AN: Long update, I know, short chapter, I know. Don't blame me, blame finals. Requests are open if there is anything anyone wants to see. I don't do OCs though.
I'm getting kind of desperate but there is now way, in hell, that I'm asking Guan Yu for advice on kids. It's probably easy for him though because none of his kids have dysfunctional, or legitimate, personalities.
Guan Yu,
You know I don't like you, don't write to me you sun burnt twat.
Guan Yu,
BWAHAHA, that's funny. You think your children are capable of taking me on? Ah, you're such a peasant.
Guan Xing,
The animators won't give you the genes to grow a beard.
Guan Ping,
You're adopted.
Guan Suo,
You're imaginary.
Guan Yinping,
No one will take you seriously because your skirt is almost nonexistent.
Guan Yu,
Asshat.
Whoa! Holy crap! Xun Yu is literally "0 to 100 real quick!" I could've sworn he was a generic like, 5 minutes ago.
He's still no fun. He told me to stop pulling on his ponytail and asking him where his gray robes went.
I saw Li Dian making crop circles in the peasant rice fields. I wish I could say I was joking. He does seem pretty pleased with himself though.
Jiang Wei is the pretty boy we had that didn't get any screentime in Wei and is sucking Zhuge Liang's dick right now, right? I think so.
Xu Shu,
And you're here...why?
Cao Cao,
I think we should invade Shu again. You know, just because I'm bored. Wu doesn't do much except sit there.
Hey if anyone is going to be unreasonably gruff and surly it's me, not Yu Jin, okay?
MY SPIKES! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SPIKES? WHICH ONE OF THESE LIL SHITS TOOK MY HAIR GEL?!
Guan Yu,
IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT!
Guan Yu,
Don't play dumb, I know it was you who stole my gel. FYI it's not going to work on your beard.
Guan Yu,
There will be hell to pay if you don't give it back to me. Cao Cao uses it for his hair-fish-tail-things.
So, Cao Cao denied my requests to invade Shu again. And he also denied that he was uses my hair gel for his hair. Who else do I know who possibly uses gel for their hair...?
Yue Jin,
You know I own you so don't mess with me. Did you take my gel?
Yue Jin,
What do you mean they're "naturally like that?" Teach me your ways.
Zhang Liao,
Do you have spikes under your hat? If so, did you take my hair gel? It's not like I'd slit your throat and use your blood as sauce for my meatbuns or anything if you did...
Li Dian,
You're good for now because I can't tell if its spikes or curls or pubes you've got going on with your hair.
Yu Jin,
I know you BORROWED my gel at some point in time but did you TAKE it?
Yu Jin,
Don't bullshit me there is no way you can slick your hair back like that without gel.
Cao Cao,
Are you suuuurrrreeeee?
I miss my hair gel...Where could it be? How am I supposed to live without my gravity defying spikes? Heyheyhey wait a minute...Is that Sima Yi's buffer son...with MY GEL?!
Sima Yi,
I DON'T CARE HOW COOL YOUR HAT LOOKS IN EACH INSTALLMENT, YOUR SON HAS MY HAIR GEL AND I WANT IT BACK.
Sima Zhao,
I'm going to murder you.
Sima Zhao,
Xiahou Ba gave it to you...?
Xiahou Ba,
OOOOOOHHH YOU LITTLE SHIT. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE MY HAIR GEL, MY HAIR GEL, TO THE SIMA CHILD? I TRUSTED YOU
