Ow! Shit!

The scalding hot coffee burned Veronica's tongue.

She was already on edge, and blisters on her tongue did nothing to improve her mood. She had agreed to meet her mom – Lianne! – for a trip to the park with Hunter, and her flight instinct was on high alert. The only thing that held her to her seat was the memory of Hunter sitting on the sofa in the office, small and scared. She remembered what that felt like, watching your family self-destruct around you and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

Life - it's nothing like the brochure!


From: Veronica Mars

Date: Thurs, 28 Apr 2016 18:06

To: Logan Echolls

Subject: Eye of the Tiger

Dear Logan,

I'm sitting in Starbucks waiting for Lianne. She has to stay in town while the Keystone Cops finish their investigation to make sure that she had nothing to do with Tanner's con. She called me yesterday asking if I would take the opportunity of her still being here to get to know Hunter. He's apparently been asking about me. I'm not sure how to...

…and now a message from your emergency broadcasting system. We pause our regularly scheduled email so that I can go and save that girl who just walked in from the creepy guy she's clearly trying to get rid of. I think she was in my first year psych class at Hearst. BRB.

Fucking SOB! First of all, I'm OK. Take this as a measure of my openness and honesty that I don't go back and delete the last paragraph despite what just happened. Today just keeps getting better and better. Funny how there are meme questions covering this. And just when I was trying to decide which ones to answer anyway.

1. How many bruises on you right now?

Looks like it's gonna be one big one on the small of my back. Asshole shoved me. Good thing Deputy Norris walked in to get a coffee and saw it happen. I hope the asshole slips on the community soap. Seems like he was pushing just a little too hard to get noticed by that girl, and she was trying to get rid of him. She bought me a tiramisu as a thank you, so my fury has subsided.

7. What happened tonight?

Besides the mook I just gave a good tongue lashing to? Mac had a date. No idea who it is, and not even my patented head tilt and interrogation techniques could get it out of her. There was a time where I would have followed her with my telephoto lens just to figure it out. I think it's a testament to my growth and maturity that I didn't. Are you impressed? (Admit it, you are!)

I'm happy for her. Wallace too, who apparently started dating the new cheerleading coach at school. But it makes me miss you all the more. So, instead of wallowing at home alone or bringing down my dad's mojo at the hospital (I think he's trying to get a date with the evening nurse, and I'm apparently cramping his style. Makes me gag just thinking about it), I decided to come and write you at the café while waiting for Lianne.

I'm not even sure how to refer to her. Just above, I typed my mom, erased it, typed Lianne, and erased that 4-5 times before just giving up. Then I decided that she forfeited any right to the mom title when she left with my college money and Duncan's reward cheque. I was ready to let it all go 2 weeks ago, but that was easier to do when I didn't think I'd actually have to see her again so soon.

18. The last time you felt broken?

The obvious answer is the night of my dad's accident, and while it's true I was frantic and panicked, I'm going to go with something else. The answer is the millisecond before the phone rang when you called asking for my help, only I didn't know it at the time.

I was very broken when I left Neptune, Logan, and it took me a long time to put myself back together again. I tried to leave behind my trust issues and my penchant for running and for the most part, I did. It was nice to take a breather and just fade into the crowd, another anonymous face. I know that you of all people would understand the value in that. When Stanford was done, the psych degree gave me so much perspective on my life and my issues, and I sat for many days on that beach in Greece trying to decide if I should come home. I wanted to, you know. I missed my dad, Mac and Wallace. I missed you most of all, really, because we weren't in contact even, but as I sat there… I don't know. It had been almost five years by that point. Mac had texted me that you had enlisted, and after I picked my chin up off the sand, I realized that I couldn't just come back like nothing had happened. You had moved on, Mac was moving to Silicon Valley for a job, Wallace was going to coach in Chicago, and my dad…would have been so disappointed in me. I couldn't do that to him. The guilt I carried over the lost election was still raw for me (even five years later), so I took his suggestion of law school and went with it.

NYC, Piz, law school, those pieces got shoved onto my newly put together façade, covering some of the holes, true, but also overlaying some really important parts, hiding them. I love New York, don't get me wrong. Just not the way I was living in it, like some winter-loving, cynical, charcoal grey suited, straight-haired, hardass bitch. Yes, I know, at ease with the raised eyebrows, Lieutenant. I'm a cynical hardass bitch all right, but the rest? Not so much. When you called, it was like hidden pieces of myself woke up, stretched and were ready to come out of hiding. I think even Piz knew, as I was packing. He kept looking at me funny, like he didn't know who was standing in front of him.

Truly, he didn't.

I don't know if you remember, but when you said goodbye to me that first night after the karaoke bar, you were terrified, and you kissed me on the forehead as you left. I felt like all the pieces that didn't fit right were shaken loose with that one little kiss. I obviously couldn't leave you like that but also, I knew that I could do something about it. I was so absolutely sure that I could help you, and it felt so liberating to feel like I could use all those skills again. Granted it took me a while to admit it to myself, but once I did…not even knowing that I would see the disappointment in my dad's eyes was going to make me bury it again. Everyone thinks I'm staying here for you, but it's not about that. At least, it's not only about that (stuff that ego right back into your pocket, mister). It's that I want to be here, doing this. I feel whole again.

24. What do you want right this second?

Your arms around me. Your skin touching mine. Your lips on my neck. The smell of sex on the sheets. You making me breakfast. Me ordering us supper. You screaming my name as you come. Feeling myself lose control not to my memories of you, but to you actually inside me. Hearing you laugh. Your eyes looking at me as only you do. I want you home.

Stay safe! 88 days.

~V

From: Logan Echolls

Date: Sat, 30 Apr 2016 11:57

To: Veronica Mars

Subject: Re:Eye of the Tiger

I have to worry about you when you're just getting coffee now? You are knocking several years off of my life expectancy, here, Mars. Please, for the love of all that is holy, promise me you'll stay in your room for the next 86 days. That's my answer for 24. What do you want right this second? I will get Dick to provide everything you need. Just stay away from…everything. For me.

Ah well, I had to try. At least remember this bit of advice we learned in training: if the enemy is in range, so are you.

So how did it go with Lianne and Hunter? I completely understand you not wanting to see her. Just remember that Hunter is innocent of everything your mom did all those years ago. I'm not sure how you feel about him, but knowing your only-child tendencies and the fact that you don't like to share your people (or your food, or anything, to be honest), I can only imagine how well the discovery that you have a brother must have gone over. If nothing else, try for Hunter. You might remember that I have some experience with the long lost brother syndrome. Charlie and I exchange emails now and again, but blowing up the relationship before it could start did me no favours in the long run. Think really hard about what you want. Whatever you decide, I'm here to support you.

I'm trying to figure out where I was when you were having your existential crisis in Greece. I'm not sure why you seem to have had an extra year at Stanford, but best I can figure it, I was just ending my second (and last) year of flight school. I was trying to decide what kind of plane I wanted to fly. I admit that choosing the Growlers meant a higher likelihood of getting stationed in San Diego. I guess even then I kept hoping that you would come back, and I hesitated to stray too far from home. Ironic that you seem to have found out about my career choice and it lead you to stay away. Not sure how to take that piece of information.

I wonder sometimes what would have happened if you came home, or if I tried to follow you. I wouldn't change how we are now for anything, and I know that we needed those nine years to get us here, but I feel like there's been so much time wasted. I want all your years to have been with me even though I know that makes me selfish.

I'm maudlin now, so I'm going to sign off before you hurt yourself rolling your eyes at me through the computer. I'll reread your last answer to myself a few times to make myself feel better.

Always,

~L

From: Veronica Mars

Date: Tue, 3 May 2016 10:44

To: Logan Echolls

Subject: Mommy dearest

Possessive? Me? Nah, I was just sick the day they discussed sharing in Kindergarten. Honestly, I hadn't thought about Charlie. I guess you do know a bit about long lost siblings. You're right, of course. None of this is Hunter's fault, and I'm really going to try to figure out this sister thing.

I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know him, I think. It's no secret that I'm not the biggest fan of kids. It's not that I hate them or anything; it's more like I'm not sure what to do with them. But Hunter is pretty awesome. Won't stop talking once he gets started. We took him to the park that evening; it was nice.

Logan, I'm not sure what to make of my mother, but she looks utterly exhausted by this whole thing. I feel bad for her, obviously, but there's just something that I can't put my finger on. I'm not sure what her support system is in Tucson. I'm scared for her. I told her that I wanted to see Hunter as much as I can while they're here. I picked him up yesterday for a few hours to give her a break, and I'm supposed to take him to dinner tonight, too.

I hope you've lifted yourself out of your bad mood. I didn't mean to upset you. Am I reading your email subtext right, here? Are you upset because you think that I stayed away because you're in the Navy? My point was not that I didn't come back because you joined the Navy, or I didn't approve, or whatever story your little devil on your shoulder is feeding you. It was that you got your shit together and I didn't want to come back as though you were waiting for me and blow it all up again. I wish we hadn't lost those nine years either, but I don't think we would make it this time otherwise.

Here's a nugget of info that you seemed to be missing to distract you. That extra year at Stanford you can't figure out? I lost a semester when I changed majors, and then did an extra semester to do an honours project to bring up my GPA to graduate summa cum laude.

Have I told you lately that I like it when you make me summa cum laude? ;)

Be safe! 83 days.

~V