Disclaimer: I do not own Ghost Whisperer or anything you recognize from it. Thank you to every one of you and especially to those that reviewed, I appreciate it. Please Enjoy and please review!


There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way. —Marya Hornbacher


Chapter 3

Fighting the Tides of Isolated Hopelessness

It had taken Tessa six trips before she had finally emptied her car of all of the things she had purchased from both the liquor and grocery store. And by the time she had unpacked and put away all of the grocery and lined the alcohol against the wall near the tent, dusk had already fallen and she was wavering on her feet from the exhaustion. If she weren't so tired, she'd be worrying about the familiar cold tugging sensation that always meant she hadn't run fast or far enough away and rubbed her neck, trying to loosen the tension.

Looking around her dimly lit apartment, she glanced at the curtain-covered window and nodded, there would be no reflections for her to glance at by accident tonight or any other night. Quickly changing into her old sweats, she reached down and grasped a bottle of whisky in her trembling hand: she may be exhausted but the terror was already building and the pounding of worry in her veins made it next to impossible to close her eyes willingly. It was a familiar scene she had struggled with since she was younger, too afraid to sleep but too tired to do anything more than stare at the celling in failure. She yawned hugely as she unscrewed the metal cap on the whiskey and took a swill of the vile amber liquid. She shuddered but bit back a gag: it was the only remedy for her to keep on living.

It was something she had learned while in the hospital; they had given her daily doses of tranquilizers at night to ease her screaming and though it had made her pass out sometimes, when she awoke to find out she wasn't alone in her room, her reality splintered. At least with alcohol, the only affect it had on her was to act as a sedative. She straightened her shoulders and took three more gulps, crawling into the tent and zipping it shut. She didn't bother shutting the lights off in her apartment, it was already dark and regardless of anything, the light always made her feel marginally better. She tightened the cap on the bottle of whiskey; setting it aside so she could sprawl on the sleeping bags. Tessa felt the familiar warming of her limbs and the numbing of her senses, hating that she had to drink just to sleep. Staring at the orange ceiling of the tent, she let out a defeated sob; what did she ever do to deserve such a life? She had come from a good family that only ever wanted normal and yet…why wasn't she normal? Why couldn't she have been smart enough to not talk about her imaginary friends? To accept that she was different and not need vindication and understanding from her family? She wiped her eyes before the tears slid into her hair and held a hand to her mouth trying to stifle the painful sobs. Her entire life had been built on pretences and abandonment until she had found herself all alone fighting everyone, everything, and most of all, herself. There had been dark days when she had found herself staring at a bridge longingly, wishing she could end the days of shame and nights of terror but she hadn't then and she sure as hell wouldn't now. Though everyone in her past had given up on her, she hadn't given up on herself just yet. And she'd be damned before she ever gave into their wishes. But sometimes it was all too much: everything hurt and all she wanted to do was give in. She wouldn't admit defeat so easily but it was a fanciful dream that took the sting away from the inescapable truth of her reality. A lulling silence befell her nerves and she closed her eyes letting herself float on the waves of nothingness: hoping tonight would be a night away from her wretched existence of loneliness.

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Tessa woke with a jolt, gasping awake from the blankness of unconsciousness to hazy alertness. She rubbed her sore eyes and yawned, stretching with a moan of pleasure before settling herself on her stomach, her eyes closing on their own accord. She was in the in-between state of conscious slumber and was too tired to shake off the vestiges to worry about anything other than falling back to sleep. She rested her head on her arms and sighed happily, losing herself to the empty silence of the night. She heard a murmur and shook her head, not fully awake to understand anything other than her drowsiness.

About to fall back asleep she heard another murmur, her eyes popping opening in terror, the pounding of her heart beating in her eardrums. She quieted her breathing and clutched the pillow in her hands, not wanting to move or make a sound in case the murmuring had been imagined. She began trembling; hoping everything had been borne from her slumberous mind when something heavy fell against the tent. She shook her head and began counting; something a doctor had once told her would help with the terror. She felt her gorge rise at the mounting fear of something unknown scratching against the door of her tent. Regardless of how many years she had been haunted, she was still as scared as she had been the first time. She shuddered when she recognised a metallic clinking sound and realised something had grasped onto the two zippers to drag the tent door open. She scrambled into a sitting position and held a flashlight in her shaking hands: rocking back and forth in hopes to calm her beating heart and nauseated stomach. She heard another murmur and covered her mouth with her left hand, wishing she too had died all those years ago.

The alcohol had worn off many hours ago and if there had been any traces in her blood, the terror of facing something outside of her tent would have eradicated it. She heard whispered murmurs now, indistinct and overlapping, like two voices of giggling giddy children playing hide and go seek. She jumped and bit down on the corner of her lip until her mouth flooded with the sickly rich coppery taste of her own blood when the zippers were tugged apart, slowly descending on opposing sides of the door. She never greeted anything that haunted her, and even if she tried, her vocal chords were too entangled in fright to be of use. She sat there, watching in helpless horror as the tent flap slowly descended, an empty doorway greeting her. Tessa would rather have faced the entity as the tent door descended than have to crawl out of her safe haven into the unknown. There was one good thing in such terrifying moments; the ghosts never entered the tent for some reason, which she never bothered to question aside from being extremely grateful. She shook her head, there was no way she'd go out of that tent by her own accord, not when it was opened from the outside, not with the amount of whispered murmurs or impatient footsteps moving around. She shivered wishing she had something, anything on her side for once.

"Shh, don't wake her."

"I think we already did, stupid."

"Don't call me stupid."

Tessa swallowed and straightened her shoulders, listening to the whispered voices of two different echoes that once were living. She sighed, the voices sounded young: painfully young and though Tessa hated her gift, she felt a surge of protectiveness ease some of her nerves. Some of the same protective instincts that had once caused her so much grief in the past. She hated the gift but she could never hate the dead for wanting closure, except for the thing that haunted her. It had taken her years to stop the hatred from blossoming and it had cost her too much to even list. She sighed, rubbing her tender eyes and placed the squished pillow beside her, slowly getting to her knees, "What are your names?" She called out, wanting them to chatter so it would ease some of her nerves. She knew if they were chattering as children tended to do, they wouldn't notice her slight flinch and jolt upon seeing them, something she could never quite control.

"I'm Abby." A young voice called out.

"I'm Samantha."

She nodded, crawling slowly out of the cave, biting her cut and bloody lip until her heartbeat calmed, adopting a nonchalant welcoming tone that bellied her shattered nerves, "I'm Tessa." She said glancing around until she saw two young children holding hands to her right of the tent. Her heart stopped for a beat but she swallowed down the urge to scream until she lost her voice. They were obviously twins with their shared looks, clutching hands, and despite being terrified, she felt a moment of deep grief for the two sisters clasping each other's hands in obvious confusion and slight fear. They both had shoulder length light brown hair, deep blue eyes and aside from their unnaturally pale skin, they looked perfectly healthy. She glanced around and stood, "How'd you know where to find me?" She asked pleasantly, as though they at a Sunday brunch.

One of the girls shrugged, "She told us you could help us, she said you enjoyed playing hide and go seek but we want our mommy too much to play right now." Tessa recognised the voice as Samantha and nodded, the words not sinking in just yet.

Tessa blanched a full minute later, "What did she look like?"

"She was mean." Abby said moving closer to Samantha.

Samantha cradled Abby's shoulders, "She had long hair, longer than yours." She pointed to Tessa's chest length hair and moved her hand lower until it pointed to Tessa's stomach.

She nodded, feeling faint but steeled herself to keep fighting for the two lost little girls, "Where's your parents?"

"Daddy died when we were little and mommy's waiting for us." Samantha said.

Tessa nodded, knowing she couldn't tell the little girls they were dead just yet and settled for finding their mother for the time being, "Do you know where your mother is if I take you to her?" She asked quietly.

Abby nodded, "I'm very good at memo…memory…"

"She can memorize every small detail." Samantha boasted.

Tessa felt the tears build and nodded, swallowing down the urge to cry for them both, "Let me go get my car keys."

She bent into the tent and grabbed her keys, "Make sure you stay close to me." She said as she ushered them out of her apartment.

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Tessa pulled over to the side of the highway and stared at the overturned car a few metres away, "I would like to report a car accident." She said to the dispatcher over the phone. She gave all of the details and hung up, closing her eyes against the horror before her.

"Why are you crying?"

Tessa shook her head and wiped her eyes, "How do you feel about seeing your dad again?" She unbuckled her seatbelt and shifted to the passenger's seat where both girls sat, Abby sitting on Samantha's lap, "Don't you miss him?" She asked huskily, the building grief dusting her words.

Both girls nodded but Samantha spoke up first, "But mommy said he's dead."

Tessa nodded, "You can go with him and stay with him until your mommy joins you."

"But how long? I miss mommy!" Abby began crying and Samantha hugged her tighter.

Not bothering to wipe away the tears, she shook her head, "You won't even know a day has passed. It'll be quick if you go with your father." Tessa made a habit to never promise anything she couldn't keep, something she learned a long time ago and though she didn't know what lay before the two girls, she knew the dead had a different time lapse than the living. And for once, she felt a certainty settle in her bones and knew she was speaking the truth, "He'll take good care of you…he probably misses you as much as you miss him."

Abby quieted, "But what about mommy?"

Samantha glanced out into the dark and stared back at Tessa, understanding swimming in her young eyes and Tessa once again felt the pang of loss for the girls' lives and innocence, "Will you tell her something for us?"

Tessa nodded, "I can promise you that."

"Tell her that we love her and miss her…we'll be waiting for her with daddy." Samantha said and Tessa nodded, rubbing her nose with her sleeve.

"Look, Sammy. There's daddy!" Abby squealed and pointed to the other side of the highway, to something that Tessa couldn't see.

She got out and joined the twins on the side of the road; the night air eerily quiet, devoid of the normal sounds of crickets, "Be safe." She said and watched them walk to the opposing side of the road, disappearing into the darkness. All Tessa wanted to do was fall to her knees and cry at the injustice of life but she couldn't just yet, she had a message to pass on to their mother and if the girls' bravery taught her anything, it was to keep fighting.

She walked determinedly to the overturned car and sidestepped the broken glass and wreckage, gingerly kneeling besides the driver's window. She bent lower until her cheek touched the cool gravel and found a bloodied, unconscious woman still held to the seat by her seatbelt. She knew it would take the ambulance half an hour if they sped and though she wanted to reach over and pull the woman to safety, the dispatcher had been vehement in their orders of leaving the woman untouched. She remained like that even when her legs screamed in protest, when her arms began shaking under the strain of holding her up, she remained frozen; her eyes glued to the woman's face.

She didn't know how long she bent like that but soon she heard the distant wailing of sirens and knew it would be any time now for the woman to be saved. And still the woman didn't rouse from unconsciousness and though she had promised to pass on a message to the mother, she was glad she didn't wake up just yet. She knew from the bloody wounds, her health was still touch and go: it wouldn't do well for her to know of her daughters' deaths just yet. But when she woke in the hospital, she would have to face a lifetime devoid of both her husband and her children and she would need her strength for that.

Hearing the crunch of gravel and sirens nearing her, the night sky lighting up from the flashing lights of the ambulance and fire truck, Tessa stood, wavering on her feet from the draining adrenaline and terror, leaving exhaustion in its wake. She slowly moved away from the car, her muscles protesting from the movement and watched as firefighters and EMT workers passed her. She saw a few police cruisers and began walking towards their cars, readying a statement in her head.

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"It's a good thing you decided to go for a late drive." The police officer said once again glancing at her split and bloodied lip.

Tessa nodded and rubbed her neck, it had taken the police officer half and hour to take her statement after the initial five minutes of incredulity at her statement of 'I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a drive to relax me but bit my lip by accident when I stopped the car suddenly'. It had worked so many other times before and once again, it worked like a charm. "Do you have a piece of paper and a pen I can borrow? I just need to write a condolence letter to the woman." She said politely.

The officer nodded and tore out two papers from his small notebook and handed her his pen, "You did a good thing here tonight."

She shook her head, "I didn't do anything." She said wishing she could have saved the two girls. But she had learned long ago that she was in the miserable business of helping the dead, not saving the living.

She sauntered near the trunk of the cruiser, bending down and scrawling a note to the woman; she wrote more than what the twins had said but knew both girls felt the words. When they had sprawled and covered the two bodies of the girls with a sheet, Tessa hadn't bothered to look. She would rather remember people as they were when living then remember her last glance of their bodies frozen in death. That one truth didn't hold to what haunted her, she couldn't even distinguish the ugliness of death or the torture of life anymore when thinking about—"Were you the one that found them?"

Recognising the deep and slightly husky voice, she turned her head and found herself staring up at the tomato sauce man from earlier that night…though it seemed like ages ago. She glanced around her and found the fire fighters milling around the truck, "Are you all done?" She asked clearing her throat and staring at his gloved hands. It was easier than staring up at him; even though the night hid most, the flashing white and red lights still lit up his face and from what she had seen: the man was dangerous-looking, though more dangerous to her sense of stable loneliness than to her physical well-being.

He sighed quietly and nodded, "We'll be leaving soon…you didn't answer me. Did you find them?"

She frowned and folded the note a few times; too tired to point out that she had obviously found them since she was the only civilian present. But she needed a favour from him and knew from childhood that the only way to manipulate someone was to be pleasant, "Yes. I…I couldn't sleep so I decided to go for a drive." She said lamely, unnerved by his presence. She couldn't remember the last time someone willingly spoke to her and she sure as hell couldn't remember the time she ever felt this unnerved by a living person's presence.

He nodded and shook his head, "Well, it's a good thing you couldn't sleep but normal people watch TV or read something if they can't sleep. You should get your lip checked out."

Tessa felt an unfamiliar pang and frowned to herself, it was silly to get upset and hurt after the things she had seen tonight but still she couldn't help but bite back the petty words. She knew she wasn't normal; she had been locked away for being so far from normal that she was sick of hearing it. She may not be normal in society's eyes but she was damn normal to herself. She held out the folded note to him, "Can you make sure the woman gets this?"

Staring at her hand holding the note, she ignored the slight tremble and frowned when he still made no move to grab it, "Please? At least pass it on to the EMTs or something." She said, forcing the exhaustion away. She had promised Samantha and Abby: it was the only thing that kept her going.

"Why don't you go? I'm sure she'll want to thank you. And you need to get your lip looked at." He said still not moving and she brushed off the flutter of hope she felt thinking this strange man could ever care for her. They had only met once and she was far too weird for someone to even go out of their way for…he was only doing his duty as a concerned fireman.

"I didn't do anything. It was you and the EMTs that did everything. She'll want to talk to you…" Tessa didn't bother adding that the note would probably make the woman weep and possibly faint. She knew she couldn't look at the woman with the amount of guilt and shame she carried on her shoulders; though it was stupid to blame herself for not saving the twins lives, she couldn't rid the filth that settled under her skin. Not including the fact that she had spent many years in a hospital and she had no intention of ever setting foot in one ever again. "Please."

The desperation must have leaked through because he reached over and grasped it from her clenching fingers, "I'll make sure she personally gets it." He said quietly.

She nodded her thanks and placed the pen gently on the trunk of the cruiser, she needed to get back to bed fast or she was going to pass out from exhaustion right then and there. "What's your name?" He asked jarring her from her thoughts.

Tessa shook her head and mumbled an indistinct sound, turning on her heels and forcing herself to remain upright as she made her way to her parked car. She got in and slowly reversed until she had room to turn her small car around and once she was safely away from prying ears, she hit the radio button and turned the volume high enough to make her eyeballs hurt.

It took another twenty-minutes and a few broken speeding laws before she pulled haphazardly into her parking spot. Keeping her eyes downcast, she stumbled and quietly moaned to herself until she finally reached her apartment. She unlocked it and steeled herself to push the door open, the exhaustion moving aside for the slight fear that seeped into her veins. She didn't think anything else would come visit her and maybe she was being irrational but she still couldn't quell the nagging sensation of being watched from the back of her mind. She locked the door behind her and walked to her tent, glancing inside to make sure there were no nasty surprises and proceeded to lock herself away in safety; feeling much better after she was confined inside the annoyingly orange tent. It was only after two large swigs of whiskey that burned her cut lip that she finally able to settle on the sleeping bag, suddenly too tired to crawl under the covers. Her life was far from perfect and there may be moments of intense self-loathing but she would never stop fighting for survival, making sure she would have many more tomorrows. And tomorrow she could worry about what Samantha and Abby had said about her.