1
Window Reflections
Welcome to America Mr. Brand
Sliding into her station wagon, Amanda took a deep breath and looked around the familiar car. There were no levers and pull toggles. There were just the familiar dials and buttons, and the interior was a bit worn by children and their gear. Of course the car also had a few marks and scrapes and new parts that only she was aware of. Well, Lee and the Agency mechanics knew of them as well. James' car had been flashy and full of imaginary bells and whistles. In some ways the cars were like the two of them. She was a suburban mom who wanted more than folding nappies, and he was a British accountant who wanted to be James Bond. Huh, she laughed to herself. What a week she just had.
She had never really liked it when the Agency had used her to be the hospitality liaison for other country's intelligence agencies. The only other time her tour guide role had been enjoyable was the time she had taken Emily Farnsworth on a tour of DC. The last visitor hadn't been able to keep his hands to himself at all, and she had told Lee that she would only do that again if he could ensure that the visitor was a gentleman. James was most definitely not a grabber. He truly was a wonderful, if not slightly exasperating, man. At first she had been prepared to spend the evening full of conversations about pensions and expenditures. She was not at all prepared to encounter a man who couldn't take the smoke of his own cigarette and tucked the table cloth into his pants all while trying to be one of England's smoothest operatives. And when he asked her for her help because she could add a fresh perspective she was intrigued. When he told her they were kindred spirits because they both marched to the beat of a different drummer, something had clicked for her.
It was so true. After the past two years of wrestling with her draw towards the spy work that she had been lead into, she had finally accepted it as her life's work. She really had. She had always wanted more. That was one of the reasons that she hadn't initially objected to her ex-husband Joe's ideas about doing more with his law degree than just playing it safe and working in Arlington. She did like adventure, but she was also committed to raising her family. And for years she didn't think she could have both. The fierce desire to provide a home for her children had caused the death of her marriage and had almost consigned her to a boring suburban life. She had always wanted more, but she'd had to make some difficult choices that she thought were best for her children. And now she had so much more. Sometimes she wasn't sure how to balance it all.
James had been so sweet when he had told her to never change. She smiled to herself. She had already changed in so many ways, and yet, she was still so much the same. She would never be a glamorous woman like Francine – she didn't really want to be, but she hoped that someday she would not get so frustrated when Francine said something to purposely take her down a notch. Maybe someday she would even give Francine a piece of her mind. Francine aside though, what she really wanted for herself was to be able to hold her own at the Agency and work right alongside of all them while being true to herself.
As Amanda prepared to back out of her parking space, she caught her reflection in the driver's side window. She looked tired and a little sad. It had been an exciting case, but it had been unusual too. Usually, she and Lee worked more closely together, and anything that she had been able to accomplish on a case had been done because she was helping him. She contributed, but usually Lee led the way. This week was different. It was as if she had been in Lee's position and James had taken her spot. She was the one watching out for some rookie, keeping him out of trouble and speaking up for his ideas. Eventually, Lee had begun to believe what James had discovered about Clayton Dobbs; he had even stood up for their ideas with Billy. That had been a new experience. Lee hadn't just wanted Amanda's help; he helped her to pursue her theories.
But there had been a slightly different dynamic between them, and Amanda wasn't sure how she felt about it. She had left the Agency today alone. She had been in the office without Lee all afternoon. Usually she was busy with his reports or doing his busy work. Today she sat next to Francine in the bull pen and had written up her own report and then was finished and left. Lee must have been busy with his own case. After saying goodbye to James, he had just walked off to do his own thing and left them alone and that had been that. She had grown so accustomed to being by his side, at his arm, actually. He always had it guiding her at the small of her back. She hadn't always been aware of it at the time, but she had missed it. Maybe that was part of becoming more experienced in the business, maybe it was because Lee viewed her as more of a trusted partner than as some civilian that he had to take care of. Nobody else in the Agency had someone walk them through the bull pen like that. Now she even had her own desk area in there. She kind of missed that close connection with Lee though. It did make her sad.
She knew that she was the one that needed to be watching out for James at the garden party, but she didn't like watching Lee go off to work the party with Francine at his side. After Francine's mean comment about her outfit, she had the distinct impression that Francine was gloating over this change. Would things be different like this more often now that Amanda was getting more agent training? Would Amanda work with a variety of other agents now? Maybe she wasn't really his official partner, maybe he had only been her trainer? When she had finally completed this next level of training, would the powers that be give her someone else to be her partner and place Lee with a partner that had more skills like Francine? These ideas didn't sit well with her and an uneasiness began to form in her stomach.
She didn't really know what the next step at the Agency was for her. At least she knew that she and Lee could still connect, and during this Clayton Dobbs case, she had really felt like Lee had a greater respect for her input than he'd ever had before. He had listened to her opinions and didn't just dismiss them; after all, he went to his contact T.P. to research James' and her suspicions about Dobbs. He had even gotten them into the garden party when Billy had not wanted them there.
So maybe things were changing again, maybe she was taking another step towards becoming even more professional. She was being treated like a professional by others, well, except Francine. At the same time she knew that she would never change. She wasn't going to become some sort of hardened agent. Her strength was in being Amanda. James had told her to never change and she knew better than to try too hard to be something she wasn't. That fiasco at Station One a year ago was proof of that. Just like James had realized that being James Pott was enough and he didn't need to be something spectacular like James Bond, she was just Amanda King, but she was Amanda King!
Earlier in the week she had been swept up in the romance and fairytale glamour of the British royals. Her mother had been filling her imaginations with family trees and connections to ruling families. Philip and Jamie had been pretending to be the "Amazing" and "Not-so-Amazing" King, and James Pott had been trying to enact his fantastical ideas about being a secret agent like James Bond. She'd had illusions of grandeur like that too when Lee had first brought her into the life of the Agency. Her own words from the other day came back to her now as she sat contemplating her current situation in her station wagon outside the Agency. "The best things really do happen when you don't try too hard." She'd had to work hard and be open to learning a lot of new things, but she didn't have to try hard to be an agent like Francine, she just had to be Amanda. It was something that she always knew, but sometimes she needed to remind herself. James' words were true, she wanted more from her life, but she also loved what she already had - her home with Mother and the boys, an exciting job that made a difference in the world and her friendship with Lee. It would be nice to go back to the dynamic she and Lee had before this week when she'd had James as her responsibility; at least she hoped things would go back to the way they were. She had grown accustomed to the comradery that she shared with Lee as part of the job; work would be very different if he wasn't a daily part of it. She wondered if that would be okay with her.
