Chapter 3

It was early in the morning, but I was already on my way down to the Great Hall for breakfast. As predicted it was almost empty except for two Hufflepuff girls and a lone Slytherin. None of them seemed quite awake yet.

Last night had not granted me any more sleep than the previous one. It felt like little house elves were sitting inside my head, gnawing at my consciousness. I had kissed Snivellus. I had kissed Snape. I had kissed him. The thought of it still made my cheeks burn. I wondered whether he had told the whole Slytherin common room yet. He probably would. What a thought that would be: me, Sirius Black, in love with the scruffy Severus Snape. No one was in love with Snape, it was common knowledge. But still I found myself oddly attracted to him. Perhaps it was the Stockholm syndrome, it had probably manifested because of the detentions we had had to spend together. Or perhaps even more likely: Dumbledore had cast some kind of spell or jinx on me so that we would learn to "care for each other" more. I made a nasty grimace and threw myself down on the bench, staring mournfully at the toast in front of me.

I wasn't really hungry, so I didn't know why I had bothered to dress and come down in the first place. It was just a habit I figured. If you let yourself just drift, the Great Hall was where you ended. I wondered if this was subconscious or a spell set on the castle so that first years wouldn't get lost as easily. It certainly would have helped me as a first year I concluded. But then again, we wouldn't have had even half the fun we had had without the extensive exploration of the castle.

Ah yes, those were the days, when worries had been the last thing to cross our minds. Our reality contained only pranks, laughter, making fun of Snape and eating. Now I didn't have much of an appetite to speak of, pranks I could just forget until Remus didn't hate me as much as he did, and as for Snape… well I had kissed him. Growing up was difficult. You were given more responsibilities, people kept expecting things of you, and truth be told, I really wasn't certain whether I could handle it.

It seemed like I had disappointed just too many people in too short a time. I was confusing and disappointing even myself. It could be a normal thing about this growing up business, but it didn't seem like James had the same problem. He never let anyone down, always the perfect one. Good grades, star of the Quidditch team, good looking. Straight.

It had been quite the shocker when I found my attraction to men was stronger than my attraction to females. At first I had been worried, angst ridden to be precise. But we had all accepted Remus' secret, so then why not mine?

And of course I had been right. Remus had simply smiled saying he already knew. James had just shrugged, he was happy there was one less competitor now. Peter had seemed a bit disquieted at first, but when he saw how James and Remus had reacted, he just took it with a smile and never mentioned it again. Great friends.

Then I went ahead and ruined it. I wondered how they would handle the news of me kissing one of our greatest school enemies. Just some hours ago I had hated Snape with all my heart, and as far as I knew, I still did. But then… why the attraction?

My voice of reason, which was a crippled little thing, told me it was most probably because we were both boys. Being so close to Snape had fooled me into thinking I liked him physically. It had happened with people before. Probably Snape must've been gay too, or at the very least bisexual. Straight he was not, that I knew.

Just the vibes occurring between two hormone-crazed teenagers, nothing more. It was really that simple, I didn't want to fool myself into believing anything else. The next time I saw him, I was sure I would feel nothing but the regular repulsion at his greasy state and uneasy behaviour.

Taking the rest of my uneaten toast in my hand, I made my way out onto the grounds. I needed to think, and the quiet of a chill October morning was perfect for such a doing.

I had faced bigger problems before. My family existed of people I rarely encountered or talked to willingly. If I against all reason found myself having to engage in some form of family gathering with them, it always ended in nasty fights. I was shunned by them and viewed as a failure. I had good friends to make up for it, and James' family had more or less become my own. There was no lack for care or love, but still, I missed having what James, Remus and Peter almost took for granted. A home to return to at the end of a school year, a sanctuary and a place where you received unconditional support. I had just been born into the wrong family, and we all knew I didn't belong there.

Walking around the castle and down to the lake I turned to the right and followed the shore. The surface was a dark blue this morning, disturbed by the continuing wind. The small waves hit softly against the rocks, gently wetting them before retreating again. It was a beautiful morning, I couldn't deny that. But the thoughts going through my head made it strangely melancholic. It felt like something was missing, and I couldn't put my finger on just what. Probably my friendship with Remus. I hadn't had a decent talk with him in a long time, and I desperately needed it. The thought of having lost him made my throat tighten and I tossed the rest of my breakfast into the water, watching as the bread rode on the restless waves.

Sighing, I continued on my path around the lake, not really knowing if I bothered coming back for classes. It was difficult to find the inspiration to care.

Upon entering the open grove of ashes I noticed a black and unmoving pile of clothing lie against one of the trees. Carefully I moved closer, keeping in mind that it could be anything this close to the Forbidden Forest. When I was half a meter away from it, it jerked suddenly, startling me enough to give a half-shout before leaping back. The pile of clothing jumped too, and a pair of black eyes stared wide eyed at me before narrowing in recognition.

'You!' he hissed, 'what are you doing here you maniac? Are you following me? Can't you just leave me THE HELL ALONE!' The last he roared right into my face even though he had to stand on his toes to do so. His sickening pale skin had turned pinkish through his effort and anger, and the blue shades underneath his eyes made him look like a blushing skull.

'How in Merlin's name was I supposed to know you had to sit right here in my path?' I hollered back, feeling my own anger and irritation at the situation grow.

Snape deflated at the anger in my voice and he shrank back, eyes resting uneasily on my face.

'Just leave me alone would you?' he said quietly at last, tugging his great robes protectively around himself.

'Well, I'm sorry,' I said without really meaning it, 'but I was just taking a walk to think, I didn't know I would encounter you here. I swear.'

Snape mouth quirked into a half-smile and a few strange hiccupping sounds emitted from him.

'You thinking? You have to make up a better lie than that. It's too easy to see through.'

'Hey, bugger off,' I muttered angrily, 'I said I was sorry didn't I?'

Snape only shrugged and crossed his arms, looking up at me through his hair. It seemed even more lanky and greasy now than it had for a long while. Didn't the boy know there were baths at Hogwarts?

The more he stared at me, the more self-conscious I became. My thoughts returned to last evening, and I became painfully aware of what I had done to him. With the way he mutely hexed me with his eyes I didn't doubt he was too.

'I don't really want to talk about what happened,' I said quietly at last, 'but I guess I have to kind of explain myself. And y'know, apologize.'

Snape's mouth fell slightly open before he closed it firmly and quirked an eyebrow at me.

'Apologize?' he echoed, 'why?'

I was about to head into a long tirade of mad explanations but his question stopped me dead. Perhaps he hadn't minded it as much as he had made me believe?

'Well… I got the impression that it was done against your will, and that's not right,' I said and kicked the ground with my sneakers.

'Huh...' was the surprisingly unarticulated answer I received. Snape shifted inside his black robes, now slightly grey because of the dirt he had been sitting in. 'When did you grow a conscience?'

'Well I guess you beat one into me the other day,' I grinned rubbing my nose, hoping that it would emit a smile from him. And it did. The quirky little smile blotted his uneven and small teeth, the tip of his pink tongue slightly poking out. This somehow made me grin even more, and I found myself laughing quietly. I could almost have described him as pretty when he smiled with mirth, his face changing so drastically.

'But,' I continued, now serious, 'are you very angry with what I did yesterday?'

Snape didn't answer at once, biting his bottom lip and looking at a fallen tree lying nearby. It was covered with some sort of nasty fungus I didn't know the name on, and I was sure it was of great interest to the little Slytherin.

'I don't know,' he said at last. 'I guess I got a bit scared. You're very strong.' Snape seemed to be in an odd mood, his venom and snarkiness slightly gone. I couldn't really put a describing name on what he was. This was Snape, after all, and he didn't work as regular people do. Yet he didn't seem angry.

I took a few steps closer to him. Now I could only stretch out before touching him.

'So if I was to do it again, would you mind?' I asked with my heart hammering. I couldn't believe I was doing this. But somehow it just seemed like the right thing to do. Snape only shrugged, not looking at me at all. I took the final step closer and took a firm grip around his upper arm as I had done the night before. I could feel his entire body going rigid, but when I leaned down and brushed my lips against his closed ones, his breath hitched. He still wouldn't look at me, and it was like kissing a porcelain statue.

Deciding I wanted a reaction from him, I kissed him once more, this time more lingering. Not really wanting to touch his hair I used my other hand to cup his chin and turned his face up towards mine.

I licked his lips carefully in the hopes that he would open his mouth and let me inside. Hesitantly he did, but there were no further engagement from his side. I didn't mind though. To hold that little body, and just know how utterly wrong it was for me to do this sent a chill down my spine. This was a whole different level of pranking. Kissing the enemy, wanting the enemy, was just against all rules ever made between the Marauders. They would kill me if they ever were to know. This was my little dirty secret, and I wouldn't tell anyone.

When Snape started to slightly pull away from me, I finally let go of my grip on him. He seemed flushed, and slightly gasping for breath. Still his arms were crossed and his entire body was stiff as a pole.

'Why?' he asked after a few seconds of silence, 'why is it like this?'

I didn't think the question was meant for me, as I couldn't grasp how to answer it. I had no idea how desire worked, I just knew it was traitorous and surfaced when you least wanted it to.

Licking his lips, Snape seemed to be far away in his own thoughts. I was just about to say something inane to break the awkward silence when he bit down on his bottom lip so hard blood spilled down his chin. I gave a shout in surprise and was about to rush forward when he flinched violently. I stopped in my tracks and stood staring at him.

'Why the hell did you do that?' I asked, my eyes growing huge with fright and wonder. Could he ever act normally? But Snape didn't answer, only continued to dry away the blood trailing down his chin with the sleeve of his robes. Licking the lips now painted deep red, he gave me that sweet smile of his, meeting my gaze for the first time in a long while.

'Kiss me again,' he said, shaking the long black strands out of his pale face. When he asked me in such a way, I just couldn't say no.

The metallic taste was a bit odd at first, but the warm pulse beating under the ripped skin was so sensual I couldn't help but give a slight moan. My hands found his thin waist, which appeared to be even smaller inside the giant robes. I swore I could almost reach around it with my fingertips meeting. Carefully stroking his back, I could feel my libido awaken by the alien sensations.

Everything ended as soon as it began. Snape pushed me hurriedly away and began drying the blood and spittle from his lips with his sleeve. My first reaction was anger, but when I heard the leaves shuffle behind me I knew someone was approaching. Snape frantically rubbed at his lips to dry the blood away, but it just kept on spilling.

Strutting out between the trees was none other than Rosier, seemingly quite confident in finding whatever he was looking for there. His eyes widened at the sight of me however, and his lips pulled back in a sneer.

'Black,' he commented acidly, 'what are you doing here?' His gaze travelled from me to Snape and back again. I was at a loss for words.

'We have an Ancient Runes project together,' Snape to explained. 'I was doing some research and asked Black to join me.'

'Research? Here? In the middle of a grove?' Rosier didn't sound convinced. His malevolent blue eyes glittering.

'You know I like to work in quiet,' Snape said, licking his lips again. 'My bags are over there,' he nodded in the direction of the tree I had found him by. He seemed adamant on lying his way out of it, but I was growing irritated. This was ridiculous.

'Sorry to burst your bubble, Rosier,' I growled, 'but I don't think what Snape does is anything of your business.'

'Oh I think finding him with the boy who has made his school-life a living hell is my business,' Rosier growled back dangerously. 'I want to make sure you haven't hurt him.' His reason for worry was legitimate enough, but I doubted strongly that was why he had come. It didn't seem like Snape believed much of it either. He had already removed himself from the confrontation and was over by the tree collecting his bag.

'Come with me, now,' Rosier commanded, all the while glaring at me with deadly venom. Snape hesitated a bit, but did as he was told. Rosier tossed him a glare and wrinkled his brow. 'Your lip is bleeding,' he commented.

Snape only shrugged and began walking back towards the castle, not caring whether Rosier was following. The blonde narrowed his eyes at me again before looking me up and down critically. The result he came to must have been negative. Sniffing the air disdainfully, he turned and marched behind Snape, who had already made his way quite a distance down the shore. Rosier caught up with him in no time, and I watched as he took a grip around Snape's neck and pushed him violently down to the ground. I felt like shouting out, but bit it back. If Rosier realized there were something more between us, he would surely put a stopper to it.

Snape had scrambled up on his knees and stared up at Rosier who was glaring down at him. The older boy only spread his arms and shook his head, at which made Snape lower his gaze. Slapping the little Slytherin hard in the back of his head, Rosier turned and kept on walking. After a while, Snape got up to follow, a bit more hesitant.