Dad hasn't looked at me in ages. Literally. You'd think that losing a member of your family would make everyone become closer to help each other deal with their grief, but it's the opposite with us. Callum doesn't seem to have understood that his mother will never ever be back; when he asked me, "Where's Mommy?" I told him that she was away. He said, "For how long?" I told him he'd see her again someday and he seemed to accept my answer without question. This isn't supposed to be my job. Dad's the adult. Why can't he take care of us?

I told Professor when he came to visit us a week after Mom died that I wish she hadn't died. He told me that at least she loved me, and knew that I love her just as much. I told him that my last words to her were "Go to hell".


By the end of Arianna's first week at Hogwarts, her hopes were raised so high she could only expect for them to shatter soon, very soon, as they always were. She was moved into Rose's dormitory, people sort of accepted her sitting amongst them whether she spoke or not, and she'd even gotten points for Gryffindor every few classes. The lessons themselves were extremely interesting; Arianna found that she could keep up quite well (with some help from her seating partners, who didn't hesitate whispering to her on stuff they'd learnt earlier) – in short, it was like everything she'd hoped for from all of her previous schools. And really, when was the last time she'd said something hilarious and everyone had laughed along with her?

If there was one thing she missed though, it was Quidditch. Quidditch tryout posters were already being posted up along hallways and in the common room. Arianna listened enviously to her companions' chatter about their previous flying experiences, the games they'd been to, the last Quidditch World Cup (Bangladesh vs. Brazil, the game lasted for 9 days with the latter as victor), what kinds of broomsticks they owned, whose parents had played for which team. From the previous year, Rose played back-up Chaser, James was, naturally, Seeker, Albus "found it beneath his standards to engage in such frivolous matters" (said his older brother, to which the green-eyed boy muttered indignantly, "I'm just not that good at it."). Another girl in Arianna's dorm, a tall pale-faced girl, played Beater, and Lily Potter was back-up Chaser.

"What's with all these back-ups?" Arianna asked Rose one evening in the library, their table piled high with Charms books, "Are there so many good Gryffindor players they just decided to accept you all?" The red-head smirked.

"You should see Slytherin's team. They've got so many players only half of them played an actual game last year. But yeah, we've got a lot of good players, and I don't mean to sound snobbish, but a lot my cousins happen to be pretty talented. But you can't have a team of just Weasleys and Potters now can we? So Alyssa, our captain, puts us on maybe one or two games so that the older students can play as much as possible before they graduate. I might not try out this year though, seeing as O.W.L.s are coming up…"

"But aren't you guaranteed to make it? It's not like anyone's gonna try out for Seeker, everyone seems to have just accepted that James will make it." Arianna realized that she always made James sound out to be some arrogant prat in her head, but he wasn't that bad. She could tell he liked attention, seeing as he and Fred Weasley were never seen anywhere without a band of sixth-year Gryffindors, chortling over some prank they'd pulled. But he was nice, he treated her just like anyone else. It was Albus that bothered her somewhat. Not that he was unpleasant or anything, but seriously. It was slightly unnerving how it seemed like he could see everything going on around him.

"Yeah well, he's James. He talks big, but he's actually as good as he makes himself out to be. You know, you should try out. Whether you make back-up or full-time, you get to go to all the practices. It takes a big chunk out of your time for homework, but it's well worth it. Our team members are really great people." Arianna chuckled a bit nervously.

"Er – well, I've never flown before." If she thought Rose would look at her as if she was a freak, she was wrong. Her roommate smiled broadly.

"So? My uncle who'd never been on a broom in his life did like a Wronski Feint-like technique his first time on a broom."

"Does your uncle happen to be Harry Potter?" Arianna said, rolling her eyes. Rose smiled guiltily.

"Yeah, well –"

"He's kind of, just, you know, a tiny bit, amazing at Quidditch?" Arianna said lightly, gathering up her parchment and quills and standing up, stretching. It was the end of the week, the fifth-years' list of assignments was piling up steadily, and she'd hardly slept the previous night. Rose frowned down at something she'd written, scratched it out, and followed suit, a satisfied look on her face.

"Point taken. But I'm still dragging you to tryouts tomorrow."

But come tryouts, Rose Weasley could not find her new friend anywhere.


Arianna couldn't sleep again. She was tired enough to feel like if she'd just close her eyes and relax, she'd quickly drift off into unconsciousness. But she was too terrified.

Pissed, the sleep-deprived girl yanked off her covers, drew back the curtains and sat up. In the bed beside hers, she heard a disgruntled Rose flip over in her sleep, muttering something unintelligible. Arianna stared into the shadows of her friend's four-poster bed, feeling a bit guilty for ditching out on her. When she skipped out on the chess game she'd been invited to by Albus, she was worried he'd pester her with questions the next day, but he seemed to have politely left her alone without completely ignoring her existence. The thought of trying something new that she wasn't certain she wouldn't make a fool out of herself of scared Arianna, but she didn't know how she could explain that to her peers. "I'm afraid of what you'll think of me and for making a fool out of myself" hardly seemed like something that would come out of her mouth.

Arianna sighed in frustration. What would she tell Rose? In truth, she'd pulled an all nighter, snuck into the Hospital Wing before her dorm mates had woken up, and complained of an intense headache that had kept her up all night. She'd used the excuse "I was sick therefore I ditched out on my activities" too many times in her life for her own moral tastes. If she truly wanted a new beginning at Hogwarts, she would need to drop her old acts, her bad habits. She would need to become someone completely different.

Arianna threw herself back onto her pillow, stifling a scream of frustration. When her anxiety had finally dulled, and she'd drifted off into a natural sleep, her dreams were full of distorted images of a toddler, an elementary school boy, raven-haired, screaming, crying, a large man suffocating her –

"GO TO HELL!" –

pale unmoving seeming asleep – and always, always that one phrase: "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Even after she'd woken up a few hours later, her head rang with the ghostly voices of her past yelling for her, screaming at her. The first thing she thought when she bolted upright, sweat dripping down the back of her neck, breath heaving from already forgotten nightmares, were the words: "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry".