Hello again! Ha, times have been crazy, had preliminary examinations in Philosophy and Theology, three days with only 4 hours sleep a night, my moods have been swinging between ecstatically happy and horrifically depressed, but fortunately for me I've got some good people or have at least convinced myself this is the case. I've got a hell of a lot of in-gags and silly things in this chapter, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Oh yeah – Stay Beautiful is a Real club night in London…

Chapter 3 – New futures.

The ones who made a difference
By withstanding the indifference
I guess it's up to me now
Should I take that risk or just smile?

Misread – Kings of Convenience

"You did WHAT?" asked Jean – Luke.

Runty, very bleary eyed, his tie uncharacteristically at half-mast and top button undone, shook his head saying, "Look, don't give me a hard time…I've been really stressed…"

"Not that!" snapped Jessica, "We've all smoked weed, hell, we've shared sneaky spliffs before, but with Him? Dudley Dursley? They guy who's beaten up everyone in this room at least once?"

"I still have permanent scaring from where he dragged me across the car-park!" Goats, a boy with unfortunately whispy hair and a pointed chin1, exclaimed.

"I know, I know! I don't know what I was thinking! But it seemed like a good idea at the time…"

"Well, Mr Tibbins will probably just kick him out anyway…"sighed Moore, "Hopefully. But still, Roland, could you have done something more stupid if you'd tried?"

"Oh, shut the fuck up Moore, he probably won't even turn up2." Runty said, staring Moore in the face, "He didn't quiet white-out last night, but he came pretty close."

"Well, all I can say is that he deserves every little bit of pain he gets for what he did to Jess, " said a coat-hanger thin girl called Nina, "doesn't he?"

"He barely did anything to me, it's Roland who got the worse end of him…seriously, I thought that people had grown out of that stupid stuff by now, but he proves that either I'm desperately wrong about people, or that he's the missing link between ape and man."

All of them giggle bitterly at her insult, and as the door opened all of them leapt onto desks to sit on.

"Ah, popular as always." Mr Tibbin's said with a smile.

"Well, at least we have more members than the creative writing club." Said Jessica.3

"Which reminds me – anyone thinking of apply for English?" Nina put her hand up. "Well, just remember this one fact – Tennison4 can't write, but you're not allow to say this to anyone. I was reminded of it as I was looking through my poetry the other day." Mr Tibbins leant up against the desk and said, "So, my foot soldier's of knowledge, any requests?"

"Oh! Can we pretend we're the history boys and do a scene from brief encounters5?" asked Jean-Luke.

"Hmm, maybe not. I'm not in the mood. Now, if it's Evil dead, maybe a bit of comi-horror, I'd be in the mood."

"Comi-horror, how can something be comic and horrible?" asked Moore

"I think we've just got our question for today!" Mr Tibbins exclaimed, clapping his hands together.

Suddenly the door burst open, and Dudley Dursley, in all his dishevelled glory stood there, light shinning in behind him, slouching nonchalantly, a cigarette in one hand and a cup of cold coffee in the other. His hair was a mess, he smelt faintly of sweat and vodka, and, in his rush to get here, his face had gone a particularly unattractive shade of red.

There was a general consensus of eye brow raising.

Mr Tibbin's was the first to speak.

"Ah, Dursley…what are you doing here?" Mr Tibbins looked positively puzzled.

"I've come for the Oxbridge lessons." Dudley panted.

There was a stony silence and a unity of affronted disbelief.

"Okay…" Said Mr Tibbins, his face the face of a man whose entire knowledge of the world had been turned upside down, and had, as a result, tried to shut it out, "any particular reason?"

"What reason could I possibly have for going to an Oxbridge lesson?" asked Dudley sarcastically.

"I don't know." Said Mr Tibbins, honestly unable to find a reason. "So, have any idea what college you want to go to yet."

"College6?"

"Okay, it's a difficult decision, which University, Oxford or Cambridge?"

"Not a clue."

"Well, that's okay, again, you've got to look at the different courses, especially as they differ so much even in the same subject…what subject do you have an interest in?"

"I dunno."

Mr Tibbins sighed and said, "Sit down Dursley."

Dudley, noticing a space on the desk next to Jessica, walked over and pulled himself on it. He smiled at her – she scowled and shifted away from him. Dudley noticed that quiet a few people did. Then the thought struck him – he'd beaten up, insulted and ostracised every person in that room. They all were moving away from him, staring at him with a look on their face that made sure that Dudley knew he wasn't welcome.

He'd never felt so unpopular in his life. The only person not giving him evils was Runty, and he looked like he was somewhere between dying of embarrassment and utter self loathing. Even Mr Tibbins was having to look away from him and looked visibly uncomfortable. Dudley wished he'd brought a friend with him, but he hadn't. Maybe Runty was right – he was a coward – he felt so utterly petrified; if Piers, or Kegs, or even Milton had been there, he would probably have slagged off everyone in that room and run off, but not before destroying the room, but he didn't. He sat there, with everyone hating him, and felt like dying.

"Now, as Moore was saying, how can something be comic and horrific at the same time? Now, remember, before anyone starts shooting their mouths off, what do we do first?"

"Define the question." Moore groaned.

"Right – so do we start with dictionary definitions, or just go with an agreed definition?"

"Hmm, for accuracies sake, we ought to go with dictionary," Jessica considered, "but for the time being, shall we decide? Sometimes the dictionary definition can be more of a hindrance than help, especially as the word won't be in context…"

"I disagree." Moore said, "Even out of context, if we don't have a concrete definition of a word, we still don't have a shared understanding of what it means."

"Oh, shut up Moore," Runty grunted, "there is not such thing as completely shared understanding as life experiences differ so much that entire words mean different things7. I mean, some people think that 'Friends' is funny, but that doesn't mean that entirely predictable jokes based on gender stereotypes and apparently 'crazy' antics are actually funny."

"Ah, that was a little below the belt Roland." Mr Tibbins said, "Admittedly it's true, but although insulting people is part and parcel of academic study, I do wish to not engrain the habit in you."

"Sorry sir," Runty mumbled.

"Now, if we define Comedy as "an action or series of events which makes us laugh" and horror as "actions or events which make us feel disgust, fear or uncomfortable", can these two definatitions ever come together?"

"Well, obviously they do." Dudley piped up.

They all turned around to look at him.

"Back up your claim, Dursley." Mr Tibbins interjected.

"Well, y'know, when something's really funny, but also really wrong…"

"Wrong? Define your terms! Be far more precise boy!"

"Precise? Fuck that! You know exactly what I mean!" Dudley started to yell.

"Do I? How can I tell?"

"Well, if you want an example, I find it incredibly funny that you're still allowed to teach here, even though you're a paedophile who preys on young boys." Dudley spat.

"Ah, I see, you've fallen into the trap of using my homosexuality against me." Mr Tibbins said, "But not only are you being incredibly inaccurate about my feeling, you are deviating off the subject as you don't seem to be able to back up your claim, thus rendering your argument inaccurate and therefore false."

There were a bunch of ill-suppressed giggles as Dudley looked around, turning red. They were laughed at him, laughed at his stupidity, never before had these people laughed at him without regretting it, but as he turned to Jessica, seeing here staring at him, her face unchanged he suppressed his anger. Dudley wasn't sure he was able to take it.

"Well, nothing is obvious, as any good philosopher will tell you…"

"G. E. Moore8" Jessica exploded, "What about G.E.Moore and his theory of common sense?"

"Well, Moore was almost as self-important as Russell, and far more of an idiot." Runty exclaimed.

"Oh, says you!" Jessica exclaimed.

"Yeah says me." Runty laughed, "and you know it's true!"

"Wait…what was his theory?" asked Dudley.

Jessica rolled her eyes and said, "Well, extremely and vulgarly simplified, he suggested that unless there was a particularly good reason to doubt anything, one ought not to doubt it as to do so was against common sense…"

"Yeah, but if you don't doubt anything that's not obvious wrong, then you just become a sheep." Dudley answered back, "I mean, just to accept something because it's not obvious wrong just means you never explore anything that just seems right and just accept it."

"Ah, I think you're using the slippery slope argument – is this to say that the definition of 'reasonable doubt' is not quantifiable, and therefore one cannot necessarily define what the cut off point between reasonable doubt and unreasonable doubt?" asked Mr Tibbins.

"Yeah, sure, and common sense isn't a good answer – you can't prove common sense." Dudley sulked.

"Oh, I see, the unquantifiable argument!" Jessica spat, more upset that he'd destroyed her argument than how he'd treated her, "dragging that one out, then?"

"Yeah, I am – You can't quantify common sense 'cause it's not a material thing you can measure."

"well, tell me, can you quantify 'irrational hatred', because I doubt you can, but you seem to have a lot of it." She spat, "every person in this room seems to have been at the end of yours!"

"That's not a fair argument!" Dudley exclaimed.

"Let it stand!" Moore interrupted angrily.

"I wouldn't usually let it stand…" said Mr Tibbins, "but in this case, I'd like to see how you argue yourself out of this hole…"

"It's got nothing to do with the question!"

"It's an interesting side-topic" Mr Tibbins argued quickly.

"Well, when you put it like that…"Dudley said angrily, staring at Jess, "I can't quantify how much I like you, it goes against all common sense, but I do."

Jessica looked at him for a moment. "You can't quantify because it is a quality, quality seems to be something you don't possess." She said quietly

"How can you tell – you've never given me a chance – you're over generalising." Dudley said, leaning forward to touch her hand. Jessica didn't move.

"Smooth…" Runty said, putting his face in his hands.

"Well, from the general consensus in this room, and comparing evidence, I'd say that there was an agreement." Goats spat at Dudley.

Dudley, suddenly realising that he had been insulted spun away from Jessica and, angrily shouted, "Yeah, but at least that's more quantifiable than being a little bitch because I fucked your argument over."

"I don't actually support that argument, you moron!" Goats hissed back, "A five year old could overturn Moore's arguments, haven't you actually read the 'principala ethica' – it's more hard blown than Russell's 'introduction to philosophy'9!"

"What have I said about not personally attacking people?" Mr Tibbins "especially as there's only a minute to the end, and I hate to see these things end on a bad note ."

The bell rang, and the class sedately got up to leave and go to lunch, but before they all left Mr Tibbin's shouted out, "Don't forget that I am taking us on a supervised trip to London overnight, and that glitter is mandatory – Dursley, please stay after class…."

The rest of the class laughed at what Dudley assumed was an in joke, with a squeal from Nina, who said, "The watering can song10!"

"I'm so in the front!" Goats laughed, putting his hand around Nina.

"C'mon Jess!" Moore snapped at her, as she walked slowly behind the others, "We need to get good places in the lunch cue!"

Jessica turned around and looked Dudley in the eyes. He couldn't gage her expression properly, but she stared at him a few seconds longer than necessary. Then Moore grabbed her arm, her arm, and pulled her out.

As the door slammed shut, Dudley looked MR Tibbins in the eye, alone in the empty, echoy room. "So, what d'ya want." Dudley grunted.

"Why did you come to this class today? As far as I have been informed, you haven't been to classes since your exams."

"Well…" Dudley tried to think of a good reason, but failed.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, I just want to know 'why'."

"Why?"

"I saw you making eyes at Jessica Miller."

"No Sir, I wan't…"

"…now, now Dursley, there's no need to be ashamed, she is a pretty girl, and you are a normal, heterosexual male; but I have to admit, It is shocking to see you go after anyone…not in your social circle…"

"I wasn't chasing her! I came here…I came here to…I came here to make fun of you gang of nerds!"

"Funny, because I didn't hear much teasing…"

"Well…"

"Dudley, can I ask – have you ever really considered Oxbridge before?" Mr Tibbins asked gently.

"No." Dudley answered quietly. His parents were dead set against it – His father insisted that he went to Sheffield, just like he did, and his Mother seemed to think Oxford was full of 'bad influences11 on my dear son, and too much pressure.' It hadn't even crossed his mind, but now, as he stood here, he knew he was about to be told he didn't stand a chance. And he didn't mind. Honestly.

"You know, was that your first time arguing? Have you heard any of those arguments before?"

"No."

"Dudley…I think, that with a bit of coaching and work, you could stand a good chance of getting in."

Dudley was struck silent. "What?" he asked, unable to believe what had just been said.

"I said, that you, Dudley Dursley, are not as unintelligent as you make out that you are. I suggest that you actually have a good brain that just needs a chance to expand."

"Wait – are you saying I should apply to Oxford or Cambridge?"

"Yes."

"But I can't!" he wailed.

"Why not! You've got nothing to lose, and if you go down to interviews, you get a few days off school, and if you get in, you're in one of the best Universities in the world! Now, I know we haven't seen eye to eye before, but I do ask that you at least think seriously about applying."

"But I have crap GCSE12's!"

"Give it a go! I believe that if they give you a chance, they won't be disappointed!"

"Okay – but what if I don't get in?"

"Then you don't get in. Simple as that."

"Learning for learnings sake?"

"Something like that, Dursley." Mr Tibbins sat down at his desk, and said, "You can go to Lunch now if you like, but do think it over."

Dudley rapidly moved towards the door, but just before he touched the door handle Mr Tibbins said, "But if you can, do join us on our Educational Trip next week. It should be rather informative, and dare I say, maybe even…fun."

"What're you doing? Going to museums and crap?" sneered Dudley.

"Yes. But there should be plenty of time for admiring the human form and a little modern musical analysis. Oh, and if you come, don't forget to bring some glitter and make up. It's mandatory for one of the places we're visiting."

"A Museam where they won't let you in without glitter? What kind of a place is that?"

"Oh, it's a very fun place." Mr Tibbins grinned. Dudley decided not to push it, and left very quickly.

Xxxxxxx

I shall leave you to make your own conclusions – also note that I have an odd sympathy for Dudley – Oh, I was most like Runty in this story as far as social status goes, but think about it – he's been encouraged to be violent and angry all his life, but I want to give him a chance to reform.

Too many footnotes….I know most of them are self evident, but I wanted to explain it.

1 Hmm, I don't know how much Goats is going to get developed, but he is vaguely based on a guy studying law I know, who is scarily skinny, seems to live on vodka mixers and never goes out in sunlight.

2 Before this point Runty seems quiet meek and quiet, but here I like to think that amongst his friends, Runty can be quiet forceful on things he thinks matters.

3 My creative writing club at school had 2 members. Whoo yeah.

4 Feel free to have your own opinion, but I can't stand him as a writer. Maybe I'll change, but not for now.

5 History boys – brilliant play, brilliant soundtrack and wickedly funny. Go read/see if if possible. Plus the suspicious Dudley has of Mr Tibbins tie in nicely with the theme of The History Boys.

6 This is kinda an in-gag that is not really understood by anyone who hasn't applied to Oxford, but to sum – you need to choose a college to apply to, and apparently they're all really different. Well, they are, but just to note you don't just apply to Oxford or Cambridge itself, you apply to the college within the Uni, unless you, like me, put in an open application.

7 Witkensteinian/ internalistic philosophy here. Really. Tell me if the philosophy was boring, I mean, I doubt I'll do it again, but if it was really dull I'd rather know now.

8 Ah! Just to clarifyv- there is a character called Moore, plus reference to the Philosopher…I ough to change it, but its not happening. Plus just to say that I lost all respect for G E Moore when he wrote an essay on Utility, having obviously not read any J S Mill. Silly man.

9 Russell – brilliant philosopher, but his introduction to western philosophy shows him to be an arrogant twat.

10 To sum – take one club full of glittery, pretty people and loud glam music. Add a watering can full of Vodka at the front of the stage and watch people dash to the front. Trust me. It's gooooooood!

11 I'm not sure here – possibly drugs (she obviously doesn't know about the weed) or perhaps she thinks it'll turn her son gay XD

12 For American Readers who don't know this term – GCSE's (General Certificates of Secondary Education) are the exams that English kids take at the age of 16, just before they are allowed to leave school. I don't think we get a high school diploma as such, but a lot of separate grades. I mean, you can fail all your GCSE's or not take them (if you're that determined) but after 16 you can't be forced to go to school after the academic year is over. Anyway, this is just to say that the grades Dudley got were not good, definitely not the rumoured minimum of 6 A stars's (higest possible grade at GCSE) you're meant to have to have a chance at Oxford.