Chapter Three
I descended the stairs the following morning almost hesitantly. I felt horrible for the way I snapped the night before, but Heather obviously wasn't going to hold it against me. After only a brief mention of it and my attempt to apologize, she waved it off.
"No need to be sorry, sweetie." She told me, shaking her head and sitting at the table with me, "I understand. You're growing up. You just need a little space."
"I shouldn't have snapped, though."
"I get it." She laughed, "Really, honey. It's okay." I could tell by her tone that she was being truthful. Taking a breath, I nodded a little. Relieved.
We let the conversation rest there, and I found myself watching her. Maybe just to be positive she wasn't hurt over my words the night before, but I watched her. I couldn't help thinking about how much I'd been through with her. Even the forbidden memories of my younger years were allowed through.
It was amazing to me to think back at how much she'd nearly single-handedly dragged me through. I should really have known that she had feelings of steel. A little snap from me wasn't going to ruin her week.
"So," She spoke again, smiling, "Two more days of school left. Are you excited?"
"Not really." I replied with a small laugh, "It doesn't matter to me."
"You've always done really well in school." She allowed, but I looked down.
"Not always." I pointed out, and we both fell quiet again. It wasn't often I mentioned anything about the previous years. She lightly shook her head.
"You've always done the best you can." She countered, "I've always been nothing but proud of you. Nobody in their right mind can hold what happened against you, sweetheart."
I appreciated her words. She knew full well how badly I felt about my younger years. Both for how I acted, and what exactly I put her through. It would always be a sore spot for me.
Thankfully, the rest of Sunday allowed for a lot of down time for me. Somehow even more than the day before. Nothing notable happened, and that was what I was used to. I felt more normal than I had in a long time.
Waking up for school on Monday, I really wasn't feeling up to it. Some part of me was just begging to roll over and go back to sleep, but I couldn't say that I didn't expect that.
Peeling myself out of bed, I whined to myself. Rubbing my eyes and strongly considering telling Heather I was sick. I honestly felt like I could sleep for a week. I managed to live through taking a shower, and getting dressed. By then, I felt only slightly more awake, but I still had a feeling that today would be pretty difficult.
I dragged my sorry butt to each of my classes, snoozed at lunch, and barely survived until we went home. I'd expected to at least perk up by the time we went home, but I didn't. Thankfully, Josh was there to give me a ride back home because I wouldn't have been able to make it without him.
"Are you okay?" Of course he'd noticed.
I waved it off with a shake of my head, "Just tired. I guess I didn't sleep that good last night." Thankfully, he believed me because I was being truthful.
"Well you can take a nap before mom gets home." He said, "She texted me earlier saying she'd be working late tonight, and it'd be leftovers for dinner."
"Working late again?" I whined, looking over at him.
"She didn't text you?"
"I don't know." I admitted, "I haven't looked at my phone all day. What about Mike?"
"As far as I know, he'll be home at six like usual." He replied, "But you know how he is in the kitchen."
"His cooking isn't that bad." I muttered, "Leave the poor guy alone." We both laughed a little.
"I just don't get how he could be so good at grilling things, but when it comes to cooking in the kitchen.." He trailed off, shaking his head. I laughed again.
"It must take practice to be that bad."
"I think it's a patience problem." He said, "You can pretty much burn anything on the grill and it still tastes good."
"True." He had a point.
"I'll be working until eight-thirty tonight." He said, moving on, "So it'll be up to you to make sure Zack's home on time."
"Got it." I replied, "He's usually good about getting home on time, though."
"Just in case." He muttered, "If he's over at Lucas' today, you know he'll lose track of time."
Just like always, Josh would leave straight from dropping me off to go to work. I jumped out of the passenger seat, pulling my backpack along with me.
"Get some rest." He told me before I shut the door, "Really."
"I will." I assured him with a quiet laugh, "Don't worry about me so much."
I hesitated on the driveway, watching him leave. It was quiet out this afternoon, thin clouds covered the sun, but had no hint of rain in them. Instead of going straight inside, I chose to walk over and sit on the porch swing.
Plopping myself down, I let my backpack drop onto the porch as I laid to the side with a sigh. That, essentially, was how it'd been for me the whole day. It felt good to just sit for a minute without having to pretend to be paying attention to anyone or anything.
Staring up at the porch ceiling, I chose this time to let my eyes close. I felt that I had enough control not to fall asleep right where I laid, so I wasn't worried. It did feel nice to rest my eyes, though.
"Leandra?" I opened one eye, looking over at Zack's arrival, "Whatcha doing?" I hadn't heard him approach.
"Laying here." I answered, closing my eye again, "No Andrew today?"
"Nah," He replied, "He had to get home to help his dad with something, so I thought I'd come see what you were up to." I felt my foot nudged so I took the hint and lifted my feet. Zack sat down, and I placed my feet on his lap.
"Don't you have other friends?"
"I do." He said, "But I guess I feel kind of bad for abandoning you like I have been. We used to hang out all the time. I hate that that stopped."
"Me too." I admitted with a sigh, "I wish it could be like before."
"Why can't it?" He asked, "Just because you and Andrew-"
"Ah." I cut him off, glaring down the bench at him.
"You know what I mean." He rolled his eyes a little, "It's not that big of a deal."
"Yes it is." I sighed again, sitting myself up.
"Why?" He asked again, "Just give the guy a chance. He told me that he's willing to forget about it if you are."
"I can't do that." I replied again, "And besides. It's not that I want to forget about it. It's just.. Harder than that."
He sighed this time. Shaking his head with a shrug.
"Sometimes I don't get you." He admitted, "But what else is new?" I shrugged in response. I didn't know what to tell him. He just laughed again, "Want to go get something to eat?"
That actually sounded nice. Maybe a good walk would wake me up.
"Sure." I replied, peeling myself off the swing, "Just let me put this inside." I lifted my bag, and he nodded. Already moving for the door.
He unlocked the door for me, took my bag, and threw it inside before quickly shutting the door again. I couldn't help feeling that he was worried I'd change my mind if I let myself go inside. That worry was justified, so I allowed this.
"Nice throw." I laughed as we descended the porch steps together.
"Thanks." He replied, "I'm pretty sure I broke something."
"Oh, great." I said, "I'll get blamed for it."
All the way into town, we managed to find the topic of 'remember when'. Memories, things we'd get into when we were younger. A lot of the things he brought up, though, I didn't remember.
"Dude." I finally said as we both laughed at my apparent memory loss, "You've gotta skip those first two years because I have no idea what you're talking about."
"That stuff is too recent, so of course you're going to remember it." He replied, "You can't tell me you don't remember me falling out of that tree and spraining my wrist that summer when we were twelve."
"The summer I turned twelve?" I asked, "Or while I was twelve, right before I turned thirteen? Because that's two summers."
"Ugh!"
"I was born in the summer, dumbass." I reminded him unnecessarily.
"It was just before you turned twelve." He answered, "I was already twelve, Josh was about to turn fourteen, and we were on that camping trip for your guy's birthdays. It was the summer after we moved." I frowned a bit, thinking back. I vaguely recalled what he was talking about.
"Was that the camping trip that Josh found that snake?"
"Yep." He replied, obviously happy that I remembered that, "That big ol' fat one, and we both joked that it'd just eaten a dog, and that you were next." I couldn't resist laughing at that thought. I really wished I could remember that part, but truthfully, I'd been in the beginning of a very heavy fog of depression at that point. There was very little that I remembered of that whole year at all.
"I remember the snake?" I offered, hoping that would be enough.
"You've gotta remember that joke." He whined a little as we finally made it into town.
"I'm trying." I laughed defensively, "That whole year is a pretty big blur, except for that first psychiatrist visit." He winced.
"That didn't go well." He recalled.
"It didn't." I agreed, "But I'm thankful for it. If it wasn't for those meds, I probably would still be like that." He winced again.
"Then I'm thankful for it, too." He said, "But let's not get onto that. That's one memory I don't want to revisit."
"I don't blame you." I admitted. That whole time had been really rough on everyone. Even Zack, and there wasn't much that affected him.
"How long's it been since you had to take them?" He asked, and I knew what he meant.
I was twelve when I'd been prescribed two anxiety medications. One I was supposed to take every day, and another, stronger one for when I needed an extra boost. I was only on the daily one for about a year before I was allowed to stop taking it, but I kept the others for when I needed them. For those days that I couldn't handle anything anymore.
"Almost a year." I reported proudly, "The last time I had to take it, it was during that party Mike had thrown for all those people from his work."
"I remember that." He nodded, "You said it was all the people."
"I think I'm doing pretty good."
"I'm sure Lucas has helped." He laughed, "But that is pretty good. I'm proud of you." He dropped his arm around my shoulders like he usually did. He was taller than me just enough to make it comfortable. It was a comforting gesture, it was normal by now. I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. No matter how many times I'd heard it by now, I never got tired of hearing that someone else was as proud of how far I'd come as I was.
I placed my arm around his waist, like I always did when I accepted his hugs. As silly as Zack was, he was never afraid of letting me know how much he supported me. He did so in an easy way. Josh was more intense about his support of me, but Zack did it in a way that wasn't so overwhelming. I appreciated both, of course, but Zack's was easier to reciprocate.
We finally made it to our fast food restaurant of choice, and he only released me so he could pull open the door for me. I hadn't really realized before just how much Mike had been teaching him. He'd demonstrated that a lot before, but I fully noticed now.
"Shit." I muttered as soon as I stepped in. That heart sinking feeling of realizing that I'd just remembered something I shouldn't have forgotten.
"What?" Zack asked.
"I forgot my wallet." I said, "It's in my backpack."
"It's okay." He replied, "I got it this time."
"Thanks." I sighed, "I can't believe I forgot it." I'd been so forgetful lately, but him covering for me was nothing new. We covered for each other all the time.
We got our food and decided to sit outside to eat. I didn't feel like being cooped up in an uncomfortable chair with people coming and going. Out here we could see the traffic going by, and it made it feel a lot less crowded. As crowded as this town could ever be.
There wasn't much to do, but we always found something to do. Conversation was our best form of entertainment, and it never got old, but I couldn't help noticing how it really did seem like something was missing this time. Making things right with Andrew and getting back to the way things used to be was pretty tempting.
No matter how often I reminded myself that it'd never be the same again.
With a sigh, though, I reached over and pulled my phone out.
"What are you doing?" Zack asked around the french fry he'd just eaten.
"Screwing everything up." I replied, quickly typing out a text message.
Just after sending it, I looked up from my phone to spot the same car I'd seen the other day driving slowly outside our house. This time, it' was parked across the street. The car, dark in color, was a little strange to be sitting outside a locksmith. Maybe whoever owned that car needed something from the dollar store right next to it. It wasn't too fancy to be driving down our street, but it still seemed even more out of place stopped where it was.
The fanciest cars we had were restored old ones that usually came from the shop Josh worked at. Not many people around here felt the need to go out and pick up nearly brand new ones like this one was.
The tint on the windows seemed deliberately dark, but I could have just been taking notice of things I usually tried not to because they were too similar. I shook my head a little, looking to Zack again.
"So if he's done helping his dad," I said, "Andrew's coming by."
"See?" He grinned, "I knew you'd come around."
"Easy." I laughed as well, "I'm just testing the waters. I want things back to how they used to be as much as you do, but if it doesn't work out, I'm beating you with my milkshake."
"Beat away." He replied confidently, "Trust me. It'll work."
I rolled my eyes, but laughed again and chose to drink a bit of my milkshake instead.
"What made you come around?" He asked.
"I don't know." I admitted, "It just felt like something was missing. Like.. I guess I was missing someone. I might be going crazy."
He threw a french fry at me lightly, giving me a look. I knew he hated it when I talked like that. Instead, though, the way it flew, hit me in the forehead, and plopped into my lap made us both laugh. I picked it up and threw it back at him harder. He barely managed to catch it around his laughter, eating it.
"Remember the marshmallow?" He asked, and I looked over.
"Which one?" I asked, "Another camping trip?"
"The trip two years ago." He confirmed. I thought back that far, finally recalling it. I immediately laughed.
"Heather was so mad about that one." I nodded, "Even though it was Mike that got hit with it."
"We need another slingshot." He laughed as well, "That fucker flew. It was probably dad laughing so hard that kept her from throwing that slingshot into the fire right then."
"So are you going to work for Mike this summer?" I asked, curious as I played with the straw in my milkshake.
"I don't know." He replied, his tone doubtful and leaning back in his chair, "I mean, I know the pay is good, but man.. That's hard work."
"You're sixteen." I pointed out, "Josh got his first part time job when he was fifteen. You're slacking."
"So are you." He countered, "Where's your paycheck?"
"I spent it already." I joked, and he gave me a look. My phone vibrating, indicating a text message, had me looking down at it. It was Andrew with a reply.
"On my way." Was all the message said. I laughed a little, imagining how quick he must have sent that.
"He's coming." I informed Zack, "So we should move to another place." He laughed.
"You're mean." He said, but he knew I was joking. I shook my head a little, but stood up.
"Watch my stuff." I said, "I have to pee."
"Kay." He replied easily.
"And don't let the birds get it like you did that one time." I pointed at him. His excuse had been that he was watching my stuff just fine. He just didn't keep anything from happening to it.
"Scout's honor." He laughed in reply.
Unfortunately for me, the women's restroom here was closed, with a 'sorry for the inconvenience' sign stuck to the locked door. I rolled my eyes at it, but it was nothing new for this place. Considering people came here all the time, and this restroom had only one toilet. Instead, I just turned right around and went back outside.
"Closed again." I informed Zack, but I was already on my way across the street. The store over there had a better bathroom anyway. I couldn't exactly jog without bouncing it out, so I speed walked across the street. Passing right behind the car that was parked there, purposefully refusing to even look at it despite not even knowing why. I made it up onto the curb and into the store.
Thankfully, this restroom was open. It had more than one toilet, so it'd be rare for it to be closed.
Before I left, I paused. Looking at myself in the mirror. Wiping the slight smudges of my light eyeliner away, and running my fingers through my hair a bit. I wasn't even sure why I felt the need to do that, since Andrew had seen me a lot messier. I contemplated tying my hair up, but I decided against it. It was fine how it was, despite its length reaching the middle of my back.
I stepped out of the store, but paused. The car was still there, and in one glance, I managed to find my reflection in the dark tint and flawless paint. I couldn't see anything passed the tint, but I still hesitated.
I was being stupid. Taking a breath, I tore my gaze away from it, and moved on. I needed to get my head right. I wasn't sure where my head had gone, but it definitely wasn't right today. Just because someone around here had a nice car didn't mean I needed to undo everything I'd worked so hard for in the last almost five years by getting my hopes up that it was anyone other than some stranger lost in a small town.
Why was I even bothering to think something like that anyway? I had my own plans to deal with. So with a shake of my head and deep sigh, I went on my way. Moving on, I stepped off the curb, pausing just behind the car long enough to let the mini van drive by before crossing safely.
Zack was still seated right where he was before, and thankfully, no birds had eaten my food. I immediately noticed that while I was gone, Andrew had shown up. He didn't live far from here, so it wasn't a surprise. He still must have sprinted the whole way, though. He stood beside our table, and I couldn't help looking up at him before he chose the seat beside Andrew. I also couldn't help noticing something.
"Have you gotten taller?" I asked him, almost surprised.
"Me?" Andrew asked, "No, I don't think so. Why?"
"Just seems like it." I replied, shaking my head. I let it drop, despite being convinced that he had. Being pretty short myself, I noticed stuff like that. He was always taller than me, but the difference now was more pronounced.
"I thought you ran away, so I fed your food to the wildlife." Zack joked, and I reached over and smacked him lightly upside the head.
"Long line." I lied, sitting back down in my seat. I greeted Andrew with a small smile this time, which he returned with a hopeful smile of his own. So far so good.
"This is weird." Zack joked lightly, looking between the two of us.
"God, shut up." I growled his direction. Unfortunately for me, that just made both of them start laughing. Thankfully, though, Zack took the hint.
Conversation evened out from there. Involving summer plans and the last day of school the next day. So far, none of us really had any plans. It was nice just being able to talk like old times. The more we talked about random things, the less awkward it was feeling. The more I relaxed, and the less I felt like throwing up.
As time went on, though, I found myself focusing more and more on the car that sat across the street. I hadn't seen anyone get out, but then again, there had been opportunity for someone to leave it while I'd been getting a french fry thrown at my face.
Every person that left the buildings around us, I watched to see if they were the owners of the fancy car sitting there. So far, nobody had approached or claimed it.
Eventually, I was the one that stood up first.
"Come on, guys." I said, "Let's go. It's getting crowded here." I tossed my trash in the can provided.
"There's like nobody here." Zack frowned, glancing around, but I was already walking. I needed to move on if I was going to focus on anything else. Just as I figured, they both followed. We headed up the street, in the opposite direction that the car was facing.
Glancing back, it was still sitting there, so I could comfortably chalk it up to my anxiety playing up again. It wouldn't have been the first time I'd been paranoid.
Once I got away from that spot, it made it easier to calm down even more. I didn't see that fancy car again all the way back to our house, so I allowed myself to unwind. I was actually now glad I'd decided to skip taking a nap. This was much better, despite how tired I still was.
Not once did Andrew bring up anything to make things uncomfortable. It made it even easier to get back into the swing of things. I knew it was an unavoidable conversation, but the pressure wasn't there yet.
We made it back to the house just as Mike got home, and I kept Hunter entertained as Zack helped Mike bring in a few groceries he had picked up on his way home. Hunter chose to kick around the half-flat basketball again while I watched him from the corner across the yard. Naturally, Andrew stuck by me.
"I have to ask." He said, and I looked over at him, "What made you text?"
I rolled my eyes a little, "Can't I just text?"
"Of course." He replied, "I'm just curious."
"I'm really not ready to talk about what happened yet." I admitted quietly, "But I missed you. Is that okay? To want to be around you, but not want to talk about it?"
"That's perfectly perfect." He smiled a little, "Whatever you want." He really did seem satisfied with that. It was a step in the right direction with him.
"Okay then." I sighed, relieved.
Truth was, Andrew was one of my best friends. I owed a lot of my success today to him and the way he was always there for me. Just as much as Zack or Josh had been, but it was different with him. Maybe because he wasn't considered 'family', but I knew it was more than that.
I was terrified of losing him as a friend over what happened, and more terrified by what was now living in me because of it, but right then, I refused to think about that. Right then, I just wanted normal. I knew it couldn't last, but it was a craving I couldn't turn down anymore.
I did know, however, that things were about to change. Just looking at him told me that. I had no idea how much they'd change, but I knew it was coming. I knew better than to doubt that this feeling was caused by anything other than my gift. I'd gotten to know it enough to know that it was something that was definitely going to happen. I also knew better than to think that there was anything I could possibly do to keep things from changing. Whatever was going to happen was already in motion.
Yet somehow, it felt wrong for him to not be the first one to know. It suddenly felt wrong to hide this from him. No, I corrected myself. I had to tell him.
I took a breath. Now was as good a time to tell him as any. We were alone, and Hunter was preoccupied. It would be good practice for telling Heather, and I might not get another chance.
"There's something.. Something you need to know." I mumbled, and he looked over again.
"Oh?" He prompted.
"I know.." I hesitated, "I know I said I didn't want to talk about what happened.. And I still don't, but.. Do you remember what happened?" Smooth, I chided myself.
"Uh.." He paused, "Yeah. I'm pretty sure I do."
"Well.." I sighed, "Something happened."
"I know it did." He laughed a little, obviously not getting it.
"No." I said, "Something happened. Because of what we did, something happened." I couldn't even look at him, somehow too ashamed. He was silent for several long moments, probably trying to figure it out. I waited, knowing he would get it eventually.
"Oh." He muttered after a minute, and I could tell by his tone that he understood what I was telling him, "Oh." He paused again, "Wait.. Are you..?"
"Yeah." I mumbled as well.
"Oh shit." He sighed this time, turning slightly on the spot. I was quiet this time, letting him have his moment to freak out. When he finally spoke again, his tone was a lot quieter, "Who else knows?"
"Just you." I sniffled a little, hating my emotion. That was all the sign he needed to turn and hug me. I wasn't even sure why I was crying this time. I was so sick of crying.
"You've been going through this alone?" He asked as I returned his hug tightly. I nodded a little. He sighed, "Well, you're not alone anymore, and I know you don't want to talk about it, but we definitely need to talk about this."
"Later?" I requested quietly, "I just.. Need some time.."
"Is that why you've been avoiding me?"
"Mostly." I whimpered, "I just didn't want to ruin your life."
"Leandra, you aren't ruining my life." He said, "I don't know why you'd think you would be."
"It felt like it." I replied quietly, closing my eyes. He pulled back a little to look at me.
"Nobody else knows?" He asked, "Not even Heather?"
"Nobody else." I answered, "I've been.. Sort of trying to get my head around it myself before telling anyone else. I don't even know where to start."
"I'll be there." He offered, "I'll be there with you when you tell her. If you want me to be." That was a huge offer. Not only should he be running for the hills when I told her, but there was Josh. He knew as well as I did what Josh would probably do to him when he found out. Even if it was half my fault.
"I'll think about it." I finally murmured, and he nodded. Respecting that.
"That gives me time to think about how I'm going to tell my dad." He muttered, and if possible, he lost even more color from his face. He sighed, "He's gonna kill me."
"I'll be there too." I offered this time, and he shook his head.
"You probably don't want to be there." He replied, "He's going to be pissed."
"And you think Heather won't be?" I asked, "If your dad doesn't kill you, Mike might."
"I'll still be there." He murmured, "It's the right thing."
"Just.." I sighed, "Don't tell your dad yet. I'm not ready for him to call Heather."
"No problem." He easily agreed.
"Look at you two." Our attention was taken by Zack crossing the yard toward us, his grin very evident. One glance between Andrew and I was enough. A silent confirmation that our conversation was now over.
Andrew hesitated at first, but gave in and hugged me again. I didn't even mind it this time. It was actually very relieving to have him know. I wasn't alone in it anymore, and it was one less person I had to hide it from.
A/N: Woohoo! More progress.
As I mentioned before, I know these chapters aren't as long as I've released in the past. I'm sort of trying to slow things down a bit. Keep it simple. Instead of having everything happen at once in a single chapter.
Anyhoo..
THANK YOU! To my AMAZING reviewers! I've certainly missed your feedback! :D
Four won't take much time, as I'm eager to get that one out. ;)
Until four, my friends!
