AN: this is Tanya's POV and the beginning is set about three years ago, then there's a random jump to E's birthday party in the middle.
Disclaimer: All copyright and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. The remaining content is mine.
"Aww," I coo as I shuffle into my roomy spa-inspired bathroom with an aching back and swollen feet. "You ran me a bath."
Edward is standing there looking warm and comforting as usual, head tilted and smiling that lopsided grin. He's drying his hands on a fluffy, white hand towel.
There are dozens of white tealites twinkling on nearly every stable surface in the room. The sleeves of his baby pink button down shirt are rolled to his elbows and he's discarded his belt and shoes. He's barefoot and his dark gray dress slacks are hanging low on his slim hips.
"I did," he nods in confirmation as he checks the thermometer gauging the water temperature. "One hundred degrees, night blooming jasmine and a glass of Pellegrino… no fruit."
I smile broadly and shake my head. He will always know me better than even I know myself.
Edward and I grew up together. He taught me how to ride a bike, how to play the guitar, how to take a bong hit, and Edward gave me my first orgasm when I was 14 years old.
I never considered that this pregnancy could negatively impact him. I honestly believed that what he and I both needed was to settle down and have a family. I assumed that's what he wanted.
Every day I get bigger, more emotional, and less confident that this is the life I dreamed of as a young girl. I'm less convinced that he loves me and wants this.
How could he want this?
Yet here he is, elbow deep in floral scented bubbles, waiting on me hand and foot with a smile on his beautiful face. But the smile doesn't reach his eyes anymore. It hasn't for a long time.
Edward leaves the side of the tub to take hold of a hairbrush that's sitting on my vanity. He asks me to come and sit on the padded chair and once I do, he begins to lightly comb through my wavy locks with fingers and bristles.
My eyes drift shut as he gently massages my ultra-sensitive scalp and my entire body is aflame with his touch. I can hear him humming and the tiles are warm beneath my feet as my body sways comfortably with his sweet caresses.
I will forever cherish the tranquility and sensuality of this moment.
Edward slowly and carefully twists my hair into a loose bun and secures it with a clip. It's high enough on my head that I will easily be able to lay back in the tub and fully relax.
He will always know me better than even I know myself.
"Come on, Sug," Edward pulls me to stand and sweetly grasps the ties on my robe. "Let's get this thing off so I can make me you feel good."
He always knows how to make me feel good.
"You really know how to woo a pregnant lady, you know that Cullen?" I look into his eyes, and he chuckles and bites his bottom lip.
He slips the robe from my shoulders and tosses it over the bench at the foot of the tub. In an instant, he is kneeling before me as if I'm some kind of goddess.
As if I am worthy of his worship.
Edward tenderly caresses my arms, my wrists, and then my sides. His warm fingers gently stroke my round belly before making their way to my thighs, my knees, and my calves.
"Close your eyes," he mumbles, and I hold his shoulders and exhale as he kisses my belly, my hips, and my wrists.
I feel like a frail paper lantern in his arms. There is a flame inside me burning bright and my skin is delicate, fragile to his touch.
Edward takes my hand in his and stands to walk us to the claw foot tub.
When I was nine, I lost my sister Irina's My Little Pony down the well beside my grandparents' orchard. Edward enlisted his cousin Emmett's help, and since Edward was the lighter of the two boys, he rode the pulley down the well to retrieve the doll.
I could tell he was scared, but he did it anyway, because I was crying about how I would get into trouble for losing a toy I never even asked to use. And Edward did not want to see me cry.
When I was 16, I wrecked my mother's Mercedes. I was talking on the car phone and didn't see the pick up truck waiting to exit the parking lot. I drove right under the front fender of the F150.
I called Edward and he immediately came to the site. He paid the guy $100 to not call the cops and then called his friend Tony, who ended up doing us a discreet favor. By the time my parents returned from France, Edward's bank account was $3,000 lighter and my mother's Mercedes was as good as new.
I've come to realize in recent months that I've always seen Edward as my rescuer. I've always known that Edward would take care of me and all I ever wanted was to give back to him. I've always wanted to be to him what he was to me.
I've also come to realize that many other members of our inner circle see him in a similar light.
Last summer my mother and I had lunch with Edward's mother, Esme, as we often do. We met at West Town Tavern because the service is incomparable, and the menu is delicious and varied.
"Esme, you look fantastic!" My mother chirped as we joined Esme at our usual table. "Those vitamins you've been taking are doing wonders for your skin, dear."
My mother and Esme kissed cheeks before I hugged Esme and concurred with my mother's observation. Esme was always beautiful, no matter which vitamins she took. I only hoped that I would be that striking when I was her age.
"You both are just too sweet," Esme fussed and smiled, then reached a hand out to lightly grasp a lock of my hair. "Tanya, darling, you're letting your hair grow again. It looks lovely!"
I attempted to thank Esme for her reciprocal flattery, but my mother interrupted me.
"Yes, doesn't it? I told her it's very becoming," my mother droned. "Besides, if Tanya is to keep the attention of your dear Edward, she'll need all the help she can get!"
"Oh, Carmen," Esme scoffed and rolled her eyes as we sat and began to look over the menu items. "I really don't think that Tanya needs to plot and scheme to gain the attention of any man."
Esme gazed into my eyes with, what I interpreted at the time as, an encouraging look and patted my hand reassuringly.
"If it's meant to be," She turned her attention back to her menu to make up her mind about what to have for lunch, and then took a sip from her water. "Then it will be."
I smiled softly to myself and reviewed the menu choices. At that point I believed that Esme felt the same as me. I had always thought that Edward and I were meant to be, we each simply needed to sow our wild oats, so to speak.
"That's a lovely sentiment," my mother sneered as she perused her menu. "But every woman knows that a man doesn't always recognize what's best for him. Sometimes a man needs a little… encouragement."
Esme chuckled lightly and shifted in her seat as the waiter approached to take our drink orders.
"Manhattan please, Marco," Esme smiled pleasantly at the server and he grinned back.
"Bombay Sapphire, stirred, one olive," my mother snapped, always the Drama Queen.
I rolled my eyes, smirked at Marco and ordered a glass of Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc. Marco smiled at me appreciatively.
"Esme." My mother closed her menu and clasped her hands in front of her, evidently decided on her entrée. "Our children are not getting any younger."
She was right, I wasn't getting any younger and neither was Edward. I thought that maybe we should consider settling down. We traveled together and spent holidays together. It wasn't as if we were incompatible.
"Don't you want Edward to be happy and fulfilled, Esme?" My mother purred as she inspected her manicure. "Don't you want grandchildren?"
Esme looked thoughtful for a moment. After Edward was born, Esme had several miscarriages and finally gave up trying to give birth to another biological child. She once told me that she was pleased to have Kate, Irina, and I so close because we were like the daughters she never had.
"Of course I want him to be happy, Carmen," Esme answered quietly. "But… I will never presume to know what it is that will make him happy. I trust Edward to make his own decisions. I know that he will find the right person and life for himself one day and until then, I'll just have to be patient."
I thought that I could be that person. I thought about supporting Edward, giving him children, giving Esme grandchildren. I thought I could be the missing piece of the puzzle.
"Well…" My mother inhaled deeply and glanced around the table, eyebrows raised. "I hope you're right. Tanya don't forget about your Italy trip in November. You need to watch what you eat."
I exhale deeply as I sink into the warm, scented water. The sensation is delicious and I realize that Edward has chosen my Enya Playlist from my iPod in the docking station.
Aaahhh…
Edward removes his shirt so he doesn't get it wet. Then there is the extra-added benefit for me of being allowed to see and feel his skin with no hindrance.
"To what do I owe this honor, Mr. Cullen?" I ask quietly, looking up at him as he drops the shirt to the floor and pulls a towel from the shelf.
"Pssh," he waves his hand in dismissal as he kneels on the fluffy towel, beside the tub. "Everybody deserves a little pampering. Especially when you're carrying an extra body."
He is ignoring that what puzzles me most about this act is the intimacy, the sensuality. We haven't been like this with each other in years.
He reaches across my body to take the loofah in one hand and my new favorite L'Occitane wash in the other. The wash is lightly scented, which is wonderful because so many scents make me a woozy these days.
Edward squeezes an ample amount of the cleanser onto the loofah, lathers it and begins to pleasantly wash my arms and my legs. He concentrates on my feet, but with very light pressure and mostly just using his hands and fingers, stroking and soaping my toes.
Oh my…
"Seriously, Edward." I breathe. "Not that I'm complaining... but, what brought this on?"
A slight grin lights his face as he trails his fingers back up my calves and thighs, sending shivers of desire throughout my body.
"You know I want the best for you," he murmurs and looks deep into my eyes as his fingers lazily graze my breasts and my collarbone, making me moan in pleasure. "And you need this."
I have been lonely. I've needed this, needed him.
"I want to give this to you," he whispers. "Let me give this to you."
Leaning forward, he kisses my forehead as his left hand cups the back of my neck and his right hand travels down and down until…
"Uhn…" I groan as his fingers stroke my labia and I automatically grasp his wrist in my two hands.
His lips voyage down the side of my cheek and my jaw. He places wet, open-mouthed kisses on my neck and collarbone as his left hand continues to open and close, massaging my neck.
And his right hand…
"Edward…" I whine and moan and his fingers explore my most sensitive spot.
I'm still holding onto his wrist with one of my hands, but now I've brought a wet and soapy hand up to his hair as he kisses me.
He strokes me gently, softly, fingers lightly probing and I'm on fire and flying. His thumb presses down on my clit as he slides one finger into me and I burst apart around him.
As I come down, I wonder if he's been lonely, too.
"I love you," I whisper with tears in my eyes and I wonder if he'll let me make him feel good.
"I know," he whispers back to me and runs his lips across my jaw. "Let's look out for each other. Take care of each other."
"That's what –" I start to run my hand down his bare chest, but he stops my lips from moving with two wet fingers and my hand with his other hand.
"I just need for you to be okay, Sug," his fingers brush my cheeks and jaw. "That's all I need."
He never asks for anything. He never expects anything from me. He just gives, never taking anything in return. If all he wants is to make me happy, then I'll let him make me happy.
I relax into my bath as Edward stands to move the chair from in front of the vanity to sit behind the tub at my back and rub my shoulders.
He is my savior, my knight, my protector.
Edward's Birthday Party
"Where's Eddie off to?" Irina slurs and weaves like the coarse drunk that she is, husband number three groping her shamelessly and openly without a second thought of propriety.
"I told you," I mumble, glancing about the party desperately searching for less loutish company. "He has business in Forks."
"That's right," she mock gasps. "He finally grew some balls and decided to leave you!"
My sister has always been jealous that I was the one to land Edward. But she's not the only one. Half the women at this party look at me with green-eyed envy, the other half look at me with pity.
It's silly, really. Edward and I have come to a point in our relationship where we will always care for each other, but it just… doesn't fit. I will always love him, but I can't live with him and the lie. This separation is a mutual decision.
I glare at Irina and then roll my eyes before composing myself enough to face my other guests.
"Tanya, you've outdone yourself, love," Benjamin catches my attention and leans toward me to kiss my cheek. "Edward must be so pleased… Where is he, anyway? Tia and I have to be leaving soon and we'd like to say goodbye."
He's gone to salvage his life - away from me and my selfish plan to ensnare him.
"Thanks so much, Benjamin," I smile, force as much cheer into my voice as possible, and return his affection in earnest. "I'll pass along your well wishes to Edward. He had to leave for a business trip."
"Oh," Tia pouts. "Well, I'm sure you and Delia will have to visit us soon then, being here all alone."
I won't be alone, Tia. I'll have Allejandro to keep me company.
"Of course," I hug and kiss some more. "I'll call you next week."
I continue to mingle, not drinking my caiparinha, and wonder how Edward's flight is going. I always miss him when he's not around, but I know our relationship is unhealthy and I've been so unfair to him.
I also know that he's spending the night in Denver with James Ashton's widow, and that makes me feel a little less guilty for allowing Allejandro to finger me in the cabana this afternoon.
"Looks like the party's dying down," I hear Kate's wry voice behind me, and I turn to see the look of understanding on her face as she inhales deeply from her Parliament.
"Thank god…" I sigh and snatch the cigarette from her fingers for a quick drag.
No one, not even Edward, knows that I smoke, except for Kate. She chuckles huskily at my clandestine act before I thrust the thing back into her hand.
"Edward left?" She cranes her neck and glances about.
Kate knows my history with, and confused feelings for, Edward. She knows that Edward left tonight and that he isn't coming back. She also knows that I've been sleeping with the pool boy for months.
"Edward left," I confirm with a nod and a smirk. "He's 'laying over' in Denver tonight with Victoria Ashton."
Kate exhales a cloud of smoke and cackles at my pathetic play on words, tossing her cigarette to the ground to step on it with the toe of her sandal.
"He better watch his back," Kate drawls before taking a mouthful of Cabernet. "I heard that once she digs in, she, uh… has a hard time letting go."
"Edward can handle himself," I reply deprecatingly and take a sip of my virtually untouched rum drink. "I taught him well."
"Oh, stop," Kate chastises me. "Edward is a big boy. If he didn't want to marry you, he shouldn't have proposed."
"Kate," I sigh and look up into the night sky. "Is it not possible that I could've used my feminine wiles to… persuade him? I absolutely knew that Edward would come to my aid if he thought I needed him. It's not as if it was ever a secret to anyone that Edward is loyal, family-oriented and eager to please."
She eyes me carefully as I take another swallow of my drink, and then another.
"Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly?" Kate asks. "You did, and I can. But you couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are going to be hard, I suspect. But if it's guilt you're looking for, I'm not your woman. All you'll get from me is my support. And my respect."
I blink slowly once, twice. I look back into Kate's wide blue eyes. I have been so lucky to have her as my sister.
"What about Delia, Kate?" I look down at my feet and lean back into a pillar. "How do we tell her that Edward isn't –"
"Never tell Delia that Edward isn't her father," Kate lowers her voice and looks around to be sure that no one is listening. "She doesn't need to know."
I must be drunk because what she's said to me makes perfect sense. Delia is just a little girl. She doesn't need to know that the giving, kind, loving man she looks up to, who cherishes her so powerfully, is just a guy I duped into marrying me.
She doesn't need to know that her mommy intentionally quit taking her Yasmin three months before going on a trip with her daddy and then "forgot" to use any other form of birth control while whoring around the Southern Italian countryside.
I cease to discuss Delia or Edward and my conversation with Kate dwindles. Kate kisses me goodnight and promises to call me tomorrow. I bid her and my remaining guests farewell.
After leaving instruction with my staff regarding cleanup, I make my way to my room. I wash my face and brush my teeth. I wrap my hair up on my head. I pull my silk pajamas from my bureau drawer and settle in with a book.
It's a ridiculous book, one of those romance novels that my mother is always reading. I started reading them about two years ago, when I realized that Edward didn't love me at all.
You are so sad, Denali.
I decide that the book isn't helping, so I swallow two little, blue pills and turn out the lights. I try to imagine my life without Edward. I'll have Delia, but no real companionship. Allejandro doesn't count; he is only twenty years old, he has his whole life ahead of him. I'm not in love with him anyway.
I sigh and close my eyes and drift into a dreamless state without thought or expectation. I simply sleep.
