SCENE 5:

On the Enterprise, everything is slowly returning to normal. Continental plates are again forming on the forehead of Worf. Picard is rapidly losing his hair and his shade of blue, and Troi's third breast is fast melting away, much to her, and Riker's, silent disappointments.

Meanwhile, the Borg has left the sector in a rather confused state of a collectively irrelevant whale existence.

Worf: Burp.

Picard: Your report, Mr. Data.

Data: It appears that an improbability field was created by the Heart of Gold, which caused the Borg to turn into the sperm whale, and everything else that happened here on the Enterprise as well. Including, sir, your existence as a small blue ...

Picard: Yes, yes, Data. And where is the Heart of Gold?

Worf: Sir, the Heart of Gold has materialized in Shuttle Bay Three. Should I send over a security team?

Picard: Prisoners! Good, I've always wanted some. Worf, Data, come with me. You have the bridge, Number One.

Worf and Data starts to follow Picard into the turbo-lift.

Picard: Prisoners ... perhaps I will read them some of my favorite Shakespearean performances.

Worf paused in his tracks like a waiter with five trays on each arm suddenly stopped by a very merry and potentially high-tipping grandmother holding out the fifty photographs of her twenty grandchildren, and asking him, very nicely, if he would like to see her pictures.

Worf: Shakespeare, sir?

Picard: Yes, Mr. Worf. William Shakespeare was a sixteenth century Earth playwriter. One of the most talented ...

Worf: I am familiar with Shakespeare, sir. Permission to remain on the bridge, sir, in case the Borg returns.

Picard: But Worf, I don't believe you've heard me do Anthony of Julius Caesar before. (clears throat) Friends, Romans, countrymen!

Worf: In fact, sir, I have heard you do Anthony of Julius Caesar.

Picard: Oh. Well, come along anyway. Maybe I'll do one of Hamlet's soliloquys.

Worf followed Picard and Data into the turbo-lift, first with great hesitation, then with a re-newed sense of Klingon's enjoyment for pain and suffering.

Worf: Yes, sir.

Data: I, sir, have always being intrigued by your fascination with Shakespeare.

Picard: Ah, well. You see, Data, Shakespeare ...

The doors of the turbo-lift closed on them with a sigh of a job well done. Worf took a deep breath, vastly expanding his chest, and with great difficulty refrained himself from breaking Data's rather stiff neck with a snap of his own rather stiff fingers. Ah ... he sighed deeply to himself. This is going to be even better than the Age of Ascension Ceremony that he went through a couple staryears ago on the holodeck, courtesy of Data, Geordi, and Wes. No fake and cowardly computer imageries this time. This, he thought happily, is going to be real pain.


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SCENE 6:

In Shuttle Bay Three, Picard, Data, Worf, and a team of security personnels have surrounded the Heart of Gold.

Picard: All right, open up! We know you're in there, and we've got you surrounded!

Worf: Permission to kick the door in, sir.

Picard: No, Lieutenant. We must act like civilized Starfleet officers. (coughs) "In civility thou seem'st so empty", Mr. Worf.

Data: Ah, Captain. "As You Like It", Act Two. Spoken by, I believe, Duke Senior.

Picard: You're quite correct, Mr. Data.

Worf had a sudden vision of Picard running and screaming from his burning quarters, with twenty sweetly poisoned Klingon Death-O-Shot crossbow arrows protruding from his back, and Data running closely behind, informing him on exactly how much longer before the poisons will take effect, whether he

will die first due to loss of blood, what kind of psychological impacts that the arrows will likely to have on his subconscious, and then lightly comment on the fact that he is acting quite uncivilized for a Starfleet

Captain.

Shaking himself into reality, he is suddenly relieved by the fact that both Picard and Data are standing on the other side of the Heart of Gold from him.

Worf: My apologies, sir. It's just that I've got myself all worked up.

He is desperately hoping that the occupants of the ship in front of him will give themselves up real soon, so that he can show them just how uncivilized he really is.

Meanwhile, in the Heart of Gold, Zaphod and company have finally activated the external cameras without Eddie ...

Arthur: I think we're surrounded.

Zaphod: Nice observation, Monkey Man.

Arthur: What happened to that guy's head?

Zaphod: He's a Klingon, dumbo.

Arthur is relieved that he is still being insulted. Even though he has no idea what is going on, at least he is still in familiar territory.

Forways outta here.

Trillian: I think we should surrender.

Ford: That was my second idea.

Arthur: Good thinking.

Zaphod: I was gonna show them who they're dealing with, but seeing that I'm out-voted here, and it would take much too much energy for me to do it all along ... well, all right, we'll let them have their fun, just for now.

The loading platform of the Heart of Gold swings open, and the crew walks out into the circle of the Enterprise security, arms above the heads.

Picard: (straightening his uniform, of course) I am Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise. I demand to know what on the Enterprise are you doing in my Shuttle Bay Three!

Zaphod: Captain Picard. Do you have any idea who you are speaking to?

Picard: (taken aback) Err..., no.

Zaphod: Count my heads, Picard.

Picard: Well, you have two heads.

Zaphod: Very good, Picard. And how many arms do I have?

Picard: You have three arms.

Data: Captain, only one man in the galaxy has two heads and three arms.

Picard: Yes ... Zaphod Beeblebrox the First, President of the United Federation of Planets!

Zaphod: That's right, dude. You're looking at the very froody Zaphod Beeblebrox. The one and only.

Data: Former President, Captain. We have just received an emergency all-channel sub-etha broadcast announcing his theft of the Federation's newest starship, the Heart of Gold. The broadcast also includes an arrest order for Mr. Beeblebrox.

Ford: Oh, Zarquons!

Worf: (beaming happily) An arrest! (this is working out better than Worf had hoped) May I interrogate them, sir?

Picard: Well, he was the President.

Worf: But they are prisoners now, sir.

Picard: All right, interrogate them if you must. Ask them what they want to drink.

Worf takes a deep breath, expanding his chest tremendously. He walks around the crew of the Heart of Gold, eyeing them through the corner of his eyes. His lips are shut in a tight, thin line. He examines every square centimetre of every person up and down, in great detail, stopping at Trillian a little longer than the others.

Worf: (barks) All right, you scums! (taking both of Zaphod's two chins in his two hands and turning both of his heads to him) Look at me when I'm talking to you, you no-good, stinking, son-of-a-Purmusian jungle turtle with ...

Picard: Relax, Lieutenant.

Worf: (takes another deep breath) Yes, sir. (turning back to Zaphod, he barks) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK ?

Zaphod: Well, I can sure use some Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

Worf: WITH ICE OR WITHOUT ?

Zaphod: Without. I like it straight.

Worf: LEMON ?

Zaphod: Yeah. Give me two slices.

Worf: (turning to Ford) AND YOU?

Ford: Oh, the same, please. But can you put one of those Pogolarian snow lizards in mine?

Worf: I AM THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS !

Picard: Lieutenant ...

Worf: (turning to Arthur) AND WHAT DO YOU WANT, MONKEY MAN?

Arthur: Do you have any tea?

Worf: WHAT?

Data: Tea, Worf. I believe Geordi is working on some right now.

Suddenly, the red-alert siren echoes through the ship.

Riker: (over the intercom) Captain Picard to the bridge!

Picard: (hitting his communications pin) On my way. (to the security) Take these gentlemen and the lady to our Presidential Detention Suite. Make sure you show them how to use the jacuzzi.

Ensign 1: Yes, sir!

OOO


Will Arthur finally be able to get his tea?

Did Worf just narrowly escaped another one of Picard's Shakespeare performances?

Will the Enterprise send Zaphod to (gasp!) the Total Perspective Vortex on Frogstar?

And finally, will Deanna add a third breast to herself surgically?

Don't miss the next exciting episode of ...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Star Trek: The Next Generation!

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