It had been quite a while since the last incident.
The other nations had- surprisingly or not- kept quiet about the issue. As far as he knew, they hadn't mentioned a word of it to anyone else, and it gave him a little less to worry about.
Alfred had been doing well… or… at least better than he had been doing before. He had improved at keeping his mind from wandering, and that had kept the fits of anxiety and panic under control for the most part.
However… that had begun to change.
It was less than a year until the election now; until he got a new boss. That aspect in itself was frightening, especially with the changes that new leader could bring. But what was even more terrifying was the thought of the debates and the slander that would come from the preparations; the out roar that would come from either side that didn't get their way.
There was something else too, but he refused to think of it. Not now.
He was at another meeting. This one was routine, actually. Not particularly for the leaders so much as the personifications themselves. Their bosses thought it was a good idea for them to get together every now and again to talk about policies or recent events. It was normally the G8 and surrounding countries that showed up, but normally a few others would end up being invited.
Usually they ended up getting extremely off topic. The first portion of the meeting was always reserved for getting caught up on paperwork, but after that… it was free game. The last time, most of them had shared youtube videos and games, and the time before that the meeting had ended with a very competitive round of Angry Birds to see who could get the highest score.
That didn't mean they wouldn't do their work, but they didn't have the meeting exclusively for it. And… as far as he knew, their bosses were well aware of that.
But that wasn't the point. The point was that the meeting had only started forty-five minutes ago and his boss would be disappointed if he skipped out. The point was that he was already feeling his mind going exactly where it shouldn't.
…The point was that every time he tried to read his paper work his breath caught in his throat.
Alfred scanned the room. The turnout to this meeting had been small… it was just the G8 that had showed up. They all knew, so it wouldn't be a surprise… But that didn't make it any less embarrassing. And it certainly didn't make him feel like they had stopped watching him.
Sighing softly, he focused on the papers in front of him again. Blue eyes skimmed the words, trying to see anything else but what was on the page. After a few seconds, he looked up. Matthew was sitting only two chairs away, his eyes glued to his papers.
There was always an open policy between them. It had started when they were children, and had come back stronger after they had settled their disagreements. If one of them needed to talk, or wanted company, or couldn't handle something on their own… all they had to do was ask. Alfred knew this, and yet…
No, I… I shouldn't bother him. I can handle this for now…
…but even as he returned his gaze to the table, he knew that he couldn't. The words on the page didn't seem to make sense. Some stood out more than others, like they were some weird language he only knew pieces of, and instead of beginning to come together they took on thoughts of their own; brought out all the terrible feelings he was trying to keep the other nations from seeing.
It wasn't a gradual process like the last time. No, this was more like the times it happened when he was by himself. There were no murky voices slowly trickling in; no faint recollection of what was happening. It was like he was being attacked, one after the other, by his own children.
They came seemingly out of nowhere and began to berate him. They weren't happy, and he knew that. There was always something wrong; something he hadn't done right, something he could change. There was always something about him that they didn't approve of.
And as they continued he could think of everything that was happening; the debates, the election drawing nearer and nearer and nearer. The shootings that were still so recent his mind. And again and again he rushed to what could happen. All the changes that his new boss could make. All the possibilities.
His pulse was pounding in his ears. The stress just kept building, and it wouldn't stop here. No, it would keep going until the votes came in, and even then it would just go on and on and on until-
The room was beginning to fade out around him. The already dim sound of nations conversing was dying quicker and quicker.
Not here! Not again!
Just when he was about to reach the point of no return, a hand rested on his shoulder. A voice cut in through the stress induced haze in his brain. "It's okay, al… it will all be okay."
Some part of his brain breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god for matthew…
"Just breathe. Its okay."
Oh, right, breathing. That was a thing. He'd forgotten. Slowly, he took in a breath. Then another.
"Good. You're doing good." Matthew's voice was really quiet. Maybe by some miracle the other nations hadn't noticed yet, and he was trying to keep it that way. "It's okay."
Slowly, the room began to come back into focus. There was the table, and his paperwork. All of the nations, most looking at their own work or their phone. Alfred glanced to his left, where Matthew was now sitting. He still had to focus on his breathing and his thoughts, but he managed to sign a quick, 'thank you.'
Matthew smiled, signing back, 'You're welcome.' They usually talked like this during meetings. It was easier, and it didn't call as much attention. His brother raised an eyebrow, continuing, 'What happened?'
He pointed to his paperwork, shutting the folder that he had brought it in. When Matthew nodded, he motioned towards the other nations. 'They see?'
'A few,' was the response.
Alfred made a face, cursing himself. Hopefully they wouldn't give him a hard time about it… He had to stop doing this. He was a superpower for god's sake. He couldn't just… lose it.
There was a poke to his shoulder and the American raised his head, looking at the now frowning face of his brother. "It's not your fault," he whispered, the sudden change seeming loud. "It really isn't."
It would be useless for him to argue… 'Okay,' he signed, shifting his eyes to the table.
Matthew sighed softly and leaned forward. They trailed into silence, but they both knew that wouldn't help. And then, suddenly… "If they give you a hard time, I'll rough them up." The Canadian smiled. "You know I will."
That brought a smile to Alfred's face. His response was still a bit halfhearted, but it was getting there. He wondered for the millionth time how he had gotten so lucky to have Matthew for a brother. "You have your hockey stick?"
His brother leaned in slowly and whispered conspiratorially, "It's in my car."
This was what they did. When one of them was down they would always work to bring the other back up. Nothing had changed that.
Alfred smiled wider, though when someone suddenly sat in the seat next to him good mood slipped away. He turned, both surprised and not surprised at all to see that it was Kiku.
"Konnichiwa, Alfred-kun. Matthew-san."
Matthew had tensed next to him. He was already going into protective mode. While Alfred glanced his way, trying to assure that his friend meant no harm, he had a hard time believing it himself. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that Kiku had noticed what had happened. "Uh… hey, dude."
For a moment, the older nation looked at his closed paperwork folder, but seemed to disregard it just as quickly. Instead, he pulled out his phone. "There is a game I have been meaning to show you. Is now a bad time?"
"No, um…" He was acting like nothing had happened… That was a relief. "Now is good, I guess."
"That's good," Kiku held out his phone, his expression the same as always. "I think you will like it."
Alfred raised an eyebrow when he saw the screen. It looked to be some kind of cat collector app. "Huh…" Of course, it looked like Kiku had mastered the game. He showed it to Matthew briefly. "Is it free?"
Kiku nodded. "Is it alright if I find it for you?"
Seeing as he had no idea what the game was called, the American nodded. "Sure…" He gave the older nation his phone. Kiku spent a few moments typing, clicking, and then presumably waiting for the app to load. Then he handed the device back, giving him a small smile.
Alfred clicked a few times on the app. The tutorial was already popping up. "…Thanks, Kiku. It looks fun."
The man nodded, and looked ready to say something else, but Feliciano suddenly called from the other side of the room, causing many to jump, "Kikuuu! Could you show me how to get the gourmet cat?"
The Japanese man nodded before smiling apologetically his way. "If you have any questions you can text me. You too, Matthew-san."
Alfred nodded, huffing in amusement when he saw Matthew had already downloaded the app himself. As Kiku returned his seat next to Feliciano, they both set their phones down. His brother had relaxed, but still glanced his way with a raised eyebrow.
Alfred shrugged, suddenly suspicious. He closed out of the app and went to his text messages. Kiku's number immediately pulled up. A message was already typed.
'If you ever need a break during a meeting you can say so. It's no trouble. None of us mind.'
Oh. He… he hadn't been expecting that. And he certainly hadn't been expecting to feel guilty about it, either. But… if the pressure on him was just going to get worse, then… maybe it was a good thing.
Though one part of him said the opposite, he couldn't help but hope. Things had to get better, right?
AN: I really wasn't expecting I would be updating this until later, but crazy stuff happens . I rewrote this chapter like three times... and here it is. I'll probably update periodically for a while, though I lost all my notes for this story so we'll see how it goes. I'm working my way back up to Black nightmares.
Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think.
