Chapter Three - Lost
Booth spent the rest of the day shadowing Sweets. He came to a couple of interrogations, even getting to advise some of the agents, using the microphone and earpiece. It was sorely reminiscent of how Sweets advised himself and Bones when they questioned suspects from behind the mirror. It reminded him of how Bones had been making a genuine attempt to get better at interrogating and generally improve her people skills. He hated that he had, in all likelihood, ruined what he and Bones shared.
Throughout the day, he gradually recalled more of the previous evening's events. He learned that Bones had invited him over for dinner, though he still couldn't remember why exactly. He wasn't even sure Bones had given him a reason. They'd ordered Chinese food, and they'd talked on the sofa for a long time. He knew she'd asked him something, something very important, though it was completely beyond him what it had been about. Whatever it was, knew that it didn't take long for him to leave after she asked.
It had been a short argument. Booth had no idea what on earth it could have been about, but he knew was that that was all it took for him to storm out of the apartment in a rage, leaving his beloved Bones in tears.
The day culminated with Sweets and Booth sitting in the Royal Diner. Booth recounted to him all the little details he'd learned during the day, with Sweets jotting them down in a notebook, fascinated. It was when Booth was about to swallow a mouthful of cherry pie that everything appeared to go black for a moment, before the previous night's events began to play in front of him like a movie:
Booth and Bones were sitting on the sofa in her apartment, eating their Chinese food and talking about the day's events. They were just about ready to wrap up yet another case, and they were pretty happy with themselves. They were laughing about some sort of joke, when Bones' face suddenly became serious. She looked down at her feet for a moment, before looking up at Booth, straight in the eye.
"Booth, I've been thinking about...something, for a while now." She began.
"What it is, Bones?" Booth asked, intrigued.
"Well, it's just that I'm...I'm getting older, Booth, and...I'm still...pretty much...alone."
"Don't be ridiculous, Bones, you're not alone, you got me!" Booth smiled.
"No...I mean I...I don't have...you know...I'm not in a serious relationship with anyone, and I haven't been for a long time. I mean, I don't understand why I feel like this, but I kind of just want to settle down, and...I dunno...have a family."
"What? Bones, I don't understand. You've always been against marriage. What about the whole 'humans are not a monogamous species' thing?"
"But Booth, isn't our whole reason for being to pro-create, to continue the species?"
"Wait, are you saying you...want a child?" Bones nodded, a little nervously.
"I don't want to be alone forever, Booth." She said quietly.
"But, like I said, you have me, Bones. You'll never be alone."
"That's good, for now. But, someday, you're going to meet someone who you love, and you'll want to get married and you won't have that much time for me, which I completely understand. Plus, recently I've begun to warm to the idea of another human being relying entirely on me. It's completely irrational, but the idea of having at least one person in the world who'll love me unconditionally...it's sort of attractive." Booth smiled, putting an arm around her.
"Sounds like someone's biological clock is ticking."
"I don't know what that means." Bones said simply. Booth smiled again.
"It's doesn't matter. My point is, it's completely natural to go through a phase of wanting a child. As you said, Bones, it's what we were all born to do."
"You think so"
"Of course. Heck, sometimes I even think it'd be nice to have another child."
"Really?" Booth nodded.
"Sure. I'd especially love a little girl to spoil." Bones smiled.
"So, you like being a father?"
"Bones, being a parent is the single most wonderful thing in the world."
"And you want another child?"
"Maybe, someday, but I'm not with anyone at the moment, so I don't see it happening anytime soon."
"What if...never mind." Bones began.
"What if what?"
"It's stupid, Booth. It doesn't matter."
"I'll never think anything you say is stupid." Booth grinned at her.
"You will."
"Bones, just spit it out."
"What?"
"Just tell me what you wanted to say."
"Fine. I was just...wondering...if maybe...you wouldn't mind being...the father of my child." Booth was silent. "See! I told you it was stupid." Booth tried to speak, but his mouth just opened and closed several times, not unlike a fish. Eventually he managed to get something out.
"What?!" He exclaimed incredulously. "What?!" He repeated. He couldn't quit believe what he was hearing. "You want me to...What?!"
"Look, just forget it, it's stupid."
"I can't just forget it, Bones. You're not exactly the kind to not think these kind of things through before even thinking of voicing them, so this isn't a 'spur of the moment' thing. You were serious about this."
"But you obviously don't want to, so it's okay."
"I never said I didn't."
"Really?"
"But Bones, I couldn't be...what would that mean for us?"
"Well, I was thinking you could donate the sperm, and no one would ever have to know it was you. You wouldn't have to have anything to do with the baby."
"What, like a business transaction."
"I guess so."
"You think I'd just let you have my child and not have anything to do with it?" Bones nodded. "I could...I could never do that Bones."
"Why not? I mean, it makes sense. You have sperm, I have perfectly healthy eggs, a womb, and I want a child. Like I said, no one would ever have to know."
"It makes sense? You don't just create a little human being, another life, just because it makes sense to. Logic cannot be applied to everything, Bones."
"I don't see why it can't be applied to this situation."
"That's because you're so hyper-rational Bones! Love is not rational!"
"What? Who said anything about love?"
"I...meant the unconditional love the baby would have for you." Booth covered weakly.
"I may be crap at reading people, Booth, but I can tell when you're lying to me." Booth decided to just let out all the pent up emotion from the past four years in one burst.
"Oh my God, Bones, are you friggin' blind?! I love you!" He shouted, standing up.
"What?" Bones asked quietly.
"I LOVE YOU!" He repeated, louder than before. "I love you, and I have loved you for longer than you could ever imagine, and right now, I cannot understand why." A tear trickled down Bones' soft cheek, and she remained silent. "All I know is, I could never treat the conception of the child I have with someone I love as much as you like a business transaction, and quite frankly, I'm not sure I could love someone who would do that anyway." Bones' big, blue eyes welled up with more tears, but Booth hardly noticed. "You, Bones, you're an absolutely amazing person. You solve murders like no one else in the world can. You're insanely intelligent, you're the most beautiful person I've ever met and you're so much more than what others can simply see. But, Bones, you're damaged, and that's not your fault, but it's the truth. You just...can't relate to other human beings like a normal person. You try and try to learn and get better, and I thought you were getting better, but this just...it completely proves me wrong." The tears were really flowing now, but Booth just continued. "I love you, Temperance Brennan, more than anything else in the known universe. I always thought I was having a good, positive influence on you, and that maybe you could see me as more than a partner too. But, obviously, I was wrong. If you had any feelings for me at all, you'd have known that I could never accept such an offer. A sperm donation? What do you take me for? You're just as cold and rational-thinking as ever!" He walked past her, pulling on his coat hastily and making his way to the door. As he opened it, he turned back to face her, shellshocked on the sofa.
"You know what, Bones? Sometimes I wish you were just...normal!"
Then he slammed the door behind him and stormed out of the apartment building.
"Earth to Booth." Sweets said.
"What?" Booth asked, confused.
"Are you okay? You pretty much spaced out for the past five minutes."
"I...I shouted at her." Booth choked out.
"What? You remembered something?" Sweets asked, hopefully. Booth nodded.
"We...had an...argument."
"About what?"
"She...asked me to...be the father of her child."
"Seriously?" Booth nodded again. "Why?"
"She wants a baby. She doesn't want to be alone forever. I mean, I told her I'd always be there, but she insisted that I wouldn't, that I'd eventually meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I wouldn't have time for her anymore. She said I could just donate the sperm, and no one would ever have to know. It'd be like a business transaction."
"And you couldn't agree to that."
"What she doesn't get is that I've already found that person, who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and it's her." Sweets smiled. Booth sighed. "I told her I loved her, more than anything else in the world. I told her I thought she'd changed, because of me. But the fact that she'd be so cold and rational about the conception of her child...our child...I told her I wished she was normal."
"Well, I can see why she was so upset."
"What? You can't take her side!"
"I'm not taking anyone's side. There are no sides. I mean, I can see why you'd be upset too. You obviously harbour very deep feelings for Bones, and just couldn't handle her approach to asking you to father a child with her, but have you ever thought to read between the lines?"
"What?" Booth asked confusedly, not quite understanding what Sweets was getting at.
"I mean, do you not think that maybe...Bones' was trying to tell you something?"
"Like what?"
"Maybe she was using this 'baby' thing as a way of telling you that you mean more to her than just a partner...or a friend."
"I doubt it, Sweets. She made it pretty damn clear that all she wanted was my sperm."
"I'm not convinced. How did she start the conversation?" Booth thought for a moment.
"Well, she started off by saying she didn't want to be alone."
"And then?"
"She said she wanted to settle down and have a family, despite how irrational that sounded. And I told her that it was just her biological clock, and explained that it was entirely normal for her to go through a phase of wanting a child; I told her that I even sometimes thought it'd be nice to have another child. She asked me if I enjoyed being a parent, and I told her it was the most wonderful thing in the world. Then she asked me if I wanted another kid, and I said yeah, but it wouldn't be happening soon because I wasn't with anyone."
"Hmm, was that when she asked if you'd have a baby with her?"
"Yeah. She started off, but then decided it was stupid before she said it, so I pushed her 'til she told me what she wanted to say." Sweets nodded, smiling.
"How did you react at first?"
"I was completely shocked. She said, 'you see, told you it was stupid' before I could even say anything. When I did speak, all I said was 'What?!'."
"That's what I was thinking. She responded to your reaction by acting like it was no big deal. If you'd been less shocked, or at least had a more positive reaction, I bet you she would have responded differently."
"I doubt that."
"You can't say it doesn't make sense."
"I'm not sure that that's how Bones would've acted."
"I think it is."
"But you don't know her."
"I know, but from what you've told me about her, this seems probable."
"I guess, maybe. I just...I thought she was beyond that. I thought I'd had a good influence on her. I thought she'd changed, for the better. I mean, she'll always be Bones, but she's got a lot of emotional scarring, and I thought I'd been helping to heal that, little by little. Obviously I was wrong."
"Booth, don't you think that this might be a slight overreaction? I mean, surely you've had a good effect on her. Didn't you mention before that she never wanted children? Don't you think it's possible that you're the reason she wants children in the first place? I mean, after all, she asked you, when she could have easily gone to a sperm bank. She didn't want just anyone's child, she wanted your child. I don't know Bones extremely well, but I know enough about psychology to know that this was a very big deal for her. She was putting herself in a very vulnerable position, out of her normal comfort zone, and you pretty much shot her down."
"What?"
"You effectively told her that she wasn't normal, and that that was a bad thing too."
"I did." Booth sighed. "I'm an ass. A complete and utter ass."
"Well, in your defence, she caught you completely off-guard. It's fairly understandable that you'd react the way you did."
"But I love her because she's not normal. She's unique and she never fails to surprise me. She's not perfect, but she's the most amazing person I've ever met. I...I can't bear to be without her." Sweets smiled.
"Then you've just got to find her."
"But how? How the hell am I supposed to find her? I don't even know how I lost her!"
"I don't know, Booth. But I think you know the answer already."
"No, I don't."
"Hey, you didn't think you knew what happened last night, but you remembered that eventually." Sweets sighed. He looked genuinely upset that he couldn't do anything to help. "Look, I can't help, but I'm certain we'll figure it out soon. You and Bones are obviously meant for each other, and while the path of true love never did run smooth, I think you guys will get your happy ending." Booth smiled.
"Thanks, Sweets." He was still upset about Bones, more than he could say, but hearing someone else say that he and Bones were meant for each other, even if that someone didn't actually know Bones properly, was nice.
It gave him hope.
A/N - Hope you guys enjoyed that! Please review!
