Chapter 3- Fears are Safe
"When I get the feeling that my prayers have hit the ceiling. And those dark days when my faith has lost all meaning. You keep me believing. My fears are safe here, held in your hands. When I'm broken, you put me back together again. All I once was, all I could be. When I've forgotten, you remind me."
~Believin', Charles Esten, Lennon & Maisy Stella
Steve could slowly feel himself being pulled from his sweet slumber. Turning his head and letting his eyes adjust to the room's light, a smiled pulled at his lips. Bethany was stilled curled up next to him. Some point during the night, she had attempted to pull her hair in a bun at the top of her head, but her newly cut shoulder length hair didn't allow such things and the shorter pieces were hanging all around her face and neck.
"Morning," he whispered, watching her as she typed away on her phone.
Bethany moved to look at him, the sweetest of smiles on her face. "Good morning handsome. Sleep well?"
"Very," Steve answered, frowning as he noticed a light trace of black bags under her eyes. "Did you not?"
"Just some stuff with the team," Bethany explained, gesturing to her phone. "They kept me updated throughout the night. Everything is settled now though."
"Am I privy to knowing what happened?" Steve asked, already knowing the answer; no.
Instead, Bethany was silent, her forehead in a light frown. "Probably not," she admitted finally. "But I think you should know. I don't care if I get in trouble."
"That's unlike you," Steve said, his hand moving to rest on her upper leg.
"Let's just say I got some perspective last night," Bethany answered. "There was this guy who saved a woman from an exploding building and it got caught on camera. Here's the thing, he possessed super human abilities. So naturally, we were sent as a welcome wagon."
"And?" Steve asked, his brow wrinkled as he listened intently.
"And we found this girl hacker. Skye," Bethany continued. "She knew the guy, Mike Peterson. When I left they didn't have him in custody or anything, but from the scene of the explosion, they found chemical compounds which Mike was exposed to. The lab report caught traces of a similar one to Dr. Erskine's, gamma radiation and Extremis."
Running a hand through his hair and letting out a heavy huff of air, he tried to mull everything over. "Wow."
"Yeah," Bethany agreed. "Turns out the building originally exploded since a man exposed to it was chemically unbalanced."
"What happened to the other guy? Mike?"
"I just got a message from the bio-chemist. They were able to stabilize him and SHIELD has him in custody now. I mean, the idea is great. You know? He was injured and this made him well again. Just like Extremis. But this new company, this Centipede... They're still out there. And they weren't even on SHIELD's radar until Skye brought it up."
"And this directly involves you since it involves super soldiers," Steve summarized.
Bethany nodded, leaning her head up against his shoulder. "This could go on for months."
"I know," Steve said leaning to kiss her forehead.
"I don't want it to take months."
"I know," he repeated. "But I also know you'll never abandon something like this. Something where you are the resident expert."
"Barely," Bethany muttered, crossing her arms. "I couldn't duplicate Erskine's. I can't undo mine."
"You helped Tony stable Extremis," Steve reminded her. "You've been a part of the effort since the beginning. You were there when Banner was-"
"Don't remind me," Bethany interrupted. "Okay, I feel like that's my fault almost always."
"He doesn't. And I think he's growing okay with it. Yeah, it's a horrible thing to live with, but now he has friends who understand and don't define him by it. We all care baggage. He has purpose and is living in the real world. Maybe a little secluded but has he left the Tower since the wedding?"
"Not that I know of," Bethany answered before getting out of the bed. "Let's check your stitches."
Steve didn't fight her as she pulled the blankets down to his waist and then pulled the strings to his hospital gown, exposing his upper body. Instead of looking down to the healing skin, he watched Bethany's facial features. The slight cocking of her head, licking her lips and then biting them in concentration. Her forehead wrinkling together and then becoming a perfect smooth surface when her expression relaxed. The little freckles that delicately decorated her nose, barely noticeable unless you were looking for them.
"How's it feel?" She asked, touching the pink skin around the stitches.
"Tender," Steve admitted, knowing he couldn't lie to her. One, it made him feel guilty and two, he was just a really lousy liar.
"Could use another day or two of healing," Bethany muttered, more to herself than to him. "They wanted to check up on you earlier, but I didn't want them to wake you. I don't think I've ever seen you that exhausted before."
"I feel good now," Steve nodded, pulling his hospital gown back on. "A little hungry."
Bethany gave him one of those smiles dedicated only to him, a smile that grew slowly, until it filled her entire face, green eyes twinkling. "Now I know that you're feeling better. You want me to get you something from the caf?"
Steve made a face, shaking his head. During Bethany's brief time in the hospital after the attack on Tony's Malibu Dream House, he had more than one nurse bring him cafeteria food while he waited for Bethany to wake up. He was confident the food was worse than the food they served during the army. Although, when Bethany woke up and Steve all but force fed her, she claimed the mac and cheese wasn't all that bad. He wasn't sure if it because she was suffering from hypothermia or the fact that when it came to cheese, Bethany didn't think it could possibly ever be bad. Nonetheless, he refused to try it. "When they release me, can we go out?"
"You want to go out… In public…to eat? After being released from the hospital from a gunshot wound?" Bethany clarified, hands on her hips, that same smile on her face.
"I'm in the mood for spaghetti and ribs," Steve said with a shrug, making Bethany chuckle.
"Golden Corral it is," Bethany responded through her laughter.
Bethany watched as Steve struggled slightly to get out of his chair, wincing at the pull on his stomach before wandering off to get yet another plate of food. At this point, Bethany was so far past full, she was slouching in her chair and even popped the button to her jeans. A little food baby had developed, pushing against her small frame in a way that hurt her chest.
She smiled politely as a waiter, who could barely speak two words of English, came by and took away four empty plates, all of which were Steve's. The boy had tried something from every single station, taking advantage of the all-you-can-eat buffet. Looking back to the rows of food, she could see Steve piling his plate with leafy greens and cherry tomatoes, opting for a salad instead of the steak he originally wanted.
Must be filling up, Bethany thought with an amused chuckle to herself. Typically, she would make enough food for Steve to have seconds, sometimes thirds, but she knew it never filled him. Steve never complained though, always grabbing an apple or making a sandwich. In all actuality, he ate what a man his size would eat on a normal day and just be satisfied. But given the chance, he would fill up to the brim and then complain for an hour about stomach cramps.
Her phone started buzzing against the table, the couple beside her giving her a nasty glare. Fighting the urge to mock them, Bethany picked up the phone, recognizing it to be Coulson's number. "Hey."
"Where are you?" Coulson asked, not in a demanding way, just out of curiosity.
"Currently sitting in a corner watching my husband pile more vegetables onto a plate than there was ever meant to be," Bethany answered, following Steve's every move. "Golden Corral to be more precise. Why?"
"We're heading out on another mission," Coulson explained. "An 0-8-4. Time sensitive."
"Aw, I'm missing all the fun," Bethany moped, knowing that the last 0-8-4 she was assigned to was Thor's Hammer. "But I guess for good reason."
"You 'guess'?"
"Okay. It's a good reason. But it's an 0-8-4," Bethany continued. "It's a big deal."
"Listen, we need to have a talk when you come back," Coulson said and Bethany could vaguely hear Fitz-Simmons in the back, arguing science again.
"Am I fired?" Bethany teased, but after a moment of silence, got serious. "You're not firing me, are you?"
"No," Coulson finally answered. "But you're the only one on this team that has a life outside of SHIELD. Someone to go home to. We can all travel around on this bus for week's end. You can't do that. You should be with Steve and more importantly you want to. I think you're having a really hard time trying to say goodbye to SHIELD and that's what's causing the fights between you and Steve. And instead of remedying that, you're getting in even deeper."
Bethany sunk even lower in her chair, sulking slightly at the truth of Coulson's words. Steve slipped into the chair opposite of her and began eating his salad while Bethany searched for the right words. "Maybe you're right. Okay, that is a factor. But you said it yourself. You couldn't stay away, so what makes you think I could?"
Steve's fork stopped half way to his mouth, brow creasing. "You shouldn't be telling this to me."
"I gotta go," Bethany offered. "Call me if you want my company."
"Bethany-"
"Look, it's fine okay? And like I said, you're right. Let me think it over," With that, she hung up. She didn't have time to feel slightly remorseful as she was too exhausted and overwhelmed.
"What was that about?" Steve asked softly, carefully treading through rocky seas.
"You want me to leave SHIELD," Bethany started, "And I said I would. I said that when we had kids I would step away. But what you're failing to see Steve, is the fact that I've spent 70 years at SHIELD, raising it and making it to what it is now. SHIELD is my baby. And I can't just walk away."
Steve put down his fork and took Bethany's hand. "Beth, I thought you wanted that."
"I-I do," Bethany admitted softly. "Steve, I never wanted to get married or have kids. All those years… I don't know. I do know I love you. And do I want to transfer that love into a baby? Hell, yeah. And I know that I'm stuck in time and you aren't it's just… It's just hard."
The last word caught, her eyes welling with tears. "I'm sorry," Steve said truthfully. "This is something we're supposed to decide together. Do together. And I've been putting a lot of pressure on you. I know how much SHIELD means to you and that even just stepping away a little bit is hard. But Beth- going in deeper isn't going to help."
"I know," Bethany said with a sigh, wiping under her eyes. "And now with Centipede… Fury's going to insist-"
"I know he's the Director of SHIELD but he's not the boss of you," Steve interrupted. "Beth, what you need right now is to not let anyone influence you. Okay? Not me, not Fury, not this Centipede group. Doll face, you know that I'll be here for you no matter what you want. And if that even meant not having kids, I'd grow to be okay with that."
"I don't know what I want," Bethany answered. "Long term or short. Or at least, not when I want to do the things I want to do."
Steve nodded understandingly. "Okay, well how about I finish this," He said gesturing to the Mount Everest of salads, making Bethany laugh through her tearful eyes. "And then we go home. We take it one step at a time. Okay?"
"Thank you," Bethany expressed, leaning forward to cup her hands on his face, pulling him in for a passionate kiss. "I love you."
"I love you too," Steve whispered against her lips, not caring that they were in public. And definitely not caring that the words were on a daily repetitive note. He would never get tired of saying them and never get tired of hearing them.
Bethany's first decision when they got home was napping. Steve had chuckled, but like a father to a child, he led her to bed, tucked her in and kissed her forehead. She suggested he join her, but after his nine plate lunch, he was afraid of falling into a food coma. Instead, he went to the living room and pulled up his laptop. Signing into his SHIELD account, he typed the word TAHITI into the search bar. Like he figured, it came up as restricted. He knew he had mission reports to file, but he wasn't in the mood and always got them done quicker when Bethany was helping.
His fingers tapped against the keyboard in thought before logging off and opening the internet. When the search bar popped up, he began to looking up houses in the area. New houses, old houses. One stories, two. Houses with big backyards, with big front yards. Some near schools, another near a hospital. Three near the Triskelion. He honestly wasn't sure what they were looking for. All he really wanted was something with a reasonable price tag, although he was sure Bethany had a list of requirements.
Deciding that the battle was impossible unless he had Bethany by his side, he closed the laptop and stood up, feeling the slight pull of his stitches. Tugging up the hem of his shirt, he moved to the closest mirror and surveyed the skin. In his opinion, it looked fine. The stitches could come out and all that would be left if a thin pink scar that would heal in a couple days' time.
Steve looked around the apartment, finding it in almost perfect order. The kitchen table was covered in some of Bethany's papers, all medical and in regards to her cells. Just looking at them gave him a headache. Deciding to leave them alone, knowing for sure Bethany wouldn't appreciate him cleaning them up, he moved to the fridge and plucked the grocery list off of it. For the most part, Bethany did the dishes. And the laundry. And the cooking. It's not that he didn't want to help, she just did them before he could.
Even though he was supposed to take it easy and rest, he felt well enough to go out and get the essentials. Bananas, spaghetti, cheerios, mozzarella cheese, milk, avocados. The list went on a little more, Steve spending a little more time reading two items in the middle; tampons and condoms.
He really wanted diapers and pacifiers to be in their stead. He wanted a kid for a lot of different reasons. One, it was the ultimate way to show the world their love. Two, he wanted to experience everything he could with Bethany. Three, they looked so cute in their strollers, their little legs kicking around. Four, he wanted to teach a kid everything about the world. And five, but definitely not the last reason, Bethany was always ten time more happy when Theo was around and he wanted that every day.
Pocketing the grocery list, he pulled out a pad of paper and wrote a brief note to Bethany in case she woke up while he was gone. Only after he signed it and snuck it onto his pillow did he realize he could've just texted her, as she basically always checked her phone the second she woke up. He never remembered to do that, always leaving notes. Bethany never said anything against it though, so he figured she liked the old fashioned gesture. A small meow at his feet brought his attention to Molly, purring against his leg. Leaning down, he pulled the ball of fluff to his chest, softly rubbing his head against hers.
Placing the cat next to Bethany, Molly immediately curled into a ball and Bethany, feeling her warmth, snuggling into her and a soft smile pulled at her lips a little. Feeling confident that she was finally getting the rest she needed, Steve left quietly. Getting to the parking lot, Steve looked at his bike, the Ford Model T and Bethany's Acura. Usually, he drove his bike everywhere, but considering he was getting groceries and the fact that Bethany would kill him if he even thought about going on the bike after his hospital release, he turned his attention to the Model T, Tony's wedding present to them. It was impractical to drive places, and he didn't want to seem like he couldn't let go of the past. Nonetheless, it was a nice piece of his past that he didn't want to just give away. Again, Bethany would kill him if he did get rid of the car, since it was a gift from Tony. It generally just sat there and occasionally a neighbour would take it for a spin.
Pulling out the keys from his pocket, he found the one that belonged to the Acura and unlocked it. Getting into the passenger's seat, he had to push the chair as far back as it could go, it's last setting catering to his wife who he often thought of as 'fun sized', she was so petite. Starting up the engine, Steve adjusted the mirrors, changed the radio station and was on his way. Her perfume lingered throughout the car, a scent that filled Steve with warmth. A tube of lipstick rolled around in the door compartment. There was a bag of chips on the passenger's seat. The car seemed to scream Bethany.
Turning the corner, Steve absentmindedly changed the radio channel again, looking for a song he could cope with. All the loud, upbeat music of the day scared him slightly, and he definitely wasn't a fan of rap. Typically, he could deal with country, but none of the pop country that was so popular. Sighing, he pressed the CD button in hope of something good. To his luck, it was a Frank Sinatra album and Steve visibly relaxed.
He stopped at a stop sign, checking each and every way before he started forward again, only for a little boy to run out in front of the car. Steve immediately hit the brakes before the car crashed into the little boy, setting the car to park and getting out of it within seconds to make sure he was okay. He quickly picked the child up, searching his body for any cuts, scrapes or bruises and thanking his lucky stars that he seemed to just be shocked not hurt.
"You okay?" He asked, hearing a woman's voice call 'Ryan'. Looking up, he saw a mother trying to pull a giant dog forward to get to her son. Since no cars were on the deserted street, a rarity, Steve brought the boy to his mother.
"Oh thank god," She cried, still trying to pull the dog. "Ryan don't do that."
Steve put the boy down next to his mother, leaning down to talk to him. "Ryan? You can't just cross the street whenever you feel like it. You need to look both ways before crossing the street and always have permission from a grown up. Understood?"
Ryan nodded solemnly, clinging to his mother. "Thank you so much," she cried. "He just slipped away and, oh just thank you."
"It's alright ma'am," Steve assured with a small smile. "No harm, no foul."
With that he took a couple steps backward, giving a small wave to Ryan before jogging back to the car and getting inside. Taking a few seconds to breath, Steve realized his heart had been pounding. That he was thisclose to hitting that little boy, Ryan, with his car. The thought sent shivers up his spine. Starting the car up again, he looked each way twice before slowly starting up the car and finishing the ride to the grocery store, now thinking about if that had been his kid. If Bethany was out with their son and he disappeared for a second, only for something bad to happen.
And maybe it wouldn't be a car. Maybe someone who had it out for him. Or Bethany. They had no shortage of enemies, and they're weakness would be clearly exposed. The media didn't leave them alone; there was always little photos and blurbs of them in magazines or stories of them online. At the grocery stores, walking in the park. Steve stopped going to the local gym since too many people took pictures. They're life wasn't private, and as soon as news of Bethany being pregnant got out, neither would that. People looking to get even could easily make their move. They could defend themselves, but a baby?
Steve parked the car and took the keys out of the ignition. There was so many factors to the equation that weren't there before. That weren't there that very first night he had with Bethany, discovering her soft skin and imagining their future together. At a time where, even with a war raging on, everything was simpler. He ran a frustrated hand through his blond hair, hating that something as beautiful as bringing a child into the world was more complicated than he ever thought possible.
Pulling the shopping list out of his pocket, he looked over it again, re-reading tampons and condoms. "She's right," he whispered. "She's so right that if I tell her, she'll never let me forget it."
Getting out of the car and locking it, he couldn't help but hate the situation he was in, because no matter how right Bethany was about them not being ready and knowing that their child could very well be in danger, he desperately wanted a baby with Bethany.
A cold sweat overcame her, her body jolting awake, holding back a sob. Bethany could barely breathe, her breath escaping her altogether while trying to calm down. Sitting upright, a couple tears fell down her face before she could stop them. "Steve?" She called, clutching her heart. "Steve?!"
Her need to see him, to know he was safe, was overwhelming. It had been so long since she had that dream, of Loki controlling her, of him whispering in her ear to kill Steve and her following without a second's hesitation. It was so long ago that she almost forgot about that chapter in her life. "Steve!" She sobbed again.
"What?" Steve said, running into the room with worry on his face, immediately rushing to hold her in his arms. "Doll, what's wrong?"
"I just-" She started, gasping in between sobs. "I just needed t-to know that you-you're okay."
"Yeah," Steve said, rubbing her back with one hand, cradling the back of her head with the other. "I'm here. Was it the dream again?"
Bethany nodded as she buried her head into Steve's body, trying to melt into it. "I'm sorry-"
"Hey, no apologises," Steve instructed. "This isn't your fault. You had me worried though. I was coming up the stairs when I heard you. I went out to do some groceries," he explained, taking the note off his pillow and showing it to her.
"You were supposed to be resting," She said, drying her tears and pulling away slightly to look at his face. "Not getting food-"
"I was just trying to help you out," Steve filled in with a small smile.
"You just came back from the hospital," Bethany reminded him.
"I took your car?" Steve tried, that same smile on his face making Bethany chuckle a little.
"Well thank you," Bethany said truthfully. "I do appreciate it." She leaned in and they shared a sweet kiss, Bethany's hands trailing down Steve's body lightly. With him just being there, his presence taking over the room as it always did, she instantly felt better. Knowing that he was up walking and apparently well enough to do the groceries, she was reassured that her dream was just a dream and Loki was fall away, locked up and serving for his crimes. "Can I check your stitches?"
"Sure," Steve answered, pulling off his shirt as Bethany turned on the bed side table light. He moved in closer, noticing that while Bethany's fingers were cold against his torso, as she touched the skin, it wasn't painful.
"Looks good," Bethany said with a smile. "I can take the stitches out if you'd like."
"I'd love," Steve corrected, the black thread irritating him.
Bethany chuckled before getting out of the bed and patting the empty spot for Steve to lie down before she went to the bathroom to get the hair scissors. Pulling them out of the mirror cupboard, she almost gasped at her reflection. Her wavy blond hair looked greasy and simultaneously matted to her forehead and neck and sticking up. Her skin was a pale shade with rosy tints to her cheeks that didn't resemble Snow White, only a sickly child's. Shaking her head, knowing that her nightmares overtook her completely, she returned to her husband who was laying on the bed, his arms folding behind her head.
Bethany studied him with a smug smile, looking at the bulges of muscle, each a beautiful golden tanned shade. While she didn't love him for his body alone, she couldn't help but marvel every time she saw him. And even after all their time together, she still got weak in the knees seeing him half-naked let alone, completely. Her desire to ravish him was almost undying. Waltzing over to him, she sat at the edge of the bed and proceeded to remove the stitches, admiring the toned divides of his abs.
"What?" Bethany asked, feeling Steve's intent gaze on her. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because you're beautiful," Steve told her, taking the scissors from Bethany's hand and putting it on the bed side table when she finished.
"Ha," Bethany let out with a roll of her eyes before kissing the slight scar once and then moving to straddle his body. "I look like a mess."
"The only time you're a mess is when you're covered in blood after throwing yourself off an eleven story building."
"Quick getaway," Bethany reminded as Steve put his hands on her hips. "And I look gross. I need a shower."
"Can it wait?" Steve asked, his thumb moving to dip underneath her shirt. "We can conserve water if we go in together. Save the planet?"
Bethany shook her head, amused but leaned down to kiss him. "Of course," she told him. "I need you to stay with me for a little longer. Until I get the nightmare out of my head."
"Sure," Steve agreed, kissing her again. "I'm not going anywhere, Beth. And if you need to talk about it-"
"I need you," She interrupted, moving to kiss him again. "Only you."
"Sex can't solve everything," Steve reminded, ignoring the slight grind her body was placing against his, yet it was so light he knew it wasn't on purpose, just Bethany trying to find a comfortable place.
"It can solve most of everything," Bethany responded with a smirk. "But that's not it. I'm not using you for sex."
"I'm your husband. I think it's in my job description to be okay with that."
"I just-" she tried, moving to rest her head against his chest. "I feel safe with you around. I feel safe with you. I just need to regain that sense of being safe by myself."
Kissing the top of her head, Steve pulled her even closer to his chest. "Like I said; I'm not going anywhere."
**A/N: The line between fluff and plot is so blurred that I don't even know what to consider this chapter. While the little blurb during chapter one that teases Winter Soldier did say that Bethany is pregnant during that time, I haven't decided how far along. I do have possible story arcs for different stages of pregnancy, so if you have an opinion, let me know! If not, I still have a while before I have to decide.
Also, just a general THANK YOU to everyone. I sincerely hope you are all still enjoying Steve and Bethany's journey.
Patty cake rocks: Thank you! I think I did pretty well actually, all things considering!
Kadienewberg: I love their cute moments too. Which is why I try to put one in each chapter, no matter the plot line. I'm almost sure there will never be a chapter where one or the other isn't present in one way or another. After all, it is til death do they part.
Jo: Thanks!
Lovesharrypotter26: Haha not a problem! I hardly ever review on fanfictions myself. I'm glad you enjoyed my Avengers fantasy and especially Bethany, who I've grown very protective over. Updates should be every week, sometimes more than once, unless I mention a vacation (we take a lot in my house). Thank you for all your kind words, and even if you do not review again, I do appreciate them.
