Here cometh the M-rated version. Well it is mainly different in the first one or two flashbacks.

Comments are love.

love/ Trix


Chapter 10:

To fall or rise

It was so late that it was early or so early that it was late when Allan felt the horse's hooves throwing up turfs of fine Sherwood soil under him. The sound of little birds, sitting in clusters or joyful solitude on the ancient branches was loud in the otherwise alien silence. He had gotten used to the city, the sound and smell of people all around, and this was no longer his world. Allan-a-Dale was no sovereign of Sherwood. These days the sound of the birds reminded him of sheriff Vaysey's study, but the sound was different here. The space was bigger, the distances between the birds longer, and it made the singing seem deeper and richer. The sensation of the forest's mere size echoed through the light-hearted singing, and it felt eerie and a bit frightening to Allan who was used to confined spaces.

The light was fresh and soft this early in the morning, the air crisp. It had been raining heavily and the ground was still damp and smelled muskier than when it was dry, the earthy scent mixed with the smells from the green foliage. There were droplets hanging from the leaves, falling gently to the ground as gravity took its toll, and from time to time Allan brushed by a branch that showered him with tiny wet beads of chilly rainwater. The setting was beautiful; Sherwood Forest sparkled in her morning gown, newly washed with veils of fog still hugging around the tree trunks. And it seemed cruel, immensely cruel, that the world just didn't care about the pain despair in Allan as he darted through the wood.

He wanted to scream to the stupid birds to shut up, but the tweeters and chirps continued to haunt him and made an absurd background to the memories of the night.

He had not expected her to fall like that, a noble woman collapsing into the gutter like a harlot or a boozer when she should have been safe by then. He had expected it to be over as soon as they left Mistress Aud, because even though he could comprehend that the decision was hard he never gave a fleeting thought to the aftermath. Consequences weren't Allan's best side, he tended to ignore them until he was in the middle of it and let the world fill up with regrets. Yet in that alley he didn't feel regret, it was too soon for that. First he simply sensed a perplexed surprise, the thought 'she is falling, why is she falling?' making a trail of question marks all over his face. Then came the fear, the feeling of awe that followed a general sensation of something being horribly wrong. She had fallen into his arms, and it had taken him with too much surprise for him to prepare himself for the extra weight. Instead he slumped back a bit, shifted his body forward to regain his balance and saw her slipping down into the stinking mud.

"Marian?" he said. "Wha' happened?"

She seemed to stir a bit, blinked and put down her hand into a grimy yellow puddle to steady herself. The sucking sound of the mud hugging around her hand was sickening, and it made a puff of reeking odour trickle up into the air between them.

"Are you alright?" Allan said again. "You need to rest a bit? A pint… Some food… My bed…"

Marian managed to give him a sharp glare and Allan grinned at her.

"Look, you'd be alone in my bed obviously," he continued, and saw her head bend down. She nodded. And that was the exact moment that Allan knew something was seriously wrong. She shouldn't nod. Fainting, that was fine. Noblewomen fainted from time to time, it was only natural. But nodding instead of chastising him? Be exhausted and agree when he expected her to sneer? He felt fear gripping his stomach and allowed himself to step back a little, mentally speaking, to study the situation. She had staggered, bent double and fallen into his arms and then down into the mud when he failed to catch her properly. She looked pale and in pain. He noticed now that she was clutching the cloth by her abdomen, her knuckles white in the fading light, and she was rocking her body back and forth.

"It hurts?" he said.

She lifted her head and met his eyes with a faint smile, but he could see the despair in her eyes screaming louder than a battle cry. "Yes," she said.

"Yeah well…" What should he say!? He was a man - he wasn't equipped for handling situations like this. "I'm sure it's to be expected though isn't it? I mean I wouldn't worry too much…" His voice trailed off as she removed her hand and he could see a dark spot on her dress. "Is that… mud?"

Marian shook her head. "I'm bleeding," she said in a strained voice. "A lot. I think I should lie down somewhere…"

"But that is normal though isn't it? I mean with the baby away mind you, you might expect something… I've heard."

"Through the linen? Through the dress? Through…" Marian gasped and gave out a little moan of pain.

"Right," Allan said, and then his normally so sly mind went blank.

They had been wasting time! As Allan continued to spur on the horse through the forest that was what plagued him the most. At every single choice he had to make he had doubted. How do you choose a path when all seems equally bad?! He had been sitting in the gutter with Marian as darkness fell over the city and the different choices lined up in his head. Go back to the castle with her. Take her to The Black Sheep. Leave her here and go for help. Go back to Mistress Aud. Even as he picked her up he had doubted, walking with her leaning heavily against him, her muddy clothes reeking. She didn't speak but he could hear that she was in pain. It was in the way she moaned when he walked too fast for her, he could hear it in the strained breathing and feel it in her tense body.

The horse leaped over a fallen tree trunk and Allan started to regret his choice of route. This forest was wild and savage off the beaten track, admittedly much to the advantage of those hiding in it, but it made his panicking race erratic and perilous. Time. There wasn't enough! But would it have been enough had he done everything right? Had it really mattered if he hadn't stopped to talk with Lot at The Black Sheep? He had been so confused by then, filled with adrenaline from the fear that the consequences of helping Marian might be both her demise and his.

"You're getting 'lucky' tonight matey?"

Allan let his eyes flicker around the room. This was Black Sheep alright, dark as ever but the fireplace was out so there was rather less smoke in the air than on cold nights. He felt bewildered and confused, a feeling that only was amplified by Lot Twittle's improper words coming from his usual corner. It was so ordinary and expected, yet that was exactly what made it feel so utterly wrong. It didn't seem right that the world was behaving normal in a time like this. Marian's weight was heavy against Allan though she seemed to have drifted off again, and clung to him rather like a baby grips around anything put in its palm.

"Wha'?" he said to Lot's question, aware that the man spoke but shut the actual meaning of the words out. Jess Littlelamb was nowhere to be seen.

"She's a looker her," Lot continued and grinned at the pale, exhausted Marian. "A dunk looker, ay that's the best kind. You think she'd consider seconds?"

"Wha'?!" Allan exclaimed again, a bit absentmindedly. He had a vague comprehension of what Lot was talking about but was to busy scanning the room for its owner to give him much attention.

"Well ya know," Lot rambled on. "It's been a while… A bloke like me… Mates share, that's all I'm saying… mate." Allan suddenly turned to him and realised that the boozer had the greedy, lustful look he usually reserved for the first free pint of the evening.

"Listen," Allan restrained himself from the urge to drop Marian and smash Lot Twittle's head against the wall. "Back off or I'll knock out that lonely tooth in your face alright? Not that you need it," he scoffed, "being on a strictly fluid diet…Now where is Jess?"

"Jess?" Lot peered at him, as usually rather impressively unmoved by the scorn and plain threats thrown at him. "So one isn't 'nuff huh? My mate Allan-a-Dale… Stud," he grinned. "Rumours 'ave it you swinging the other way you know…"

"Yeah you started those rumours!" Allan exclaimed annoyed. He had been rather amused about the tales of 'him and a boy… his cousin… kissing and stuff' in the beginning, but that kind of rumour easily gets unpleasant when it evolves from the puppy-state. Rumours were a lot like wild animals in that way. You adopted them when they were small and cute, but then they grew and evolved into huge untamed monsters with teeth as kitchen knives, and started to eat the neighbour's children. "Where is Jess!?" Allan said with a bit more force. "I need 'er! Now!!!"

"Allan?" Jess Littlelamb came out from the kitchen, then halted and took in the scene. "Lot don't bother my customers," she continued with a sort of mild authority and put away the wooden spoon she had been carrying. Lot reacted to the soft words as if they burned him and crawled away into a corner, leaving Jess to stare steadily at Allan and Marian.

"Look," Allan said. "It's not what it looks like alright?"

"It never is with you," Jess responded calmly. "Allan I will not make any questions. I will not judge or draw any conclusions. I will help you and your friend."

The relief flushed over Allan and he opened his mouth to pour his gratitude at her. This wasn't only his problem any longer! Someone else was involved, someone that would know what to do! For the first time since Marian fell he felt a faint hope that it might work out after all.

"I am not finished yet," Jess interrupted him before he had a chance to thank her. "This is not a convent, I do not sell mercy. If she stains a sheet then you replace it. Whatever is used or destroyed in any way will be paid for." Jess Littlelemb was firm when it came to matters of money since it was the only way to stay afloat in her line of work. You couldn't be kind and maintain a successful business. "Are we agreed?"

Allan swallowed and nodded severely. This was not a time for jokes.

"Good," Jess said. "You are lucky business is slow tonight. I'll help you carry her up to your room."

Allan had halted the racing horse, the pounding of its hooves against the ground for a moment replaced by his own thudding heart. He felt out of breath, his body exhausted and the horse in a terrible condition. The animal bent down and drank greedily from the shallow stream that Allan knew as one of the mapping points for the forest. All trees look much the same to humans, and even other trees don't feel any need to tell each other apart very often. Thus you learned to know where you were by different water accumulations, changes in vegetation and anything that was somewhat stabile and carried some characteristics. He looked around and realised that he was further south than he expected, the stream was too wide. He tugged the reins of the tired horse, knowing that the animal would get sick if he drank too much too fast in this state, and started to steer him upriver. If he was right then he would be able to reach the camp within half an hour, and the thought made him hesitate in spite of being in such a hurry. This was unknown territory, he had no way to predict what awaited him at his destination and thus the future unfolded before him as a gaping black hole. We usually have an idea where our lives are heading but Allan didn't even know where his life had been lately. The only thing he felt sure of was that this was what he had to do, and he had to do it fast. He had spurred the horse into a gallop again, and his feet were wet with the clear water from the stream splashing up in fountains as the hooves broke the calm surface.

Allan had been standing in a corner most of the time since Jess offered to help. He felt useless in this setting, couldn't be any comfort to Marian and her body was a mystery to him even on the outside. Who knew what was behind a human's skin? There were blood for sure, and Allan had always imagined it to be much like a sponge soaked in water under the surface. The skin somehow kept it all together. Yet he had seen the inside of animals and knew that he was probably mistaken about the sponge. There were parts and objects of different shapes (and flavours, but he'd rather not consider that detail) inside, and somehow they must interact to make it all function. It was a miracle when you thought about it, something so complex only God could fully comprehend it. So what use was he? The tavern trickster.

He saw Jess sit by Marian, gingerly examining her under the blankets. Then a sheet fell back and revealed a naked thigh, making Allan turn away with uncharacteristic respect for her virtue. He caught a glimpse of some blood smeared over the skin, no strange sight to a man used to battles but this was the blood of someone he cared for.

"How is she?" he said in a hushed voice and both women turned to him. Marian's eyes seemed tired and a bit absent and she let her head roll back again without noting that she was, in fact, in the room as well.

"I have no medical training," Jess pointed out. "But there is too much blood. You should consider getting someone."

"Like a doctor?" Allan said. "Not being funny I don't trust them much…Neither does Lady M I reckon."

"Like a priest," Jess stated calmly.

This was it, a shrubbery that he knew so well, and he dashed through it instead of letting the horse take a tiny detour to avoid the thorns. If he followed this smaller stream he would come to the pond where he first sought out Djaq, found her praying in her Saracen was and gave her the spices. The reminiscence made him smile in spite of the occasion not being particularly happy. The way her dark hair caught the sun. The first brief taste of her closeness. The odd smell of the spices that made her smile with nostalgia. He felt a moment's queasiness when he realised that it all started there, and somehow he knew he should be regretting the memory. Yet he couldn't. Whatever happened in this sordid story he couldn't regret giving happiness a chance. Happiness. That had never been a goal before. Surviving had been a goal. Prospering had been a goal. Happiness? He had always thought of that as a minor bonus to playing ones cards right. No one ever asked him 'Are you happy?'. They asked him if he was proud of himself, or if he was satisfied. He wasn't proud. He wasn't satisfied. But for a brief moment in time he had been feeling happy.

The hooves sunk into the damp ground by the small creek and with fear making his body stiff he realised that he was nearly there…

"Right…" Allan watched Marian. Priest. Damn it! A doctor would be preferable, and if he told Guy… No he couldn't tell Guy. He would kill Marian when he found out the reason for her condition. "Right," he said again. "Right… Well there is Djaq."

"Djaq?" Jess said absently as she picked up some stained sheets and put them in a basket.

"Yeah well… She is a doctor of sorts…"

Jess nodded. "Get her if you feel so inclined, but I would think it wiser to get her a priest. And is there someone she cares for? She should not be alone." The barmaid apparently knew enough about people to see that Marian and Allan were merely acquainted.

"Robin," Allan said and nodded. "Yeah, 'im I should get… Mind you it will take some time."

"No!" Marian's eyes had shot open and she made an effort to wiggle herself up into a half-sitting position. "Allan, do not get Robin… Please, I beg you…"

"Look," Allan stated firmly. He was useless in all of this but Jess was right about one thing: Marian should not be alone. "You're weak now right? You're not thinking straight or whatever. I will get him."

"No…" Marian shook her head but she had sunk down onto the pillow again. The physical effort seemed to have made her exhausted, and she wept silently with her eyes aimed on something beyond this world. Then she furred her brow as if a thought hit her and turned to Allan again. "No…Yes," she said with a resigned smile. "I'm too proud. Perhaps you should get him."

Allan gave her a crooked grin before he dashed out from the little room, his heart in his throat as the chilly air of the small hours hugged around him. In spite of being practically outlawed by the outlaws he had to venture into Sherwood Forest.

The camp was only minutes away when Allan dismounted. There would be traps, and whatever he walked into he would prefer to be closer to the ground when it happened. He took a firm grip around his sword, then hesitated and backed a few feet again, deciding to leave all the weapons by the horse. Robin wouldn't kill an unarmed man. He felt almost certain about that. The leaves didn't rustle under his feet as he went, instead they made a wet sucking sound and he could feel his socks getting soaked through the thin leather soles. He watched the trees for any sign of the outlaws, then something tightened around his ankle and the world was turned upside down in one very swift swoop. First there was a snatching sound of a branch being released and he fell down on the damp ground, only to feel the pressure around his ankle strain even more and his foot disappeared up into the sky dragging the rest of his body with it.

It was difficult to read the outlaws' expressions as they moved in on him, his foot hurt from the rope holding his entire weight and the cloak had fallen down and draped around his head like a tablecloth.

"Is this your new doorbell?" he exclaimed and his little voice of reason gave him a resigned sigh. This was a very bad time for jokes, but he always joked when he was nervous. "Charming," he added. "Now let me down!"

"Let you down?!" Robin scoffed. "Now why would we want to do that?"

"Look, I'm unarmed, I come for a reason!"

"What reason?"

"Let me down first!" Allan tried to interpret Robin's upside-down expression, but he felt dizzy and nauseous as the rope rocked him back and forth like a windlass.

"Let him down!"

Allan felt a familiar tug in his stomach as Djaq's voice reached his ears. She was standing behind the other outlaws and he could only see a vaguely Djaq-formed shape, but there was something a bit tense and dejected about her appearance.

"He is unarmed and alone," she continued. "He will not harm us."

"Perhaps he's just bringing more spices," came Much's mocking voice.

"No spices!" Allan tried to lock his other foot around the rope to distribute his weight better but every time he moved he felt a burning pain in his ankle. "Listen Robin, it is Marian…"

"Marian?"

"I'm not saying more until you…"

There was the creaking sound of a bowstring, then Allan felt the rope give away over him and he fell down on his head with a thud. He experienced a moment's confusion when his body didn't know witch way was up in the world, then he crawled over to his side and started to rub his aching ankle.

"Don't move," Robin hissed and Allan could hear the bowstring stretch again. "What about Marian? Tell me now!"

"Yeah, yeah hold your horses," Allan mumbled. "Listen I don't want you to overreact alright…"

"Tell me!" An arrow hit the ground beside Allan's hand and he shied away from it.

"Alright, look mate. She had this… trouble. And I though I should help you know? I meant no harm!" He looked up at the outlaws' worried faces full of dread for what was about to follow, and swallowed hard. "The thing is she was with child…And she couldn't… So I know this lady… Mistress Aud… but then she just fell on the way back and there was blood Robin, so much blood! Look it is not my fault! She is on the Black Shee…"

Then it all happened so fast. Allan felt a blow to his jaw and fell back with a burning pain, suddenly aware of a weight over him. Somewhere in the distance there was a shrill yell from Djaq and then a hand clenched around the buckle on his cloak making it difficult to breathe. He stared up into Robin's eyes, saw the gaping insanity gazing back at him with pure unfiltered hate and realised that his chest was pinned down by his former leader's knee. Reasoning, how did you reason with Robin when the berserk in him had taken over? The simple truth was that you didn't, not unless you were Marian and she wasn't here now. She may never be here again. Allan felt his head pound to the ground, be lifted up and plunged down again in forceful rhythmic motions like the beating of a drum. There was sky and trees bobbing back and forth behind Robin's head and somehow everything else phased out. He was vaguely aware of a woman shouting but it seemed so distant, as if it all happened to someone else. So this was it. He would be slowly smashed to death, blow by blow, in front of the woman he loved. The sky was blue now, no sign of the rain that fell so hard that night, and a bird moved between the trees, jumping from branch to branch and heaving its little chest in joyful chirping. His head hurt, the pounds came more irregular now but the fall was bigger. He had been facing death before, more times than he could count. Much's pessimism had always annoyed him because he knew that there were ways out of the direst situations, and whining never worked. He had even been hanging from a noose, air being cut off as the ground disappeared beneath his feet. Yet this time was different, because never before had he felt such a relief facing his own demise. He was a man that always fought for his life however pathetic it was. There had to be a tomorrow, things couldn't end now. The prospect of not being there as a new day dawned had always frightened him, the fact that the world could go on without him. But as his head hit the ground time and again the chirping bird became a blurry shadow and the trees were merely green strokes of paint against blue sky because his eyes couldn't keep up with the speed. And he didn't try to fight it. He made himself limp and left his resignation on Lady Fortune's desk. There were too many things too impossible to face. It would be easier this way.

Then something changed. The weight was lifted and his head was left lying still in the leaves. The world seemed to be spinning above him, he felt dazed and bewildered and the rough hostile hands were exchanged for new ones. But these were soft. They caressed and stroked him gently, almost tenderly, although they seemed worried and nervous. He became aware of the voices rising around him, first Robin's harsh yelling and then a female voice right by his side.

"No!" Robin screamed. "Let me go! He needs to be hurt! I have to… Let me go!!! Don't do this! Much, Much you understand. Tell them… And Will!"

"No Robin." Allan realised that Djaq's voice was trembling and strained as if she had been crying and it was so close to him that he could feel the air move. "I will not et you!"

"But why!? Why do you defend him? He is a killer!"

"Yes! And so am I. And you! We are all killers!"

"Marian… Djaq I have to do this for Marian! And he…"

"And I love him!"

Allan could feel the tension in the air, it was heavy like lead from all unspoken words crowding the space between the outlaws. Well that sure shut them up, he thought and forced himself to concentrate on the scene around him. Djaq was kneeling beside him. She had a hand around his neck and the other on his chest, and she was so close that he could feel every sharp, trembling breath.

"I love him…" she repeated a bit softer, barely more than a dejected whisper from her lips, and her fingers grazed the cloth over his heart. She must feel it beat like a drum against her palm, and he hoped she realised it was his body answering back, bouncing her words between them.

"Ah," Much finally broke the silence. "Well that explains a lot… Spices? Hah! Well that should have been obvious shouldn't it? After all what does it mean when a man buys expensive trinkets to a lady? I really can't believe you lot didn't see it..."

"Much." Robin had sunk down on the ground as Little John had let go of him, the berserker finally subdued, and he shook his head sadly. "It is enough. We cannot deal with this now. Allan…"

The sound of his name made Allan forced himself up into a sitting position and Djaq's hand moved down from his neck until it rested on his back instead. She was cradling him, forming a barrier between him and the rest of the outlaws. Yet she couldn't shield out their open hostility and Will's eyes burned and tore through Allan. He loved Will. And Will hated him.

"She is at the Black Sheep, in my room," Allan said. "Look, she is in a bad state Robin… Jess is looking after her. Said to get a priest. I thought Djaq was better though."

Silence fell again while Robin's eyes locked into Allan's. They weren't hateful in this moment, merely questioning as if he didn't quite understand what Allan was trying to say. Somehow 'Marian is dying'entered the conversation without even being spoken out loud, and Robin wanted him to take it back.

"Well," Little John said finally. "That is settled then. We go to Nottingham."