-fry and rice dinner followed by caramel apple tartlets for dessert, then cleaning up the kitchen, she was ready for some good old me time. Not that helping out at her grandparents for the summer was a bad thing or even arduous, but sometimes a girl just needs a little alone time. She pulled the feather pillow over her head. Ah, perfect...
…
…
...okay, who's playing Bob Seger? How am I supposed to relax with 'Born in the USA' running through my head? Looking out from under her pillowy confines, DireSphinx searched for the source of her disruption. Nothing to the right, nothing to the lef...
She blinked once. Twice. Then DireSphinx started to cackle. Emerging from under her pillow, she turned to the desk holding her laptop with wide eyes and a grin the size of Cleveland. Oh My God. The cackle turned into a full-fledged belly laugh. That's perfect.
Kaitou Kid glared out upon the form of DireSphinx one inch away from falling off the bed. "You know, most people don't laugh at protesters."
She looked towards the screen and fell flat on her back cracking up. Unbeknown to DireSphinx (Really?), Kid rolled his eyes. "I should have known you'd react like this. Organize an official protest and she thinks it's hilarious. What, do I have to die to make you take me seriously?" He smacked his forehead and glared at the cackling brunette. "Oh wait, you've already friggin done that! When I was about to propose! Propose, woman! What is wrong with you?"
"It was the caterpillars – blame the caterpillars!" she cried out between her chuckles.
Kid attempted to scorch DireSphinx with the full force of his glare. "You know, it's not nice to blame other people for your own wrongdoings."
"It wasn't wrong, it was art," she giggled.
"Killing me is art?"
"In certain cultures, yes." More choked-up giggling.
"What sort of cultures are you a member of?" he hesitatingly questioned.
"I'll tell you when I figure it out."
See Kid pout. Aww, doesn't he look cute? "I don't like you."
"I know. And I love you," she spit out between her laughter.
"Huh?" Kid raised his head in confusion. "I hate you and you love me? Are you bipolar or something?"
"No, it's not anything you did. It's just this is so wonderful and amazing and oh god, words escape me that I can't help but love you for it."
"The protest? Because I did organize this." He holds up his Down with DireSphinx! sign.
"Gods no." She dismisses his efforts with a wave of her hand. "Who cares about your rinky dink protest? It's - "
"Rinky dink? Rinky dink!" Kid is highly affronted. He shakes his sign at her smirking facade. "This Kaitou Kid does not do rinky dink!"
This Kaitou Kid? Who do you think you are, Sesshoumaru or something? DireSphinx gives Kid a look. "Kid, there's you, a handmade sign, and Him. That's pretty rinky dink. But He totally makes up for your lackluster campaign."
Kid looks back to his partner-in-crime. "What, Conan? What's so special about the dweeb?"
DireSphinx looks at Kid like he's crazy. Which he is. "Are you blind? He's fantastic! Brilliant! Awe-inspiring! Wonderful! Amazing! ...Can I keep Him?"
"Huh?" Kid scratches his hat and looks back at the economy-sized detective. Eying him up and down like a piece of meat, Don't think I didn't see that Kid. Yaoi fangirls eat your hearts out., his eyebrows scrunch together in confusion. "...I don't get it. What's the appeal?"
"Look at Him!" DireSphinx all but shouts back.
"I am! What's so great about him?" Kid replies in the same tone.
"Tell me He's not the cutest thing you've ever seen."
"Um, he's not the cutest thing I've ever seen...?"
DireSphinx jumps up on the bed and towers over her laptop, one accusing finger pointing at Kid. "Liar!! You lie! You lie, you lie, you lie! How dare you blasphemy against His supreme awesomeness!"
Kid's inching away into the background. "You know, I think you should go lie down for a while. I'll come back some other time to protest..." One gloved hand latches onto Conan's collar. "See you later?"
Oh no you're not! DireSphinx lunges for her laptop. "NO! You can't run and take Him with you!"
"Why not?"
"He's everything I've ever wanted and more!"
Zig-zaggy lines flash along the edges of the screen. DireSphinx and Kid both pause. She speaks first. "Kid, what was that?"
"My Kaitou senses."
"...Your what?"
He grimaces. "You know, my cop radar, my get the hell out of Dodge now instincts, the inner thief that lets me know when to save my sorry hide. The Kaitou senses."
DireSphinx digests his words. Ponders them. Then her Saturday morning cartoons inner child speaks out without her consent. "You're like Spiderman!"
His mouth gapes open and closed for several amusing seconds before he can reign himself in enough to sputter, "No I'm not!"
She sagely nods her head to the idea. "You did have the flashing lines warning you of danger. Just like Spiderman." A smirk breaks out on her face. "Are your kaitou senses tingling?"
Kid refuses to rise to the bait. "You know, I think I'll just shut up now. Come on Conan, time to go."
"Hey wait a minute! You can't leave!"
"The kaitou senses never lie. There is danger afoot and I for one do not want to suffer at the hands of you."
"Well, could you leave Him at least?"
"I don't think I should leave him here with you. You're kinda scary right now. No offense."
"None taken. It's just my dormant fangirl kicking in."
"I never thought you were a fangirl for Conan."
"I'm not. Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Oh, I don't know, how about the random screaming and squealing over the pipsqueak?"
"Well, I'm not going gaga over him."
"Then what are you so excited about?"
"Him!!!"
Kid crosses his arms. "Now wait a minute. You just said you weren't all happy about Conan. Then you said you were happy about Conan. Which is it?"
DireSphinx sits down to explain. "Kid, have you taken a look at Him?"
"Yes."
"Notice anything?"
"Nope, he's still the same annoying brat."
"What about the scarves?"
"What about them?"
"They're perfect!"
"The scarves?"
"No silly, Him!"
"Okay, you'll have to explain this to me again because I have no idea what's going on in that warped mind of yours."
"Look, see Conan?"
"Yes..."
"See the scarves you bound him with so he can't get away?"
"Yes..."
"See the Fire Dire! sign sticking out from behind his back?"
"Yes..."
"See the glare he's directing at us from behind the gag?"
"Yes..."
"That's it."
"What's it?"
"That."
"That?"
"That."
"...You mean to tell me I've been upstaged by a trussed up seven year old?"
Vigorous nodding.
"...Why?"
DireSphinx's eyes go all anime and sparkly and her voice reaches that annoyingly high pitch only squealing fangirls can achieve. "Look at Him! He's so cute and kawaii and the scarves and the fidgeting from side to side with the muffled squeaks coming out and the glaring eyes with the sign and the mussed up hair and AWWWWWWWW, I need to huggle Him! I just wanna hug Him and squeeze Him and love Him and name Him George because He's so cute!"
Kid removes his hands from over his ears and shakes his head to get the ringing sound rattling in his cranium. A frosty glare is directed towards the insanely peppy fangirl. Her smile kicks up another 100 kilowatts. Note: High pitched noises annoy and bother phantom thieves. Develop way to use this against Kid. End note.
Kid is sadly still trying to make sense of the situation. "A bound Conan is cute? Kami-sama above, you must have a disturbing mindset. Never pegged you as the bondage type. Also, George?"
"It's an Elmira expression."
"I don't think George was part of her rant."
DireSphinx huffily retorts. "What do you know? You're a Japanese anime. How would you know Tiny Toons?"
"I know there's no George," he pointedly remarks.
"Shush. You're scaring George." She turns concerned eyes on the midget in the background who appears to be trembling.
"No, that would be you."
She dismisses Kid's words and turns her full attention on the object of her affections, softening her tone to sooth the freaked out boy. "Oh, it's okay George. We'll be good friends. We'll go for walks, play Frisbee in the park, watch scary movies. I'll treat you nice, pet you, feed you and I'll never, ever let you go. Doesn't that sound fun?" DireSphinx runs her cursor over Conan's nose. "See, I'll even scratch your nose!"
Kid snatches the cursor away before DireSphinx can pet Conan anywhere else. "I think I speak on George's behalf when I say WTF?"
"What?"
I think Kid's gonna need some eye drops after this. His eyes seem to be constantly bulging out of their sockets. "You see nothing wrong with this?"
"With what? George? Because he's absolutely cute and precious and he's my precious. My precioussssssss." DireSphinx wriggles her fingers in a mad scientist display.
Kid shivers. "You just did an eerily accurate Gollum impression. I think it's time to say goodbye." With that, he slings Conan over his shoulder and runs for screen left.
DireSphinx makes a mad grab for her laptop, swinging it to the right and throwing the two characters back to the middle of the screen. "You cannot have my precioussssss!" she hisses.
Kid looks down at Conan's gagged head. "Precious, do you want to stay with the crazy fanfic lady?"
Vigorous shaking of the head.
She points her finger at Conan. "He lies!"
"I don't think so. George, it's time to go home." George gives an indignant squawk at the name change.
DireSphinx smirks at Kid. "You're gonna call him George from now on, aren't you."
He grins. "Oh definitely. Some things are just too good to pass up. Thanks for that, crazy lady."
"Anytime Kid." Raising her hand to her chin she contemplates her adversary. "Think you might be thankful enough to leave him with me?"
"I'm not that thankful."
Darn, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this. "Minion Roboto, implement program Kidproof."
Nothing happens.
"Why isn't it working?!"
Kid looks up from tightening a few of George's more colorful restraints. "That would be Akako."
"Akako can stop computer programs?" Really?
"She is a witch."
"But what do witches have to do with computers? That makes no sense." I thought magic and technology couldn't mix...didn't Harry Potter teach us that if anything?
"Witch."
"Still doesn't make sense."
"You try telling that to Akako."
Eek. DireSphinx shudders. "I'd rather not. The last time she came through here she kept pestering me about the whereabouts of her sex slave. I hope you don't mind if I directed her to Hakuba instead of you."
"Not at all. Feel free to keep her as far away from me as possible."
"Yeah, I figured you wouldn't like her cosplay ideas. You might be a master of disguise, but I believe even you have your limits."
Kid winced. "How bad was it?"
"There are some things I don't need to see in this world. Hakuba in Rocky Horror drag is one of them."
Kid eye's widen beneath his top hat. Then he blanches. Heh, now his face matches his suit. "Thanks. Now I need to wash my mind out with bleach. Ugh, something I did not need to imagine. You do realize that will now feature in my nightmares, right?"
She nods. "If I have to suffer, so do you."
"But on the other hand, this is prime blackmail material. Mind if I tease him?"
DireSphinx's eyebrows rise. "You think I haven't?"
He smirks. "I like the way you think."
"Except when it comes to George?"
"Except when it comes to George."
"Pretty please?" DireSphinx gives Kid her best pout. Come on, how can you say no to the pouty face?
"Nope."
Dammit. "Could I bribe you into my way of thinking on the subject of George?"
"What type of bribe?"
Hmmm..."What'll it take?"
"Well, he is my arch rival, the Holmes to my Lupin, the yin to my yang. My intellectual equal, you could say. I can't just give him away. I'd need at least two candy bars."
Indignant squawking emerges in the background, but the two negotiators pay him no mind.
DireSphinx looks around the room. "I have a Twix, half a thing of Starbursts, and an almost full bag of Raspberry Milano cookies. Would that work?"
Kid considers the deal. "You can have five minutes." Conan squeaks in alarm.
Joy!
"Have fun George!" Kid tosses Conan to the foreground while he makes for the Firefox web browser. Not that that will do him any good. No internet access here!
...
...but then how did they show up? Kid prepares to dive head first into the mini-globe. She catches him with her cursor before he can a) get away and/or b) hurt himself because the orange fox on the icon has started growling, and that thing's got some pretty sharp-looking teeth. Kid's dragged back to sit beside her new beloved George.
"Where do you think you're going?"
"Um, far away?" Kid replies like the answer should be obvious. "I thought it would be best if I stepped out so I wouldn't be considered an accessory to whatever illegal and immortal events that are bound to ensue."
Illegal and immoral! "Hey, I'm crazy not a criminal! And isn't that a bit like the pot calling the kettle black?"
"I only steal. I'd rather not add torture to the list."
"So teasing's considered torture these days? Man, then that means my mom's gonna be put away for life without parole."
"Teasing?" His ears perk up.
"Well sure. What did you think I was gonna do with him?"
Kid puts his gloved hands over Conan's ears and tells DireSphinx his thoughts. Her jaw drops.
"Ack! Ack ack ack! When you're done washing your mind out with bleach, pass it over so I can clean out my ears. Ack! That's just wrong. Wrong!"
"Well, what else was I supposed to think?"
"I don't know, but not that! Ack!"
"I think you've said Ack already."
"Well I'm gonna say it again. Ack! Ack ack ack!"
"Done yet?"
"Almost. Ack! ...Okay, now I think I'm done."
"That many Acks?"
"It was a dirty, dirty idea."
"I can't help it if Hakuba's corrupted me. Do you have any idea the thoughts running rampant through that repressed Brit's mind?" Kid leans over to Conan. "Oh FYI, if he ever comes near you with a pineapple and a box of blue Legos, run. Run like the wind."
DireSphinx and Conan's eyes grow wide, but for entirely different reasons. "Hakuba?" she almost reverently whispers.
"He comes out with the filthiest schemes when he's drunk."
"Hakuba?!"
"Yeah, who knew?"
"Man, that must be a trip. And what can he do with a pineapple and blue Legos?"
Kid shudders. "You don't wanna know."
"Oh, I think I do."
"No really, you don't. The first rule of the blue Legos is you don't talk about the blue Legos."
DireSphinx tilts her head to the side. "...are you mocking Fight Club?"
"You don't talk about the blue Legos."
"Oooookay, new topic. Let's see..." Hmmm, what was I gonna do again? Oh yeah... DireSphinx smirks and oh so innocently asks, "Is Ran a good kisser?"
Kid blinks. "What?"
"On a scale of 1 to 10, where would you rank Ran's kissing abilities? Does she get you all hot and bothered, or is just so-so?"
"...Why are you asking me?"
"Considering the amount of times you've cosplayed as Shinichi, surely you've had a few hot and heavy moments with the karate champ."
"First off, it's disguise, not cosplay. Cosplay's for amateurs. I am not an amateur. Therefore, I do no cosplay. And secondly, how the hell do you know about that?! I thought I'd convinced Ran to keep that a secret!"
Oh, if looks could kill...thank you Kid. Really, truly, thank you.
Dragging her eyes away from a near murderous George, DireSphinx cheekily replies, "Well, let's just say a little bird told me."
"Oh?" Kid raises an eyebrow. "This bird got a name?"
"Birdy."
Kid frowns. "A real name?"
"Birdy McBirdson."
"That's not helpful."
"I'm not trying to be. So you and Ran huh? How is she?" Growling issues forth from the hindered captive.
"Ah, she's okay. Soft lips, enthusiasm in spades, but she needs more practice. Her and Kazuha both."
The growling abruptly cuts off. Two sets of eyes blink in unison. "Kazuha?"
"Yeah, she's nice and all but she doesn't know the difference between nibbling and biting the lower lip. Now Akako...Akako's got the hot and heavy down, but she's just too pushy. When I kiss, I like to be the one in charge."
Okay, this is slightly disturbing. Valiantly continuing onwards, DireSphinx asks, "Anyone else?"
"Well, there's Sonoko, but I don't really count Sonoko. Kissing her feels like kissing my grandmother."
Oh poor Sonoko..."What about Aoko?"
"What about her?"
"You've kissed everyone else, but you haven't kissed her?"
"Are you nuts? Of course I've kissed Aoko! I'd be crazy not to!"
"Well Kaitou Kid is crazy..."
"Oh ha ha. Real funny."
"I try. So, how is she?"
"How is who?"
"Aoko."
"Well, last I saw her she was fine and wearing blue panties with pink polka dots. Mmmm, polka dots..."
"Kid, you're avoiding the question."
"I plead the fifth."
"Why?"
"Because there are impressionable children in the..." Kid trails off. Hesitatingly, he dares to glance beside him to the malignant aura that is Conan. A softly muttered "oh shit" is the only printable curse word to pass his lips.
DireSphinx can only smirk. I was wondering when he'd remember Conan.
"Forgot he was there, did you?"
Kid hasn't quite finished cursing yet. He continues for a good five minutes more. Conan's murderous rage shifts slightly to awe at the profanic speech. DireSphinx can't say she blames him. Really, lip gloss, the Eiffel Tower, and a hamster? And here I thought Nakamori was creative. But all good things must come to an end eventually, and with a few short phrases that cannot in good conscience be put to print, Kid falls quiet. Silence descends on the trio. DireSphinx dares to break the ice.
"Wow."
Kid just rolls his eyes. "Oh really, that's all you have to say?"
"I'm still trying to take it all in."
He grins. "I always know how to leave 'em speechless." The growling starts back up. Kid dares to glance beside him, and ever so obviously slides to the side. "Except where you are concerned, my fine fettered friend." He tips his hat to his captive companion. His companion only increases his animalistic growls.
Kid swallows. "Okay, I think I should take that as my cue to leave. Ta ta crazy lady, George." With a showman's bow to both her and Conan, the magician disappears in a fog of pink smoke, his monocle and smile the last to fade away. Must have been taking lessons from the Cheshire Cat.
Down one thief, boy and girl are left to consider their options. Boy stares at Girl. Girl stares at Boy. Boy blances. Girl smirks. Oh, this'll be fun...
Girl reaches for Boy with her cursor.
Boy disappears.
"Your five minutes are up!" an annoyingly familiar voice announces through her speakers.
"Hey! We were about to have fun!"
"You snooze you lose!"
DireSphinx huffs in annoyance and crosses her arms, a petulant expression on her face. And just when we were about to get to the good stuff. Darn it. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity wasted, gone forever. Stupid Kid. But at least I got to see George. Ah, George. *Sigh* If only I'd had a camera...
...Fifteen seconds later...
DireSphinx smacks her head. "Dammit! I could've taken a screenshot!" Muttering angry curses to herself, DireSphinx pulls the pillow back over her head. This just isn't my night...
The next morning DireSphinx wakes up with the vague sensation that something terribly, terribly wrong has occurred. Something to do with scarves, a sign, and someone named George? She looks down to the packet of cookies she'd been eating the night before. Hmm, good until January 4th, 2008? That would explain it. Humming 'Born in the USA' DireSphinx walks out of the room in search of breakfast, deaf to the snide snickering issuing from her speakers.
Okay, DireSphinx begging here. Somebody draw me a picture of George! I need his captive awesomeness for my wallpaper! Please?
