Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi. Or any of the Catholic readings/prayers featured in this chapter. I guess god owns them…?
Author's note: This is in Clare's POV. It's the same day as Eli's. In case you're wondering who Luke is, he's the Asian guy in Umbrella pt. 1. Yup, that's his name. Sorry if I have any mistakes, I did a lot of editing for the newspaper this morning and my eyes are in pain. :/
Clare left the classroom, feeling slightly subdued as she walked down the hallway. She still had a few minutes to kill before the next class, so she decided to check if there were any special announcements on the bulletin board, thinking that maybe she could find some extra-curricular activity to keep her distracted. She read some of the fliers but couldn't concentrate, still thinking about the fight her parents had the night before.
Clare heard some laughter down the hallway, but focused on the board, trying to ignore the cheerfulness of the people around her. A brand-new school year, but it felt the same to Clare. She suddenly felt someone standing next to her and she glanced. It was the boy sitting behind her in English class, and she studied his profile, her eyes focusing on his clenched jaw, his lips, the perfect tip of his nose. Clare could feel her face getting red and she looked away, staring blankly at the board, her breathing becoming a little shallow. She glanced again and saw how he bit his lip in concentration and her stomach lurched in a very pleasant way. What is going on? she thought anxiously and looked away again. Talk to him, ask him something. Wait, why? Don't! He's just someone in your class... what are you doing, Clare Edwards?
Her internal battle seemed to drag on forever, and her lips parted to speak, not sure what would come out of them. "I agree with you," she said softly. She turned to face him and he was looking straight at her in an amused way.
"Sorry?"
Oh, great, I'm making a fool of myself, she thought. "With what you said in English class," said Clare, her face growing hot. "Not about McCourt being misleading, but the writing thing."
His expression changed, and he looked interested in what Clare was saying. "Oh, I've read a lot of bad books," he shrugged. "The DaVinci Code for some reason comes to mind. Incredibly overrated."
Clare's heart fluttered for an instant when the boy spoke those words. "Yeah, that was a pretty subpar book," smiled Clare. Not to mention that it was blasphemous, she thought, but she didn't want to appear like a Jesus freak to the boy.
She looked at him in the eye and noticed the sadness behind his green eyes. This puzzled her because he was smiling at her, but his eyes weren't being sincere. "I'm Eli, by the way," he said. "I just transferred."
"Clare." Eli's eyes focused on her hand and she frowned, feeling uneasy. She folded the paper she was holding and hid it in her English book, and when their eyes met again, Eli appeared to be concerned for some reason.
"So, do you like it here so far?" asked Clare, attempting to make conversation.
"I've only been here for a couple hours so… it's all right," he said, and his lips curved in a smirk that Clare found very attractive. "Very different from my other school."
"Really? Well, there is a lot of drama going on in here," said Clare. "You were warned."
"Drama in high school… who knew?" mocked Eli, making Clare giggle. He was making her forget her anger for a moment and Clare felt grateful towards him, in a way.
"I have to go to my next class," said Eli rather brusquely. Clare tried not to frown… had he noticed the sudden happiness in her eyes? She didn't want him to get the wrong idea.
"No problem," she grinned awkwardly, feeling very self-conscious. "I have to go as well… I'll see you around, I guess."
Did she really want to see him again? She only knew that Eli's presence made her uncomfortable and nervous, and she didn't know what to think of it.
"Yeah, sure," said Eli carelessly, and Clare felt like a fool. "We do have a class together, after all." There was a slight tension in the air and Clare just smiled before walking away, her mind reeling, her heart crashing.
"Clare!" called Alli, running over to her with a huge smile on her face. "I've been looking for you, are you all right? You just ran away after K.C…"
"I'm great," lied Clare, wanting to drop the subject.
"So, do you want to hang out after school today?" asked Alli, her voice full of hope. "Spend a girly afternoon with your bestie?"
"I would love to, but… I have to go to my youth group at church today," said Clare, glad she had an excuse. "Maybe tomorrow?"
Alli looked disappointed, but smiled again almost instantly. "Okay, Clare, as long as you feel better, I'm okay with it. Look at you, ditching me to go hang out with Jesus. Not cool!"
Clare chuckled as Alli grabbed her by the arm and grinned. "Come on, Clare Edwards. Let's go check out the new guys at Degrassi. They better be hot!"
Later
"I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life ever lasting. Amen."
Luke glanced around the room after reciting the apostles' creed, his eyes fixing on Clare. Clare looked right away, knowing that Luke would find a chance to talk to her about the break up with K.C. Dating someone else was the last thing in her mind, especially someone like Luke.
"So, today we're discussing the cardinal virtues," said Luke haughtily as all of them sat down at the table in the middle of the room. "Can anyone list them for me?"
The teenagers present just glanced at each other, not really wanting to be there. Most of them, except for Luke and Clare, were there because their parents made them or because their Confirmation was near and they needed the lectures.
"Prudence, fortitude, justice and temperance," said Clare, and her eyes met briefly with Luke's. He smiled warmly at her and she looked away at once.
"Very good, Clare," said Luke approvingly. "Prudence is-"
Luke continued talking, but Clare wasn't paying attention. She kept thinking of the poem, of the broken words and feelings that poured out of it, and she wondered if she would ever find out who wrote it. She scribbled on her notebook as Luke continued to talk, writing random words here and there, and she thought suddenly of Eli.
All the way back to her house she kept thinking of Eli's sad eyes, of his grief-stricken voice and she wondered what was going on with him. She was a curious girl and she felt that Eli was hiding something… and part of her wanted to know what. She also thought that she was being foolish, being so curious about someone she had just met.
After a painful hour, Luke stopped talking and dismissed all of them, and Clare realized that she hadn't paid attention at all. She closed her notebook and stood up, and she noticed Luke walking over to her.
"Are you okay? You seemed a little distracted today," said Luke, touching her gently on the arm.
"I'm fine," said Clare rather standoff-ish. "Busy day. See you on Sunday, Luke."
She walked out of the room, holding her notebook close to her chest and avoided eye contact with people in the hallway. She finally reached the front door and pushed it open, relieved to breathe in the fresh air. Her house wasn't that far away from the church, so she walked, not wanting to call her mother to pick her up. Clare wanted to avoid her parents as much as she possibly could, she couldn't stand their fighting and bickering anymore. She hated when her mother made snide comments about her father, as if asking Clare to pick a side. She couldn't pick a side, she loved them both, even if apparently they didn't love each other anymore.
She just walked, enjoying the cold wind brushing her face, and breathed in and out deeply. She admired the houses in her neighborhood as she walked, wondering about the lives of the people living in them. Were they struggling to remain together just like her family? Or was she the only one fearing for the future of her parents' marriage?
Clare finally saw her house in the distance and sighed sadly at the sight of it. It wasn't a home anymore, it was just a construction filled with sadness and bitterness, and she felt suffocated every single second she spent in it. She unlocked the front door and as soon as she walked in she heard her parents, yelling at each other, and Clare was amazed at the amount of time her parents would dedicate to fighting. She wished that they paid attention to her instead, but she knew that it was a hopeless cause. She was falling apart in front of them but they were too busy hating each other to notice. It was like she was invisible, like she didn't matter, and Clare wondered if it made any sense to be alive.
She locked herself in her bedroom and leaned against the door, sobbing. After a while she stopped crying, but she could hear her parents screaming downstairs and winced, feeling nauseous and intensely sick. She ran to her bathroom as she pressed her hand against her mouth, and threw up violently in the sink, the bitterness of the bile burning her throat and mouth. Her eyes were burning due to vomiting, and she was gasping for breath.
"This needs to stop," she muttered to herself. She had been stressed for several months now, and the throwing up occurred with alarming frequency. Clare kept it to herself, because she felt that her secrets were keeping her sane in a way. She brushed her teeth thoroughly and rinsed her mouth, avoiding looking at her reflection in the mirror. She walked out of the bathroom and searched through her bag, looking for her English book. She found it and opened it where she had hidden the poem, and she could feel tears stinging her eyes once again.
Clare lay on her bed and remained there, listening to her parents shouting at each other. Their voices carried all the way up to her room and she clutched the poem again, feeling a little hot in her jacket. Clare closed her eyes, holding the poem close to her, and she thought of the mysterious boy with the sad, green eyes.
She thought of nothing else.
A/N: The first three chapters were for mere exposition purposes, so starting next chapter the story is going to be a little more fast-paced. Thanks for reading! :)
