Disclaimer: I know for a fact that they're not dead.
He was stupid
Tried, for himself, to play Cupid
He liked himself
He didn't mind to pride oneself
And while he was a perfect narcist
He's not going to stay and amorist
Ranma looked a bit closer at the meaty mash that was once the principal.
"and someone with quite some teeth. Look at those bite marks.
There is just one thing I don't get" Ranma gave the heap a pensive stare.
"Why would someone eat the principal?…
I mean, You've got to have a horrible taste if you choose the principal as dinner. I bet he's even worse then Akane's cooking.
Choose Ukyo, or shampoo, or maybe even Kodachi … but why the principal?"
Ranma stared some more while slowly, half an organ that might have been functioning as a liver once, sadly enough, slipped down from the heap, making a slurpy, wet sound.
Ranma put his fist in his hand, indicating he had an idea
"Maybe it was the healthy looking palm tree."
"That's indeed quite an incredible looking palm tree he has there, isn't it" Ranma turned around and saw a mob.
"Hiya Naibki. Yep, quite a tree indeed."
"Yeah, just look at those four leaves, they almost sparkle" Ukyo, as Nabiki was quite impressed with the palm tree.
"maybe it happy because it free?" offered Shampoo helpfully.
"I dunno. Maybe all the dead meat is good fertilizer. I mean, it did grew on the principals head, and I can't imagine what's in there except dead meat".
'He, gives a while new perspective to their mental state, being brain-dead and all.' Ranma mentally added
"what's the smile for honey, except the fact that he's dead?".
"You know how they always seem brain-dead and all. Well, maybe it's truer then we think" Ukyo laughed at that.
"Ranma, how horrible can you be, honestly" Akane fixed Ranma with a glare.
She walked over to the peaceful pile, and tore the palm-tree free from the skull. It was, contrary to popular belief, hardly stuck to the skull, and came off easily. Akane handled the midget - but oh so fresh - palm tree, like a new born babe.
"Saying that this palm tree would use that horrible excuse for something living as fertilizer." Akane said displeased, Ranma hmm'ed.
"hmm, yea you're probably right. Well, anyway, he's now not even an excuse for something living. Still, a horrible excuse though. I do wonder who'd done it. I mean, now he's a horrible excuse for something dead, and I don't think the dead particularly like that."
Ranma turned around and looked at the mob, which included… everyone, except Kodachi, Tatewaki… and the meat heap, previously known as the principal.
"So, anyone any idea who might've done this?" Ranma nodded towards the heap. No one responded though, everyone stood waiting for someone, anyone to come out and admit.
"Come' on people, we need a murderer here… or at least a suspect. No one knew we're here except all the people present here, all the people you told and the people who we rented this place from." Ranma scanned the eighteen people intensely, daring anyone to confess.
Eventually, Daisuke broke the silence "I confess I murdered him" everyone gasped and looked at Daisuke in complete shock, including Ranma.
Ranma was the first to get around, and walked over to Daisuke, always looking maintaining eye contact. Eventually, when Ranma's face was almost touching Daisuke's,
"Daisuke… whatever were you thinking? Why in the world eat the principal? Aren't there others here who look way more tasty? Think of how Sayuri or Yuka must feel, being rejected like that?"
Yuka sniffed to fortify Ranma's point, but received an elbow from Sayuri
"He can eat anyone for all I care" Daisuke didn't look up at Sayuri's remark.
"I quite agree there son. It's promising for a young man to show such passion in, whatever he does, but you don't have to strain yourself like that son. Begin with something easier, like, say a panda." Soun, helpful as ever advised the young man.
"Yes Tendo, or moreover, begin slowly, eat smaller bits at first, then later you can advance and try to eat him whole. But you've eaten half his body, which is an amazing feat surely, but one does wonder its wisdom"
"Oh my, if you want Daisuke, I can let Akane cook for you" Akane looked at her sister astonished.
"Kasumi, how could you?" Kasumi looked shamefaced at Akane.
"Sorry Akane. But feeding takes such a high priority with me. And well, if he doesn't like my cooking, and needs to eat tasteless people like the headmaster, I have to find an alternative" it was peculiar to hear Kasumi frightened. Nothing ever really fazed her, but this. It was sweet though that the one thing that does upset her, is intentionally hurting her sister.
"But insulting your own sister like that." All that Kasumi could do to look at a devastated Akane was looking at her feet..
"Don't sweat it Akane. Like your dad said, he has to pipe down some levels, not raise the bar." Ranma smirked while clapping Akane on the back.
"RANMA" however, Ranma was already walking back to Daisuke, and she, for once let it go.
"Whatever your taste may be Daisuke. I want to make one thing clear here."
Everyone held his breath as mayor Ranma was about to speak some heavy weighting words. Well… some words that might've been heavy weren't it for the fact that Ranma was about to say them.
"You are to be congratulated"
"Yeah, thanks for getting rid of him"
"He was such a pest"
"Though it does mean the Kuno's will have even more money now, with the money they're going to get from their dad."
"Hey, more money to blackmail out of him"
"I don't believe he did it" an aggravated Sayuri said.
"Me neither" Yuka agreed.
"I'm also doubtful of that" Hiroshi tactfully joining the ladies
Daisuke looked at his friend in shock "Yoshi, how could you?"
"Well, I would've heard it if you left the room, I'm a light sleeper after all. And there is no trace of blood whatsoever in our room. Besides, it's not fair taking the credit when you didn't do it."
Daisuke dropped his shoulders in defeat and sighed.
"Okay so I haven't done it. Who cares, he's dead isn't he."
Ranma looked at Daisuke, scratching the back of his head..
"Okay then. No problem, but we still have no murderer though"
"Why do you want one? I mean, he's dead. Let's be happy about that, and get on, a lot happier, with our lives." Ranma turned to Ukyo.
"Maybe, but still. Think about it, if no one here killed him, then it had to be someone who didn't knew what a pest he was, so in other words, someone who just randomly killed him. And that means that, that someone might kill one of us to." Ukyo observed Ranma's more then proud face. It probably was even obvious to the meat heap that Ranma was mighty proud of his reasoning.
"Maybe he really only killed him to set this nice palm tree free" Akane was idly stroking one of its four leaves.
"Maybe, but I somehow doubt that." At this Ranma began walking from left to right in front of the group all the while apparently in deep thought.
Everyone stood still, and waited for Ranma to come to some sort of conclusion, no one said a word, no one dared to interrupt the martial artist's pondering.
"Ranma, could you stop the pensive glare and change the record. It doesn't fit you" Nabiki eventually did dare to break the silence, and was rewarded with a shocked look from everyone.
Ranma, in a mid stride, turned around and looked at Nabiki, then nodded more to himself, then anyone else, and began to whistle, putting his hands in his pockets and looking at the sky… which was silly because he was inside, and continued pacing like that in front of the mob.
Nabiki smiled happy with the change..
Eventually, Ranma appeared to have thought of something, as his hand once again slammed in his other hand.
"I have it; all we have to do is find someone who had reasons to kill the headmaster." Everyone simultaneously groaned at that.
"What? It's pure logic. And gives us an excuse to get rid of another pest" in a second, everyone's face, that initially showed annoyance, cleared up in wonder.
"Who, more then us - which is highly unlikely, and quite absurd but whatever… - , has a reason to kill him, and who, we have reasons to kill?" Nabiki glared at Ranma.
"Don't go there Ranma, or you'll regret it."
"What was that Nabiki?" Ranma's glare was instantly aimed at Nabiki.
"Nothing, I'm just the innocent little girl" she peeped with a cuter then ever before face… which doesn't tell you much since Nabiki's cute faces were fairly limited, but we'll assume it was pretty cute… for Nabiki's doing anyway. Actually, she herself was quite shocked with the way she peeped and tried to look innocent and cute. Not only she, but the whole mob stared at her, including Ranma who also took the liberty to gawk.
"I don't know what happened… I, I ehm…Whatever, Ranma don't, okay, just don't"
"Come on Nabiki. You don't have any idea how big a favour you'd do me and Akane… and probably Ukyo… and Daisuke Hiroshi, Yuka and Sayuri. Think of your classmates at Furinkan, how much they'd love this. Not only released from their principal from hell, but rid of both of them."
"No Ranma, just no. think off all the money I could get out of him. Think of the things I could sell him, the things for which he'd give yen, much yen, thousands of yen. THE YEN RANMA, THE YEN, have you thought about that?" Nabiki almost began to scream, maybe she was, it was hard to tell. Nabiki had never screamed before, much like Kasumi but for an entirely different reason. She's supposed to be cool, rational and calculating. Not this… this Nabiki with a loud voice, it was so not her. Maybe it was a sign for things to come.
Then again, maybe money was the only thing that indeed could get her emotional and… angry. Whatever Nabiki's reasons to be angry Ranma wasn't going to bet on this, never when Nabiki involved and so, took some steps back.
However, this had to be done, so Ranma did the only thing that could be done in a situation like this.
"well… what if we make a deal?" everyone looked at Ranma as if he had grown a second head… with a cute little red hat on,… painted like a clown… saying "Huk Huk Huk, that's all folks"… and was doing a tap-dance though it was only a head… and… well, in the end, that might not have been that strange, seeing as said person changed into a girl with cold water and all. So… ehm, they all looked at him as when a normal person saw Ranma as if he had grown a second head… with a cute…,WHATEVER… they were fairly baffled.
"You… and me, make a deal? And you propose it?" as the rest she was fairly amazed, and she was also grinning. The rest wasn't grinning, the rest was waiting for impending doom.
"You let us go cream the bastard, and I'll model for you a week." Nabiki thought this over. Her biggest client was of course Kuno, but not exclusively. Things might sell a bit slower then normal but in the end she'd still see huge wages… however, it would all take a lot longer, and also wasn't as funny. Kuno was in his obliviousness such an easy and rewarding target… certainly rewarding, big time.
"Five weeks, spread over three years, with no modelling fee"
"WHAT, you insane? I'd never"
"Otherwise I won't agree Ranma" Ranma looked at Nabiki beaten. He had no idea why he would need her consent. Nevertheless was he sure that she'd be a pain if he offed him off without her agreement.
"ALright, I'll do it. But no nude shots, and no shots during school time, or any shot with any of my fiancées and stuff, and none of them that might bring serious pain to me."
"that's fair enough"
"And no blackmail, just for selling"
"that's …"
"NO blackmail"
"Alright, sheesh, as if I'd blackmail you" Ranma glared, he just glared.
"About whom are you two actually talking about Ranma" Ranma turned to Akane and groaned.
"Come' on honey, who at Furinkan do we want dead, and is easily a suspect here?" Ukyo sighed at Akane's sometimes selective dimness.
"ah yes, him." Akane smiled as realisation dawned on her. Ranma stared at her, his arms hanging limp against his body. 'what'dyou mean stupid?'
"Alright then, everyone agreed? Kuno is the murderer here, whatever he says, and whatever proof he has against this"
And with that the mob left for Tatewaki's room, lead by Ranma.
They eventually reached Kuno's room, which was easily recognised, as it had two giant doors with a bleu thunder on it, and beneath it written in golden calligraphy:
Here sleeps Tatewaki Kuno
Known by his peers as the bleu thunder of Furinkan high
Age seventeen, intelligent, rich and beautiful.
And a dead man walking, except for the brains, they were already dead.
That last part wasn't in calligraphy wasn't even in gold, but in black written with a marker, in hardly legible scribble.
Before opening the door, he looked behind him to see if his companions were ready. And they were, with torches, ropes, pitchforks and the works, complaining and fighting between each other as they went.
Ranma turned back to the door, and opened it.
The room was big and nicely decorated, as might have been expected, though were he got the stuff from was a Mystery. Kuno was standing in the middle of the room, his bokken ready.
"I was expecting you Saotome." His voice was kinda off, noticed Ranma, like he was using a totally different accent. He also sounded a bit evil, which of course suited him well, and only made things to much easier.
"You were?" Ranma looked surprised
"Thou voice carriest far fiend. The whole forest is made aware of your vile plot to take the most wonderful being from this earth. Oh, how horrible it will suffer." Kuno closed his eyes and softly touched his head as he tried to seem tragic, which was of course very much the case, but he didn't need to play it, he was pretty tragic since birth.
"I cannot begin to imagine the hurt thou foul, but luckily improbable, plan will bring to my two beloved. Akane and Pigtailed one, you'll both surely will suffer if this demon succeed. But fear not, I kuno has never been defeaten, and it will take more then this vile cur to even make a possible plan to end my noble and just existence.
The consequences, the tragedy that would befall this… this community, this country… NO, this world would be too horrid to imagine. My noble presence alone is inspiration for all, and it would be tragic indeed if such a thing were lost. It is no more then your true colours Ranma Saotome, that you would take from the world my greatness"
And with that, Kuno opened his eyes, and found himself bound, in the middle of the square looking at nineteen people with stones. Their torches were placed around the square which was somehow necessary because though it was day, the grey clouds hid the sun well. The pitchforks and whatnot that they carried were innocently lying on the ground.
Scream were heard in the angry mob.
"You murdered"
"you ate your own father"
"how could you"
"you scared us all"
Kuno however was fairly certain he hadn't ate his father. Suppose he had, he should have had an awful taste in his mouth when he woke… then again, maybe that fresh palm tree on his head had neutralised the taste. Whatever it was, he was not going down without a fight.
"READY" Ranma's voice boomed over all the angry mutters coming from the mob.
"SET" Ranma was standing besides the crowd who were themselves standing in a neat line right in front of a bound Kuno.
"GO eh… I mean THROW" and with that everyone, even Nabiki (she might not like it, but bought is bought, and she wasn't the one to deliver half goods) began to throw rocks at him. Kuno however, stupid as he was, still found himself able to evade the rocks.
He evaded them that well that people were getting awfully bored with it, and began sighing in frustrating.
"Can't we just hang him or something, this is tiresome." mousse pointed out
"No, we'll probably need hangin' for someone else." Ranma looked as Kuno was still evading rocks using all his concentrating and skills.
Suddenly, Ranma picked up a bucket of cold water that was lying around and doused its contents on himself.
"KUNOOOO, won't you die for me?" she asked in a voice that would kill a bucket full of plush bunnies of jealousy.
"Pigtailed girl. You've come for me!" distracted, everyone saw their chance, and all at once began a new wave of rocks.
This time Kuno didn't get a chance to evade. In fact, in a matter of seconds, Kuno was hardly visible, as a mountain of rocks covered him from head to toe. The only evidence that there was in fact a human under there was the puddle of bloody rapidly expanding under the mountain off stone.
Tofu stepped out the crown, walked over to Kuno, stuck his hand in the mountain of stones, rummaged a bit somewhere, and eventually came to a conclusion.
"His dead" he tried to sound sorrowful, but even he couldn't suppress a grin.
And the crown cheered.
"Okay, now that this is over with, let's eat, I'm starving here" and with the Mayors blessing all went to eat.
Authors Note:
Ugh… I don't know how I could've uploaded the first version of this chapter. It was… horrible. I've rewritten some parts, and corrected an awful lot of mistakes.
Alright then, to get some reviews here…
You know that:
Cupido cupido
Headmaster Human
Tatewaki Kuno Human
Ranma Mayor/ …
I've given here an insanely obvious hint of someone else's role, the mob was even shocked, and so that should be easy to guess. But for the rest…
Yea, I know, the rhyme sucks. I had a far better one, thought of in bed… and forgot it afterwards (stupid how all the creative and good ideas bother you when you're nice and cosy in your bed)
