Disclaimer/A/N: I do not own anything but this storyline. This is my first time doing Shino. I don't really like her( putting it lightly) so she may be a little OOC. This is the most emo chapter yet, to me at least.

Chapter Three: Without Love

"Father . . . " I growled. My mother was wearing a fake smile. I was horrified. What in the world was she thinking? Did she honestly think that I'd be happy to see him?

"What in the hell do you think you're doing here?!" I yelled. Mom but her hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

" Honey. He's going to take care of you for a little while." She said in a calm voice. I wanted to punch his face off. Why was he here? Surely it wasn't because he loved mom or me. If he loved us, he would have been here this whole time. For the first time in my life, I realized I had no control in the matter. I couldn't change anything, no matter what I said.

" Whatever . . . " I mumbled, walking away.

Back inside my safe haven, I walked through Breg Epona. Nothing really to do. I just kind of sulked.

"You aren't feeling any better, are you?" Atoli asked from behind me. I turned to her. I wanted to scream at her, but I actually didn't feel like it. I wanted to lie down, curl into a ball, and disappear. I just made a sound that was the mixture of a sigh and moan and shrugged.

" No." She answered for me. She looked guilty. I wanted to pull her close. As if reading me mind, she stepped closer to me. She was so close. Again, I slipped out of reality and could almost feel her warmth. I couldn't control myself. I reached out to her. I felt her arm, it was as if I was hypnotized. I pulled my hand back as if she had burned me.

"Idiot . . . " I scolded myself. Atoli heard me.

" What?" She asked, probably thinking I meant her. I couldn't do this. I couldn't be with her. Not now, not ever.

" Atoli," I started. She looked me straight in the eyes. I couldn't do this. I couldn't risk this.

"Leave me alone." I said, forcing all the emotions out. All the emotions that were really for everyone but her. Her eyes widened.

"You . . . Want to be alone now . . . ?" She asked, quietly. It hurt me so much to tell her this.

" No! I want you to leave me alone forever!" I yelled. She flinched. I could see tears in her eyes.

"Please . . . Just go . . . " I said quietly, not able to hide the pain in my voice. With tear streaming down her face, she ran off. I put my hands of my head.

" Oh . . . God . . . " I said, almost crying. I couldn't risk her to be near me. I'm about to lose my mind, maybe even go out of control. What if I hurt her? She'd get over it. After all, we were only friends. It was for the best. I logged off. This time I wasn't sure I'd ever log back on.

The next day, my mother left. I found myself fighting tears. I knew if I cried, so would she. I hugged her.

" I love you." She said in a half-whisper.

" I love you too." I told her, fighting the sob I felt coming. I watched her drive off. I had never felt more dead in my life. I was truly alone now, even Atoli was gone. When we walked back inside, my father tried to get to know me.

" I heard you were in a coma once." He said to me. I wanted to end the conversation quickly.

" Yeah, seven years ago." I replied.

" I wonder what caused it." He said. This was not the kind of small talk I liked. I lost it.

" Like you care! You weren't here! You don't know anything about me! I'm actually surprised you know how old I am!" I screamed. He did look hurt. He had the same, neutral expression as before.

" Ryou, it's more complicated than that." He said calmly.

" Bullshit! You met someone else! You just left Mom!" I screamed at him again. He sighed.

" Well. I don't have a house anymore, this seemed like a good opportunity to-" He was interrupted by me.

" Oh! I get it now! You came here because it was convenient for you!" There was so much hatred in my voice. It even surprised him. I ran back to my room. Maybe I'd log back onto 'The World' one last time.

I walked around the root town. Nothing much to do, just to walk around and look at all the happy people. I felt jealous of them. Why did they get to be happy? In the crowd I saw Kuhn. He was alone for once. I walked to him.

"Kuhn!" I called. He turned to look at me. He smiled, which made me want to punch him.

" Oh! Hey Haseo!" He exclaimed happily. He was in a good mood.

" Um, have you seen Atoli?" I asked. I wanted to explain things to her.

" Yeah." He replied. A little bit of happiness came over me.

" Really? Where?" I asked. His expression made any small piece of happiness drain away.

" Well . . . She was crying. She said you hated her. She kept calling herself an idiot." He told me. I felt guilty. How could I do that? How could I hurt her so bad? 'God, I'm such an ass . . . ' I thought. 'I can talk to Shino.' I told myself.

I called her to an area. She came quickly.

"What is it?" She asked. She was right in front of me, but my mind kept going back to Atoli. I scolded myself.

"I just wanted to ask you something." I started. My heart was pounding. I knew there was no turning back.

"What is it?" She asked. I had to just say it.

"Do you . . . What are your feelings for me?" I asked. She smiled.

"I like you." She told me.

" How much?" I asked. I needed an answer.

" Haseo . . . " She started. I kept my face expressionless. She sorted put her thoughts and continued.

" I like you, but I don't think I 'love' you." She told me. I felt broken again.

"Sorry . . . " She said, warping away. I felt horrible. Not because Shino didn't love me, because I could have had Atoli . . . That won't happen now. I found myself wondering again. Nothing else to do. I was alone, and wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing. I wanted to wake up. I wanted this all to be a nightmare. Someone called my name. It was very distant, I could barely hear them. I looked around. Silabus ran toward me.

"Haseo, are you okay?" He asked, staring at me. Was something wrong with me?

"I think. Why?" I asked, the way he was looking made me uneasy.

"I don't know. Something just seems odd. Are you okay in real life?" He asked. Why was he so intrusive?

"I'm fine." I said, annoyed. He saw it though.

"Something happened." He said. I was pissed.

" What makes you think that?!" I yelled, not able to suppress my anger. He stayed calm.

"That is." He said. I made a growling sound and spun around to leave. He called to me again. I decided to listen this time.

"I want to help you. Please just tell me." He begged. I walked over to him. I was so filled with hatred at the time. Hatred for my father, for Shino, for myself.

"You really want to know?" I asked. He nodded.

"Well . . . Where to begin . . . My mother left for war, my father, who is a horrible person, is living with me, Shino doesn't love me, I ruined my chances with the only person I ever really felt something for, all my friends abandoned me, and I'm losing my mind! Is that what you wanted to hear!? Are you fucking happy now!?" I screamed so loud it hurt my throat. Silabus looked shocked. I just had a breakdown. Dammit, these tears aren't helping!

" Haseo . . . I'm your friend. I haven't abandoned you. I want to help." He said, surprisingly calm.

" No. I don't want to drag anyone else down." I told him. I walked away. I always walked away.

I had paused the game. I walked out into the empty kitchen and gabbed a knife. I closed the door to my room behind me. I took the knife and dragged it all the way down my arm. It hurt, but I deserved it. I needed to hurt. I needed to feel the way I made everyone feel. After an hour of nothing, I put my M2D back on. I sat around in a back alley just thinking. I thought about everyone. I just sat there until I finally drifted into blackness.

A/N: Wow . . . That was difficult to write. I love writing this because it's on a very personal level for me.