*Sam was 9 when his dad was murdered. Not 7. Sorry for the mix-up. So he is 9 in this story.

Same WARNINGS apply.

I do not own MARVEL.

**Sorry for taking so long to update. This story was really hard to write because Sam is only 9 in it and it was hard to write it from such a young perspective**

Sam

I was 9 when my dad was killed. He got in between a heated fight and one of the guy's blades slipped and stabbed him. The wound was fatal. He died right there. Right in my arms. The heaviness of his head weighed me down so much that it made my knees press into the concrete. Even though I saw him lose his life, I didn't react until the day after the funeral when he didn't wake me up for church.

It took my mother 45 minutes to calm me down.

Two guys from different gangs that wouldn't have been able to pick my dad out of a room full of strangers decided that their beef was more important than his life.

We live in a pretty rough neighborhood.

Dad was a minister and we lived where we worshipped. He and my mom refused to move us out of Harlem.

Third grade itself was a blur. I should have been worried about coke bottle volcanoes, milk carton telescopes, and memorizing the acronym for the 9 planets. Instead, I was worried about my mom, grieving about my dad, and afraid to go to the youth center.

My mom was the lady who brought people their medicine and meals at the local hospital. After my dad died, things were tighter than normal. She picked up extra shifts to get us by. Feeding me and paying the bills were her first priority.

Mom didn't feel comfortable with me being at the youth center after school all the time because there were way too many kids to keep an eye on everyone.

It used to just be a Boys Club. There was no Boys & Girls Club back then so it was still predominantly male.

But because there was no one to watch me and mom couldn't afford child care, that's where I went. It was safer then walking home by myself and staying there for hours without adult supervision.

That just left me, Gideon, and Sarah. Gideon and Sarah were my pet finches and a gift from my dad. I liked spending time with them when I was feeling particularly down.

I was allowed to miss school for two weeks before I had to go back.

School made me more miserable. I used to love it. I was popular. As popular as a 3rd grader could be. I was the funny kid that everyone wanted to play with at recess. I held the title for swinging the highest and jumping the farthest.

School used to be fun, but all I got now was pity stares and awkward conversation. My dad was a pillar in the community. Everyone in my class knew him either from when he would pick me up after school, or if they went to church with us.

It was weird, but they missed him too. He was that good of a man.

After school I would go to the Carver-Washington Youth Center. It wasn't a bad place to be, but after 8 hours of class I was tired of people. I just had to stay there for 2 more hours before going home. My mom didn't want me to spend all of my time at home alone. She usually got in at 8. I would make it home at 6:00 and my neighbor Mrs. Carol would heat up the dinner my mom made for me. Most parents got off at 6 and would pick up their children. It used to be like that for me too.

Mr. Jonathan Evans was the new guy. He practically took over the center after Mr. Stiles retired and moved back to Texas to live with his daughter and her family. Because he was younger, he was good with the kids of all ages. He was also quicker on his feet and stopped a lot of fights before they even got started. He had a 4-strike rule.

Get in trouble 4 times and you're out for good. It really snuffed out a lot of problems. The center was the only place that gave you free snacks, helped you with homework, and let you play until your parents came to pick you up. It was an extended recess.

Only kids 10 and under were separated into "classes". It was to keep a better eye on us. All of the other guys had free time to do as they liked as long as they didn't break any of the rules.

It just so happened that the guy who watched the 8 to 10-year-old class was a college student who missed some days because of his part-time job or one of his night classes. On those days, Mr. Evans would watch our class.

He was okay. He talked to me when I was lonely and would leave me alone on the days I didn't want to be near anyone. He made me feel better.

He would listen when I would talk about my dad, which wasn't very often.

He would sit next to me in the restroom when I would cry.

He would bring me little snacks to cheer me up if I was having a really bad week. He was like a surrogate father. I grew to like his company. He even got me talking a little bit more.

My mom noticed and was glad that I was starting to heal. A few weeks went by with no problems other than a few scattered nightmares that my mother held me through.

It was one particular day in October when Mr. Evans offered to take me home. It was around the time it would get darker sooner outside.

He said he wanted to make sure I made it home in one piece. We did not live in the safest neighborhood.

I would love to say that I felt like something was off but I didn't.

We got into his car and he let me ride in the front seat.

I remember being really excited about that. My mom and dad never used to let me ride in the front. Not even if only one of them were in the car and the passenger seat was available.

"You okay there son?"

I gave him my mega watt smile.

"Mhmm. It's just I never get to ride in the front. Everything looks so different up here. Can I turn on the radio please?"

Adults were always more likely to say yes if you said please.

"Sure thing."

I didn't find anything that I liked in particular, but that was fine. I gave Mr. Evans directions and when we pulled up to my house I made to get out.

He grabbed my shoulder and told me he was going to come up with me.

"I'm not sure about that. I'm not supposed to let anyone in. My mom won't be home until 8."

"Hey, it'll be fine. Your mom knows me. You can even show me Gideon and Sarah."

That cleared up any hesitation I had about letting him in really quick. Over the past two months I'd known him, I had told him a lot about my pet finches. Now he would finally get to see them.

"Then let's hurry up."

I heard him laughing behind me while I ran to the front door. I thought I saw Mrs. Carol move her blinds out of the corner of my eye. A few seconds later I was proved right.

She walked down her steps and stopped in front of me.

"Who's your friend here Sammy?"

That was a weird question. Everyone knew everyone in our neighborhood, and I know most of the ladies knew single Mr. Evans.

"This is Mr. Evans. You and mama talk about him at church remember?"

She looked a little embarrassed while Mr. Evans just chuckled and ruffled my hair. I had no clue what was so funny.

"Kids."

Mrs. Carol still looked embarrassed but graciously accepted the out that was provided her.

"Yeah. Aren't they something else?"

I interrupted before they could get a conversation going. Grown ups could talk forever.

"I'm going to show him Gideon and Sarah."

She already knew about my finches. When she would heat dinner up for me I would be feeding them seeds.

She looked a little unsure but Mr. Evans turned on the charm.

"No need to worry. I'm just going to see him get settled in and help with his homework. I'll call his mom to make sure it's okay."

She still seemed hesitant.

I was just shocked. Mr. Evans had just lied and he was always going on about how honesty was important. I always finished my homework at the center. I didn't have any left for him to help me with, but I didn't say anything because I wanted to show him my finches.

"Well alright. But I'll call his mom to ask if it's okay."

"Deal."

His smile was a little tighter, but if you weren't looking you would have missed it.

When we got inside I made a beeline for my room. I brought my finches out and started telling him everything I could remember about them. A few minutes in and Mrs. Carol came over to tell me that my mom said it was okay for Mr. Evans to stay for a few minutes and to call her or Mrs. Carol if I needed anything.

I said okay and she left.

Sarah and Gideon got bored of me so I put them back into their cage in my room. I had no homework to do so we watched television instead. Reruns of The Wonder Years was playing.

I noticed Mr. Evans kept watching the door. I got a little sad at the thought that he was ready to leave so soon. He had only been here 15 minutes and I had already talked him to death.

"I'm sorry if I'm boring you Mr. Evans. You don't have to stay. Mrs. Carol can check up on me."

He moved closer to me.

"Hey kid it's fine. I'm certainly not bored."

"Then why do you keep looking at the door?"

Before he could answer, Mrs. Carol was knocking on the door again.

"I hate to ask this of you, but do you think you could watch little Sammy for a bit longer? My sister called and her and her children's car got stuck so I need to pick them up and take them home. It won't take more than an hour. I'll be back before 8 so no worries there."

Her eyes were pleading with him and he gave her a really big smile.

"Of course it's no problem. It's Friday anyways. We'll be fine."

Mrs. Carol left.

"Cool! You can stay longer."

He gave a deep throaty chuckle.

For the most part we watched T.V. with a little commentary. Mom had made beef cutlets and double cheese scalloped potatoes and after I ate we went back to sit on the living room sofa.

He was sitting really close to me. When he put his hand around my shoulder and pulled me over to him, my stomach gave a little nervous flutter.

"You're a good kid Sam. One of the best."

For some reason it was hard to find my voice.

"Thanks."

"I have something for you."

I was surprised.

"What is it?"

He laughed a little and took out a travel sized bottle of Jack Daniels.

"You want some?"

I could feel my eyes get big.

"But that's for grown ups."

"Well you're mature. I think you can handle it."

I got the feeling that he would be disappointed if I said no.

I took a tentative sip and the stuff was awful. I choked.

He just smirked.

"This'll put some hair on your chest. Why don't you get a little more? It's not too much for you is it?"

I was quick to shake my head no. I could take it.

I took a few more sips. It wasn't a lot, but I stopped when my head felt a little swoozy.

"I feel weird."

"It's okay. It'll go away in a little bit. It happens to everyone."

I felt better that he said that. I was feeling foolish.

He pulled me into his lap. He had never done that before.

I just looked at him and raised a brow. Or I tried to raise a brow.

He kissed me. On the mouth.

I pulled away but he held me tighter.

"Hey it's cool Sam. It's okay. This is okay. Don't panic on me man." He was chuckling like he was humoring a child who had asked a dumb question.

"Why did you kiss me?"

He looked hurt.

"I thought we were friends."

"We are but…"

"Hey. It's okay for friends to kiss. You can keep a secret right? Friends always keep secrets and I know I can trust you to keep one can't I? You're trustworthy like your dad right?"

I tried to be like my dad but I was confused. I never kissed any of my friends, but we did have secrets. I never told anyone that Donnie and Ervin were the ones who put snails in Kathy's lunchbox, or that Emily took more than one juice at lunch, or even when Timmy wet himself and said he wasted milk on his jeans.

I had a lot of secrets with friends and Mr. Evans was cool. He wouldn't do anything to get me in trouble. I just didn't like being kissed and I told him so.

"I keep secrets real good. I just don't want to kiss anymore. Is that okay?"

He just gave me a humoring smile.

"We don't have to do that anymore, but can I do something that I know you'll like? No kissing I promise."

I thought about it and just shrugged my shoulders.

"Great. Just relax against me."

I was flush against his stomach. He wrapped one hand in front of me and lifted up my shirt a little. I was really confused.

When he put his hand on my zipper I began to get a little nervous. He pulled down and stuck his hand in my underwear.

"This'll feel really good for you Sam. Trust me?"

I just nodded my head unsure of what was happening. He said I would feel good, but so far my gut was just tight.

His hand stopped when he touched my penis. He gave it a few experimental tugs and I tried to get up.

"Just relax Sam. Relax and it'll feel real good for you okay?"

He pulled me back to him and started tugging again. I could feel his frustrated breath on the back of my head. Whatever he was hoping to happen wasn't happening.

"It's fine. We can try something else."

He sounded a little upset, but he was smiling anyways. As long as he stopped this I would try something else.

He sat me next to him and I was glad to be off his lap.

I was not so glad when he unzipped his own hands and started tugging on himself. His penis stood up.

His breath was hitching.

"This is what yours was supposed to do. But we can do something else. Come here."

I didn't move.

He moved me himself. Picked me right up with his right arm and pulled my jeans down with his left.

I was frozen in fear and crying.

"Be quiet."

He tried to put his penis in me. Nothing ever went up that way. It only made me cry harder.

It burned. A lot. Like when I raced Robbie and skinned my knee on the pavement. It stung and I wanted him to stop but I didn't know what to do.

This had never happened before and I was lost.

It wasn't going in much and I think he made me bleed.

He finally stopped and I felt something wet against me.

He picked me up crying and took me to the bathroom at the end of the hall. He wet a dark hand towel and wiped us both clean.

He then made me brush my teeth and then eat gum to get rid of the stench of alcohol.

He must have tried to talk to me but I wouldn't answer him. I wanted him to leave. I should have never let him in.

Because I wasn't talking he carried me into my room and changed my clothes all the while trying to get me to calm down.

"Sam it's over now. You're fine. You really helped me out in there. This doesn't change things between us okay. We're still friends right?"

I stuck my head under the covers and prayed that he would just leave. He didn't.

I felt his hand pulling on the cover.

He must have got tired of playing and yanked it from over me.

"Listen here Sam. If you tell anybody you'll get in trouble and I don't want that to happen. I know you try to be good. I know I don't have to worry about you keeping our secret. Isn't that right Sam?"

I realized he was right. Mom would be mad at me. This wouldn't have happened if I hadn't wanted to show him Gideon and Sarah.

I nodded my head.

He looked relieved.

He went into the living room to wait for Mrs. Carol. She came and he left. She stuck her head into the door to check up on me.

"You good kiddo?"

"Yes ma'am."

My voice was a little hoarse from crying.

"You sound exhausted. You must have had a lot of fun with Mr. Evans. I'm going to let you sleep."

She cut the light back off and stayed until my mom came home. When she came into my room I pretended to be asleep. She kissed my forehead and told me she loved me.

/

It was 2 days before I had to see Mr. Evans again. The weekend went by even more fast than it usually did. I wanted to run home, but Carl would be teaching the class. I thought I could avoid Mr. Evans.

I was so terribly wrong.

He cornered me during free play and asked me to help him do inventory in the storage room.

Normally I would have been ecstatic, but I didn't want to be around him.

He looked so normal. He was still smiling, telling jokes, encouraging the kids, and running the center.

I couldn't sleep, my food was bland, and I was always anxious. I could feel people looking at me differently.

He pushed me in before him and closed the door behind us.

Bending his knees, he crouched in front of me.

"I knew I could count on you to keep a secret."

I just looked at him.

"You don't look so good." He stuck out a hand to put on my shoulder but I deflected it.

"I'm fine."

You could barely hear me.

"Ookay. Hey before I forget, I got you something."

He pulled out a miniature swing.

"It's for Gideon and Sarah. They'll love it. I remember you saying you wanted to build one with your dad."

I didn't want it so I tried to give it back.

"No you keep it. It's a present. For doing so good this past weekend. I know it must have confused you, but it's nothing to worry about okay? Special friends do that with each other. It just means you're mature and can handle it. You're mature right?"

"I guess so."

"Exactly. So keep the swing alright?"

I just nodded my head. He pulled me into a hug and I started crying for no reason I could name.

"Shh. Shh. It's okay. It'll be fine. Good boy. Take a deep breath. I didn't mean to hurt you. Shh."

I eventually stopped crying and we actually took inventory.

I thought things would go back to normal. He hadn't did that again. Not until three weeks before Christmas.

He cornered me after the Christmas party. He pulled me into his office and said he had a present for me.

I didn't like being around him anymore and I knew he knew it. I used to seek him out sometimes, but now he has to come find me.

"Sit down."

"I want to stand up."

He looked a little peeved at that.

"Sit down Sam."

He used his no nonsense voice and I sat down. The door was behind me.

He pulled out a long rectangular box wrapped up in purple and silver paper. He got me a Nintendo. I wanted to be happy, but I knew what was coming. He was going to get weird again.

I could always feel when he was staring at me. I did my best to ignore him. Whenever I had to be at the center I made sure to play with whoever wanted to play with me. People thought I had moved on from my dad, but I was missing him now more than ever.

If I had my dad, I would have never cried to Mr. Evans or need him to comfort me. I would have had my dad for that and my mom would be at home waiting for me.

The worst part is that there's no one to tell. I am truly alone.

"Don't you like it?"

I had to think fast.

"I don't think my mom will want to take a gift that costs so much."

"Don't worry about that. I'll talk to her about it."

That's what I didn't want.

He stood up and walked over to the door. I heard the lock click into place. I slumped over. He took my face into his hands and made me look into his eyes.

"You're really pretty you know that?"

"That's for girls."

He just smiled at me.

"With those long wispy eyelashes and warm chocolate eyes. You could almost pass for a girl. My little girl. Do you like that?"

I stiffened at that. He was smelling my hair.

"I'm not a girl."

He shook me.

"Don't ruin this for me Sam. You were so good last time. Just don't talk okay? Be good."

Why wouldn't he just let me leave?

He stepped back and pulled his penis out. I tried to look away again, but he jerked me out of the chair until I was standing in front of him.

"I need you to do something for me princess."

"I'm not-"

He tightened his grip on my arm.

"Okay."

"Good. Give me your hand."

I put my hand in his and he put it on him.

"Do what I do."

He wrapped his hand around mine and moved it up and down really slow. It started to grow and thicken under my hand. He grabbed my other hand and made me use both to touch him.

"Keep that pace."

I did.

Touching him wasn't as bad as the last time.

He started gritting his teeth and pushing his hips forward. My arms were getting tired and I was slowing down.

"Come on princess. Don't stop. Pick up the pace."

He finished with a loud groan and some white stuff splashed onto my face.

I kept rubbing until he made me stop. He pulled out a handkerchief and wiped my face.

"You make a good girl Sam. I can do that to you too."

The door knocked saving me from coming up with a way to escape this hell.

It was Roger Denman.

He was always in trouble.

I was sent out and Roger was given a lecture.

I sat in the bathroom until it was time for me to go home. I wasn't in the mood for company.

Mr. Evans caught up with me before I left and gave me my present. He said he would be calling my mom to talk to her about it.

/

He did. Called my mom that is.

I don't know how he had convinced her but she said it was okay.

She was just watching me with a small smile on her face. It seemed like I was the only thing that made her smile anymore.

I didn't want to be the reason she lost that small.

I was more timid than usual. I had started lying more too.

Whenever I was in a mood and my mom would ask about it, I would just say that I was missing dad.

Technically I wasn't lying because I missed him all the time. I felt his absence everywhere. From his briefcase not being behind the door, his favorite coffee mug had disappeared, and his handy toolbox under the sink had been put in the back of mom's closet.

I couldn't stop thinking. Mr. Evans called me a girl and I didn't like it. I'm a boy. He knows that so why did he call me princess?

Despite the rough start of the Christmas holiday, Christmas itself was bittersweet.

Dad wasn't there and it was just me and mom. We had a good time. We even visited dad at the cemetery. Mom cried a lot and then we went home.

It was our first Christmas without him.

/

I kept having the urge to tell mom about Mr. Evans. He touched me again. Like the first time. It was the week we got back from break.

I was so sore that he had to drive me home. I preferred to walk and tried to do just that, but he wouldn't let me.

He kept calling me a girl. He called me another bad name to, but I knew I wasn't supposed to ever use it.

I wanted to tell her what he was doing, but I wasn't sure what he was doing.

I didn't have the words for it.

I wasn't sure I would be able to tell her. To give her details. I definitely didn't want to.

Every time I got ready to tell my mom, I chickened out. I didn't want to get in trouble. Besides, everybody likes Mr. Evans. They wouldn't believe me over him anyways.

/

Things got worse. A whole lot worse. He would touch me while I had to touch him. My body never did what he wanted. My penis never stood up like his.

I know he hates that.

He would talk about me when my body didn't do what he wanted it to.

"You might as well be a girl. Your dick doesn't work right. But that's okay. You make a better girl. Always so nervous around me."

I couldn't help it. I would cry and he would hold me. When he called me a girl I couldn't help but feel like I was failing miserably at being a boy. My penis never did the right stuff. I was embarrassed.

"It's nothing to be ashamed about. You're my special girl. You like that?"

I didn't respond.

"We're going to try something new."

I knew I wouldn't like it.

He scooted closer to me and pulled my clothes back up. I was beginning to think it might not be that bad until he grabbed the back of my neck and brought it to his penis.

"Wh-"

"No talking princess. Open your mouth."

I quickly got the picture of what he wanted, but I couldn't do that. You pee through there.

He didn't seem to care and pried my mouth open with his fingers.

He then shoved into my mouth.

"Don't bite. Put your lips over your teeth."

He began to move in and out slightly into my mouth and I was getting sick. He tasted strange and I wanted him out.

He squirted some stuff and was done.

"Here."

He pushed the trash bin over for me to spit in. I spat the stuff out and then promptly threw up. He patted me in the back until he was done.

"You did real good. A natural. You really are a girl huh?"

I stood up ready to leave.

"Sam you don't have to avoid me."

I broke eye contact.

"Yeah I noticed it. You always leave when I walk into a room. I'm not going to hurt you."

I found out that adults lie too.

/

Two more mouth sessions and I broke. Everything just built up inside me and boiled over. I waited by the front door after Mrs. Carol left until my mom got back home. When she walked through the door I noticed how worn she looked.

She was being overworked and hadn't complained once.

"Hey baby."

I ran into her arms sobbing. It wasn't abnormal for me to have a crying fit since dad had died.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I was bad."

"What is it?"

She had taken my face into her hands and was staring into my eyes.

"I don't want to tell you. You'll be mad at me."

"Samuel. Tell me what it is and I promise to hear you out. I'm sure you didn't mean to do anything bad. We all make mistakes."

"But I was really bad."

She picked me up and walked me into her room and sat me on the bed. She walked into the kitchen and came back.

There was a glass of apple juice in her hands. She handed it to me. I drank it greedily. Happy for the small distraction.

"You can tell me anything Sam. Anything. I'll never be so mad that I stop loving you. What is it?"

My chest was so heavy. My throat was so dry and tight. My nose was completely blocked and my eyes burned.

My hands were trembling and the blood had rushed to my ears.

"I don't know how."

Something in her eyes broke a little.

"Try."

"I don't have the words."

"What words baby?"

"I don't know what it is."

"Explain it and I'll help. You have to talk to me baby. You're scaring me."

"It's just all wrong. I want dad."

She pulled me into a hug and started rubbing circles in my back.

"I know Sam. I know. I want him too."

I told her everything.

Everything.

From Mr. Evans touching me, making me touch him, the gifts, the names; I even told her about the mouth stuff.

Words can't describe how she looked in that moment or how I felt.

She pulled me into her lap and began rocking me and crying with me.

Telling me she was sorry for not seeing. Sorry for not making enough time with me. Sorry for not asking questions.

She sounded so broken.

She took me to the hospital and they called the cops. I had to talk to a lot of people that kept asking me the same questions.

Mr. Evans was given a deal. If he confessed, he would get 2 years in prison and 2 years of probation. That's it. I thought 2 years was a lot, but I could tell mom didn't.

Not everything was bad. The hospital let mom change her hours so that she could spend more time with me.

It was weird the first couple of days. Mom kept trying to put on a brave face and it made me feel bad that she thought she had to do that for me. She would randomly give me talks about how some people did bad things to other people and it didn't mean they deserved it.

That they were innocent.

I didn't believe her.

She would cry in her room at night when she thought I was asleep and pray to be a more thoughtful mother. She even called out dad's name a few times.

More than one policeman had asked why I didn't say no. Why I didn't fight. One even asked me if I might have liked it. Even a little bit.

I got so upset that I started to cry and my mom took me home.

I never saw that officer again.

I didn't know I could say no.

You don't back talk grown folks. It's their job to protect you.

Me and mom had to go to classes about good touches and bad touches. The court had appointed me a therapist to talk to.

She helped me a lot. Not just with Mr. Evans but with dad's death. She had a lot of pound puppy toys in her room. It was almost like having a real dog.

Mr. Evans taught me that looks can be deceiving.

My therapist taught me that it was okay to heal. It didn't mean I thought what he did was okay.

My mom and dad instilled in me a sense of gratitude, charity, and selflessness. I didn't magically get to a good place, but I was getting help figuring things out. Feeling safe again. Learning to trust again.

It was an uphill battle that I was determined to win and after years I did.

/

I got a notification from J.A.R.V.I.S. It was really from Bruce. I decided to add my own to his list. I had picked up a lot from my own therapist and eventually becoming one.

1. Ground yourself in the present

2. Marvin Gaye 1972 Trouble Man Soundtrack

3. Stay connected and don't isolate yourself