"Project Akatsuki 03- Date
Night"
by SuperGrouper
Part 1 the letter spelled their doom
Kisame woke up disappointed. He had been having a lovely dream about winning a free, "all-you-can-eat" trip to an upper-class sushi bar when Itachi whacked him on the face with a rolled up newspaper, ending his moment of bliss.
"Ow! What was that for?!" the shark man asked angrily.
"You were drooling in your sleep, and it was annoying me," the Uchiha answered without emotion. "Also, I thought that you might want to take a look at this," Itachi continued, thrusting a letter at him.
The letter was neatly type on their Leader's personal stationary, complete his special header, which portrayed a swirly eyeball watching the earth. Kisame, still rather irritable, was speechless from annoyance once he completed reading it.
"Well, what do you think?" Itachi asked. "I'd like to think that it's a joke, but it's on the Leader's personal stationary... Surely no prankster would take it that far. No one would risk their life to steal the boss's stationary out of his own desk, type a letter, and then forge Pein-sama's name on it. Tobi's not smart enough and Deidara's not stupid enough. The others never pull pranks. ...so, the letter must be legit, right?"
Kisame furrowed his brow, feeling a mixture of fear and perplexity. After a while, he began,
"Well, it... does look real... but, why would Pein-sama want us to do something like that? It's ridiculous! I mean, we'd... look like fools! Girly, embarrassed fools! It... must be a mistake, right?"
"Mistakes don't happen on Pein's stationary, signed with his name, in his handwriting," Itachi replied despondently, "and as you know, our Leader has absolutely no sense of humor. There are three people in Akatsuki who can forge handwriting- myself, Tobi and Deidara. Tobi would never get out of Pein's office alive if he tried to break in. Deidara, dull as he is, is still too smart to try it and I know that I didn't do this. Pranks are for weaklings with nothing better to do.
"So," Itachi finished, "as alarming as it is, I think that this is an actual letter from Pein-sama. I would love to know what he's thinking, though..."
"...I'm not sure that I want to know what he's thinking. A Western-style ball? Maybe he means like baseball, though..." Kisame said, clinging to vain hope.
"No. He couldn't mean that. He says to wear Western suits and bring a date. I've never seen anyone wear a suit to a baseball game."
"But... WHY?! Why would he do this to us? Is he nuts?!" Kisame asked, growing alarmed. "I can't dance... and what about dates? I don't have a girlfriend or anything... What am I supposed to do?!"
"None of us have girlfriends, Kisame. Well, unless you count Sasori's crush on that pink-haired brat... And I seriously doubt that she would go with him."
"I don't know about that..." Kisame said slowly. "On the internet, that kid is with everyone from the Deidara to your little brother- some people even have her with me."
"Kisame- please do not tell me that you go to those websites..."
"You know, Itachi, sometime you ought to go to and look up 'Itachi Sakura'. You'll find all sorts of stuff. You seem to be more popular than I am, though... Your fans are many and perverted."
"deviant... ART?! You've been to an ART site?!?! Art is for pansies! What are you thinking?!?!"
"Well, Deidara-san has an account there, so I was curious. Hey, if you look up 'mermaid' there you can find some GREAT stuff, let me tell you!" Kisame chirped, smiling broadly. He didn't notice Itachi glaring at him in cold exasperation.
"I suggest that we meet with the others. From the way this letter is written, my guess is that everyone got one. We can try to figure out what our next step should be, as a group."
"My next step is what I'm worried about!" Kisame moaned sadly. "I can't dance! And all the good women are already taken..."
"...who is your ideal woman, anyway?" Itachi asked aloofly.
"...well... I guess, a girl from a certain TV show, whose name is Michiru. I don't think that I'd be her type, though."
"...you... don't mean... that you watch that series..." Itachi said, his eyes wide open in horror.
"...you must too, though, or you wouldn't recognize the name," Kisame muttered quietly.
Itachi paled and quickly suggested that they go convene with the others. Kisame agreed that this was an excellent idea and started out ahead of his partner with a brisk pace.
Part 2 He must be joking, un.
"WOW! TOBI IS SO EXCITED! A REAL DANCE! WOWIE!"
"Tobi, if you don't shut up, I'm going to wrap your tongue around your mask, un."
"A REAL DANCE! JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES!!" D
"TOBI!!!" Deidara screamed angrily, hurling a wad of clay at the masked ninja. He paused from his sculpting when he sensed one... no, two people approaching. He assumed that the forms approaching were other Akatsuki, but just in case, he reached his left hand into the satchel at his waist. He grimaced when he saw that Itachi was one of the two walking into his studio. Well, at least, what he called his 'studio.' In reality, the rock nin had staged a hostile takeover of a large walk-in closet near to his bedroom. The diminutive, clay-plastered space now contained four people, including one very hyperactive and excited Tobi. Deidara couldn't help but feel a tinge of disgust at being crammed into such a tiny room with so many annoying people. He had the urge to blow something up, but he managed to restrain himself.
"I take it, from what your junior officer was saying, that you also received letters instructing you to prepare to attend a 'ball,'" Itachi said, displaying all the emotion of a stone sculpture. "Am I correct in thinking this?"
"Yeah. I'd like to think that it's a joke... but this is Leader's own stationary- and it's his handwriting too, make no doubt about it, un."
Their conversation was interrupted when the door creaked open, almost knocking Itachi into Deidara's lap. A red-head, looking about 18 years old, peered in. In a surprisingly low voice, he asked if Deidara was behind the letter which he had received.
Tobi, happy to have another member in his "audience," happily started talking about the dance to which Leader-sama had so kindly invited them. Midway through his loud monologue, Tobi was jerked up against the ceiling, as if by an invisible string, making room for the red-head to enter. Tobi, utterly bewildered, was silent for a while as he struggled to find release from the invisible cords which seemed to bind him.
"...Are you sure that you should be here, Sasori-no-Danna?" Deidara asked with masked concern. "It took FOREVER to get you back together, un. Maybe you should rest or something, un."
"I've been dead for a year, I come back, and you STILL have that ridiculous speech impediment. .." Sasori had, resting his forehead on his raised hand. "Are you ever going to get rid of that?"
"...but Kakuzu took me off my medication, un." the blond replied, his eye twitching rapidly. "Kakuzu said that the medication was too expensive and that I blew things up better without it, un."
"Remind me to kill him later... I'll put that on my 'to-do' list, after Sakura-chan."
The others, except for Tobi, simultaneously burst into loud laughter.
"What?" Sasori asked with puzzlement. "Is it wrong to keep lists of things? It helps me keep track of who to take revenge on."
The others just laughed harder. Sasori shrugged his shoulders in confusion and left. Leaning out the door, Kisame yelled after him,
"You might take Sakura-chan with you to the ball. I'm sure she's as wild about you as you are about her! Maybe you can play dolls together afterwards!" Kisame was laughing so hard that he was bent over, with tears in his eyes. Sasori's response was to raise a finger, while still walking away. When he did so, Tobi crashed down from the ceiling, landing on the men in the studio and completely crushing Deidara's intricate sculpture.
"I don't get it, Senpai," the boy asked. "What's funny about Sakura-chan being on Sasori-san's 'to-do' list? Doesn't he want revenge for losing to her?"
"...I don't think that he wants to kill her," Kisame began. "I think that it's more link he..."
"Be quiet, un!" Deidara yelled abruptly. "Tobi's a good boy! He doesn't need to hear about your theory!"
"So, then," Kisame responded, "Are you saying that you don't think that Sasori has the hots for Pinkie?"
"...well... I know that he has a plush doll of her that he hugs while he's sleeping, un- but that doesn't mean that he's in love with her, does it?"
"Deidara's right," Itachi said. "Holding that doll, made in the image of his adversary, reminds Sasori of his hatred. It helps him to focus more on his plans for revenge."
"I don't know, though..." Deidara mused, "He has an account on my computer for checking email, and I look at it sometimes, un. He also has a Sakura wallpaper from as his desktop background on his user account... And he has a Sakura browser theme, Sakura icons, a Sakura's-battle-cries sound scheme, and he receives emails from 5 different Sakura fan clubs on the internet... And apparently he's been using The GIMP for nothing but drawing pictures of her in evening gowns and swimsuits..."
"Like I said," Itachi cut in, "It's to remind him of his hatred of her. What other reason could there be?"
No one was in a mood to argue with him.
Part 3 Where are girls?
"...Do you think that there are really girls here, Zetsu-san?" Tobi asked innocently.
"I think so. Konan spends almost all of her time here. This place is called a "mall," and this is where females go to purchase clothing and spend their recreational hours."
"Wow, Zetsu-san. You sure are smart!" Tobi said, obviously impressed by Zetsu's knowledge of women. "So, you think that we can find girls to take to the dance here?"
"I think so, Tobi. Try to find a girl and ask her to go to the dance with you."
Tobi approached a group of girls near a clothing store and asked them if any of them would be interested in coming with him for a few days (since the dance was 3 days away.) All of them shrieked and ran away.
Puzzled over their reaction, Tobi proceeded to the food court. There, he saw a pretty brown-haired girl eating a wrap. She held a magazine in one hand, glancing over the articles as she read. Sensing Tobi approaching, she lept to her feet and whirled around to face him, her countenance growing serious.
"Hey! Would you like to dance with me?" Tobi chirped.
"YOU!! You're one of those Akatsuki people! I recognize your cloak! You're one of the ones who kidnapped Gaara-sama!" the girl shrieked, her face flushing with anger. Her hand whipped into her kunai pouch, extracting several of the knives, which she hurled at the masked man, oblivious to the rapidly growing audience of onlookers.
Tobi quickly went into defense mode, deflecting the sand ninja's knives with surprising ease. He was so shocked at her assault that he didn't notice someone approaching him from behind. A giant hand, made of sand, tightly latched onto him, restraining his movements almost completely.
"Gaara-sama!" the girl squealed with delight.
"Matsuri- you shouldn't try to fight an Akatsuki by yourself! What were you thinking?!"
The kunoichi seemed troubled by her superior's rebuke, although she knew that he was concerned for her safety. Tobi wondered who the girl was, and who was behind him, constricting him more and more with sand... Tobi's musings were interrupted when Zetsu screamed at him.
"Tobi! RUN!!"
Zetsu launched himself at the Kazekage, tackling him and causing him to loosen the grip of his sand on Tobi. Without pausing, Zetsu lept to his feet and took off running at top speed, followed closely by Tobi. Gaara quickly dashed between them and Matsuri, then sent his sand in pursuit of the two Akatsuki- but he was too late. Tobi and Zetsu, fleeing for their lives in mad terror, were faster than Gaara, who was far more interested in Matsuri's safety than in pursuing her would-be assailants.
Meanwhile, the other men were having similar, if not worse, luck than Tobi. At the first view of his hands, Deidara's prospects immediately screamed and ran, while Kisame's mere appearance in the distance caused everyone to run for their lives. Sasori couldn't manage to convince anyone that he was not part of an elaborate practical joke. No one would believe that he was actually human, albeit with a doll's body.
Despondent, the Akatsuki reconvened at their hideout. No one had found a date yet- except for Itachi, who was trailed by scores of squealing admirers. The other Akatsuki were reminded of how much they hated him.
Part 4Desperate Times Call for Artistic Measures
There were only two days- well, really, one and one-half- until the dance. Attendance was mandatory for all of the Akatsuki, and to attend a Western-style ball, one had to have a date. Itachi had 53. The others had none. They were in quite a predicament. Once again, the guys squeezed into Deidara's "studio" for a strategy meeting. Truly, there wasn't enough oxygen for that many people in one closet, but they were desperate, and Deidara's studio/closet had become their unofficial group meeting-place. Itachi's 53 dates stood outside, squealing for him to come back out and talk to them when the meeting was over. Itachi pretended not to notice the cold glares he received from his teammates when he shoved his way into the closet.
"You shouldn't even be here," Zetsu said coldly. "You have FIFTY-THREE dates outside! This is a strategy meeting for how to get dates! You don't belong here!!"
"...it's not my fault that I am more attractive than any of you." Itachi whispered unemotionally.
"You know, you could share with us! You can't dance with that many women in one night, Itachi-san!" Tobi suggested.
"I can through the power of the Mangekyou Sharingan."
"Let's just kill him now, un! He's outnumbered!!" a voice screamed, as the lights in the closet suddenly switched off.
Itachi emerged a few minutes later. He pulled at a loose thread on his cloak. He hated appearing untidy. Followed by his 53 fangirls, he walked away.
A few hours later, when the others regained consciousness, they once again began to deliberate about their date situation. Things were going nowhere until Sasori came up with a revolutionary idea- why not make their own dates?
"Well, it might work, un. I could make one out of clay- my power is giving life to clay sculptures, after all."
"You could name her 'Galatea,'" Kisame suggested with a grin.
"No way, un! Why would anyone name a statue that?" Deidara asked arrogantly. "You don't understand art, un."
Kisame sighed as he realized the literacy level of his coworkers.
"Well, anyway, I can make a girl statue out of clay- and Sasori-no-danna, you can make a puppet that can pass as a human. It's only for one night- we can SO improvise for just one night, un!" Deidara said excitedly. "I have just the idea for how to make a clay statue- I can use a human skeleton for the framework, then cover it with clay and fire it in my special kiln..."
(Group sweatdrop.)
"Anyway, I'm going to go get to work, un." Deidara left in a happily hyperactive rush. Sasori returned to his room and brought out some of his best puppet-carving wood. Bringing out his sketchbook, he started drafting ideas of how the girl should look... In the end, he couldn't decide between his two favorite designs, so he decided to make two of them. After all, it Itachi could have 53 dates...
Kisame, devoid of artistic talent, sat with the other "non-artists" and bemoaned his single fate. Zetsu offered him a consoling pat-on-the-back with one of the enormous jaws of his man-eating plant. Kisame regretted not joining the Navy like his mother had suggested. Instead, he had spent his younger years hanging out with a guy who wore cow-print clothes and a possibly-male mime. His bad choices, stacking up like bricks in a wall, had doomed him to his present fate. He wondered if a woman like Michiru really existed... If so, chances are that she wouldn't have anything to do with him... but, oh, what a wife she would be... Kisame started when he realized that he was drooling. Tobi suddenly realized what to get Kisame for Christmas. Leaving the others behind, Tobi logged into Ebay and searched for "Sailor Neptune."
Part 5 "My Soul Cannot Move from that Place"
All night, the Akatsuki were all kept awake by strange noises coming from the kitchen. Pein and Konan were out on a mission, and the remaining members were a bit jumpy about the idea of an enemy attack when their leader was gone. Warily, they assembled outside of the kitchen. The only one missing from the group was Deidara- had whatever lurked in the kitchen, clanging around so loudly, already reached him? Itachi, the bravest of the group, was the first to open the door and peer in. He stared in silence for several seconds before addressing The Thing in the kitchen,
"Deidara- what on earth are you doing?" the Uchiha asked with noticeable irritation.
Deidara looked up from his place in front of the oven. He looked exhausted and was splattered with clay on several areas of his body. He brightened into a smile at someone taking notice of his work.
"I'm making a date, un. You see, I made a body for her- I placed the clay around some old bones I dug up to serve as a framework- and now, I'm baking it. In a few more seconds- AH! It's done! She's done! Ahahahaha!"
Deidara pulled open the oven and pulled out what he referred to as a "clay tray." Since the Akatsuki refused to build him a kiln, Deidara was forced to bake some of his creations on pizza trays in the group's oven, when it was not otherwise in use. The tray that Deidara pulled out this time had the rough form of a human being. When Deidara rapped on the outer shell with his hand, the outer layer of the sculpture shattered, revealing the true sculpture underneath. The others observed the form of a beautiful young woman with beautiful black hair. Then, to their shock, the young woman began to rise from the pizza tray. She raised a terrible shriek,
"INUYASHA!!!"
"...this seems kind of familiar..." Tobi said in an amused tone.
"INUYASHA!" the woman screamed, whirls of energy swirling visibly around her hands. She glanced around, as if looking for someone. Pausing with a look of bewilderment, she asked,
"Where is Inuyasha?"
"Umm... Inuyasha isn't here, un. I baked you because I needed a date for a dance tomorrow. Here's a party dress!" Deidara said, thrusting a red satin gown in her direction. "I sure am glad that you turned out so cute," he said, smiling.
"...So, you're not Inuyasha..." she said in a terrifying tone. "Well, you'll have to do..."
She grabbed a butcher knife from the bin above the stove and lept toward him. "When I died, fifty years ago, I died HATING YOU!" she shrieked, jabbing at him with the knife as he quickly dodged her attacks. "MY SOUL CANNOT MOVE FROM THAT POINT!!" the young woman screamed bitterly.
"...but... wait a minute, un. I'm not even 25 yet! I wasn't around fifty years ago! And I don't even know you, un!!" Deidara said, growing a bit scared. He wasn't used to fighting in such a confined space. Close-range fighting wasn't his thing. Especially close-range fighting against naked, psychotic, undead women made from clay and wielding butcher knives glowing with ki. Things weren't working out as he had hoped...
"You don't know me, you say? Well, then I'LL TELL YOU!! I am Kikyou, priestess of Edo! And I will never forget your deception, you half-dog traitor!" she hissed, closing in on Deidara with her butcher knife.
"Um... I didn't betray you, Kikyou-san!" Deidara yelled desperately. "I DIDN'T!! And my name is Deidara, not Inuyasha! Oh, I don't want to die, un... Oh, she's so cute. What a pity, un... KATSU!!"
At the sound of Deidara's trigger-phrase, "KATSU," the undead priestess exploded into thousands of clay potsherds. The butcher knife, hurled at great velocity by the explosion, smashed into the wall a few inches away from Tobi's skull. Tobi, upon realizing what had almost happened, fainted from terror, landing at Zetsu's feet.
"What a pity, un. She was pretty cool, actually... Hey, I should have kept her around. A woman with that sort of destructive capacity... sigh ...I think that she may have been my true love..." Deidara sighed, as the others tried to understand how his mind worked, or if he even had one.
"Oh, well... The pizza pan's out- so, who wants pizza?" Deidara asked, brightening at the thought of pizza. Kisame pulled clay fragments from his hair as they all began to make excuses about why they did not want to have pizza right then...
Part 5Chii?
Sasori sat back in his chair and admired his work with some satisfaction. These two were the most beautiful dolls he had ever made. One of them was in the form of a manga character he was (secretly) fond of. The girl had long, pale whitish-brown hair that trailed to her feet in two cascades behind her. Long locks of hair fell at the sides of her face, contrasting with her dark brown eyes. White, sheep-like robotic ears stood on the sides of her head. She wore a white, lacy Lolita-style dress with layer upon layer of silk, lace and ribbons. The girl cocked her head to one side.
"Chii?" she asked.
If only Sasori had created her with a better vocabulary... Never mind- he wold be taking the other one to the dance with him. He wasn't about to let any of the others see Chii. Sasori felt reasonably sure that Kisame and Zetsu wouldn't recognize her design, but Deidara and Tobi were both anime fans. They would be sure to recognize Chii as the character from Chobits, and the teasing would never cease.
Finally done with Chii's creation, the craftsman turned to his other puppet. He would have to create for her finery which surpassed that of Chii- after all, the second one was his favorite. While he would love to clothe her in scarlet, that would clash far too much with her pastel pink hair. He would have to settle for another color for her clothing... Perhaps turquoise- it would accentuate the beautiful color of her eyes, which he admired so much... It occurred to Sasori that if he were human, he would probably be blushing as he thought of her. (///////)
Part 6Rebirth Sasei
Deidara lifted his bangs out of his face to take a closer look. Yes, she was done- and this time, his creation wouldn't go psycho and try to kill him. He glanced out the window. Judging from the position of the sun, it was almost time for the dance- he had completed his work with only minutes to spare. He paused to admire her form- yes, this was his magnum opus: his great work. It was perfectly sculpted. As his work rose up, Deidara had an alarming thought. He had spent so much time on sculpting her that he hadn't made any clothes for her! Despite what internet fandom might say, the shinobi didn't possess any women's clothes, either- and there was no time to go shopping- nor would Deidara have any clue about how to shop for women's clothing, anyway. He almost gave into despair before a wonderful thought came to his mind- Sasori! Sasori always had plenty of clothes around for his puppets, most of which bore human form. Finding clothes for Kikyou Version 2.0 would be as easy as staging a quick raid on Sasori's puppet room. Deidara smiled. Things were going to work out, after all.
Kikyou stood and blankly stared at Deidara. He had tried to restrain some of her undead hatred this time, but it seemed to make her a tad listless. He would, perhaps, release a bit of her emotional nature later on and hope that she didn't kill him. Devoid of personality or not, Kikyou would be coming with him to the ball. Before leaving to raid Sasori's room, Deidara tossed Kikyou 2.0 a haori to cover up with. Somehow, even though he was her sculptor, it was still strangely embarrassing for her to be without clothing.
Walking toward Sasori's puppet room sneakily, Deidara noticed that Kikyou 2.0 was following him, now clad in the blue haori he had tossed to her. She was actually quite pretty, Deidara thought. Perhaps he would keep her around as a studio helper or something. Since she turned out so well, it would be a pity to cast her aside after the dance. Also, if he could find a way to harness her psychotic hatred, then she would be an excellent bodyguard for him. Kikyou trailed behind him until he reached Sasori's room- then, as if sensing danger, she left as he turned the doorknob.
No sooner had she left than Deidara found himself instinctively dodging hundreds of poison-tipped senbon which were launched by the trap behind the door. After the barrage of senbon was completed, a scroll unfolded, which read,
"Deidara, stay out of my room and don't borrow my things, or else you'll die a pointless death.
-Sincerely, Sasori-chan"
Being blond, Deidara naturally ignored the sign and charged into the room, willing to face his doom in order to avoid his magnum opus having to be a nudist. Deidara, after dodging traps which would have given Indiana Jones pause, found where Sasori kept his puppets' clothes. He was surprised that so many of the clothes were lacy, feminine dresses. He was relieved to note that said dresses were all too small for Sasori himself to wear. Another fear laid to rest, Deidara thought. Spotting a pretty turquoise gown in the front of the closet, Deidara grabbed it and the matching shoes nearby and quickly made his escape.
Kikyou looked surprisingly elegant and contemporary when wearing the turquoise dress. Deidara busied himself with brushing her hair and looked over her once- she looked fine. Then, he realized another terrible truth. He didn't own a single formal outfit. All of his outfits were cheap ones which could be quickly replaced in case of an accident in the studio. He didn't even own a buttoned shirt, much less a tuxedo. Then, he recalled that he had seen Itachi wear something like that once to a party run by a weapons trafficker. He assumed that Itachi and he were close enough to the same size... Obviously, it was time to go "foraging" again- this time in the most dangerous location in the entire building: Itachi's bedroom.
Part 7Into the Weasel Den
Deidara was relieved to find that Itachi was out on a mission- or, perhaps, out wasting time... Or out trying to pick up cheap women. He didn't know which, and he didn't care. All that mattered was getting into Itachi's bedroom and stealing a tuxedo. He only had a few more minutes, even if he ran. The rock ninja stealthily crept into the room. His tension was high and his nerves were a wreck. If Itachi ever found out about this... He quickly pushed the thought out of his mind and quickened his pace towards the closet. He took a sharp turn left toward where he thought the closet would be, and ran straight into a body! He gasped in shock and fell to the ground, but recovered himself and got up in a few seconds. He was relieved to note that the "body" was still alive, and rejoiced that it wasn't Itachi...
"Deidara, what are you doing in Itachi's room?" Sasori said, dusting himself off. Deidara was about to answer when he noticed that Sasori had a tuxedo draped over his folded left arm. His danna had the same thought! Knowing that there might be punishments for failing to attend the dance or for showing up without formal clothes, the two ninja locked eyes coldly. This would be a fight to the death. A fight for Itachi's tuxedo.
Sasori struck first. There was no time and even less space to summon another puppet, so Sasori dashed toward Deidara, baring the blade concealed in his arm and brandishing it like a pirate might a scimitar. Fear gave Deidara wings as he fled out of Itachi's room into the hall, tossing bombs behind him, which Sasori managed to dodge. If there was anything that Deidara was truly afraid of, except for clowns, it was a fight at close range in a confined space. Such a battle put him at a tremendous disadvantage. In the slightly roomier hallway, he slowed his pace enough to toss a rain of kunai at his master. Sasori was struck by several, which implanted themselves into his wooden body, but he hardly slackened his pace at all.
Then, someone approached them from another hall. Both ninja sensed it, and braced themselves in horror that it might be Itachi. Then, the figure turned the corner and faced them. It was Kikyou- Kikyou, wearing a turquoise formal dress. Sasori dropped his hands to his sides and gaped.
"THAT... THAT IS SAKURA-CHAN'S DRESS!!" he screamed! "SHE was going to wear that!" The puppet master was so enraged that he didn't notice that he had dropped the tuxedo. Like a baseball player sliding into a base, in one fluid motion Deidara lept toward him, grabbed the tuxedo from its place at Sasori's feet and slid up into a run without stopping. He lunged toward Kikyou, tossed her over his shoulder and ran to his room, hurling tons of bombs after himself to slow Sasori's pace. In the distance, he heard Sasori using some very colorful words to describe his partner...
Sasori, deprived of both ball gown and tuxedo, and with only minutes to spare before the dance started, did the logical thing. He summoned his army of 100 puppets and went on a rampage, accompanied by his two second-in-command: the Chii and Sakura puppets.
Part 8The Dance Begins
After hurriedly tossing on the tuxedo and asking Kikyou to run after him, Deidara ran into the Akatsuki's gymnasium. This place, which was normally reserved for training, had been cleared out and ornately decorated. The exercise equipment had been removed, clearing a large place in the center of the room for the dance to take place. Tables with punch, fingercakes and other finery which most of the men had never even seen before stood lined up against the wall. Kisame was there, Deidara noted. The tall, blue-skinned ninja looked every bit as ridiculous in a tuxedo as one would imagine. Deidara was tempted to laugh, but managed to hold back. He didn't see any women near to Kisame- apparently the shark-man hadn't managed to find a date. Itachi, meanwhile, was in the center of what appeared to be about 50 women engaging in a cat fight. He was far too preoccupied trying to escape from the battle to notice that Deidara was wearing his stolen suit... From the snippets of conversation which Deidara managed to overhear, he realized it was a fight over who got to dance with Itachi. He grimaced at Itachi's popularity before heading over to where Zetsu stood, next to one of the potted trees which were part of the decor.
"Do you know where the boss is, un?" Deidara asked, with Kikyou-the-clay-doll-woman hanging onto his shoulder.
"I don't know. I think that this ball may be very important for some reason. We both need to keep alert."
"SENPAI!" a far-too-loud voice exclaimed. "GUESS WHAT I FOUND THIS WEIRD PUNCH IN A BOTTLE OVER HERE AND I DRANK IT AND NOW MY HEAD IS FLYING INTO PAINFULNESS AND DIZZINESS!"
"...who let Tobi get into the wine?" Deidara asked Zetsu.
"It wasn't me," Zetsu said. "And I have some serious doubts about whether he's even old enough to be drinking it..."
"LOOK SENPAI IMA AIRPLANE!!" Tobi said, leaping into the air and crashing into the floor face-first.
"...this must never happen again. It's far too scary," Zetsu mumbled. "No more alcohol for you, Tobi! ...what?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Tobi had lifted his mask and was leaning over the potted palm tree that Zetsu had been standing next to, expelling the wine he had inadvertently drunken, along with the rest of his stomach contents, into the pot.
"...Hanako!!" Zetsu screamed. "NOOO!!!"
Before Zetsu could become too concerned about his new, palm-tree friend, Tobi fell backwards in a heap, totally unconscious. Despite their general lack of concern about him, someone eventually called an ambulance to pick up Tobi. The doctors barely managed to save him, although he suffered substantial brain damage. This didn't affect his behavior, however, for unknown reasons.
As the sound of the sirens faded, the doors at the end of the gym opened. In proceeded Pein and Konan, both dressed in Western finery- and looking very serious, as always. The room grew quiet as the others waited for Pein to explain why they had been required to attend a ball. Deidara even quit flirting with Kikyou long enough to listen, although he pulled her into a tight embrace. He really had little to worry about with Kikyou, though. He and Inuyasha were the only ones who would think that a clay-woman was even remotely attractive.
"I'm sure that all of you are wondering why we are having such a formal celebration tonight," Pein began with great pomp. "I have summoned all of you here for a very important moment, a night of great rejoicing- and I especially summoned you, Konan," he said, glancing at the woman next to him. "I only have one more night here before our next mission begins, so I decided to fold the celebration and the question all into one..."
To the utter shock of everyone present, Pein fell on his knee before Konan and pulled a ring out of his pocket. Konan blankly stared at her leader for a few seconds, as if unable to comprehend what was taking place.
"Konan," Pein said with far more sentiment than anyone thought him capable of, "I want you to marry me. We can rule the world together, as king and queen! What do you say?"
Konan stood there in silence for a while, looking at the ring he held in front of her. Pein looked very pleased and almost arrogant. It was obvious that he had absolutely no doubt that his partner would say yes.
After a few minutes, which grew more and more uneasy for everyone, Konan replied with one word.
"No."
Everyone gasped. The others stared at Pein and Konan in unbelief. Their leader had honored her with such a request, and she had said no! Surely she would be punished...
Pein was frozen in shock for several moments before he recovered himself enough to ask, "Why not?"
"...well," Konan said, "It's difficult to say this, but... You have perpetually bad breath."
Pein was still trying to process this bit of information when they heard it. They all heard it- the march of hundreds of feet toward to gymnasium. They were surrounded. Suddenly, the wall at the east end of the gym caved in. An army marched in, surrounded by the dust of the wall's collapse. As the dust settled, the Akatsuki realized that the army was composed of puppets- puppets led by three figures, one of whom was Sasori, who was clad only in boxer shorts. Beholding the threatening spectacle, Deidara made a comment that only a blond would make in such a situation:
"Hey! Isn't that Chobits Chii?! Wow! I didn't know that this was a cosplay ball! I could have come is a Bleach shinigami! I so have to dig those black hakama out of my closet next time!" D
Hidan paused long enough to inform Deidara of just how stupid the monk considered him, using some very descriptive epithets, before running for his life.
"Why did Hidan-chan run, un?" Deidara asked Kisame, who was unsheathing Samehada and preparing to defend himself. "I thought that he was immortal."
"What Hidan has is level-4 immortality, like what Charon possessed. Sasori is a poison user! If Hidan got poisoned by him, then his suffering would never cease!"
Deidara paused for a moment before asking Kisame who Charon was, only to be utterly ignored as Kisame sprinted toward the army of puppets, thrashing Samehada into the fray and destroying several of them with one swing. Sasori, accompanied by Sakura and Chii, quickly backed away, pulling some of his less-favorite puppets in front of himself to function as both an offense and a defensive shield. Itachi, surrounded by cowering fangirls, continued to calmly sip punch. His loyal partner, Kisame, was risking his life to protect them from an insane puppet master. This didn't affect him at all, he thought, reaching for an egg-salad sandwich.
"I'll teach you to steal my beloved Sakura's new party dress!" Sasori screamed venomously, charging at Deidara. "I'll take it back from you by force!!"
Deidara realized that he was no match for an army of poisonous puppets, led by someone as mad as Sasori. Thinking quickly, he undid the seal on Kikyou and ran behind her. A wave of magenta energy billowed around the priestess as she glared at Sasori.
"INUYASHA! I died hating you! I live only for revenge!" she screamed in cold rage. "INUYASHAAAAAAA!"
Sasori paused and lept back an incredible distance, pulling Chii and Sakura back with him. He had seldom, if ever, seen such hatred before. He was briefly alarmed, then grew calm.
"I'm not Inuyasha!" he yelled at her. "Inuyasha is behind you! He has long, light-colored hair, remember? Take a look at him! He's the one who betrayed you, not me!"
Kikyou glanced behind her, making eye contact with Deidara. He realized the danger he was in and lept into the air moments before the shockwave of reiki blasted the area he had been standing in to splinters. This was not what he had planned, he thought, as he summoned a clay bird and shot up on its back in midair. He would have to blast a hole in the ceiling and fly off though it- there was no other way for him to escape.
Suddenly, a shaft of light zoomed past him. He glanced down at the origin of the attack, which he had narrowly dodged. Kikyou had rigged a bow and arrow out of Samehada's bandages and the remains of the doomed plant Tobi had gotten sick on. She sent another ki-charged arrow at him, blasting off part of his clay bird's wing. He spiraled downward, landing on a refreshment table, which crumbled beneath the weight of him and his sculpture. She ran toward him, her hands glowing with energy.
"INUYASHAAAAAA!" she screamed angrily. "I cannot forgive you!!!"
Epilogue Emotions Greater than Death, or, "You did what without me?"
"WOW!! Did that really happen?!" Tobi asked, his eyes widening behind his mask. He leaned forward in the hospital bed as Zetsu concluded his story of the ball.
"...and after the gymnasium exploded, Sasori was forced to help Deidara clean it up- but they're fighting so much that they're still working on it, weeks later."
"So what happened to Deidara-senpai's and Sasori-san's girlfriends?" Tobi asked innocently.
"Kikyou -Deidara's clay girl, that is- opened a portal to a dark dimension and tried to suck Deidara into it, but she only got his left arm..."
"Oh! It's always his arms, isn't it?" Tobi commented.
"Yes, well, Deidara does seem to have bad luck with those..." Zetsu mumbled. "Anyway, she was sucked into the void and we haven't seen her since, but that doesn't mean that we've seen the last of her. Those undead miko are hard to get rid of..."
"And what happened to Sasori-san's dates?" Tobi asked, playing with his IV tube nonchalantly. "Did they get sucked into a dark, inter-dimensional void too?"
"No... things like that only seem to happen when Deidara is around. He seems to summon dimensional rifts and arm accidents upon himself. It must be something he's doing, to give him such bad fortune. Chii was confiscated by a mad scientist who thinks that Chii is her daughter, but Sasori was kind of okay with it, since he still had Sakura. But then, the real Sakura came over to visit and freaked out over the Sakura-puppet in Sasori's room. She shattered it into pieces with her mighty fist and threatened to never play with Sasori again. He had to buy her some flowers to make up for it, and then... take her shopping. At the mall."
"..at the mall? Wow. Sasori-san must really like her if he's willing to suffer through that..." Tobi mused.
"I think that he's in love with her. He always gets so happy when she comes over, but all she ever wants to talk about is information on Orochimaru. I think that she may be using him." Zetsu noted.
"I... I can't believe that I missed all of that!" Tobi cried. "I wanted to see the army of homicidal puppets!"
"It can't be helped... You didn't even know that what you were drinking was wine- you thought that it was sparkling grape juice. You really are a good boy... I can even forgive you for hurting Hanako, since you didn't mean to."
"Oh! How is Hanako doing?" Tobi asked worriedly.
"She required a graft and some fertilizer, but she's doing quite well now. We're getting along great- I think that there may be a future for the two of us..." Zetsu said, the white half of his face noticeably blushing.
"Be sure to invite me to the wedding, Zetsu-san!" Tobi said cheerfully.
"...I will. If I ever get married." Zetsu replied.
"...Is Senpai taking it hard- losing Kikyou, I mean?" Tobi asked softly. "He seemed to really like her..."
"He seemed pretty upset..." Zetsu muttered, "but I don't think that he'll ever be stupid enough to try something like that again. Making a clay-person to keep himself company? How pathetic is that? Even an idiot like him can learn a lesson from something like this. We don't have to worry about this ever happening again, at least..."
"Well, that's good to know." Tobi said in a relieved tone. "I'm feeling much better, Zetsu-san. I think that I'll be able to leave the hospital in a few days. We can go see Hanako then, and I can apologize to her."
"That's a good idea," Zetsu said kindly.
Deidara pulled the pizza pan out of the oven, smiling eagerly. "This one is the best one yet, un. I've been needing an assistant... Much better for it to be a cute girl than that idiot Tobi, un."
--------------------
Notes:
The idea for Zetsu's plant-girlfriend to be named "Hanako" is from FireFly's Fanfic "One of the Cool Kids" is from Inuyasha, the popular feudal-horror manga by Takahashi Rumiko.
Chii is from the ecchi CLAMP series Chobits, which is one of the greatest wastes of CLAMP's often-misused talents yet (although the artwork is great, and I personally like Chii.)
I haven't quite decided about Deidara's "assistant," but I have an idea.
