Chapters Three to Five are set after 7x06 "The Snowmen". The Doctor is still travelling on his own in all three chapters - no Clara.
Chapter Three
It was as if a light bulb had gone on inside his mind. After all these months of dark and twisty moods and thoughts, he'd finally been brought back into the bright and shiny light of excitement. There was something phenomenal going on with Clara and he just knew that he had to find her, because although he'd seen her die twice now, he was absolutely sure that she was still out there.
"Weeeell, that was a bust!" With quick steps the Doctor ran up the ramp, skipped around the console, flipped a switch and pressed some buttons. It had been the fifth planet he'd gone looking for her, the last one having been a little bit of a long shot that hadn't turned up any new leads. Still he felt elated and motivated and soon started up the engines again. A soft hum told him that his ship had some more suggestions for him to choose from, but a sudden feeling in his chest made him freeze instantly. It wasn't so much a physical pain, than it was an emotional sensation, almost like the kind of prickle one gets in the back of their mind whenever they forget something really important.
"This is new, what's that now? Is there something I forgot?" He whacked his brain trying to figure out what this new feeling could be, when the TARDIS jerked suddenly, throwing him on the metal floor.
"Oi! What's going on?" He managed to get back up and quickly drew the screen towards him, trying to find out what his ship was up to. It took only seconds for the TARDIS to calm down again, parking herself before the Doctor had a chance to do anything at all.
Earth, Great Britain, London
18th September 2003
"Actually, Sexy, I don't believe we'll find Clara here." Confused he checked the data again. When he couldn't find a clue to indicate why he should be at this time and place he tried to leave, pulling levers and flipping switches – to no avail. Once again his faithful TARDIS was adamant that he should be right here, right now. "Oh, alright, if you insist…" Defeated the Doctor rolled his eyes, smoothed his hair and made his way to the wooden door, reminding himself to check the stubborn-levels of his old Type 40 later.
He stumbled out of the TARDIS and immediately recognized the small park area near the Powell Estate. For a moment he stood frozen in front of his ship, confusion and dread battling for dominance. Why would the TARDIS bring him here? Didn't she know how his last visit to Rose had ended? Rose hated him, she didn't even want to see him, he was sure of that! What if she came along now and saw him, like the other times before? Would she scream at him, insult him or even worse, would she just ignore him, act as if she didn't see him or just tell him in a calm voice that she wanted him to leave and never come back here again?
Afraid he turned on his heel, expecting Rose to stand before him, since it had worked like that the two times before. There was nobody there tough. Not a single soul was walking through the park, the Doctor being the only one to disturb the coloured leaves on the ground.
"That's weird!" With a raised eyebrow the Doctor turned in circles a few times, just to make sure he really was the only one there. Then he walked over to the wooden bench he and Rose had sat on during his spring visit. Why would the TARDIS bring him here, if Rose wasn't even here to meet him? And also… why would he even need to see her? He hadn't felt down since he met Clara, so he didn't need to talk to anyone or for someone to listen to his ramblings.
As far as he could see there were two explanations. One, the TARDIS had made a mistake and he wasn't even supposed to be here. Two, this visit wasn't like the others, but he should still find and talk to Rose.
It was the strange sensation in his chest that made him choose eventually, and because he knew that not everything was about him all the time, he got up and started the short walk to the Powell Estate. It only took him a few minutes to reach her apartment, but every second of it was filled with fear and anxiety.
For three whole minutes he just stood there, watching the door, too afraid to actually knock. When he turned around, about to leave again, he once again felt the unexplained sensation in his chest, stronger this time, and without hesitation he raised his hand to knock four times.
He almost hoped that no one would open the door, that there was nobody at home, or even for Jackie to open the door and tell him that Rose was out at the moment. But when the door did open up, it was Rose who stood before him.
"Haaaii." The Doctor awkwardly greeted her while trying to not look like he'd rather run away. Of all the scenarios he'd been imagining, Rose' defeated posture and her red rimmed eyes sure hadn't been part of them. "Hm… didn' think I'd ever see you again", was all she said before she turned around and walked back into the apartment, leaving the door open for him to follow her inside. After a short hesitation the Doctor stepped inside and closed the door behind him. His fear and anxiety had been replaced with worry and confusion – what was going on?
He found Rose in the living room, sitting on one end of the couch with her knees drawn up to press a big pillow against her chest. Her arms were around her legs and her whole posture practically screamed that she felt as miserable as the tears in the corner of her eyes suggested. Rose observed the Doctor for a few seconds as he awkwardly stood in the middle of the room, unsure where to stand or sit.
"What d'ya want, John? Why 'ya here?" A deep sigh followed her questions as if asking them had drained all her energy. He almost didn't dare speaking up, afraid he could anger her and not wanting to upset her any more. Still, he had to know what was going on, why his Rose was feeling so miserable and how he could help her.
"I'm here for you." As he spoke the words he realised the truth in them. He was indeed here for Rose. She was the reason the TARDIS had brought him here. His first two visits had been for him, to make him feel better, but this one was for her. He was brought here to help her, to return the favour and try to fix her. But first he had to know what had happened to make things this wrong in the first place.
"What happened, Rose?" His voice was soft and caring as he slowly sat down on the opposite end of the sofa. He would have liked nothing more than to take her in his arms and hold her until everything was better, but he still wasn't sure how she felt about him. For the umpteenth time he cursed himself for running out on her a few months ago, without an explanation or even a goodbye.
A sniffle was the only answer he got for a few whole minutes. Then, when Rose realised that he wouldn't just back down on his own, she mumbled in a defeated voice: "Why d'ya even care? In the end you're just the same, you all run away from me." A quite sob escaped her as she buried her face in the pillow, pulling it to her even more.
"Gawd, no, Rose, of course I care!" Shocked over the sudden emotional display the Doctor felt helpless as to how to react. He was too afraid to embrace her, not wanting to crowd her when she obviously still held a grudge. Then he remembered her words and frowned at her. "Who is 'you all'?" Who did she mean, who else had run out on her? It couldn't have been Jackie, because he knew that woman and how fiercely protective she was over her daughter. Never in a million years would Jackie hurt Rose like that. But who else then? Mickey, maybe? "Please, Rose, tell me what happened!" he tried again, carefully and gently covering her arm with his hand.
It took another few minutes for Rose to accept that he wouldn't just leave again, that he really wanted to help her. She stilled her sobs and raised her head to watch him, and when he still didn't move, she finally gave in. She began to tell him of Jimmy Stone in a low, mumbling voice that was interrupted by sobs every now and then. About how he had been the coolest guy she'd ever met and how he had told her of his dreams and visions of becoming a rock star. She told him how she'd loved that dream and how ecstatic she'd been when he'd asked her to come with him. Finally she would leave this boring, mundane life behind and go on an adventure like she'd always dreamed. She'd packed her bags before she'd told her Mum about it, who had screamed and scolded and begged, but she hadn't listened. The next day she'd hopped into Jimmy's car and off they'd gone, never even looking back.
Until he'd grown bored of her, that is. The adventure had only lasted for thirteen days, after which Jimmy had found some other girl and had left her in a hotel bar in Manchester.
That had been a week ago. Rose had had to call her Mum to pick her up and of course Jackie'd been so worried about her daughter that she hadn't even hesitated.
Rose' voice had grown stronger and angrier over the tale and by the time she'd finished the story angry tears were running down her cheek. The Doctor, who had scooted to her end of the couch slowly and was now only a few inches away from her, raised his hand from her arm to her face and gently wiped away the tears. "Oh Rose, my poor Rose, I'm so sorry." When Rose didn't protest his advances he scooted even closer until he could lay an arm around her shoulders and draw her to him. "You deserve so much better than him. You deserve the moon and all the stars and a man, who'd gladly lay them all before your feet."
Slowly, to give Rose enough time to object, he took the pillow away from her, raised her legs and laid them over his, pulling her near and folding her small frame against his. She was practically sitting on his lab, when he started drawing soothing circles on her back and reassuring her with a low calm voice. "You are an astonishing person, Rose, and Jimmy is an idiot if he believes he can find any girl that's better or smarter or more beautiful than you." Softly he placed a small kiss on her temple. "Because you, Rose Tyler, you are the jackpot!"
Slowly she raised her head to look him in the eyes. For a moment she seemed to fight an internal battle, then she leaned in and placed her lips gently over his. When their lips touched, she closed her eyes and the Doctor instantly copied her, enjoying her forbidden taste, moaning when the emotions overwhelmed him. He knew that he shouldn't do this, that he shouldn't let her do this, but her lips were so soft, her taste oh so sweet and her whimpers nearly drove him insane. How long had he been dreaming about this, about her in his arms, her lips on his, about the sounds of pleasure she would make in absolute ecstasy? How many nights had he spent alone in his bed, gripping himself, fantasising it was her hand on him? How often had he taken cold showers, only to end up stifling his moans against the cold shower tiles, because the image behind his closed eyes were too much to handle; images of her kneeling before him, wet and hot and moaning around his cock in her mouth?
He felt her tongue on his lower lips and let her in immediately, revelling in her taste and feel, drinking in the sounds she made and her hand on his neck pulling him near. She shifted above him and without breaking contact settled herself over him, her knees on either side of his legs. His hands fell to her hips, unsure whether he should pull her near or push her away before things got completely out of hand. She relieved him of the decision when she ground her hips, pulling a throaty moan out of him.
When they had to break apart in favour of oxygen, his mouth began travelling down her neck, devouring every inch of skin he could reach and relishing in every single moan she made. His left hand went to her back, pulling her even nearer, while his right one stroked up and down her thigh, slipping more down to her inner thigh with every stroke. With one quick move he had them turned, with her on her back against the armrest and him hovering above her. His brain was still telling him to stop, to back away, to regain control, but his hearts and his groin weren't listening. He finally had her like he'd always dreamed of, willing and hot, moaning loudly and rocking her hip against his painfully hard erection.
Then he felt her hand glide down over his chest and stomach and a big part of him just wanted to feel and enjoy, to let his own hand wander, to make her scream, but he knew he had to stop. He couldn't let this happen, not now, not like this. He breathed heavily against her neck, trying to regain as much control as he could. He feared her reaction, as she'd just been cruelly dumped by her boyfriend and had trusted him to not leave her again, to hurt her again. With all of his will power, he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers.
"Rose, stop!" The words were barely above a whisper, but they had the effect of a bullet. Immediately Rose' eyes shot open, her hands freezing where they were. Hating himself for wishing they'd continue their journey, for doing this to her, for letting his feeling and lust for this girl take over and cloud his judgement once again, he opened his eyes, looking deeply into hers and hoping for her to see how much this hurt him as well. "We can't do this, not like this."
He could see the anger rise on her face, expecting her to react like this. "I know you want this, John." It broke his hearts to tell her no, to pile on to her pain, to reject her even though he'd liked to do nothing more than to take her right there, right now.
"You have no idea how much I want this, Rose." He whispered hoarsely, grinding his straining cock against her upper thigh, showing her how much he wanted her. "I have wanted this for so long, you can't even imagine." He tried to show all his love for her when he looked at her, praying for her to understand. "But if we do this now, then you'll wake up tomorrow and you'll hate me for using you like this." He gently laid his hand on her cheek. "And I can't let that happen, I can't have you thinking so low of me."
He observed her closely, watching her anger giving way to immense pain; pain of rejection and pain of broken trust. Ashamed and broken she turned her head away from him, but he laid his hand against her chin, making her face him again. "No, Rose, listen to me! I want this, I want you… I love you!" He waited for her to understand his words, before continuing. "I won't leave you and if you still want this in a week, then I'll show you how much I want you." He watched her as she registered his words and understood their meaning. "But not tonight. You're hurting and you need to heal first."
He waited to see her features turn understanding and accepting. He felt her hand glide up to his back, pulling him down to her. She scooted over a bit to make room for him and whispered: "Just… don't go!"
Without another word he settled down on the couch. She pulled a thin blanket from the backrest and spread it over them, then settled herself next to him with one arm and one leg over his body. It took less than a few minutes for her to fall asleep, the emotional rollercoaster of the past weeks finally catching up to her.
The Doctor stayed for two hours, watching her and imagining how perfect his human self's life must be, over in the parallel world, getting to be with Rose for the rest of his life. Then he remembered Jackie and he gently extracted himself from Rose' limbs. He didn't know where Jackie was or when she'd return, but he sure as hell wasn't going to be lying on this couch, entangled with her daughter, when she did. He covered Rose with the blanket and gave her one last kiss on the forehead before he quietly walked out of the apartment and back to the TARDIS.
